heyjodes Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 Hello! Here's my situation in a nutshell. I became involved with a married man three years ago. It was very intense, and amazing and both of us never dreamed it would last. He left his wife (not officially divorced yet, but in the process) and we are happily together. For the last 2 years, I decided to move out of this very small town where everyone knows everything about each other to San Francisco where annominity prevails, and noone would know I was "the other woman". He stayed in the small town because he owns a business here and is basically tied to being here. After 2 years, the long distance was too much, so i just moved back to said small town about 1 week ago. I am finding it extremely difficult to adjust, knowing that the community knows the whole story. I am filled with guilt and shame, and feel like everyone hates me. I feel incarcerated in this town, uncomfortable being out in public with him and am just plain miserable. I might add here that there is a major age difference between us. I'm 30 and he is 59. Small towns are very gossipy and judgemental and I'm not quite sure how to deal with this. I can either move back to San Francisco, and continue the long distance thing, try and work it our here in this small town (although I doubt we'll get over the guilt/shame/worry) or just break up and go our own way...which is not something either of us really want to do. How can I cope with my affair in this small judgemental town? I should also mention that he and his ex are very amicable and get along better than ever now. She has been very understanding and knows she has a part in this whole affair. Please Help!!!
TogetherForever Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 Hello! Here's my situation in a nutshell. I became involved with a married man three years ago. It was very intense, and amazing and both of us never dreamed it would last. He left his wife (not officially divorced yet, but in the process) and we are happily together. For the last 2 years, I decided to move out of this very small town where everyone knows everything about each other to San Francisco where annominity prevails, and noone would know I was "the other woman". He stayed in the small town because he owns a business here and is basically tied to being here. After 2 years, the long distance was too much, so i just moved back to said small town about 1 week ago. I am finding it extremely difficult to adjust, knowing that the community knows the whole story. I am filled with guilt and shame, and feel like everyone hates me. I feel incarcerated in this town, uncomfortable being out in public with him and am just plain miserable. I might add here that there is a major age difference between us. I'm 30 and he is 59. Small towns are very gossipy and judgemental and I'm not quite sure how to deal with this. I can either move back to San Francisco, and continue the long distance thing, try and work it our here in this small town (although I doubt we'll get over the guilt/shame/worry) or just break up and go our own way...which is not something either of us really want to do. How can I cope with my affair in this small judgemental town? I should also mention that he and his ex are very amicable and get along better than ever now. She has been very understanding and knows she has a part in this whole affair. Please Help!!! Does everyone in this small town know that he's divorced? TF
Author heyjodes Posted October 5, 2007 Author Posted October 5, 2007 Well, He's not officially divorced. They are just separated. They spend a lot of time together and I have no idea what the rest of the town thinks of them. Since I have not been in the picture for almost 2 years (living in SF) the town might think they have reconciled. They are in the process of divorcing.
TogetherForever Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 Well, He's not officially divorced. They are just separated. They spend a lot of time together and I have no idea what the rest of the town thinks of them. Since I have not been in the picture for almost 2 years (living in SF) the town might think they have reconciled. They are in the process of divorcing. You said he & his ex - that's what thru me off. When he's divorced, no one will have a say. And what they think won't matter. Until then..... TF
Cobra_X30 Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 Well, He's not officially divorced. They are just separated. They spend a lot of time together and I have no idea what the rest of the town thinks of them. Since I have not been in the picture for almost 2 years (living in SF) the town might think they have reconciled. They are in the process of divorcing. Honest... that sounds like a bad set up. What indicators do you get that poeple in the town are judging you?
GreenEyedLady Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 I think just give it time to play out...Eventually the gossip will turn to something else... If it gets unbearable, then you can think about moving back, but really that would just look like they ran you out...If your R is strong, you two should be able to weather it... Good luck!
