Am I playng a player? The story of my weekend

[spookie]

There's a guy I've been hanging out with for the last month or so. He's been good about calling me when he says he will, coming over to see me regularly, and incorporating me into his circle of friends, but I know for a fact that his track record with women is shady in that he has refused to commit to relationships in the past, instead opting for open relationships with several girls (who all wanted more) at once.

 

Anyway, I went downtown with him and his friends this Thursday, as usual. The minute we walked into a bar, some girl he knew came over and started talking to him, so I was left on my own amongst his friends, whom I don't know that well. I chatted them up and actually ended up having a great time without him. After the bars, all of us went swimming at his apartment, where, I heard afterward, his friend that I was talking to earlier told him that he liked me.

 

The next day (Friday) I drove guy I'm dating to the airport. He was flying to Dallas for a football game + party weekend. On the way over, he started questioning me whether I was going to hook up with other people over the weekend, and why or why not, basically pressuring me into admitting that I had feelings for him. When I admitted it, he said that he didn't want me hooking up with anyone else, and he wouldn't either. When I dropped him off, he said he'd call me when he got back on Sunday and hopefully we could hang out.

 

Later that night I went to my friend's birthday party. She knows the guy I'm dating's friend as well, so he showed up too. I was intoxicated so I'm not sure if anyone was flirting with anyone else at the party, but at the end of the night the friend asked if I wanted to go swimming at his place. I love swimming and I was having a good time just talking to the friend- so I went. He gave me some boxers and a t-shirt to change into, and we hung out in his pool, just talking. By that point I had made it clear that I wasn't interested romantically, he didn't make any moves on me; I didn't feel any sexual tension whatsoever.

 

We got to talking about the guy I'm dating, though. (I will refer to him as A from now on) I asked the friend (B) if he thought A would be angry that we were hanging out without him that late. B said no, that A views these things very casually. That he likes spending time with me, but is a very situational person, in that it's great if I'm around, but equally great if I'm not. B went on to say that A is a player, that his best female friend went off on him just the other day regarding his casual (mis)treatment of women. (I know this girl, so if this is true she was upset by how A was treating ME). That A will go to any lengths to get the girl, and it's all just a big ego drive for him. He also said that last real gf he had he treated as trophy. Their relationship consisted of him dragging her around to parties and showing her off to everyone.

 

After swimming, B said he was too tired to drive me home, so I ended up sleeping over. Of course nothing happened, but we did sleep in the same (big) bed. No touching whatsoever though, and we were fully clothed.

 

So what I want to know is, am I being played? Or am I the player? I don't feel like I crossed any lines with A's friend, but did I?And, everything B said about A sounds about right given A's charm, alpha-male characteristics, outgoing personality, and history with women, but I didn't feel like it was applicable to me in particular... but is that naive? Is a player going to keep playing? Or am I actually special for some reason? What are the red flags to watch out for?

[fray718]

A guy friend told me a real player won't seem like a player to the girl he is dating -- that is what makes them the best and thus most dangerous players. Are you somehow special to him? You won't know for sure until he actually COMMITS to you (because like u said that is one thing he couldnt do for the other girls played by him) and tells everyone that u are his EXCLUSIVE gf. Until then, he might just be a real good player. From reading what you wrote, he hasnt really done anything thus far that I see how he is not a player....he told u that he wont hook up with anyone either but he can easily be lying. And no I dont think u r a player because it looks like u have feelings for him, so u can't really 'play' him.

[tanbark813]

Well it's most likely one of two things:

 

1. He knows he doesn't want a relationship and just wants to play the field.

2. He dates a lot of woman with the intent of committing to one if/when he finds her. And, if so, you may or may not be her.

 

It is, however, a good sign that he brought up asking if you were going to hook up with anyone else while he is gone. If he was really a player he most likely wouldn't care and wouldn't bring it up. It's also good that he hasn't mentioned specifically that he's not interested in a relationship. If he ever does bring that up, though, listen to him. A lot of girls get hurt by thinking they can change the guy's mind.

 

There's not a whole lot of information yet, though, so for now just take things as they come. As for you playing him: definitely not. You're way too into him to be playing him.

[spookie]

Well it's most likely one of two things:

 

1. He knows he doesn't want a relationship and just wants to play the field.

2. He dates a lot of woman with the intent of committing to one if/when he finds her. And, if so, you may or may not be her.

 

It is, however, a good sign that he brought up asking if you were going to hook up with anyone else while he is gone. If he was really a player he most likely wouldn't care and wouldn't bring it up. It's also good that he hasn't mentioned specifically that he's not interested in a relationship. If he ever does bring that up, though, listen to him. A lot of girls get hurt by thinking they can change the guy's mind.

 

There's not a whole lot of information yet, though, so for now just take things as they come. As for you playing him: definitely not. You're way too into him to be playing him.

