I asked him to stay and pretend while I get back on my feet...

[datingmum]

Guys,

 

I have posted here before regarding my long, confusing, horrible breakup (6 month process so far).

 

I have let myself go from a strong, independent woman/mother of two wonderful daughters with a great job, to someone who can barely function. My home is in tatters after a major refurbishment, my job is suffering badly - so much so I may lose it, my finances have taken a huge hit since he moved out as we'd made plans 'together', etc.

 

After spending a night talking about how to make the relationship work, he stayed over. He made love to me (his initiation), got up in the morning, told me he loved me, left to work. That evening, he called to say he wanted to finish our 'resolution' talks. He broke up with me. Again. For at least the 20th time. I know, I know, it sounds terrible.

 

I have been through so much hardship in my life, serious serious hardship, but this feels the absolute worst so far. My daughters are confused, and young, and I cannot function. I feel suicidal one moment, angry the next. After he told me he wanted to leave, I begged him to please stay and pretend for a while until I could get my house sorted, job back on track (i work from home, so it's easy to just sit all day and be depressed) and could get used to the idea. We don't live together, but I had been living at his during the renovations for the last month, so I crave his company.

 

He agreed to do it, though we both agreed it was probably unhealthy. He held me tight all night, kissing the back of my neck, held me this morning, kissed me when he left. I asked him in the night "if we pretend for long enough, do you think your feelings will change?" he sighed and said "i don't know".

 

He's 31, high earner, etc and doesn't want to spend the next 15 years of his life acting as dad to my children. But he says he loves me very very much. He says he desperately wants it to work, but doesn't believe it can anymore.

 

What the hell should I do? Please don't tell me to go it alone. I really really really feel fragile and on the edge right now.

 

Thank you for anyone reading and replying. I'll be sitting here waiting to hear what anyone has to say, I am desperate to talk.

[datingmum]

Is anyone there?

[Spinderella]

You CAN do this alone. You really can. Sorry but he sounds like a complete selfish jerk. So he doesnt want to be with you because of your kids, yet he will continue to mess with your emotions by giving you confusing signals. You may feel weak, but you are always stronger than you think you are. Take some deep breaths, get centered. You can do this. Tell him to go, you dont want to pretend anymore. You will feel stronger just for making that statement.

[datingmum]

What if it our arguing, relentless fighting, character assasination was driven in large part by me? Out of my insecurities?

 

The one thing I've always wanted was a family, commitment, etc because I had a bad home life when I was young. So, as soon as I get close to someone, I start throwing down the gauntlet. This has been our issue over and over.

 

He moved out 6 months ago and continually asked me for 'space' to decide for himself what he wanted - always felt I was in the lead. Now, he has seized back his control. But I'm not entirely sure he really really really means it.

 

If we can stay together, even albeit pretending, for just a little while, maybe *I* can start to address some of these issues? If I can see him - stopping the panic attacks, anxiety, downward spiral - but know that we will not be together, then perhaps I can start to focus on myself more deeply - rather than just sinking lower and lower, focusing on the negative...

 

Sounds a*s backwards I know, but there is some logic in it.

[Spinderella]

If we can stay together, even albeit pretending, for just a little while, maybe *I* can start to address some of these issues? If I can see him - stopping the panic attacks, anxiety, downward spiral - but know that we will not be together, then perhaps I can start to focus on myself more deeply - rather than just sinking lower and lower, focusing on the negative...

 

Sounds a*s backwards I know, but there is some logic in it.

Not really.

It sounds like fear and not logic.

Where were you at before you were together?

[LucreziaBorgia]

If we can stay together, even albeit pretending, for just a little while, maybe *I* can start to address some of these issues? If I can see him - stopping the panic attacks, anxiety, downward spiral - but know that we will not be together, then perhaps I can start to focus on myself more deeply - rather than just sinking lower and lower, focusing on the negative...

