FuzzyC Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 I honestly feel like my life has ended, that there is nothing for me anymore. To get started, me and my wife have been together 5 and 1/2 years, married 9 months. I am 22 years old, she is 20. We have a Beautiful daughter, who is 10 months old. Now that thats out of the way... here it goes. It's been going on for a couple years now, to where I give her love and affection, I am sweet, caring, giving, and I dote upon her regularly. But I've never been consistant on helping out with housework, or ever had ambition to go out and do something with myself, or for that matter with my family. This has been tearing at her for a long time, and every couple of months, she would have a "talk" with me about how if I didn't shape up she was going to leave. I did believe it, and I would shape up for a couple weeks, but I'd start to falter, she'd be nice and sweet to me, so I'd get relaxed and fall back into my old habits. Most of the problem I had I think was that I was overly obsessed with an online computer game called World of Warcraft(WoW), me and my wife would play for at least 18 hours a week, sometimes up to 26 hours. So it got in the way of my responsibilities consistantly. Well about a weekish ago she told me that she's had it, and wants a divorce, now my life is a wreak. I've canceled my game account for WoW, and I've been doing all my chores and then some, I've been doting on her and trying to be sweet, even when she won't return the kindness. And for a few days, even though she would remind me that I am not cleared yet, I was actually feeling like she was warming up to me, at least a bit. She would still blow up and I would get all blubbery, but she was still letting me be near her at least a bit. Well all this attention I had been giving her back fired, she stoped sleeping in the same bed as me (she's on couch), and won't let me touch her at all. And then the bomb dropped. Today, while I was taking a nap, her phone rang and it woke me up. When I got up to go make some calls myself, I overheard her talking to her mother, who btw she is suposed to move in with when she finally leaves. What I heard just hurt me so bad my chest felt like it was being stabbed. She was saying that she feels like she's being smothered and that I am acting crazy/phsyco, trying too hard to be around her, and won't leave her alone. So I confronted her about this in between sobs, and we had another big argument, same story, I say "You are tearing this family apart" and "can't you see what this is doing to me", she says "I've had enough of these problems, I've tried long enough, I can't keep this up, I feel trapped, You won't change", "I am tired of being your mommy". I think my wife is the most beautiful creature on this planet, where other people see a flaw, I want to touch and kiss. I can't fantasize about anyone but her, and she is smart, funny, and has cared for me more then I could ever expect. All I want is my family to stay a family, I don't want to see my daughter some of the week. I want to see her all week, with my wife. My entire existence is for them. Without them... I am nothing... my future is blank.
Lizzie60 Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 WOW... she's been with you since she was 14 yrs old... she's only 20 and is married with a kid... wow... lots of responsibilities and you not helping out much.... To be honest I don't blame her.... she's had it... now you want to change... but you've said it yourself you change for a few weeks and then you go back the way you were... don't you think that she doesn't know what to expect once again. Just give her time... don't try to stop her... if she wants a break, give her a break... take one also to think about ways to make you change for good and not just for a couple of weeks.
Chrome Barracuda Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 I'd say let her go. right now she wants to be independant. Alot of people need to realizein this day and age, you will not stay with one person forever. Sometimes people are adamant with moving on they dont care who they hurt. They only care about themselves. Right now your so young. Take this time to look at this like a blessing and move on. It's only gonna get worse before it gets better. If you want her back, dont be clingy do what's best and GAL but show her the door is still open.
Author FuzzyC Posted October 7, 2007 Author Posted October 7, 2007 Well what I decided I was going to do, is to do as she has always asked me to do, and then a little more. I explained that last night to her, and she seemed to understand, and even possibly be even a smidgen hopeful. All I can do now is love her and show her the man I know I can be, and let her go if she still thinks thats the correct path. And for the record, I don't blame her for being fed up. I messed up, and I was never willing to give up personal bad habits until faced with a great loss. However, only giving the marriage 9 months is not okay, even giving her age and our history. So the only thing I can do to keep myself sane is to do the things that she has always asked of me, and be a good husband/father.