 

Several weeks ago, when he first told me about his history with girls, I told him I just wanted to be friends and that I had no intention of being one of his hos. He told that that wasn't how he viewed me and he wasn't going to treat me that way. He's also told me on several occasions that he's romantically interested in me. We haven't had sex yet and I feel no pressure from him on that front, so overall I really don't feel like he's playing me... but that conversation with his friend, particularly when he said their other friend actually chastised him about how he was treating me, is really bothering me. I'm wondering if there are things about the way he treats me other people see and I don't.

 

You guys don't think it was shady of me to go swimming with his friend? Nothing at all happened, and I was trying very hard NOT to send mixed messages/ be flirty... if he was there and watching us interact there would have been no reason for him to be uncomfortable.. but for some reason it still bothers me that I did that, mostly because he did tell me the night before that his friend liked me.

[Star Gazer]

Spookie, given the information you've obtained through observation and your conversations with friends, I think it's best you completely disregard this advice:

 

It is, however, a good sign that he brought up asking if you were going to hook up with anyone else while he is gone. If he was really a player he most likely wouldn't care and wouldn't bring it up. It's also good that he hasn't mentioned specifically that he's not interested in a relationship.

 

Focus on this instead - this is what my gut is telling me, and my gut never fails:

 

That A will go to any lengths to get the girl, and it's all just a big ego drive for him.

 

So to answer your question, no, YOU are not playing a player. HE is almost about to play you if you're not careful here. That said, you are BOTH playing lame, immature games.

 

And yes, I do think it's a little shady that you went swimming with B given that A had just told you that B had feelings for you. I think you're fully aware of the fact that you did that (1) to hopefully make A jealous, (2) pimp B for information, and (3) to feed your own ego. You were successful regarding two of those three objectives.

[underpants]

*snaps* ...SG, she did tell it like it is. IMO

 

I would distance myself from both of these guys. They are friends...don't come between friends. Not good, not smart.

 

You can't play a playar. My gut says he might be in it for the conquest and you two have not dated that long. If he is genuine he will wait.

 

You seem young and are meeting alot of guys. Pick a nice one.

[oppath]

Sleeping in that guy's bed is just a bad idea. It is still inappropriate even if nothing happened and you aren't exclusive, because if you want a relationship to develop, you need your actions to be transparent and trustworthy. While it isn't a breach of trust, it certainly isn't something that will EARN trust.

 

Sometimes leopards do change their spots. Be careful. I agree with SG's post 100%.

[tanbark813]

No disrespect to the women posting but when you want to know how a man thinks: ask a man.

[underpants]

No disrespect to the women posting but when you want to know how a man thinks: ask a man.

 

Okay,

 

What would you think if a girl you were dating/interested in slept in the same bed with your buddy when you were out of town?

[oppath]

I would think it was a dealbreaker. But then again, I'm a doormat. My ex gf's ex would sleep at her house, and I was naive thinking that because she lived with her parents, everything was cool. Weak sauce on my part. That's because pirates would sail around for 1.5 years searching for booty.

 

But in reference to him asking her not to hook up (though who would use that term?), as a guy, it would mean "I want to be exclusive with you."

[Star Gazer]

No disrespect to the women posting but when you want to know how a man thinks: ask a man.

 

She did, and one of the most credible guys on LS agreed:

 

Sleeping in that guy's bed is just a bad idea. It is still inappropriate even if nothing happened and you aren't exclusive, because if you want a relationship to develop, you need your actions to be transparent and trustworthy. While it isn't a breach of trust, it certainly isn't something that will EARN trust.

 

Sometimes leopards do change their spots. Be careful. I agree with SG's post 100%.

 

 

Okay,

 

What would you think if a girl you were dating/interested in slept in the same bed with your buddy when you were out of town?

 

...and AFTER you had already told her that he liked her?!

 

S.H.A.D.Y.

[Star Gazer]

But in reference to him asking her not to hook up (though who would use that term?), as a guy, it would mean "I want to be exclusive with you."

 

Finish the sentence though: "I want to be exclusive with you this weekend because I'm not gonna be getting any this weekend while I'm watching sports, and don't want my territory invaded while I'm outta town."

[oppath]

That's presumptious. From her description, it sounds like he has been RELIABLE and INTERESTED so far. That doesn't mean she shouldn't exercise caution.

[Lyssa]

After swimming, B said he was too tired to drive me home, so I ended up sleeping over. Of course nothing happened, but we did sleep in the same (big) bed. No touching whatsoever though, and we were fully clothed.

 

You could have called a cab. I know you probably see it as nothing cause you are not seeing anyone but imagine what B could have told people?

[oppath]

But she is DATING guy A, and guy A said "guy B likes you." She hung out with him and slept in his bed. BAD IDEA if you like guy A. Again, even if you aren't exclusive, it is SHADY, and does nothing to EARN trust.

 

I have to agree with SG that she was fishing for information from him and enjoying the ego boost. And there is always the couch. Or the floor. You can always say "I don't feel comfortable sleeping in your bed with you."

[Star Gazer]

That's presumptious. From her description, it sounds like he has been RELIABLE and INTERESTED so far. That doesn't mean she shouldn't exercise caution.

