kristy8 Posted April 23, 2003 Posted April 23, 2003 My boyfriend likes to look at porn, why is this? He said it's better to look at porn then to go somewhere else. He said that it is normal for guys to look at porn, is it? I don't know why, but it make me feel uncomfortable. Am I just being a girl that doesn't understand mens needs?
Bill Posted April 23, 2003 Posted April 23, 2003 I personally believe it is morally wrong. This is part of my morals. It is mostly due to the male sex drive that causes this "problem". I suffer not from this sex drive, thanks to a certain medication. If this is an obsession of his, and it could become one, he might have something wrong with him.
Tony T Posted April 24, 2003 Posted April 24, 2003 Many men look at pictures of nude women on occasion, either in magazines or on the net. But a complete obsession with it is not normal. If a guy has a girlfriend who has a problem with it, doing so is rude and inconsiderate. If he can't resist looking, he has an addiction which may need treatment. Anytime a preoccupation with porn affects people's lives and relationships, it is definitely a problem.
Pookette Posted April 24, 2003 Posted April 24, 2003 I have the same problem you do. It has brought me nothing but heartache. If you go under the Infidelity section in here you'll find my post entitled "Help me..." If not, then I'll fill you in a little. My ex boyfriend got to the point when he'd prefer playing with himself than have the real thing. I'm not airbrushed, but I'm attractive, normal body, etc. It really shook my self confidence. It's been over 3 years, but it still affects me. My husband looks at porn, and I've tried explaining this to him, but I don't really think it's made a difference. I won't leave him, but I am not too happy about the whole situation. Dilly of a dilemma, says Ned Flanders. I've tried everything I can think of. I'm already depressed because of this habit of his. It's getting to the point where I don't even really want to have sex anymore because all I can think is he is fantasizing about this other sh*t when he's with me. I know I'm being paranoid, whatever else you can think of, but I just can't help it. <sigh> Well, hopefully you don't have to go through that kind of stuff. Talk with him now and let him know you won't put up with it and hopefully he will respect your wishes and feelings and give up this filthy habit. Be firm with him. To Bill: Can I have some of your morals in a bottle so I can feed them to my husband? Maybe some of these meds I can crush up in his food? I wish I was kidding...
Bill Posted April 24, 2003 Posted April 24, 2003 To Bill: Can I have some of your morals in a bottle so I can feed them to my husband? Maybe some of these meds I can crush up in his food? I wish I was kidding... Why did you get married to this guy?
stepwater Posted April 30, 2003 Posted April 30, 2003 Its perfectly normal, many guys indulge themselves in porn. It can become a problem, but mostly likely it won’t. Its understandable that it makes you feel uncomfortable, but simply ask him not to view it when your with him. If he truly cares about your feelings he will respect your request. But whatever you do, don’t tell him he’s not allowed to look at it. In the end he’ll do it anyways and it will only make you look like an uptight girlfriend. Take my advice, I’ve seen this many of times.
niko1999 Posted May 6, 2003 Posted May 6, 2003 I had the same problem. Naturally, it is going to make you feel insecure, like youre not good enough, not attractive enough, blah blah blah. And I felt the same way. Now, my boyfreind gets a very tame magazine, Playboy. When he first subscribed to it, I called my mother to talk to her, becuase I was kind of angry about it. Well, ya know what she told me? Look at it with him. And I did. After I looked at it myself. I had told him what I thought back when he subscribed to it, and again when he got it. He even told me taht I could go through and decide what he could and could not look at So it is ok to feel insecure, but for one thing, chances of him fantasizing about those women when you guys are doing "it" isnt very likely, becuase guys, in general, just cant do two things at once like that, why do you think it is so easy for a guy to get off? they turn thier brain on to what is happening at the moment, and that is it express your concerns to him, and he should have the decency to both keep it out of sight when youre around, and not look at it when youre around. But Im serious, look at it with him. Youll see for yourself, that most of hte women in there, are pretty dooffy looking and not all that attractive. most men, in the end, would take a "real" woman over that
Tony T Posted May 6, 2003 Posted May 6, 2003 YOU WRITE: "Youll see for yourself, that most of hte women in there, are pretty dooffy looking and not all that attractive. most men, in the end, would take a "real" woman over that." You are quite right. I have personally dated three, yes THREE, Playboy centerfolds who live in my area...two prior to their getting stapled in the belly button. All three were different but none lived up to the personna one would perceive from seeing and reading about them in the magazine. They were just like anybody else. One of them even took nearly three hours to get ready for our dates. I spent as much time getting to know her mother while I was waiting for her as I did with her. They were all just the same as any other ladies in most ways. I'm sort of sorry I had those dates because I can't look at Playboy now and enjoy the fantasy that most men do. That's all it is, a magical fantasy...some gorgeous chick...albeit an airbrushed one...living in some other town....butt naked....ready to rip our pants off and get laid. So these Playmates are real, they are the girls next door, they fart, belch, wear make up, get cavaties, bitch, get bad breath, eat, sleep, drink, get depressed, have relationship problems, etc. just like everybody else. It's a perception we get with our subscription but it's a lot easier than going to the mall and undressing women with our eyes. It's really hard to compete with a fantasy.