Ladyjane14 Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 Boy.... you are 22 years old, and that girl just very stupidly gave you a ticket out. If I were you, I'd take it and RUN. If her mama is so keen to butt in... let her toddle on home so Mama can finish raising her. Meanwhile, you can see an attorney, file for divorce, set up regular visitation with your child and a child support schedule. Then... you're home free. You can play WoW all you want, go back to college, meet a few new people, date, travel, or whatever the hell else you'd like to do with your life. The sky's the limit. If you've already been with this girl for five and a half years, and you're only 22 now... neither one of you has experienced what it means to have your freedom. So she just did a really STUPID thing, didn't she? She had a man at home who loved her, albeit a young man who still had a bit more growing to do. And now... she's done opened the barn door let the horse out. If it were me, 22 years old and free for the first time in my life... she'd play hell trying to catch me. Fact is, if you let her pussy-whip you into submission now, you'll be kow-towing for the rest of your natural life under threats of separation and divorce. Because if something works... THAT's the method she'll continue to use in the future. If she can get you crawling on your belly by threatening to leave you, she'll do it again each and every time you piss her off. Now, on the other hand, if you stand up to her now and tell her not to let the door hit her in the ass on the way out, yeah... she might go ahead and leave you for good. That's the risk you take. But if she doesn't, you'll then be in better position to negotiate as equals again. There are no guarantees, no methods that can be counted on to provide you with your preferred outcome. So, you might as well suit yourself. Your life has NOT ended. It's barely begun. And here you are, free to meet it on your own terms for the first time EVER. If it were me... there's just no way I'd respond to threats or manipulation. Not now, not ever. Even if that meant the loss of the marriage. p.s. You might want to get out to the library or bookstore and read up on the marital relationship as well as co-parenting and divorce. Information is power. And it's best to be prepared for any eventuality.
Ladyjane14 Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 Well what I decided I was going to do, is to do as she has always asked me to do, and then a little more. I explained that last night to her, and she seemed to understand, and even possibly be even a smidgen hopeful. All I can do now is love her and show her the man I know I can be, and let her go if she still thinks thats the correct path. And for the record, I don't blame her for being fed up. I messed up, and I was never willing to give up personal bad habits until faced with a great loss. However, only giving the marriage 9 months is not okay, even giving her age and our history. So the only thing I can do to keep myself sane is to do the things that she has always asked of me, and be a good husband/father. We were posting at the same time. I do think that it's good for you to pull your weight within the relationship. If you weren't holding up your end, you really need to work on that. Toward that end, you might read a copy of The Five Love Languages by Chapman, and Love Busters by Harley. That said... I would still recommend to you that this be the LAST time she threatens you with divorce without you taking her up on it.
Author FuzzyC Posted October 7, 2007 Author Posted October 7, 2007 Her mother actually didn't butt in. My wife has just always told her whats going on, and basicly asked that if she left, would she have a place to stay. Her mother actually wishes she wasn't doing this. And with all due respect, I understand being 22 and being in this situation makes me/her seem too young for any kind of commitment, but I really do truly love her, and I honestly believe she does (or truly did) love me too. There are a million reasons as to why being our age doesn't matter. I just caused her way too much frustration. And I refuse to play WoW anymore, it took over my life and I wasn't willing to do anything with myself because of it. If we didn't have our daughter, I would still fight to keep my wife, but it wouldn't make the rest of my life seem like an empty hole. I love my wife, I honestly believe she's a good person, but in my opinion, the family takes priority over ALL; Assuming both parties are not bad people (aka alcholics,dead beats, druggies, abusive). I do agree that I need to be careful that she doesn't hold this above my head assuming that things happened the way I want them too. As long as I keep up on my duties, and put forth an effort to better myself and my family, then it shouldn't occur again. She's not that kind of person. ANd last but not least, I've never been in a pussy wiped state. Granted, sometimes I would give in to things she would say or do, only because if one person shut up, then the problem alot of times disappears. And again on the pussy-wiped thing, she has stated that she wished I wasn't trying so hard now, but I'm not going to let that stop me from doing what I think is the right thing to do, which is try and keep my wonderful family.
