Smoothchik Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 Here is the deal: I am 29 and my Bf is 32. For various reasons, we moved back into his parents house with his mother, with the intention of saving money for a few months to get our own apt. That was a year ago, and we are still at his parents. My bf, who cannot drive because of a revoked liscence, works for his best friend. He gets paid 2-300 dollars infrequently- this summer he went for weeks without work, and I never know when to expect money. While there are days that they work very hard, A lot of the time they seem to sit around my bf's friend's house and hang out or do stuff that doesn't count as "on the clock". I waitress full time while going to school 3/4 time (preparing for my Masters). I cover most of our bills, while having very little time or money left over to personally enjoy. Our relationship has become better than it has ever been, except for one thing - our finances and the fact that we live at his parents. I cannot seem to convince him that we would be doing better if perhaps he got another part-time job, or at the very least, looked for a regular, 40hr week job with a regular employer. He has said a couple of times that he would look for something else - so he searched the internet, applied on-line for one job and never heard back, and half completed one application which he never turned in. My bf's best friend comes from a wealthy buisness family, so not working for him is no problem. It seems like my Bf's work/financial situation has gone from bad to worse, and he refuses to mabey try something else - in the hopes that they will land "some big jobs." From my point of view, it seems to me that he has no motivation to want to get out of this situation and look for a career, get our own place to live, etc. When I say this, he gets extremely upset and says "of course he wants something more". I am at my witts end. I love him, but living in his parents house, (sleeping in his bedroom right next to his parent's room!), is driving me mad (i get along fine with the parents btw). Since June, I have tried to be patient, tried to work with him, tried showing him numbers and logic to explain my rationale, but nothing has worked. We had to buy a new car this summer, and I was injured and couldn't work for 3 weeks, so he argues we are not ahead b/c of these problems. I argue we wouldn't feel so strapped if he had held a steady job. Living by the skin of our teeth from paycheck to paycheck is one of the things in life that stresses me out the most!!!! I do not deal well if I am afraid the bills won't get paid!!! I feel hurt that he seemingly refuses to do something as simple as get another job, so that we could get ahead, when I have been through situations far worse with him. I feel like he doesn't care about how I feel or what I want in this situation. Even his parents are wondering when he is going to "do something". Now, we got into this huge fight, and I told him that I loved him very much but that I am afraid of our future together if this is what I am to expect. I basically said that I need to see some changes in the next few months, otherwise I will move back to my home state at the end of the semester. He used to have a very good job when I met him, and his work ethic was great! In fact, he asked me to leave my home and my career told me that he would be able to support us (which he did for 2 yrs). For the 1st year he looked as though he would shortly be promoted, but at the begining of the 2nd year his supervisor was transfered elsewhere and things began to slowly deteriorate. We moved to his home state to try to make a fresh start, and his job situation has never been stable since. It seems as though my Bf has a fear about rejection, because he has never applied "cold" for a job - he has always been referred via an "inside track" by a friend or family member. I don't know what to do. I love him, and we get along great, and I know that he loves me deeply and vice versa. He is a wonderful, kind person, and all of my friends and family love his personality, but they worry about the work thing. We have talked about getting married, and I used to be sure that he was the one, but now I am having doubts. I am just afraid that he will never face his responsibilities unless he is absolutely forced to, and that worries me. When I ask him what he thinks about doing with his life, he says he doen's know - he has no plan. Is this a lost cause? It seems like 2 years should be enough time to get on your feet and figure out something. I don't know what to do, and now I am afraid that, if it comes down to it in December, that I don't follow through on my threat he will never take me seriously. Advice?
Blackberry Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 Follow through on your threat! If he doesn't get his act together as in: 1. full-time job with benefits and 2. moved out of his parents house then you are out the door. Don't waste anymore time on him, kind or not. He is sitting around banking on you getting your Masters and you being the breadwinner while he sits around and smokes weed with his buds...forget that shyyyt. Do you want a man who can provide or a lame-ass loser? Yes, pothead lameass losers can be "nice", too.
ICallsEmAsISeesEm Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 I have NO respect for ANY man who allows a woman to support him. Jesus, he's 32 and you had to move in with his PARENTS? That's the type of crap 22 year olds do, not someone HIS age. What an embarrassment he is. You are SO superior to this guy that it isn't even funny. You're on an upward track - getting your Masters and actually having a future PLAN career-wise, and this loser just wants to sit around and live off your waitressing tips - and his PARENTS. LOSER. Whatever you do, DO NOT - I repeat - DO NOT get pregnant. I'd rip my uterus out with a pair of pliers before getting saddled with this loser's kid. You think things are bad NOW? It would be 21 years of chasing this deadbeat for child support.