quankanne Posted May 6, 2003 Posted May 6, 2003 precisely, Tony! Most of us gals have a hard time fathoming why our men pay to look at nudie magazines or videos, pay a cover fee to a strip club or go on-line to oogle these women after telling us they love us and our attributes. how can we compete with that kind of perfection? I guarantee, if a guy gave his girl a good wolf-whistle or made "those" eyes at her from time to time, she wouldn't feel like chopped liver every time his eyes wandered another direction. Someone once told me it's not where you get your appetite as long as you eat at home; but how appealing is a home-cooked meal when all you have on your mind is something prepared by a Cordon Bleu chef?
Tony T Posted May 6, 2003 Posted May 6, 2003 YOU WRITE: "...it's not where you get your appetite as long as you eat at home." Well, uh, eating out is nice once in a while!!!
HokeyReligions Posted May 6, 2003 Posted May 6, 2003 yes, but. . . wouldn't it be nice sometimes to be able to air-brush our own cellulite, moles, freckles, dimples, etc., the way they do in the magazines?
quankanne Posted May 6, 2003 Posted May 6, 2003 I'd keep the fat if I could have long hair painted past my shoulders, and I'd even keep the same color (black with grey starter-hairs)!
mags Posted June 5, 2004 Posted June 5, 2004 Hello Everyone, I have a similar problem with my boyfriend. I don't disagree with looking at porn, I know for most guys it is just a natural thing to fantasize about. My boyfriend looks at porn pretty much everyday on the computer, he says it is because he's bored and it's just something to do. I've always known he has looked at porn but this past Sept. we moved in together and I found out just how often he looked at it. It's usually while I'm at work and he's at home. Our sex life used to be great, and now I find myself very insecure and not so excited about sex. It's getting to the point where I don't even want to have sex anymore. I'm a good looking girl but for some reason I cannot get these images that he looks at out of my mind. I feel very inadequate and very unattractive. I have tried to talk to him about this but he gets very protective and defensive. I just feel like I don't measure up and when we do have sex I feel like I'm not good enough. I don't know what to do, do you think I am making too big of a deal out of this? I just want to be happy again. I hate feeling this way but at the same time I can't talk about it with him because he gets mad. I don't want to be one of those controlling girlfriends that tells her boyfriend what to do. I just want him to realize how I feel. What should I do HELP!!!! mags*
UCFKevin Posted June 6, 2004 Posted June 6, 2004 It's normal. Guys like porn. Most of the time, it doesn't present a problem. It's just a masturbation tool. Nothing else. There are no ulterior motives.
WranglerGal1979 Posted June 6, 2004 Posted June 6, 2004 I also think it's immoral. It's normal for young men to look atthat crap but he should not have it out in the open or look at it while you are around. Any man that respects you will hide it and few will stop looking at it out of respect to you. I do not like that crap because it is degrading to women and it makes all women look like hoes.
UCFKevin Posted June 6, 2004 Posted June 6, 2004 Are the women being forced to do it against their will? Are they not getting paid? The answer to both is HELL NO. They're all doing it out of their own free will and getting paid pretty well to just get boned.