Author heyjodes Posted October 5, 2007 Author Posted October 5, 2007 Well, it could be my major insecurity about it, but the older man younger woman thing doesn't help much either. People mostly avoid us, or size us up. If we are out in public, and he knows someone, they will just avoid us. There was one experience where we had a mutual friend who used to adore me.After she found out about the affair, she never spoke to me again. And our neighbor is the same way. He used to ask me about my lfe all the time, give hugs, and praise (before affair) and now he just nods at us.I think he is uncomfortable with it as well. I am also very lonely. I have no friends and feel very isolated.
noforgiveness Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 It's probably more the age thing. They are probably wondering what you would ever see in someone more than old enough to be your dad. They probably look at you as a homewrecking golddigger with daddy issues. Sorry.
GreenEyedLady Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 They probably look at you as a homewrecking golddigger with daddy issues. Sorry. Just like you look like a bitter, hateful middle-aged woman...
whichwayisup Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 IF you two really love eachother, than that love will get you through all this. BUT, one thing, he should be getting the divorce finalized before you start your life with him...Good terms or not with his ex, (to be honest, I find that abit weird - Are you sure she knows about your affair with him?) he needs to put to bed that part of his life before moving on with you.
GreenEyedLady Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 Well, it could be my major insecurity about it, but the older man younger woman thing doesn't help much either. People mostly avoid us, or size us up. If we are out in public, and he knows someone, they will just avoid us. There was one experience where we had a mutual friend who used to adore me.After she found out about the affair, she never spoke to me again. And our neighbor is the same way. He used to ask me about my lfe all the time, give hugs, and praise (before affair) and now he just nods at us.I think he is uncomfortable with it as well. I am also very lonely. I have no friends and feel very isolated. You're not going to have friends immediately, you just moved there... Give it time... But really if you care so much about what other people think, that's going to cause problems...You need to learn that what matters is what YOU and HE think...not everyone else...
Author heyjodes Posted October 5, 2007 Author Posted October 5, 2007 to Noforgiveness: I totally agree that is how I am looked at. Its a shame because it is SO not the case. I have a decent relationship with my parents...am no golddigger...my man only makes 60K a year. if I really wanted to golddig, I would've aimed higher...hee.hee.
noforgiveness Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 to Noforgiveness: I totally agree that is how I am looked at. Its a shame because it is SO not the case. I have a decent relationship with my parents...am no golddigger...my man only makes 60K a year. if I really wanted to golddig, I would've aimed higher...hee.hee. If that's all he makes a year then you have your answer. He needs to sell his business and move. Relocate the business in a more prifitable area.
Author heyjodes Posted October 5, 2007 Author Posted October 5, 2007 To Which Way: Yes, she totally knows. I've spoken with her about it over the phone and have tentative plans to meet w/ her in person now that i live up here again. I agree that its weird that they have a good realtionship, but his ex is pretty amazing about it. She understands her part in the affair and what led up to it. she is very east to talk with, and i too am amazed at her strength and understanding. The thing is...they are noth happier now than before, and have a better/more honest relationship than ever. She has a boyfriend, he has me...i've met one of his two sons who gets along with me okay. I think what everyone realizs is that in order to move forward, we all have to get along. and to GreenEyed Lady...I've lived in this town for 10 years before moving to SF. I should have friends but I don't, and really don't know the best way to make new ones who wont judge me for not only the affair but for my older boyfriend. By the way...I love this forum. You are all very honest and helpful. Thanks!
