I'm so lost right now.

[BigMistakes]

My story. A bit long but I'll keep it as short as I can.

 

I've been with my wife about 15 years. I'm in my mid 30's. As arrogant as this sounds, I'm that "perfect husband" that got cheated on--intelligent, in excellent physical shape, great job, not bad looking (or am I?--my self esteem in that category has been destroyed). I'm very laid back, never raise my voice, healthy sense of humor. Never forgot a holiday. Spent plenty of time with my wife. Took her to many nice dinners. Yet I was cheated on. I guess in all of my efforts to be the "perfect husband" and now a great father. I do all the right things. I don't get drunk or do crazy things. I don't abandon my family on weekends to do things with the guys, so I'm not into any exciting things. I guess that makes me boring.

 

The affair was 5 years ago with someone I still have never even seen. I was so close to divorcing her then, but she convinced me that she was truly regretful and loved me... and as sad as this is to say, I stood to lose a very large amount of money through a divorce, so I chose not to go through with the divorce and see how things worked out.

 

As one of my ways of coping, I felt a definite need to sleep with other women, but I refused to be deceptive. My wife and I actually both agreed that getting into the swinging lifestyle was a good idea for us. Believe it or not, it was. I think we both enjoyed it. My problem was not with her sleeping with a stranger, but with the betrayal and lies. We actually had a lot of fun with that.

 

A few years of that passed and everything seemed fine. We had a child together--the most amazing person in the world. That was 2 years ago.

 

My wife is an outstanding mother and a good partner. However the emotional connection has become non-existent. She has also completely let her body go, so my attraction to her is not what it used to be. She was once a very beautiful, fit, woman.

 

Now she would rather watch TV or play video games 3 hours a night and pretty much ignores me when it's time to go to bed. Her sex drive has always been terrible which was part of what shocked me about her affair. Of course my assumption is that I just don't do it for her. I can't even get her to expend a little energy by going for a walk with our daughter and me (so we go without her).

 

So 5 years after the affair I find myself at a low I haven't felt in about 4 years. I love my daughter more anything, but after she goes to bed, I'm left with a huge void that my wife does not fill or even attempt to fill.

 

There is no stress between us. We never fight. We are a perfect fit as far as the non-physical parts of a relationship are concerned. In fact, this is how we were before the affair.

 

I suppose this is the sort of thing I can probably endure the rest of my life and I'm the kind of guy who would do that in order to keep everyone else happy.

 

But I hurt--lately a lot. I don't even know what it is, but lately my mind keeps taking me back to 5 years ago when I discovered the affair. I'm certain now that there were other affairs before it, but I could never get her to admit it and I gave up asking years ago. She only "admitted" to the affair I know about when I provided her with proof.

 

And again, it doesn't seem to be as much about the sex part of the affair. We both had quite a bit of sex after the affair when we were swinging, and the sex she had while we were swinging doesn't bother me in the least--probably because we were honest about it and we were both doing it.

 

I don't believe what I really need I will ever get from my wife.

 

Unlike a lot of people here, I'm not tempted by an affair and fighting the urge to have one out of respect for her. I feel like I desperately need one, but I just haven't had the opportunity. I don't have the time because I put family first and I so rarely actually meet anyone new that there is no one, even if I had the time.

 

I guess it's become a self-esteem issue. I get no real form of physical validation, ever, and the one person who should be providing that for me, felt that I was so unimportant, and of so little value, that she was willing to risk losing me to sleep with someone else. I don't think that thought will ever leave me. I was worth risking.

 

And even if I could accept validation from her, she shows me no signs that she is even remotely attracted to me.

 

I'm certain that if we had no child, and I didn't have such a financial loss on the line, I would leave her. But like I said, I'm the kind of guy who will go on like this until my kid(s) are out of the house. She would have to screw up pretty bad for me to want to separate my daughter's parents (which is how I view us now).