 

You can change yourself all you want, and it will not change him. He wants you as "woman", not as "wife" and certainly not as "mother", and he does not want to deal with or incorporate your past, present and future personal troubles into his own life. Some things could change to help that, but not others - dating a mother is a package deal. It sounds like he is not interested in the package deal, only parts of it: the parts that work for him, not for you.

 

Whether or not you stay with him is a moot point, understand that either way you are on your own. His physical presence will not change the fact that you will be very much alone in this.

[Ssheena]

Datingmum,

 

I semi-remember your posting from before... and I went back and read them over again. I'd suggest you do the same thing. Read what you wrote about him and ask yourself if he has changed?

 

How long are you going to let this go on? It seems like a pretty crummy way to live - kind of in limbo and it seems you are not in control of the situation. If you can't do it for yourself, please, please think about what kind of example you are setting for your daughters.

[datingmum]

Thank you for your reply.

 

I do agree, I do understand HE DOES NOT WANT THE PACKAGE DEAL. I understand. At one time, he did think he wanted it - when he proposed. That has changed. I think he wanted to want it very badly, but he doesn't. He is also very angry that their father gets to 'swan around doing what he likes' and he has to 'pick up the pieces and be their father'. I cemented this by really attacking his character for not having more heart, for not loving them as his own, essentially setting up a situation in which he felt very bad about it and began to rebel against it even more. I was never realistic about what I should expect of his feelings towards the children.

 

 

Regardless, I do understand that at this moment, probably forever, he does not want to settle down. However this could not have happened at a more difficult time. If I can just pretend, just be around him, I will be able to wake up tomorrow and be more productive. I will be able to physically get used to the distance (no intimacy, no kisses, no 'i love yous') will help to hammer home the message and also, allow me to leave it on a good note - rather than the tidal wave of anger and retribution that I felt when cut off from him completely and stuck in this mess. I have a girlfriend coming tomorrow and I am going to wake up and get my house sorted with my girls for her visit tomorrow.

 

I am aware that I may be fully in denial. I sound somewhat like an addict. But I do, at the very least, crave his support and friendship for the moment - we owe one another that.

[Kasan]

Guys,

 

I have posted here before regarding my long, confusing, horrible breakup (6 month process so far).

 

I have let myself go from a strong, independent woman/mother of two wonderful daughters with a great job, to someone who can barely function. My home is in tatters after a major refurbishment, my job is suffering badly - so much so I may lose it, my finances have taken a huge hit since he moved out as we'd made plans 'together', etc.

 

As much as you are hurting right now, you need to find the strength to pull your self together for your kids and most importantly yourself.

 

Losing a job will not make your life any easier, and as bad as you are feeling right now, you need to keep a roof over your heads and food on the table.

 

You were a strong independent woman/mother at one time, and I am sure that you are that same woman underneath. You need to take back your power my dear or you could lose so much more.

 

I agree with LB, you need to hear what this man is saying--he does not want to parent your children....unfortunately kids are part of your package....so why do you keep trying to convince him to stay?

 

You know, there are men out there that will appreciate you and your children. You know this.....

 

I would be getting pretty p*ssed off with myself right about now. I lost my power, I simply gave it away to someone who doesn't appreciate or love me enough.

 

You are torturing yourself by putting yourself through this pain over and over again. Begging and pleading is not changing his feelings.

 

Is there anyway that you could take the girls and go away for a couple of days to let the dust settle without communicating with him? The distance might do you a world of good. I am sure the girls see you hurting, maybe you need to take a break from all the pain. You might even gain some clarity about the situation.

 

You can get through this, you need to get through this for the sake of your kids. Make these girls the focal point of your life right now.

[Spinderella]

I am aware that I may be fully in denial. I sound somewhat like an addict. But I do, at the very least, crave his support and friendship for the moment - we owe one another that.

He is not supporting you, and it will only get worse and not better.

Draw strength from your girlfriends, and above all from yourself. You will re-discover yourself sooner than you think.