frannie Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 Hello! Here's my situation in a nutshell. I became involved with a married man three years ago. It was very intense, and amazing and both of us never dreamed it would last. He left his wife (not officially divorced yet, but in the process) and we are happily together. For the last 2 years, I decided to move out of this very small town where everyone knows everything about each other to San Francisco where annominity prevails, and noone would know I was "the other woman". He stayed in the small town because he owns a business here and is basically tied to being here. After 2 years, the long distance was too much, so i just moved back to said small town about 1 week ago. I am finding it extremely difficult to adjust, knowing that the community knows the whole story. I am filled with guilt and shame, and feel like everyone hates me. I feel incarcerated in this town, uncomfortable being out in public with him and am just plain miserable. I might add here that there is a major age difference between us. I'm 30 and he is 59. Small towns are very gossipy and judgemental and I'm not quite sure how to deal with this. I can either move back to San Francisco, and continue the long distance thing, try and work it our here in this small town (although I doubt we'll get over the guilt/shame/worry) or just break up and go our own way...which is not something either of us really want to do. How can I cope with my affair in this small judgemental town? I should also mention that he and his ex are very amicable and get along better than ever now. She has been very understanding and knows she has a part in this whole affair. Please Help!!! Well, He's not officially divorced. They are just separated. They spend a lot of time together and I have no idea what the rest of the town thinks of them. Since I have not been in the picture for almost 2 years (living in SF) the town might think they have reconciled. They are in the process of divorcing. Do they have children..? They're separated, but spend a lot of time together, so that people might think they're still together..? The first question has to be: how 'separated' are they..? Does she know about you? Are they on their way to divorce..? If they have no children, why do they still spend so much time together..? My further questions are about him. Have you told him how you feel..? How did he react to that? Is he happy that you feel 'incarcerated..? Does he envisage 'coming out' as your partner, or are you still hidden, even after two years of separation (if that is right). How you survive: IF he's worth being with, he'll be protecting you and saving you from the 'gossip' and judgement of others, by being open about what's going on. Even to the extent of moving his business so the two of you can have a better, happier future together. If he's not prepared to think of you and do these things, then I'd question you: why bother with him..?
Author heyjodes Posted October 5, 2007 Author Posted October 5, 2007 NOFORGIVENESS: He owns a bunch of property here as well, is able to pay his employees very well, and has built a huge building for his usiness. I know for a fact that there is no way he's sell the buz, or relocate it. Not to mention, his ex owns half the business...and she's here permanently. Thanks for the advice though.
GreenEyedLady Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 GreenEyed Lady...I've lived in this town for 10 years before moving to SF. I should have friends but I don't, and really don't know the best way to make new ones who wont judge me for not only the affair but for my older boyfriend. Ok, that explains it then... From my experience, friendships form spontaneously...either a person at work, neighbor, someone you see at the gym all the time...you can join a group activity like a running club or something that fits with your interests...it will just happen naturally and then you'll really know who your friends are...
whichwayisup Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 Yes, she totally knows. I've spoken with her about it over the phone and have tentative plans to meet w/ her in person now that i live up here again. I agree that its weird that they have a good realtionship, but his ex is pretty amazing about it. She understands her part in the affair and what led up to it. she is very east to talk with, and i too am amazed at her strength and understanding. The thing is...they are noth happier now than before, and have a better/more honest relationship than ever. She has a boyfriend, he has me...i've met one of his two sons who gets along with me okay. I think what everyone realizs is that in order to move forward, we all have to get along. Then they did what was right for them...And hopefully in time (I take they have children together?) all of you can work together and make this adjustment work well, for yourselves and for their kids. She understands her part in the affair and what led up to it. You mean why he chose to have an affair with you. She wasn't part of the affair. She was part of their marriage, but not the affair...Whatever problems that were ongoing in the marriage were both of their faults, but the affair isn't her fault. Just had to clarify that. Someone said you don't know anyone in Town, they are right, it takes time to make friends. Not everybody will know 'everything' and even if they do, as I said earlier, if you and this guy really love eachother, don't let anyone else in that small town ruin you. His ex has moved on, she's okay with you now, so that is what counts.