Lizzie60 Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 I read the post quickly... I was 'exhausted' for you... I would never ever put up with a man like that... work ethic is one of the most important quality I look for. He has no ambition...and to be honest I very much doubt he will change... if you marry this guy... it will go from 'worse' to 'worst' then to 'worstest'... Give him an ultimatum... and follow through... you'd be better off without him if he doesn't change... trust me on that one. From what I read.. he's plain lazy.
jerbear Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 I am stating a different opinion. I would agree with the other posters on: carrying out your threatNOT getting pregnant Now here is what I would somewhat differ, has any attempts been made by his parents motivate hime with some tough love. e.g. charging rent and making him pay not you. Your bf seems to have sometime I would say is a "bad day" and I assume some confidence issues right now. Getting rejected is tough when he used to get it all. Are there incremental steps taken to help him rebuild his confidence, i.e.part-time job stocking shelfs, sweeper, administrative assistant, laborer, or paper pusher. He might be depressed or just a helicopter kid in gen Y instead of his normal gen X. Is he good at Halo, has he tried to compete? what are his hobbies? The thing about cold applying to jobs, it is reality; even if you know someone you still have to apply before they hire him. When you know someone to get a job, it helps him get his foot in the door, after he is in, what does he know? Following someone else's coattails is great but he still has to hold his own. Ask him for a plan and gentle and with grace nudge him and help him. Don't do it for him. Offer to be one of his references. Ask him to COMPLETE 10 job applications in 3 days and provide the results. for example: his resume catered to the job positiioncopies of the actual applications (print those online or results)Letters or emails of "thank you for applying to XYZ. We will contact you if we deem you a fit.""sorry, but thanks for applying" If you want a househusband then continue on and just make sure he understands his role as househusband by staying home and taking care of the kids, kitchen, and to keep the couch warm when you want to use the XBOX. I'm sorry to say presenting that scenario may either push him away or motivate him. In my opinion, it would push him away. What is your MS in? I hope it is not business.
Timberlane Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 I knew someone in this situation recently. The boy and girl lived at the girl's mother's house. She tolerated it so that she could stay close to the daughter, which I didn't understand at all. The girl worked two jobs and did the boy's laundry, what have you. Boy was a lump on the couch, resisted checking out jobs, thought he was pulling his own weight by taking the trash out. He finally got a job after two years. Tough love time is long overdue.
Darkzen Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 He's depressed IMHO. I went through a similar situation, only doing the bare minimum to get by for a few years. It's because I was depressed and didn't care. The fact of the matter is that he beats himself up for the situation already. He needs support to get through it... not financial, but emotional. Stick it out until you finish school and get a career started, then give him a year to get his situation on track (I.E. start school for something he's passionate about, find a job he enjoys, etc...). Be sure to be firm with him, but supportive of his choices. He has to get over the depression before he can go back to how he used to be... talk to him and find out what the problem is. I don't know the reason he's depressed, I was depressed due to how I got shafted time and time again after I got out of the Army (not too mention the way my ex treated me). Very recently, my ex left me and I snapped out of my depression (although, I was already starting to come out of it before she left). She was the primary reason I was depressed, it made everything else seem a lot worse than it actually was. Hopefully you're not the reason he's depressed. Depression brings a feeling of apathy, that makes you not care about pretty much anything. I'm sure he wastes excessive time (I did playing video games). He's probably a lot less out-going than he was originally. He's probably more angry and/or frustrated at little things, which wouldn't have bothered him before. He probably doesn't like going out as much. Etc... The good thing I noticed is that it seems like, he hasn't changed the way he treats you... probably means you're not the reason he's depressed. I was indifferent/guarded a lot with my ex. You have to find out what made him depressed and help him work at trying to rectify it. If you leave him while he's depressed he'll probably first think about killing himself, if he doesn't, then he'll try and hurt you in someway or fall even deeper into depression (depending on his personality). Some counseling might be a good idea, he may not want to open up to you about things (because you may very well be the cause in his eyes). Love isn't powerful enough to overcome bad communication in a relationship. Things will only get worse over time if the problem isn't ever addressed. This is merely my take on things, I could be wrong, but it does sound an awful lot like how I acted for the past few years. Good luck either way.
confucious Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 I think depression, anxiety, or a combination of the two may be good to take into account. If he was previously hard working and enjoyed money, freedom, and a social work setting - what changed?? Why this regression?? Often when things like this occur, it is something wrong, not just pure laziness. Can you tell us why he cannot drive? Did he have an accident while drunk? Is he injured?