 

Reliable? Really? The guy took her to a bar, and as soon as they got there ditched her and left her with virtual strangers in order to spend the evening talking to another girl...

[Lyssa]

But she is DATING guy A, and guy A said "guy B likes you." She hung out with him and slept in his bed. BAD IDEA if you like guy A. Again, even if you aren't exclusive, it is SHADY, and does nothing to EARN trust.

 

I have to agree with SG that she was fishing for information from him and enjoying the ego boost. And there is always the couch. Or the floor. You can always say "I don't feel comfortable sleeping in your bed with you."

 

Woopsie- daisy! Sorry - didn't get that part.

 

BAD idea, yup. The last thing you want to do is to lose that trust he had in you.

 

There's always another room unless it's one-bedroom apartment but like you said, there is the floor or the couch!

 

Bold+Italic = I would have said that, honestly.

[Trialbyfire]

Why would you hang out with his friend? It makes no sense. You were pushing the envelope and even if Guy A were serious, which I sincerely doubt, he isn't going to be very serious when he finds out you slept over at his friend's place.

 

We haven't had sex yet

This will keep a player around and keeping up a pretence of affection.

[oppath]

Reliable? Really? The guy took her to a bar, and as soon as they got there ditched her and left her with virtual strangers in order to spend the evening talking to another girl...

 

My sister visited me once over christmas. I also had friends flying into town that I hadn't seen in a year. We all met at the bar in the afternoon. I DID talk to my sister. I introduced her to my friends. Periodically, I would leave my sister and only talk to my friends. She got PISSED at me. Her perspective was that I was ditching her. I know, if she felt that way, it is how she felt and that is important; however, it doesn't mean her perspective wasn't skewed.

 

I'm not convinced he is playing her at all. I think the bigger issue is she is interested, then not, then she is, then she's not, etc. That is why I hope she exercises caution. The verdict is not out on this guy...yet.

[uniqueone]

 

It is, however, a good sign that he brought up asking if you were going to hook up with anyone else while he is gone. If he was really a player he most likely wouldn't care and wouldn't bring it up.

 

 

I disagree. Some players would care and some wouldn't. Some (male) players don't want the woman being around any other guy even though they'll be a flirt to all the women.

[uniqueone]

 

So what I want to know is, am I being played? Or am I the player? I don't feel like I crossed any lines with A's friend, but did I?

 

Why ask? HE doesn't know what you did.....only YOU do. Therefore, you must be feeling some guilt about it or you wouldn't be asking if you're the player or not. What is your instinct telling you? Does something not feel right to you about what you did?

 

And, everything B said about A sounds about right given A's charm, alpha-male characteristics, outgoing personality, and history with women, but I didn't feel like it was applicable to me in particular... but is that naive? Is a player going to keep playing? Or am I actually special for some reason? What are the red flags to watch out for?

 

You just named one of the red flags......thinking you're special to a player. That's what keeps players alive.....each woman feeling that they're special....they're the one who's going to convert him from a player to a committed man. As if he only needed to meet the right person for this metamorphasis to happen.......

Don't bet on it.

 

Let's just say a player DOES meet the woman who's going to get him to change his ways and commit. (which is unlikely). Would you really feel secure in that relationship?

[Star Gazer]

My sister visited me once over christmas. I also had friends flying into town that I hadn't seen in a year. We all met at the bar in the afternoon. I DID talk to my sister. I introduced her to my friends. Periodically, I would leave my sister and only talk to my friends. She got PISSED at me. Her perspective was that I was ditching her. I know, if she felt that way, it is how she felt and that is important; however, it doesn't mean her perspective wasn't skewed.

 

Comparing your SISTER to someone you'd be DATING and trying to demonstrate that you have interest in is like comparing apples and oranges. I highly doubt you would have done the same thing to a girl you recently began dating and were sincerely interested in.

[Star Gazer]

You just named one of the red flags......thinking you're special to a player. That's what keeps players alive.....each woman feeling that they're special....they're the one who's going to convert him from a player to a committed man. As if he only needed to meet the right person for this metamorphasis to happen.......

Don't bet on it.

 

This is so right on, it's not even funny.

 

Every girl wants to believe that she's that ONE special girl who can change him. If you even think that for a second, "Maybe for me he'll come around," you're involved with a player. And the odds are always highly stacked against you that you are in fact that one illusory special girl.

[oppath]

Comparing your SISTER to someone you'd be DATING and trying to demonstrate that you have interest in is like comparing apples and oranges. I highly doubt you would have done the same thing to a girl you recently began dating and were sincerely interested in.

 

Actually, I would have done the same thing, because my perspective was that I hardly left my sister's side. Maybe I was gone for 5 minutes. She perceived it as an hour. The greater point is we have her story. His is likely different. And there is a third side of the story, a third perspective, that is likely the truth and we don't know it.

[Trialbyfire]

One more thing. If this guy is really a player, don't think you can change him. He won't be thinking about you at all. It will be all about him, his ego and his needs.