carolinaboy Posted October 6, 2007 Posted October 6, 2007 I don't want to sound petty and I can't discern how I feel about it, but having my ex call me for the 7th or 8th time last night since 2 1/2 mo. breakup is driving me nuts. I'm thinking about her all the time, she sounds so at ease with everything and it's making me think that I am overreacting to our breakup in a childish way. I'm very confused with emotions and have started having fun again but as soon as she calls me I'm back thinking about her and wishing she still had affection for me. I am perplexed as to why she keeps calling and keeping tabs on me. It's not perplexing to say that she is thinking of me and wants to have some contact. I just dont want to fool myself into thinking it's for romantic purposes. I'm upset that 2/12 years can go by and when it's done she's got a new guy and I'm picking up pieces. I think she partly doesnt understand b/c she brought the issue of us breaking up in an diplomatic way and at the time I was realizing we werent meant to be so I complied. truthfully I wanted it to work. when she called last night i just got all disoriented. I AM WONDERING IF IT IS WORTH IT TO EMAIL HER EXPLAINING MY DESIRE FOR NC, OR IF IT WILL JUST PERPETUATE THE ISSUE? I'm admiring her tenacity and wish that I could be as at ease as she, but I cant tell if her ease is a front. I just miss someone I loved.
lost4ever Posted October 6, 2007 Posted October 6, 2007 If it hurts to talk to her, yes write the e-mail saying you need NC.... If you just want to write the e-mail to see if she will tell you how much she misses you, then don't do it...because she just might say ok to NC
oppath Posted October 6, 2007 Posted October 6, 2007 Rather than email, I think it would be more constructive to just say it the next time she calls. If you email, you might get a reaction that hurts you somehow. She might not understand. You are not childish or immature for wanting this. It is childish and immature to believe that being your friends right now and keeping tabs on you is good for you emotionally. It is purely selfish on her part. Next time she calls, say "ideally, we could be friends, but I find that talking to you makes me feel really uncomfortable and stuck in the past. I'm not ready to be your friend. Do you understand why? I'd like for you not to contact me -- I'm not necessarily saying forever -- but I need more time and space. I will reach out to you when I am ready. Do you understand, and is this ok?" Unfortunately, from my experience, this request does not work, as the other person doesn't understand.
Reactor Posted October 6, 2007 Posted October 6, 2007 Mate, I think your ex is doing what my ex was doing in regards to 'being at ease'. She said to me 'Just because I'm smiling on top doesn't mean I'm not hurting underneath'. Was she telling the truth? Who knows...Who cares? Its over, what she is feeling is irrelevent, you need to concentrate on yourself. I will say that you sound alot like how I was. In the end I wrote her an e-mail but wasn't going to send it - I didn't see the point. Anyway she sent me an e-mail so I sent mine in reply. Long story short, I told her I couldn't do the 'friends' thing and that NC was the only option for us now. She hasn't been in contact since then. I do recommend that if contact with her is hurting you and ruining your day then you should do the same, write her an e-mail and tell her how you feel and that you can't do the friends thing right now, when/if you can you'll be in touch. You're head is in the right place because you already sound like you know what you have to do, I agree an e-mail would be the best way and the best thing in this situation. You should do it ASAP because the more she and you talk about your relationship the more it'll annoy her anyway, so either way she'll probably stop calling you! She'll probably think more of you in the long run if you tell her NC, rather than keep on at her. My ex and me kept talking after the relationship was over (at her request, and I being a fool nearly in love agreed) and in the end she couldn't be bothered with me telling her how I felt (she was too busy partying), which isn't a nice feeling at all I can tell you - Its not a lie when they say you can see the real 'person' during a breakup! Trust me mate, this is not the way to go, end contact now! Good Luck, Reactor
Author carolinaboy Posted October 6, 2007 Author Posted October 6, 2007 please keep em coming. i got to make it clear that I havent contacted her AT ALL......i've said the ideally we could be friends thing, but not yet, the i'm hurt, the i'm too busy. she is just persistent. and with the pain i'm going through, even though i'm doing what's best for me, it hurts when she gets the hint. it hurts when she says, ok well you seem busy i'll let you go. cos i wish she would actually talk to me about her feelings and issues with our breakup. she sounds like someone hit a reset button that sent her back to the days when we were just friends. it's hard for me to make small talk with such big things on my mind. i think im gonna wait til she calls. emails are hard to get the inflection and tone of feeling. if she doesnt call, then i dont have to worry about it anymore. this whole thing is weird. thanks for the incisive comments.