Timberlane Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 If he is really depressed, then he should see a psychiatrist and get on antidepressants. He needs no longer waiting period. You sound fed up, so he needs an ultimatum. Or you should consider leaving him. For someone to wallow this long is not something you should enable.
Darkzen Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 If he is really depressed, then he should see a psychiatrist and get on antidepressants. He needs no longer waiting period. You sound fed up, so he needs an ultimatum. Or you should consider leaving him. For someone to wallow this long is not something you should enable. Yes, because drugs fix the root of the problem. Making an ultimatum is not what you do to people that you care about, unless you've exhausted all other options. It's not about enabling someone, it's about someone going through a hard time. Should we let children starve? Isn't feeding them enabling them to not provide for themselves? Obviously, feeding them isn't helping them get better. Although, you can feed them while you teach them how to provide for themselves. Like I said, be firm but supportive. Do not allow him to take advantage of the situation, but don't walk away without trying to help. Nor is he in a waiting period. He probably doesn't even realize that he's depressed and/or why he's depressed. If she cares for him, she'll try to help him work out his demons. That doesn't mean to do nothing, except support him financially. Two years ago, I moved up to stay with my brother while I figure out what I wanted to do with my life. I spent a good portion of the first year trying to decide, as well as getting myself back to where I need to be physically (I gained like 80lbs when I was depressed). To feel good about myself. I found a school for 3D animation in the area and started classes early this year. I'll be done by the summer. It's a field I enjoy and am excited about. I can see myself doing it until I retire (I turned down a job with the NYPD a few years ago, just couldn't see myself happy doing it). I was soldier of the month in my battalion twice, I earned two Army Commendations and didn't make SGT only because I chose not to re-enlist (served 3 years in the Army). I am a fast-track type of person with an extremely good work ethic. When I was depressed, I just didn't care, about pretty much anything. That didn't mean I was a bum or lazy, I just had some emotional problems. Whose to say this guy isn't a good person, going through a bad time? Maybe he needs a little support from people, rather than "tough love". Every problem has a cause/root, until that is addressed, the problem doesn't go away. Regardless of what you force people to do. If someone is hanging from the edge of a cliff, you can choose to stomp on their fingers, walk away or offer a helping hand. I'm glad that you're the "stomp on the fingers" type. I'm sure that it's a justified response, it's obvious that he's a bad person for not being perfect. Does being uncaring make you really feel better? It's not like this guy ever wronged you or the OP (based on what was said). You know me from other posts, if he wronged you, go ahead and "stomp" away... but I don't see any justification for that approach here. It actually seems like the OP actually cares for him.
Timberlane Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 Don't take it all personally, Darkzen, you are not the subject of the situation. And giving ultimatums is not "stomping on fingers." It simply shows there are expectations and one can't continue doing bad things. This girl has waited for over a year on this one. It's time for him to do something and also get therapy.
Darkzen Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 Don't take it all personally, Darkzen, you are not the subject of the situation. And giving ultimatums is not "stomping on fingers." It simply shows there are expectations and one can't continue doing bad things. This girl has waited for over a year on this one. It's time for him to do something and also get therapy. I'm not taking it personally. I'm using myself as an example, to help you understand that it's not a cut and dry situation. Nor is he doing anything bad from what the OP said. You also summed up my point perfectly... "she waited" and "it's time for him". Sorry but a relationship is a joint effort. If you're not prepared to try and help one another, why bother getting into a relationship? Besides, she said that he supported her for two years... should he have left after the first year or given an ultimatum? Caring for others should be more than just when it's convenient or beneficial. Optimally the OP should have not let the problem get this bad. Their relationship needs better communication on all sides. If they really care about one another, they'll make the effort to fix things... not run away when things get hard.
Timberlane Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 Caring for others should be more than just when it's convenient or beneficial. Optimally the OP should have not let the problem get this bad. Their relationship needs better communication on all sides. If they really care about one another, they'll make the effort to fix things... not run away when things get hard. Well, we agree on that at least. But if this guy refuses to go to a therapist, then I would not be very optimistic about a future.
Darkzen Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 Well, we agree on that at least. But if this guy refuses to go to a therapist, then I would not be very optimistic about a future. I'd agree, but I don't remember seeing that he refused to go to one... hence why I posted a suggestion that they talk and probably seek counseling. The problem won't fix itself, but sometimes people need others to point out that there's a problem.
melodymatters Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 This is a good topic and probably one, that most of have been on, one side or another at times. I hope the OP will come back and tell us more info !
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