Fritz Posted June 6, 2004 Posted June 6, 2004 Originally posted by WranglerGal1979 I also think it's immoral. It's normal for young men to look atthat crap but he should not have it out in the open or look at it while you are around. Any man that respects you will hide it and few will stop looking at it out of respect to you. I do not like that crap because it is degrading to women and it makes all women look like hoes. A lot of women these days make themselves look more like hoes than porn ever could. I'm not saying that some of it isn't degrading to women (and to men at times as well) but at least porn stars openly admit they're getting paid for sex versus these women who demand to be treated like a princess with jewels all the time..then just maybe they'll put out.
UCFKevin Posted June 6, 2004 Posted June 6, 2004 VERY well said. Go to any mall in the United States. Look at your typical 13 or 14 year old girls. Look at how they dress. THAT's degrading. That's disgusting and any parent who would let their kid out of the house dressed like that is f*cked in the head.
Unlucky In Love Posted June 8, 2004 Posted June 8, 2004 I once dated a guy who was really into porn. What I've learned is that guys who are really into porn don't make good boyfriends in the long run. They usually start cheating at some point to fulfill their sexual interests and desires. I was only able to date this man, because, at the time, I was really into sex, also. I enjoyed watching some porn for fun. But if you aren't comfortable with porn, this is not the man for you. I have dated plenty of men who aren't into it all at. You need to be with someone who has the same values as you. Now is the time to start shopping around. Good Luck!!!
UCFKevin Posted June 8, 2004 Posted June 8, 2004 What I've learned is that guys who are really into porn don't make good boyfriends in the long run. They usually start cheating at some point to fulfill their sexual interests and desires. Well, that's officially the most ridiculous thing I've heard all day. I enjoyed watching some porn for fun. Whoops! I spoke too soon.
soserious1 Posted June 8, 2004 Posted June 8, 2004 Originally posted by mags* Hello Everyone, I have a similar problem with my boyfriend. I don't disagree with looking at porn, I know for most guys it is just a natural thing to fantasize about. My boyfriend looks at porn pretty much everyday on the computer, he says it is because he's bored and it's just something to do. I've always known he has looked at porn but this past Sept. we moved in together and I found out just how often he looked at it. It's usually while I'm at work and he's at home. Our sex life used to be great, and now I find myself very insecure and not so excited about sex. It's getting to the point where I don't even want to have sex anymore. I'm a good looking girl but for some reason I cannot get these images that he looks at out of my mind. I feel very inadequate and very unattractive. I have tried to talk to him about this but he gets very protective and defensive. I just feel like I don't measure up and when we do have sex I feel like I'm not good enough. I don't know what to do, do you think I am making too big of a deal out of this? I just want to be happy again. I hate feeling this way but at the same time I can't talk about it with him because he gets mad. I don't want to be one of those controlling girlfriends that tells her boyfriend what to do. I just want him to realize how I feel. What should I do HELP!!!! mags* He has the right to look/at/read have fantasies about whomever/whatever he likes. The only right you have in this situation is to decline any sex he offers you that you aren't comfortable with.
