Fiance communicates badly (aggressively)...How to approach?

[figleaf]

My fiancé has a hard time communicating. We have some issues in our relationship I feel like we need to talk through once in awhile, mostly dealing with intimacy (he’s afraid he can’t satisfy me sexually, I’m frustrated when he seems to switch off emotionally) and our roles in the relationship (he’s a self-proclaimed ‘macho’ who has hard opinions--unlike me--about the women vs the men in a marriage). He bristles if he thinks I need to have a conversation about these issues even if I don’t challenge him directly and approach it as just wanting to understand his point of view. He sees all my attempts at communication as either criticism of him or a girlish need on my part to talk through everything. When we do succeed in talking, he uses a lot of hurtful sarcasm, aggression, and judgmental statements about me and my character (e.g., “you never/always”, “that is/was really stupid/unintelligent of you”).

 

I know that a lot of his demeanor is a cover for insecurity on his part. And lately I’ve made a little progress in a related area—getting him to admit that he is scared and uncomfortable when I cry. He used to get angry and aggressive whenever I teared up (even if it had nothing to do with us) and used to put me down and leave instead of comforting me. At least now I can say, “I’m gonna cry, okay? Don’t be scared” and he’ll stay and hold me. I’d like to make the same type of progress in a more general way with our discussions, but I don’t know how!!! His aggressive reactions (including threatening to leave the relationship if I cry or make too big a deal out of something “one too many times”) make me scared to bring things up with him and I feel like a little mouse, tiptoeing around him to avoid making him angry (which is just not me!). But I can’t ignore these issues and really need to understand them to feel comfortable in this relationship. Advice?