Star Gazer Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 Actually, I would have done the same thing, because my perspective was that I hardly left my sister's side. Maybe I was gone for 5 minutes. She perceived it as an hour. The greater point is we have her story. His is likely different. And there is a third side of the story, a third perspective, that is likely the truth and we don't know it. Again, it's still different. You were talking to FRIENDS you hadn't seen in a year, whereas Spookie's guy spent his evening talking to a single GIRL who came up to him the very moment they got there. The fact of the matter is, when you're dating a girl you're sincerely interested in, you don't leave her alone with strangers, even for five minutes, to chat up some other random girl at a bar. You just don't. If you do that, trust me that it will be more difficult to earn her trust. Think if the roles were reversed...seriously. If a girl you're dating walks away from you the moment you get to a bar to chat with another dude, you'd be pissed too.
oppath Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 One more thing. If this guy is really a player, don't think you can change him. He won't be thinking about you at all. It will be all about him, his ego and his needs. Agreed. And he won't be able to handle it if you get upset at him for treating you poorly. In fact, he might say "I did this because I didn't want to hurt you" blah blah blah regarding concealing things or a lack of transparency in the relationship. That statement sometimes means "I don't want to upset you and risk making you mad at me where you could say something hurtful to me; that is why I did it and that is what not hurting your feelings means: I don't want to risk upsetting you where you could hurt me." Some of my female friends have nicknamed me "man whore (in all the right ways)" -- their paranthesis, not mine. There are times when I will make out with 4 girls in a month. Does that mean I played them? It's kind of a double standard since some of those girls have made out with 4 guys in the same night before. Being played is SOMETIMES a matter of perspective. Just because this guy has dated a lot or kissed a lot of girls doesn't make him a player. His rep doesn't mean he will play her. She needs to be cautious, but why are we so quick to write him off? To me it sounds like he has done 80% of the initiating and planning. I consider that RELIABLE and INTERESTED. He may play her. He may NOT play her.
EricOnTheWeb Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 .seriously. If a girl you're dating walks away from you the moment you get to a bar to chat with another dude, you'd be pissed too. Yeah I hope that doesn't happen on my first date.. that would suck and make me feel like.. "guess I'm just here to be the DD":rolleyes:
oppath Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 If a girl you're dating walks away from you the moment you get to a bar to chat with another dude, you'd be pissed too. Ok, I concede.
Star Gazer Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 Ok, I concede. I'm glad you've seen the light. But honestly, contrary to Tanbark's suggestion, most dating issues don't come down to something as perceptively simple as "how a man thinks." Here on LS, men tend to be defensive of other men's behavior, and women of women's. However, regardless of your gender, you should always consider how you would feel if in the poster's shoes.
Poboy Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 spookie , are you sure your guy is a player. till now its all hear say by the other guy and do you believe him. and what makes you believe this friend doesnt have motives to break off your relationship so that he can enter the picture. you went to his place for a swim after getting wasted. maybe he wanted get some from you and was filling up your mind with all negative things about your guy. when your guy told you not to hook up and he is not goin to also , im sure he was concerned that you might with this friend and he wouldnt like that which shows he wants exclusivity. what he did at the bar was wrong and shouldnt have left you like that and you sleeping in the friends bed was wrong too. maybe you need to rethink if this is the right kind of relationship you are in and if you are with the right person.
Trialbyfire Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 History tends to repeat itself. If someone leaves a swath of damage behind them, don't think you will be the special one. Watch for patterns of behaviour.
Author spookie Posted October 7, 2007 Author Posted October 7, 2007 Wow, I had no idea this thread would get so out of control. Here are my feelings: I don't think A is playing me. He has been like clockwork when it comes to calling me on time, scheduling "dates" ahead of time, coming over, etc. There is NOTHING to complain about. Regarding leaving me at the bar, it isn't as bad as it sounds. I make it VERY obvious when we hang out with his friends that I'm there to hang out with EVERYONE (even if they're his friends, not mine), not to be attached to his hip, and I was having a good time with his friends by the time he walked off. He did rejoin us some time later. Even if he IS a player, at this point I'm not so invested that I would care very much. I want to know the truth, but the truth isn't going to hurt me, whatever it is. I'm so scarred from my previous relationships that I don't know that I can even FEEL any more pain. If he played me, in a way I'd be relieved because then we can just be friends, and I wouldn't be faced with the prospect of having to have feelings. Regarding his friend. This one's tough to explain. Since my LTR ended, I've become used to a certain lifestyle. I've become somewhat of a sociopathic party-girl, if that makes any sense. I enjoy meeting new people and pushing social boundaries. I'm NOT a slut, I don't even make out with that many people, but sleeping over at someone's house that I met that night, for example, in his bed, is exactly what I would do on a typical Thursday. It's just fun. I like late-night convos poolside with strangers. I have never cheated on anyone in my life, nor have I ever had the desire to - once I commit in my head, I commit 100%, physically and emotionally - but having these kinds of experiences is important to me and I'm not anywhere near ready to have to account for my actions to any guy. Actually, I kind of think A shares this philosophy with me. I think as long as I'm honest with him, he wouldn't mind.
