Drmnlyzr Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 Dear Friends, I am another one of you with LDR. Me and my boyfriend are in different states of US. He is a gem of a person and loves me a lot ( though he never says I love you and thinks its very difficult to say he loves me, he tries to show me by his actions. He cares a lot and keep me like a princess ) Though he never talks about our future together. I brought up the topic of marriage lot of times and he does not seem to participate on that. he says he is the youngest in the family and there are people to take his decisions. I know him since last 2 years. I am the only child of a single parent and he had 2 sibling and parents. I have no idea how to handle it. Lately i am getting obsessed and getting full of insecurities and fear of loosing him. These days i cry a lot whenever we have a fight. I am becoming a Drama queen too, and i guess its because i am insecure. Please help !
Lyssa Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 First of all, welcome to LS! Now, LDR is really hard. It will only when if both parties are willing to make it work and are on the same paths. I am in a LDR and so far, it has been great. He's in another country and so am I. For almost a year now and we have gone through quite a lot together. he says he is the youngest in the family and there are people to take his decisions. I don't quite understand what he meant by that? Did he mean that since he is the youngest, people will have to make decisions for him? If you don't mind my asking you, how old are you both? You both sound pretty young....
Author Drmnlyzr Posted October 7, 2007 Author Posted October 7, 2007 Hey Lyssa, Thanks for the quick response. I am very new to these forums. although we live in US, we are from India and belong to hindu culture where parents and family member play big role in finding a life partnet or approving them. My mom does not have a problem with this relation but I dont think his family thinks that i am the best choice for him as my parents are separate ( and its a big deal for them ) I am 24 and and he is 28. well established and working. but my insecurity is killing me.
Lyssa Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 Ah okay. I'm sorry you're in this situation. No offense but it's a sucky situation. I have an Indian friend who was in the same place as you both are. Your parents must be a little more open-minded than his parents, am I right? You both are young but at the same, you're both adults and should be able to make your own decision but seeing that you belong to Hindu culture than it's a bit hard. Has he tried talking to his parents? Don't worry, Drmnlyzr - you'll find that a lot of people here with good advice and insights. Just hang in there... your help will come....
clever60 Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 Hello Drmnlyzer, I understand that you are going through a difficult period. An LDR is not easy, in fact it is hard work. My SO is not only in a different country, she is even on a different continent, and we have 4,5 hours of time difference. I am from Europe and she is from SouthEast Asia. So there is also a big difference in culture. As I understand your boyfriend comes from a Hindu culture in India, so the opinion of his family is very important. I can give you only 1 advice: Set him free, and don't force anything. He will need space and time to be with you. Don't talk to him about marriage, until he is ready for it. His culture is completely different in this matter than yours. You have to give the time the chance to work for you. And that is very hard, because you want him so badly, you want to get married with him. But in this kind of situation, it takes much more time to settle, than between 2 people who live closely together. I know my girlfriend now for 16 months, and she still did not tell her parents, that I am her boyfriend. And I don't blame her for that. I set her free, to do the things her way. That is the only way, in which we can finally be together. And it also has one advantage: You can never rush into a marriage. That is not possible. And I think too many people rush into a marriage, and don't take enough time, and finally end up in a divorce. The best thing you can do, is give him time, speak about your uncertainty with him, so that he understands, what you feel and why, and tell him that you want to give him all the time that he needs. I'm sure he will be very relieved and loving to you, when you do that. Good luck. Jan
Author Drmnlyzr Posted October 7, 2007 Author Posted October 7, 2007 Thanks for your advice Jan, Here the situation is that we both belong to the Hindu culture and almost the same location in India. I am giving him the hell lot of time he wants but him being nutral makes me think that may be in future he will never stand up for me. He love me and i never tried to force myself on him but there is a limit of waiting. My mom wants me to get married now and I know i just cant be waiting for him all my life. Although I am in sure i will never find a guy like him ever. but the feeling that he is not as crazy for me as i am for him, breaks me apart. As you said, i did talk to him about it, told him that i just cant wait for him for too long and i have to take my decision as i am the only child of single parent. I told him that only i can give is four months to make his decision in life, and to tell his parents about me. I am not rushing into marriage ... as we are not planning to get married for one more year. All i need is an assurance so that i can plan my life. Once you are in love with someone its really hard to loose his and plan everything from the start. He just accepted it without any comments as usual. Now I am not sure what will happend in four months and i am not positive he will talk to his parents about me. If so, I am afraid that i might loose him. Please help.
Timberlane Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 I had an LDR with my wife that was supposed to end up with me moving to her country after sending money and her buying an apartment. She ended up meeting other men while I was gone and then dumped me after I sent thousands of dollars and signed a loan for the apartment. So you can take that example as one outcome of one long distance disaster. Funny thing is we are still friends. Her romantic life is in shambles and mine is quite nice. Best advice is to end LDRs by either moving nearer the other person or ending the relationship before it erodes silently away. Have some sort of end date in mind. I did it for a year and a half.
Zapbasket Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 Best advice is to end LDRs by either moving nearer the other person or ending the relationship before it erodes silently away. Have some sort of end date in mind. I did it for a year and a half. Yes, yes, yes. I agree 100% and very well put. You MUST work together to agree upon an end date and then spend the bulk of your LD time mutually preparing for the union. The reason is because LD has a way of enabling ambivalences--in this case, your partner's ambivalence about committing to you in the face of his family's disapproval. The other posters are right that you don't want to pressure him directly, but in a LDR he can avoid making that decision indefinitely. So, you have to pressure him indirectly by setting this deadline together. If he balks, or makes excuses, don't give up on him, but patiently talk him through his fears. Timberlane is so right that if you don't set a deadline together, the relationship will silently erode and neither of you will be fully aware of it. A relationship requires frequent physical presence and increasing committment, otherwise it's a stalemate. I was in a LDR for 3 years and by the time we were in the same city, there was so much damage to the relationship that we couldn't get it together to stay together. It could be, given your backgrounds, that if his family disapproves ultimately your relationship is doomed. A friend of a friend is Hindi and he was in a relationship with a Chinese woman for 7 years; they were deeply in love. BUT, when his mother said that if he married her, she would kill herself, he took her seriously, broke it off with the woman, and married someone his parents had chosen for him. My friend is sure he feels pain about it all deep down, but he's determined to make the best of it. I hope your guy will have the respect for you to be honest with you.
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