 

But I've been feeling really bad lately. At this point, I wouldn't feel even a little guilty about an affair. I can say that with complete certainty.

 

Does anyone else who has been cheated on have this lack of loyalty now that the emotional rollercoaster ride is over? What do you do about it?

[Darth Vader]

Don't cheat! You wife has never repected you from the way it sounds. Did she say why she cheated, even with a very good answer, there's no reason or excuse to cheat, my guess is that she just wanted some strange. But her not telling you that she had other affairs is her continuing to humiliate and disrespect you. Do you think she would put up with you if you had cheated? I say NO!

What makes you think that she had other affairs? If she's not sleeping with you, she may be sleeping with someone else! I would install a keylogger just in case. Does she watch her cell phone like a hawk? Ever receive any strange hang up phone calls? How did you discover the first affair?

[whichwayisup]

I suggest you talk to your wife and tell exactly how you feel and what you've shared here today. Hopefully she'll be willing to go to marriage counselling with you.

 

Please don't cheat, even if something comes your way...That won't fix anything, it will only make you feel worse...You don't want to cheat on your wife and betray your whole family. Two wrongs don't make a right...

[Chrome Barracuda]

two wrongs dont make a right. Right now your feeling all this resentment because you guys never attacked the issue head on. You need a moment of clarity. I understand that you feel used and duped, but 5 years have past. You should have taken positive steps to move past this affair. I know it sucks I dont wish that pain on anyone. But if you need counciling then go and get some.

 

Resentment builds quick and you might want to persue revenge but even then it's not worth it. good luck to you.

[Woggle]

You two need marriage counseling. Her affair was wrong but if it was that long ago and she is remorseful cheating on her only make things worse.

[checkingoutnow]

I thought I was the perfect husband too until my wife of 3 years cheated on me while pregnant with our second child. I guess I was too boring for her. Loving her and respecting her was not enough. I made a failed suicide attempt a week after I found out. She's 10 years older than I at 33 and I am 23. I take care of our one child and probably the second after she has that. Staying with family now with our son and am prepared to take care of both children as she seems uninterested in being a wife and mother. In fact, she's pretty indifferent to us now. I busted my azz through college and taking care of her getting my masters now and this is what i get. I take care of her financially, emotionally etc.. apparently most women are trash. Thanks for warning me world. My parents always taught me to treat women with the utmost respect and I had no idea I'd get bitten in the azz in spades. Thanks!

[Mr. Lucky]

Look at it this way - you have a lot of issues with your life and marriage right now. Do you want to introduce the additional chaos that infidelity inevitably brings? As`others have said, communication and MC are your only hopes. Reading between the lines, as badly as you feel, I'll bet your wife feels worse. Her weight gain, lethargy and depression are the same cry for help that you're posting here. Sounds like it's time to address the problems you guys have...

 

Mr. Lucky

[MrsHellnoFire]

My goodness, she is only in her mid thirties and you have lost attraction to her. What do you plan to do as both of you age?? Why even get married? You know youth is not forever.

[Bobby NoBrains]

Look at it this way - you have a lot of issues with your life and marriage right now. Do you want to introduce the additional chaos that infidelity inevitably brings? As`others have said, communication and MC are your only hopes. Reading between the lines, as badly as you feel, I'll bet your wife feels worse. Her weight gain, lethargy and depression are the same cry for help that you're posting here. Sounds like it's time to address the problems you guys have...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

I agree totally ... There seems to be a lot more going on than you two are able to handle by yourselves. Get some professional help, and also the support of close family members and friends if you can.

 

Just my two bits ..

 

Bobby

[rockerdude]

Hi Bigmistakes..!

ME? 20 years of marriage & being faithful.

Her: Christian woman who had 2 affairs right off the bat.

Me: I forgave, we were young (18-20) and now 18 years after that....

She has done it again and LIED her a_ _ off, with the most sweet and honest face...you'd really never believe it if you just talked to her...lol, but not really.