Author spookie Posted October 7, 2007 Author Posted October 7, 2007 Regarding his friend. This one's tough to explain. Since my LTR ended, I've become used to a certain lifestyle. I've become somewhat of a sociopathic party-girl, if that makes any sense. I enjoy meeting new people and pushing social boundaries. I'm NOT a slut, I don't even make out with that many people, but sleeping over at someone's house that I met that night, for example, in his bed, is exactly what I would do on a typical Thursday. It's just fun. I like late-night convos poolside with strangers. I have never cheated on anyone in my life, nor have I ever had the desire to - once I commit in my head, I commit 100%, physically and emotionally - but having these kinds of experiences is important to me and I'm not anywhere near ready to have to account for my actions to any guy. Actually, I kind of think A shares this philosophy with me. I think as long as I'm honest with him, he wouldn't mind. The more I think about this, though, the shadier I sound to MYSELF. The truth is, though I'm being honest about mythought processes, and though I'm trying to be as true to my feelings as possible, I woudln't want me as my gf right now. This is who I am - and I don't think I'm a BAD person, but I'm such a freaking mess on so many different levels right now. Case in point: it's almost 7 in the morning where I am right, and I'm totally wasted and crying because I miss my ex. In my head, I know we are wrong for each other. In my head, I almost hate him and I never want to see him again. But I still miss him so much. And sometimes I give in to that and I let myself miss him; I forget how much he hurt me, and how awful all that happened really was, and I just give in to how strongly I feel that I MISS HIM, and that's when I break down. Nobody deserves this from a gf. But I can't just suppress it so some guy will like me. I feel like this black part of my life has to be lived through. It's unfortunate that some great guys will pass by in the meantime. I think I'm going to tell A that I want to be FWB. Cause I'm not ready to be someone's gf. It just wouldn't be fair. I'm not ready for a relationship.
lino Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 I'm at a similar stage to you, not feeling like someone who'd be a good boyfriend right now(obviuosly with gender reversed ) I think you'd be doing the right thing telling the guy you want a FWB, if that's what you really want though. I almost got into one just recently but decided not to because it isn't really what I want.
Lyssa Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 I think I'm going to tell A that I want to be FWB. Cause I'm not ready to be someone's gf. It just wouldn't be fair. I'm not ready for a relationship. To be able to want to be FWB, you have to really sure about that. Most of the time, one of you will get hurt - badly. I'm not a fan of FWB and I'm not judging you, just telling you that it might not be such a great idea even with the way you're feeling, the way you're messed up... I have been there... I missed my ex badly after he broke up with me. It wasn't healthy at all but I got over it. I got myself busy with activities. Maybe you can do something like that. Just a suggestion.
Timberlane Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 Swimming drunk in a guy's t-shirt and boxer shorts and then sleeping in his bed where "nothing happened" sure doesn't indicate any commitment to the other guy you took to the airport. If you like swimming so much get a membership at the Y. It sounds like FWBs are all you are capable of.
tanbark813 Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 Okay, What would you think if a girl you were dating/interested in slept in the same bed with your buddy when you were out of town? That part is definitely shady. I'm not arguing that. I was only speaking to where I thought the guy was coming from. She did, and one of the most credible guys on LS agreed: And one of the most credible guys on LS disagreed.
tanbark813 Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 But honestly, contrary to Tanbark's suggestion, most dating issues don't come down to something as perceptively simple as "how a man thinks." Chill, dude. You've read enough of my posts to know that I don't distill dating issues to that one concept. In this thread she was asking where people thought the guy was coming from. Men and women do think differently so if you want to know where a guy is coming from, ask a guy. And I wasn't defending him. I said in my first post that he may or may not be a player. It's hard to tell from what she's written. Just because someone disagrees with you doesn't mean they're wrong.