am705731 Posted June 15, 2004 Posted June 15, 2004 I appreciate that most people who have responded in this thread can agree that is a guy is in a relationship, then it is fair for his partner to ask him to not engage in pornographic material. This is a problem that I am dealing with at the current moment. I have just recently found out that my boyfriend of 5 months has been looking at pornographic material and masturbating and he has been keeping it a secret from me. Towards the beginning of the relationship we talked about the subject, he admitted to it but promised that he wouldn't do it since he was in a relationship. I would ask him a few times a week about it and he would tell me that he wasn't, and I would hug him and be happy for him. Maybe it was my mistake to be too up tight, I don't know. Because just the other day I went on his laptop and I found evidence that he was looking at porn and I confronted him about it. I asked him if he was looking at porn and he promised me that he wasn't. Then I confronted him with the evidence and he 'fessed up. I am usually pretty good at keeping tabs on guys and what they do on computers, but I really thought that I could trust him. He was very good about hiding it. We talked about it and we developed a program to try to help him. He sets a reasonable goal weekly and if he meets it, we share a small reward (he has decided it will be a steak). The reason that I share it is that I have the role of basically nagging him with the theory that he will also meet his goal to remove the nagging and also to give him a "couch". I hope that I will write back in a few months with good news... I wouldn't necessarily make him stop watching porn and masturbating, but he a generally an honest person and I think that he must be very ashamed of this bad habit to lie about it. He also says that he is glad that I caught him and he tells me that he wants to stop. The reason I say this is that I really like this guy and whether or not he has a porn addiction, I want things to work between us. However I refuse to play the part of the abused women. Which brings me to my last but perhaps most useful piece of input. When a guy looks at sexually provoking material, his testosterone levels increase. When his testosterone levels increase, he become more aggressive (and is some cases more angry). This is the result of research conducted on sex abusers/child molesters, however it holds true for the case of any male. So if a guy in a relationship is looking at Pornographic material, his testosterone levels will increase, and he will be more aggressive with his partner. The result of this may be that he will want sex twice a day and why he will masturbate so often. And because most women don't want sex twice a day it will make them feel bad and like they are not making their men happy. And so the sexual relationship may become unhappy. The man may be so sexually driven that he will only care about his own pleasure and forget about the pleasure of the woman completely. All the time. Except for offering oral sex, and what if she doesn't want that? And the result of all this? A poor sex life. If you are in this porn situation, please think about this. If pornographic material didn't exist, would he look at it? And would he be just fine? Of course he can live without it! I consider it to be like butter. We put fat on most of our foods to artificially make them taste better. And the result? People are having more and more problems with weight than ever before. Now because of pornography, a fabricated enjoyment for men, there are more and more problems with sex between partners and also problems such as the spread of diseases and the failure of the family structure than ever before. Not to say that these problems are independently the result of pornography, but I suspect porn is a major influence. To be fair however I am not a man and this is just my point of view on the matter as a female in a relationship with a male that has a problem.
confusedbyfiance Posted June 29, 2004 Posted June 29, 2004 This weekend I found out that my fiance looks at pics of drag queens (kinky queens), was reading through Courtneys Diary (a website diary of a man who stuggles with his gender identity) and other transexual websites (i.e., Candi Cox). I am totally freaking out right now. I would describe him as a bit of a metrosexual - he is very meticulous about his body and waxes, etc - never bothered me. Also, I know he watches porn and it doesn't bother me too much. Although I'm not really comfortable with it, I've never asked him to stop. I figure it's normal and am glad he feels comfortable enough to not hide it. But this weekend was different. I was trying to find a website we had looked at earlier in the day and saw all of these weird web site names - kinky queens, candi cox - so I clicked on one and saw all these pics of men dressed as women and men having sex with transexuals and it was so horrible! I just found it to be so disgusting and I couldn't breathe when I thought about my fiance being turned on by this. I just feel like this crosses some line. He tried to explain that he isn't really into this and would delete all of the trans stuff on his computer, but I'm terrified that he's actually "into men" but is trying to live a straight life. If I stay with him and he leaves me for a man, I will feel terrible that I ignored this now. At the same time, I love him so much. I'm not the kind of girl who is desperate to be in a relationship, but I don't want to give up the one person I ever truly fell in love with. I'm totally confused because I don't know what to do. Please help. TIA.
Mr Spock Posted June 29, 2004 Posted June 29, 2004 Originally posted by Bill I personally believe it is morally wrong. This is part of my morals. It is mostly due to the male sex drive that causes this "problem". I suffer not from this sex drive, thanks to a certain medication. If this is an obsession of his, and it could become one, he might have something wrong with him. I like porn...I don't think it's immoral.....does that mean my sex drive is messed up and I need meds? If my man (if I had one)would rather look at it than be with me I'd get a little upset. But I'm all for watching it together for fun and excitement. PS-I don't really find the amateur stuff all that good...you know the ones on the internet like "bangbus" etc-I don't get off on stuff that's really degrading, but I've seen a lot of good porn that isn't
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