 

Yes the betrayal IS what is the issue. The swinging, believe it or not, was just a way for her to get more of what she desired to do and she got YOU to do it with her.OUCH!

She does it behind your back AND right in front of you.

YOU did it, albeit on a subconscious level....to cope, understand, help you to not judge her....cause by doing it ..."How can you?" And it gave you a sense of control over her, believe it or not. It was a "safe" thing. BUt for her, believe you /me...she knew what she was doing. And she disrespected you ...right in front of your face.

 

There probably was a sense of freedom and healing, but it was still just an "enchantment" a small fulfilling of desire. But can one really "have" anything with someone else and expect "it" to be anything more than>what it really is?

 

Think about it....is any of this love, really?

She doesn't respect you. And I think if your honest with yourself...you don't either.

 

You have been hurt by the betrayal. And by going on with "it" swinging (to get some sort of false sense of healing) -or- not (your relationship now) means nothing to her.

She got what she wanted and secretly "she" knows that she is in control and you'll just take it.

If she decides to do it again...she will!

And how will you feel then? What will you do then? Swing again to get over it?

 

When you devalue her in the relationship by allowing "other men" to have her, she doesn't have any self respect. (and you doing it lowered yourself to being...just like her-it is a common thing, don't beat yourself up)

There is no respect here so she cannot give it to you AND "she" somewhere inside "hates" you for allowing it to happen. What you were saying to her when swinging IS...I don't think your special enough...I need something or someone else to fill what you cannot give me.9it is one of many things being said by the action actually)

 

Let's face it "most" women want to feel special and cared for.

And if she isn't or she doesn't THEN....how can she give you something ...

1.) That she doesn't have?

2.) That you by your actions have said are not that important?

 

Now you want something more...

Sad but forgiveness without discipline/consequences is nothing more than a sign that reads.."Do whatever you want to me, I am not that important!"

 

This is why you feel like you do. You need to level with yourself and get mad at the bad choices (without blaming anyone) and get help to figure it out...with OR without her.

Maybe she was sexually abused? And feels she "needs" to be in control sexually, to make up for having it taken from her when she was younger.

 

What do you think she would say if you said,"Honey we need to get some counselling to figure out "why" you went out on me and why I allowed "us" to go even further into swinging to try and ease the pain.

 

You obviously don't want to punish her or judge her...as most people don't BUT...

Without really dealing with the core issues...there is no hope of it turning out well.

 

My wife avoided accountability like the plague. And I would venture to guess that your wife "wants her freedom" more than> you!

Being that she is still there AND if she is not trying to fulfill "sexual" and"emotional" needs through others...then you could say ...she is available and might be willing to deal with it...with you.

 

IF SHE DOESN"T....then you'll know if she "really" loves you & your marriage together OR you are just convienent to her.

 

Then again what do I really know...but unless you have a basis for what you call love and rules....YES rules for the relationship....then it is just a free for all and it really isn't love now is it?And how can you expect anything solid in a free for all?

 

Sorry to be so brash but I spent wayyyy to many years believing the best when I should have demanded, in a nice way...respect and accountability.

I hope to save others from the pain and tip toeing around does no good.

 

There is no simple answer, just choices to make sure what/who you are dealing with and what choices you need to make to have what you desire.

Especially when it is YOU, YOUR life and future that is in question.

 

What if your child grows up and she does it again?....What if your child learns this behaviour? What if she thinks it is really ok and when your child is older subtlely says the same? Is that what you want you child to do with his or her own relationships and with others?

Do you want them to go through and feel the same pain? For the sake of sexual pleasure for a season.

 

Yet I digress....ok now everyone can bash me...lol.

It IS just an opinion though, hope this helps!

Really I do .

[MtMan]

We all have trouble dealing with the reality that the honeymoon phase lasts about 2 years.

 

That is the time that mother nature needs a man and woman to stay together to successfuly continue the species.