theNephilim Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 FuzzyC, Welcome to my world. I am 23, My wife is 20, and she wants a divorce. My story is almost a tragedy, and I cannot go into it in this thread. But I will offer my advice. You must pull away. Distance yourself from her, from your love for her. Do not lose your love, but rather, put a cap on it. Keep yourself from 'smothering' her; too much of anything. Keep yourself from falling in the hole. Maintain your devotion to her, even if you cannot prove it to her, You prove it to yourself and that makes you a stronger person. Life will go on. It gets better each day. If you love her, if she loves you, then things will work in that direction. oh, my final piece of advice, maintain complete honesty. And dont f*** around with any women! l8r
Gunny376 Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 I realize there are many here that don't appreciate my view?! And I appreciate that fact! And I apprecitate that many don't like my Marine DI attitude! Fact of the matter is? I spent 9 of 20 years on Parris Island. One shape form or a fashion? As a "Marksman Coach" a PMI (Primary Marksmanship Instructor) or as a DI (Drill Instructor) The fact of the matter is? Get you azz busy living your life! Life's too freaking short to be wasting it on this BS! You're 22 for crying out loud!
ilmw Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 I realize there are many here that don't appreciate my view?! And I appreciate that fact! And I apprecitate that many don't like my Marine DI attitude! Fact of the matter is? I spent 9 of 20 years on Parris Island. One shape form or a fashion? As a "Marksman Coach" a PMI (Primary Marksmanship Instructor) or as a DI (Drill Instructor) The fact of the matter is? Get you azz busy living your life! Life's too freaking short to be wasting it on this BS! You're 22 for crying out loud! Well I appreciate/d your view.. and followed much of your advise.. among many other fine peoples advise on here... different aspects of a similar view. Hey... I'm doing really good...so Listen to GUNNY... he has a clue in what he is talking about! ilmw
Queen_Vader Posted October 10, 2007 Posted October 10, 2007 I honestly feel like my life has ended, that there is nothing for me anymore. No matter how much it hurts now, it will get better. Your life is not over. To get started, me and my wife have been together 5 and 1/2 years, married 9 months. I am 22 years old, she is 20. We have a Beautiful daughter, who is 10 months old. Did her daddy bring the shotgun? It's been going on for a couple years now, to where I give her love and affection, I am sweet, caring, giving, and I dote upon her regularly. But I've never been consistant on helping out with housework, or ever had ambition to go out and do something with myself, or for that matter with my family. This has been tearing at her for a long time, and every couple of months, she would have a "talk" with me about how if I didn't shape up she was going to leave. I did believe it, and I would shape up for a couple weeks, but I'd start to falter, she'd be nice and sweet to me, so I'd get relaxed and fall back into my old habits. If this has been going on a couple years, then she knew what you were like before you got married and thought she could change you. Most of the problem I had I think was that I was overly obsessed with an online computer game called World of Warcraft(WoW), me and my wife would play for at least 18 hours a week, sometimes up to 26 hours. So it got in the way of my responsibilities consistantly. Both of you are World of Warcrack addicts, not just you. Who watched the baby while you played? Well about a weekish ago she told me that she's had it, and wants a divorce, She stuck with it nine whole months? Nominate this girl for sainthood.:rolleyes: I've canceled my game account for WoW Cancel hers too. , and I've been doing all my chores and then some, now that WoW does not dominate your life, maybe you can spend some time together? I've been doting on her and trying to be sweet, even when she won't return the kindness. And for a few days, even though she would remind me that I am not cleared yet, I was actually feeling like she was warming up to me, at least a bit. Nothing like rubbing your nose in your past misdeeds to make you feel like a man. She would still blow up and I would get all blubbery, but she was still letting me be near her at least a bit. Well all this attention I had been giving her back fired, she stoped sleeping in the same bed as me (she's on couch), and won't