underpants Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 Hey now, Don't player hate... congratulate... Spookie, I am just concerned for you. Him and his friend are going to talk about this. I would be concerned that his respect level for you may go down. Also, you posted that now you are considering a fwb situation and are going to offer him this option. In your first post you told him that you 'did not want to be one of his hos'. You are contradicting yourself. Then when intoxicated and alone your thoughts turn to an ex. You might not be ready for anything more then a platonic friendship for a bit. Don't seek out more proof that you are not worth a good relationship by continuing to seek bad partners, or by sabatoging a budding possibility. Are you picking him up from the airport? If so I would use that contact to be completely honest about the events that occured in his absence.
uniqueone Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 In this thread she was asking where people thought the guy was coming from. Men and women do think differently so if you want to know where a guy is coming from, ask a guy. I would think that would just indicate one guys opinion, not speak for all guys.
tanbark813 Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 I would think that would just indicate one guys opinion, not speak for all guys. Obviously.
uniqueone Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 I think I'm going to tell A that I want to be FWB. Cause I'm not ready to be someone's gf. It just wouldn't be fair. I'm not ready for a relationship. Could someone please tell me why we need this FWB's category at all? I mean, if you want sex without feelings, use a friggin appliance. I think anyone who wants a FWB is fooling themselves because if they truly wanted detached sex (which is all it is.....don't be fooled by that "friends" part), they'd masturbate instead. Who even created this category anyway? It didn't even exist when I was growing up. If you're in no shape for a relationship....then don't have one....including a FWB one. Is that so difficult? Why do people find it so difficult to be without someone for any length of time? What drives you to have a FWB? Is this so that he doesn't find someone else while you decide what to do?
oppath Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 Why do people find it so difficult to be without someone for any length of time? What drives you to have a FWB? Is this so that he doesn't find someone else while you decide what to do? Ok, we can debate the merits of FWB, and can they work out, someplace else, but these two statements are relevant to the OP. Can you be without someone? And would it be to hold him in your life until you or he figured things out? If you feel you can handle friends with benefits, then go for it, but I suspect that since this is the 2nd or 3rd thread started about this guy, that will be difficult for you.
tanbark813 Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 I mean, if you want sex without feelings, use a friggin appliance. I f**ked my fridge once and bruised the hell out of my genitals on the ice tray.
uniqueone Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 If you feel you can handle friends with benefits, then go for it, but I suspect that since this is the 2nd or 3rd thread started about this guy, that will be difficult for you. And that contradicts this: Even if he IS a player, at this point I'm not so invested that I would care very much. I want to know the truth, but the truth isn't going to hurt me, whatever it is. If you're not very invested in the guy, why all the threads then? You wouldn't care that much to write all these threads.
uniqueone Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 I f**ked my fridge once and bruised the hell out of my genitals on the ice tray. I hate when that happens.......
Star Gazer Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 Obviously. Then why say, "If you want to know what men think [implying ALL men] ask a guy [meaning ask ONE guy]"? Men and women are equally capable to providing insight into where a person - male or female - might be coming from, particularly relevant in this instance given that men aren't the only players in the world...
Author spookie Posted October 7, 2007 Author Posted October 7, 2007 Hey guys. I'm surprised that so many people think it's totally unacceptable that I slept over at B's house that night. Maybe I am just used to have platonic friendships including sleepovers with guys (my best friend, for example, is a guy and I sleep in his (twin) bed with him at least once a week) but knowing that that's what this was for me, it didn't feel wrong at the time. It did feel slightly wrong in retrospect, because this isn't how I used to act in relationships, but I'm not in one now, and if I get into one in the future I want real trust between me and my SO. Which, to me, isn't about control (what you can and cannot do with other people - slumber parties off) but about respect - meaning each party can do whatever they want as long as the other person would be comfortable with it if he/she were watching. The way I was acting that night - the conversation, the physical distance, what I was wearing while I was swimming )giant black t-shirt and his cargo shorts - there was nothing there that would have made A uncomfortable had he been watching. Lucky for me, he can read me like an open book, so I know when I tell him this story tonight, he'll know I wasn't lying. FWB vs. not... I'm not afraid to be alone at all, but I like this guy and I want to keep hanging out / messing around with him. However, the built-in expectations that come with a relationship are not something I want to deal with right now. If he's looking for the default version of "relationship", I cannot give that to him. Instead of bringing up FWB, though, I'm just going to talk to him and see what he says.
Star Gazer Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 If you weren't dating someone, and if that someone hadn't told you B had feelings for you, there wouldn't be anything wrong with your behavior. However, you are dating someone, that someone told you that B liked you, and that someone and B are friends. It's shady, no matter how you're used to behaving.
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