 

This is most likely the reason why you are wondering why you don't have chemistry for your wife, and the reason why your wife cheated, and the reason why you both liked swinging. Because swinging and cheating is getting back into a honeymoon phase.

 

The only solution is for us all to rearrange our priorities and then to stick to our word once we decide what our priorities and committments are.

 

For instance, I have told my 6 year old daughter that I love her more than anything else in the universe. Several times. In different ways. She says it back. Obviously if I were to go off into greener grass, I would have let her down - she would feel as if I never really did mean what I said to her.

 

I love my 7 year old son too of course, but he seems more independent and so I tell him I love him too and it comes back but not as much as my daughter. To her I seem especially important in her life.

 

Meanwhile, being 45, and my wife being 46, I experience mid-life crisis feelings, amplified by hypomania (i have a light case of bipolar disorder - manic depression,) and recently I was feeling up (continually because of a new medication I'm taking - which puts me in blessing in disguise category which is a good thing) and hypersexual as well as over confident and feeling younger. Some flirting came back at me, which surprised me. I wanted to get together with the gal but fortunately never had the guts to quite ask her to meet - as I was flirting with her at her place of work and there were sometimes others around, plus I felt inappropriate for wearing a wedding ring and wanting to ask her on a date.

 

Anyhow - maybe I would be happier with that gal if she was really interested in me. But why would my needs be more important than my 6 and 7 year olds'? See what I mean by priorities?

 

My biological urge to find another (and younger) mate is just that - a biological urge. Why would I let my biological urge take priority over my love for my kids? Wouldn't I essentially be being an ape and not a man if I did so?

 

1/3 of people with bipolar disorder cheat - at least I read that somewhere, based on one study, which might not have been a huge study. But it makes sense as if you are hyper sexual you have a stronger urge. So it is easier said than done. But this is the type of thinking that is helping me to remain focused on the reality of my priorities in my life.

 

If you do an honest attempt to work on your marriage issues - hopefully with a counselor but at the least right here on these forums - and things are disastrous to the point where your kids would be better off if your wife was with someone else and in your case as well (if you are modeling a horrible relationship,) you might consider bailing out on the grounds that your kids need a better model for a marriage. However, this can be a cop out I think, a scapegoat. I really think kids need their original parents and that divorce is devastating to them, less and less the older they get of course.

 

Also, if you love someone you are supposed to love their strengths and weaknesses. I need more space in my relationship - and I have been told and agree that if there isn't enough space, you focus more on the weaknesses and issues and not so much on the strengths and love. So - you and I have something in common - our heroic spending a lot of time with our kids and family. This may actually be to our detriment though if it results in not getting enough space with the wife. One solution - do stuff with your kids but leave out your wife, and also vice versa.

 

I read somewhere that one guy's solution is for guys to spend time with guys - it allows you to get the needed space.

 

Ultimately it comes down to how good you want to be at keeping your promises. The marriage vows say for better and for worse, in sickness and health. Is your wife depressed? Does she need medication? Maybe she has bipolar - she could be cheating when hypomanic, and under sexual when depressed, cycling in moods.

 

I'm struggling too, and I know it isn't easy. But I think the bottom line is a real man puts his own needs lower on the priority totem pole when he has committed himself into a marriage, particularly when he has had kids. Cheaters and hollywood marriage partners with disposable marriages and lives are really no different from apes. I'm sure that is a bit cold but I believe it is the truth.

[norajane]

Your wife sounds like she's depressed...has she ever been to a psychiatrist?

 

I agree with the MC suggestions. There's no way you two are going to repair your relationship on your own - why not get some help?

[BigMistakes]

I think most of you missed the target completely and are definitely over-diagnosing me. I don't feel I have the problem. My life could not be better outside of this one issue.

 

The person who suggested she is depressed is right. She is. She has seen psychiatrists. She's been on drugs. None have been very successful.