Author heyjodes Posted October 5, 2007 Author Posted October 5, 2007 Hi Frannie. He has two sons, over 21. His ex and he own a business together which is why they spend time together. I trust that there is nothing other than business and family being discussed during their time together. They are also good friends and I wouldn't want it any other way. They spent 28 years together, and have a pretty good reltionship. Yes, he knows about my feelings because he too has the same feelings. We try and show ourselves but we both almost feel bad about it...like we're rubbing it in the faces of this community. We dont want attention which is why SF was so great for us. noone could care less about us over there. I think we are both mostly embarrassed about it and just dont want the town to make judegements. Most of my friends are 27-35 and his are 55-60, all married. They are uncomfortable hanging out w/ us...his friends more than mine. mine could care less, really. I think maybe his friends are uncomfortable because it makes them worry "if it happend to them it could happent to us"
frannie Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 To Which Way: Yes, she totally knows. I've spoken with her about it over the phone and have tentative plans to meet w/ her in person now that i live up here again. I agree that its weird that they have a good realtionship, but his ex is pretty amazing about it. She understands her part in the affair and what led up to it. she is very east to talk with, and i too am amazed at her strength and understanding. The thing is...they are noth happier now than before, and have a better/more honest relationship than ever. She has a boyfriend, he has me...i've met one of his two sons who gets along with me okay. I think what everyone realizs is that in order to move forward, we all have to get along. and to GreenEyed Lady...I've lived in this town for 10 years before moving to SF. I should have friends but I don't, and really don't know the best way to make new ones who wont judge me for not only the affair but for my older boyfriend. By the way...I love this forum. You are all very honest and helpful. Thanks! Ah I missed this post as I was writing mine!! That gives a completely different picture, with his W knowing, you both being open, and having met his son. Personally, I'd just try and ride it out for now. How long have you been back..? These things can change over time. People will always gossip and point fingers when they have nothing better to occupy their time with, but if they see it's not having an effect they'll find something else to talk about. Also, what about the two of you getting some NEW friends together..? I still think it comes down to asking him to help you out here. What does he think he can do to make you feel more comfortable..? You should be a priority for him now, if he envisions a future with you.
frannie Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 Hi Frannie. He has two sons, over 21. His ex and he own a business together which is why they spend time together. I trust that there is nothing other than business and family being discussed during their time together. They are also good friends and I wouldn't want it any other way. They spent 28 years together, and have a pretty good reltionship. Yes, he knows about my feelings because he too has the same feelings. We try and show ourselves but we both almost feel bad about it...like we're rubbing it in the faces of this community. We dont want attention which is why SF was so great for us. noone could care less about us over there. I think we are both mostly embarrassed about it and just dont want the town to make judegements. Most of my friends are 27-35 and his are 55-60, all married. They are uncomfortable hanging out w/ us...his friends more than mine. mine could care less, really. I think maybe his friends are uncomfortable because it makes them worry "if it happend to them it could happent to us" Bleh... don't feel like that. If his W has accepted you, and his sons have... then what does the opinion of a few nosey parkers in the wider community matter..? Is it not possible to make friends as a couple..? People of different ages, etc.
ICallsEmAsISeesEm Posted October 6, 2007 Posted October 6, 2007 She has been very understanding and knows she has a part in this whole affair. Please Help!!!Well, how magnanimous of his ex wife to take 'responsibility' for yours and her geriatric husband's decision to have an affair. Hey, this is what you wanted, right? You got the brass ring. Now, because you're embarrassed that you're with a man whose probably older than your own father, the fact that everyone knows how you 'got together,' PLUS the fact that most people in town are probably calling your boyfriend an 'old fool' (and trust me, they ARE) you want to make him move away from home just so you can avoid the embarrassment of what YOU wanted? You mean, this isn't a happily ever after? Why, I'm shocked.
lovernotafighter Posted October 6, 2007 Posted October 6, 2007 Well, how magnanimous of his ex wife to take 'responsibility' for yours and her geriatric husband's decision to have an affair. Hey, this is what you wanted, right? You got the brass ring. Now, because you're embarrassed that you're with a man whose probably older than your own father, the fact that everyone knows how you 'got together,' PLUS the fact that most people in town are probably calling your boyfriend an 'old fool' (and trust me, they ARE) you want to make him move away from home just so you can avoid the embarrassment of what YOU wanted? You mean, this isn't a happily ever after? Why, I'm shocked. I'm missing where your post is helpful..enlighten me
Lyssa Posted October 6, 2007 Posted October 6, 2007 Heyjodes, It seems everything is going quite well except the part about not having friends. A few posters here have given you really good advice and ideas on how to make new friends. Given time, you will fit in again. Oh and for those who are being just plain nasty, ignore them Heyjodes! All the best!
whichwayisup Posted October 6, 2007 Posted October 6, 2007 Most of my friends are 27-35 and his are 55-60, all married. They are uncomfortable hanging out w/ us...his friends more than mine. mine could care less, really. I think maybe his friends are uncomfortable because it makes them worry "if it happend to them it could happent to us" If they are true friends of his, then they will make the effort to get to know you and not judge you. And him. Are your friends willing to get to know him better?
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