Tony T Posted October 6, 2007 Posted October 6, 2007 I don't want to sound petty and I can't discern how I feel about it, but having my ex call me for the 7th or 8th time last night since 2 1/2 mo. breakup is driving me nuts. I'm thinking about her all the time, she sounds so at ease with everything and it's making me think that I am overreacting to our breakup in a childish way. I'm very confused with emotions and have started having fun again but as soon as she calls me I'm back thinking about her and wishing she still had affection for me. I am perplexed as to why she keeps calling and keeping tabs on me. It's not perplexing to say that she is thinking of me and wants to have some contact. I just dont want to fool myself into thinking it's for romantic purposes. I'm upset that 2/12 years can go by and when it's done she's got a new guy and I'm picking up pieces. I think she partly doesnt understand b/c she brought the issue of us breaking up in an diplomatic way and at the time I was realizing we werent meant to be so I complied. truthfully I wanted it to work. when she called last night i just got all disoriented. I AM WONDERING IF IT IS WORTH IT TO EMAIL HER EXPLAINING MY DESIRE FOR NC, OR IF IT WILL JUST PERPETUATE THE ISSUE? I'm admiring her tenacity and wish that I could be as at ease as she, but I cant tell if her ease is a front. I just miss someone I loved. Don't give her the pleasure of knowing how much you miss her and how much you're torn up over the break up. If you want to call her, tell her you prefer not to hear from her because you are moving on and want to explore new horizons without interference from the past. A lot of women get pleasure from knowing a guy they broke up with was devastated...don't give them that! Actually it's best if you don't talk to her at all...don't call her...and don't answer the phone when her number comes up on caller ID. Don't return her messages. If she calls and you accidentally answer it, tell her you're very busy now...and hang up.
whichwayisup Posted October 6, 2007 Posted October 6, 2007 You can't be friends with her, not now, maybe not ever... Start ignoring her. You don't owe her anything. Tony T is right, tell her you're busy if by chance you see her or pick up the phone. YOUR LIFE is your business, not hers..She has no right to know what you do, what you are feeling or anything... She may push harder, especially if she thinks you're mad at her...And, if that happens, just tell her you don't want her in your life at all and SHE needs to move on. Put it back on her.
Author carolinaboy Posted October 6, 2007 Author Posted October 6, 2007 this site really gives you some perspective before you do something you may regret. this is a hard time for me, but you all are speaking sense. appreciate it!
Ssheena Posted October 6, 2007 Posted October 6, 2007 I vote for the telling her when she calls that talking to her right now as a friend is something you can't do as it brings up too many feelings for you. It is honest and it lets' her know that even though she may have moved on etc., that you are still hurting. It's very hard to do because if she does respect that and understand what you are feeling, you will not hear from her again and that is sometimes very hard. One time I had to tell my x to put himself in invisible mode so I wouldn't see when he was online because knowing he was there and not making any effort to chat with me was just eating me alive. Then I had to experience the pain of not seeing him anymore. It sucks but you have to do what is best for you, not what is best for her and I don't think you are ready to be "just friends".
oppath Posted October 6, 2007 Posted October 6, 2007 Since she dumped you and has apparently moved on, chances are, she'll think your request is immature and dumb. Especially if she is usually the dumper in her relationships because she's not often been in your position. This is why your options are to ignore her, or tell her when she calls. Email is too easy to misinterpret tone, and you don't want to risk her writing something back that may not respect or miscontrue your wishes, because it could piss you off.
Author carolinaboy Posted October 6, 2007 Author Posted October 6, 2007 what i was thinking. there's too much clouding the good in us hanging out to be realistic about spending time together. i'd feel weird just being the friend, or just a casual friend would be weirder. it's how it goes with ex's. when she asks to go play pool and how i'm doing, im misinterpreting it as a symbol of affection/flirtation. i wonder if i went to play pool if we would act like it used to be or if she told me that we cant act like that anymore (thats a given, but it's an easy trap to fall into) she already told me one time when i was saying goodbye and held her a little like i used to that she was freaked out. that made me feel super weird. that kind of stuff cant go down anymore and thats honestly all i'm wondering/half wishing for. cest la vie.
Trialbyfire Posted October 6, 2007 Posted October 6, 2007 Just call block her number. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Focus on yourself. Too many people make the mistake of being friends soon after the breakup. You don't owe her a thing, therefore, have no need to either feed her ego or make her feel less guilt. When you can view her dispassionately, you are then ready to make the decision to be friends, with a rational mind.
daphne Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 I wouldn't go so far as to take action or block her number. That sounds like you're trying too hard. Why does she keep calling? Very simple. You're not calling her. Even as the dumper, when a certain period of time goes by and I don't hear from a guy, I start to get anxious. Wondering why he isn't torn up about it. I'm not selfish enough to keep calling, however, to keep the line open so I have a safety net. Most people do this, however. I would just totally ignore her. If you try to tell her how you feel in this situation, you will give her the upper hand and she may not respect you. She apparently doesn't or she wouldn't try to mildly sstring you along to benefit herself.
marlena Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 When you can view her dispassionately, you are then ready to make the decision to be friends, with a rational mind. Never a wiser word has been uttered!!! You can not even entertain the idea of being friends until a lot of water has flowed under the bridge ....and that often requires a passing of time during which you have moved on to different places, other experiences and new people in your life .... Only after you have moved on in giant leaps can you even entertain the idea of re- establishing a connection with someone who once meant a great deal to you... when and if you do, you MUST be a different person in another place ... and as TBF said "dispassionately viewing" that other person from a new perspective That's how I view my ex- husband today ...fifteen years later, we are the best of friends !
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