 

She's just become a nearly lifeless person around me. I get no inspiration from her. Our daughter clearly makes her happy most of the time. I can make her laugh any time I want.

 

But underneath it all, she really seems to have no motivation to do anything beyond surviving each day. And it's not like she has a hard life. She doesn't work. Our daughter is 2 and a very easy child. She does minimal housework. I do more housework than she does many days. There really isn't much more I can do to lighten a load that is already much lighter than my own.

 

Unfortunately, I simply will never be attracted to anyone like that, no matter what they look like. Simply existing is not good enough for me. I'm attracted to people who love life, who enjoy each day, and are just happy to be alive. That is not her any more.

 

As for the swinging thing--it was completely my doing and it served a great purpose for me. Sex had been very "special" to the point of her affair. We had never been with anyone else (to my knowledge). Once she broke that, I found myself feeling like a teenage virgin again. And I had been wanting to experience other people since before we got married even, so I made it a condition of us continuing our marriage. There was absolutely no way I would spend the rest of my life faithful to her after she had shattered that bond. Swinging closed a lot of wounds for me.

 

I took total control of my life at that point and said "Either I am going to get everything I need out of this marriage and be happy, or we are divorcing." That worked pretty well for a while--until she got pregnant. Since then she has become so lifeless unless it pertains to our daughter.

 

I guess we're due for a serious talk. There's just no way I can spend the rest of my life with someone who is so uninspiring--some one who takes life for granted. Maybe it all does come down to her depression. I just know I will not be able to spend the rest of my life living with a depressed wife.

 

And unfortunately, her decision to break our wedding vows, to say I was worth risking, will always be a permanent thing. So for me, "Better or worse" no longer exists. I will never feel compelled to stick by her because she didn't stick by me. I often wonder if she didn't just stay with me because she was afraid she wouldn't be able to make it on her own.

 

I have tried for 5 years to be the bigger person and go back to valuing our vows as if she had been forever loyal to me. I can not. I'm not wired that way. No counselor can fix that.

[whichwayisup]

Anyhow - maybe I would be happier with that gal if she was really interested in me. But why would my needs be more important than my 6 and 7 year olds'? See what I mean by priorities?

 

My biological urge to find another (and younger) mate is just that - a biological urge. Why would I let my biological urge take priority over my love for my kids? Wouldn't I essentially be being an ape and not a man if I did so?

 

This is great! I wish more thought like this!

 

But underneath it all, she really seems to have no motivation to do anything beyond surviving each day. And it's not like she has a hard life. She doesn't work. Our daughter is 2 and a very easy child. She does minimal housework. I do more housework than she does many days. There really isn't much more I can do to lighten a load that is already much lighter than my own.

 

Well, maybe she needs to work. Have some sort of reason to get out there and do. Being at stay at home mom is hard, especially when you're disconnected from the real world. Maybe she's lost "who" she is. Not as your wife or a mother, but as HERSELF, the person you fell in love with years ago.

 

Unfortunately, I simply will never be attracted to anyone like that, no matter what they look like. Simply existing is not good enough for me. I'm attracted to people who love life, who enjoy each day, and are just happy to be alive. That is not her any more.

 

Then talk to her about this. Encourage her to do more outside of the house. Hire a cleaning lady so she won't have to do housework.

 

She can volunteer, or work 2-3 days a week. Be out and about more instead of staying home. She doesn't have that self satisfaction going on, that sense of accomplishment - She needs that!!!!!!

[SarahBeth04]

I think most of you missed the target completely and are definitely over-diagnosing me. I don't feel I have the problem. My life could not be better outside of this one issue.

 

The person who suggested she is depressed is right. She is. She has seen psychiatrists. She's been on drugs. None have been very successful.

 

She's just become a nearly lifeless person around me. I get no inspiration from her. Our daughter clearly makes her happy most of the time. I can make her laugh any time I want.