let me touch her at all. So why is she blowing up if you are treating her like a goddess? Is she crying too or is it just you? Today, while I was taking a nap, her phone rang and it woke me up. When I got up to go make some calls myself, I overheard her talking to her mother, who btw she is suposed to move in with when she finally leaves. What I heard just hurt me so bad my chest felt like it was being stabbed. She was saying that she feels like she's being smothered and that I am acting crazy/phsyco, trying too hard to be around her, and won't leave her alone. So I confronted her about this in between sobs, and we had another big argument, same story, I say "You are tearing this family apart" and "can't you see what this is doing to me", she says "I've had enough of these problems, I've tried long enough, I can't keep this up, I feel trapped, You won't change", "I am tired of being your mommy". Women hardly ever leave without having a backup plan, at least its mom instead of 'tom.' I think my wife is the most beautiful creature on this planet, :love:awwwww...too cute:love: where other people see a flaw, I want to touch and kiss. even cuter:love::love: I can't fantasize about anyone but her, she keeps this up, that will change fast. and she is smart, funny, and has cared for me more then I could ever expect. until she decided after nine months that her baby daddy is a disposable hero. All I want is my family to stay a family, an impressive quality in a 22 year old father I don't want to see my daughter some of the week. I want to see her all week, with my wife. Two separate issues, my friend. My entire existence is for them. Without them... I am nothing... my future is blank. Go to marriagebuilders web site marriagebuilders dot com and click on "basic concepts" then come back and let us know how its going. You are not alone.
Virgo1982 Posted October 12, 2007 Posted October 12, 2007 Her mother actually didn't butt in. My wife has just always told her whats going on, and basicly asked that if she left, would she have a place to stay. Her mother actually wishes she wasn't doing this. And with all due respect, I understand being 22 and being in this situation makes me/her seem too young for any kind of commitment, but I really do truly love her, and I honestly believe she does (or truly did) love me too. There are a million reasons as to why being our age doesn't matter. I just caused her way too much frustration. And I refuse to play WoW anymore, it took over my life and I wasn't willing to do anything with myself because of it. If we didn't have our daughter, I would still fight to keep my wife, but it wouldn't make the rest of my life seem like an empty hole. I love my wife, I honestly believe she's a good person, but in my opinion, the family takes priority over ALL; Assuming both parties are not bad people (aka alcholics,dead beats, druggies, abusive). I do agree that I need to be careful that she doesn't hold this above my head assuming that things happened the way I want them too. As long as I keep up on my duties, and put forth an effort to better myself and my family, then it shouldn't occur again. She's not that kind of person. ANd last but not least, I've never been in a pussy wiped state. Granted, sometimes I would give in to things she would say or do, only because if one person shut up, then the problem alot of times disappears. And again on the pussy-wiped thing, she has stated that she wished I wasn't trying so hard now, but I'm not going to let that stop me from doing what I think is the right thing to do, which is try and keep my wonderful family. The young often walk around not wanting to accept that older and obviously more experienced individuals are wiser. They have been where you are and learned many lessons you might learn decades from now. To think age has nothing to do with your situation is exactly what makes you immature. I'm not trying to beat you up about it, but if you want your marriage to work, you must accept this and work towards maturing. Knowledge is power as another poster said. The time you spent playing WoW should now be spent reading, working and consulting with trusted older persons who have been where you're going. She needs to be stronger and you need to be more selfless. It won't work if only one of you is trying. I'm sure she has her issues as well. What I'm saying is, if she is not willing to work with you to make the marriage work, you need to be prepared to accept that too. Don't let love make you blind, but don't give up for something worth fighting for. Good luck!