 

But underneath it all, she really seems to have no motivation to do anything beyond surviving each day. And it's not like she has a hard life. She doesn't work. Our daughter is 2 and a very easy child. She does minimal housework. I do more housework than she does many days. There really isn't much more I can do to lighten a load that is already much lighter than my own.

 

Unfortunately, I simply will never be attracted to anyone like that, no matter what they look like. Simply existing is not good enough for me. I'm attracted to people who love life, who enjoy each day, and are just happy to be alive. That is not her any more.

 

As for the swinging thing--it was completely my doing and it served a great purpose for me. Sex had been very "special" to the point of her affair. We had never been with anyone else (to my knowledge). Once she broke that, I found myself feeling like a teenage virgin again. And I had been wanting to experience other people since before we got married even, so I made it a condition of us continuing our marriage. There was absolutely no way I would spend the rest of my life faithful to her after she had shattered that bond. Swinging closed a lot of wounds for me.

 

I took total control of my life at that point and said "Either I am going to get everything I need out of this marriage and be happy, or we are divorcing." That worked pretty well for a while--until she got pregnant. Since then she has become so lifeless unless it pertains to our daughter.

 

I guess we're due for a serious talk. There's just no way I can spend the rest of my life with someone who is so uninspiring--some one who takes life for granted. Maybe it all does come down to her depression. I just know I will not be able to spend the rest of my life living with a depressed wife.

 

And unfortunately, her decision to break our wedding vows, to say I was worth risking, will always be a permanent thing. So for me, "Better or worse" no longer exists. I will never feel compelled to stick by her because she didn't stick by me. I often wonder if she didn't just stay with me because she was afraid she wouldn't be able to make it on her own.

 

I have tried for 5 years to be the bigger person and go back to valuing our vows as if she had been forever loyal to me. I can not. I'm not wired that way. No counselor can fix that.

 

I think you answered the question of what you need to do. It is obivous you are ready to move on with you life. If you feel you can never stick by your wife again, WHY IN THE WORLD are you married to her still? You both deserve to move on and find happiness. Your child deserves to grow up in a happy home.

[NoIDidn't]

The person who suggested she is depressed is right. She is. She has seen psychiatrists. She's been on drugs. None have been very successful.

 

She's just become a nearly lifeless person around me. I get no inspiration from her. Our daughter clearly makes her happy most of the time. I can make her laugh any time I want.

 

But underneath it all, she really seems to have no motivation to do anything beyond surviving each day.

 

Sounds like its a moderate to severe clinical depression. It would help her a lot if you had a little education on depression to know why she is so lifeless and merely surviving.

 

I know that doesn't seem fair, and in many ways it isn't, but she really needs your help. It can even be helpful to tell her what you are really feeling (in marriage counselling though) to motivate her to help herself. If the meds aren't working, has she changed her diet? Those walks with your daughter would help too. But she HAS to do it.

 

Depression sucks the life out of people. That's what you are witnessing. Even that part is depressing. Don't be surprised if you find yourself slipping into it watching someone you love suffer in that way.

 

Counselling is a good idea. Even if you go alone.

[norajane]

The person who suggested she is depressed is right. She is. She has seen psychiatrists. She's been on drugs. None have been very successful.

Then take her to a different doctor, and try different drugs and adjust the dosages until something works.

 

What's the alternative? Giving up and accepting she's going to be depressed forever? You can walk away from your marriage, but she's a mother and will always be a mother regardless of whether you get a divorce...a child needs a mother who is 'all there'.

[MrsHellnoFire]

Thinking about straying? You want to nail her coffin shut too? During depression, you already feel like dying.

 

Yeah.. if it's rotten for you, just imagine how she feels. Can you stand to see her in this much pain? It's a very awful feeling and sometimes leads to suicide. One thing you could do is help her seek aid and eventually bloom into what she was before this depression episode erupted. Don't give up. She might have already given up on herself and don't you do that too! That might be too much for her to bear given the circumstances. Please keep the hope and help her struggle through this.