Author FuzzyC Posted October 13, 2007 Author Posted October 13, 2007 Wow... just wow... So I just found out that she has been emotionally with someone else since June... a friend of ours. She hasn't commited any actual act with him... but they both like each other. So here I was... giving my heart and soul out to her, and now I know why she wasn't willing to accept it. She seems to not want to be romantically be involved with him right now... but I could see if happening within a month or 2. So now I am lost... completely lost. I don't know what to do... obviously take care of my wonderful daughter. But I mean with myself. Obvious answers are to get over her, pay off debt, find another girl, and be happy, take care of myself yada yada yada. My problem is I feel so empty and feel like dying anytime I am alone, with or without my daughter. And I still somehow want her (my wife) to stay with me or come back to me. Also, I told her after finding out about this thing with the other guy that I want her to stay, but if she is going to torture me, that she needs to leave NOW. So she is leaving sometime next week. Here comes the custody battle. We both want 50% but our parents are making this really difficult.
Gunny376 Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 STAND UP! BE COUNTED! STAND LIKE A MAN! WALK A MAN! TALK LIKE A MAN! BE LIKE A MAN! "MAN-UP!" BE PROUD LIKE A MAN! Be there 24/7 for your children! No matter what the scarifice! If that means you go without a woman? So be it! If that means sucking it up! So be it! If that means being single and alone? So be it! Bring it on! Be like Lt. Dan in Forrest Gump hurling curses against the storm and God! So be it! But you make damn sure and certain! That your there for THEM 100% ~ 24/7/365 a year for your children! BY GOD!
Author FuzzyC Posted October 27, 2007 Author Posted October 27, 2007 OH MY GOD... So I thought I didn't need this place anymore because I had figured everything out... WRONG... Yesterday, I dropped my daughter off at my parents place so they could watch her while me and my Wife worked. I worked at 2PM and she worked at 5PM... she doesn't drive so I knew she'd have to take public transportation witch makes her leave at 4PM. Well... to be honest I didn't like the fact that she was going to be by herself for at least 2 hours... so after 2 hours of work... I went home for my 10 minute break (I live really close to work). Now I had asked her and her emotional crush that they needed to not have him over when I was at work anymore because obviously that is a bad situation. Well when I arrive... theres his car. I walk up to the front door... usually I would hear them talking or laughing or whatever... but nothing... silence... I walk in... nothing... nobody... Then I hear a giggle... from the bedroom.... Oh My God it hurts so bad to type this... I burst in and there my wife is... leaning over this other guy, they are both in just their underwear...... this has been going on for months I find out... there is plenty more to this story but right now I can't type it because I am shaking really badly... more posts to come maybe...
LakesideDream Posted October 27, 2007 Posted October 27, 2007 The song remains the same, over and over, time and again. The players ages are different, as are the situations, the chaos is constant. Both men and women cheat. It's a character flaw. As of late it seems that the stat's favor women over men, for the first time. No suprises there. Walk away wives, are all the rage. You can take a little solice from the knowledge that your wife's new boyfriend won't be sticking around for long. A man in his early 20's very seldom is willing to take another mans offspring into his home, support it, diaper it, feed it, and listen to it cry. He'll stay as long as the sex is good, and he has no responsibilities. Sadly son, your marriage is over. Catching your wife banging another guy will make it easier to accept. Go get that lawyer, and start building the rest of your life. Oh... and get a paternity test as well. You never know!
magenificent Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 I am sorry for what you have been going through. I can only imagine how difficult that must be for you. Though they say time heals all wounds, I doubt that's of any comfort to you now. At the risk of being callous, I have an off topic question for you: You said that a major problem in your relationship was your addiction to WoW. How did you know you were addicted? When did you accept there was a problem? I realize you are going through a lot, but I would really appreciate your insight. My long-time boyfriend also plays the game, and it hurts me repeatedly when he ignores me for hours. He denies up and down that he has any sort of addiction or obsession, and that he's just "hanging out with friends" he met online. What woke you up and brought you to realize that the game caused a problem in your relationship? Thank you for your help & I sincerely hope things turn out for the best, whatever that may be from here on out.
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