[blueladybird]

Dating mum!!!

I know what you are going through..or let me say..I can understand the way you are feeling.

Its hard i know....the truth is men are strong creatures...no amount of pleading and begging would make him stay with you, it may work for a little amount of time, but it would not work for a long time.

I went through a breakup some years ago, it was devasting..he was my life etc. I thought i would never move on....i lived in denial, doing everything i could but he left in the end.

It was horible for me, but i got over it..and now I am glad to say that i look back and thank God for delivering me from bondage.

I am very emotional. like you..i can understand how scared you are of being alone. This man knows he means everything to you, sometimes some men take it for granted, very selfish.i know.

You have to do something about this. As much as it hurts, living in denial is very dangerous..because one day he may just leave you!! what do you do then??

Firsr of all, PLEASE dont lose you job!! pls dont ..it can only make you worse off..plus trust me he would find you less appealing if you were jobeless. Its hard but please stick to your job and work hard.

Now, him. Nothing you can do can change his mind...his decision to stay must come from within. Now you are 'pretending', he is getting on with his life...he is probably getting emotionally detached from you, whilst you are drawing even closer to him, not accepting reality.

I dont know the full story, just what i read on this link but you have 2 children...you may not believe it but a few years from now you may be with someone who loves you and your kids..someone who is willing to take responsibilty. You dont want to be with someone, who really doesnt want to be with you..well the whole packaged. It will BACKFIRE..cos one day he will leave!! men. Or you woudlnt want to get married and one day he walks out on you.....

as much as you dont want to hear this, please start preparing yourself for the worst!That way, you are prepared and if things get better..all well and good.

I know you feel like you want to die sometimes, but this is a man who does not care about you the way you do for him. See, there need to be equality...he needs to genuinely want to be with you and the kids.

You need to make up your mind...start preparing yourself for the worst still be good to him. Dont fight him or pressure him....maybe he may gradually draw 2wards you.....

Its hard i know, but life goes on. please make up your mind, youdeserve better than to be with someone who is only with you because you are beggin him. there is no mutuality....u need to gradually let go.

If you can cope with just being friends, fine..i feel its hard to do so. tHIS IS because, you wil get frustrated as you will inevitably want more.

Pleaseee....gradually accept reality...if you start to appear less desperate, he may actually feel more positively towards you.

What i am saying is, sometimes men dont want to be with someone, whom they know could commit suidice because of them, only if he loves you equally...(im not sayin you should). it may push him away mentally..

Start to act more independent..go to work, look after your kids, stop begging him to stay...stop sleeping with him in your arms...you either face the sorrow now or later..its inevitable.

The only thing you can do now, is make yourself appear better to him...this can only make things better. life is full of ups and downs...

 

give him some space..stop pretending. give him the space..if he is truly yours, he will come back to you.

you need to get your life on track. read online stories, ppl have been through worse. A friend of mine.--..he fiance called off the wedding 7days to it!!! 9 years later,she is remarried.

My mother had a child by a man..who did not marry her. Yet today, she is married with 4 other kids to her husband!!!

Please be strong.....

[blueladybird]

How are you feeling??

have you spoken to him 2day???

[KenzieAbsolutely]

anyone who would agree to "pretend" a relationship is not normal. i would say the same thing about someone who would ASK for a pretend relationship.

 

you say you're worried about your kids, but you're doing anything but putting them first right now. what a messed up situation you are making for you and your family.

 

get away from this guy and start thinking about your kids, for pete's sake. sorry to sound harsh, but you're an adult mother playing house with a jerk. grow up.

[SunnyLady]

Im sorry for the way you are feeling. It muct be hard. I have been in love with someone who loved me, but didnt love me as much as i loved him. My depth of love for him was on a greater scale by a mile and a half. I was willing to accept all his faults and willing to do ANYTHING to make him stay. I lived in denial, tried every bargaining weapon, tried to make him love me and accept me for who i was. But love comes from within. I am going through this break up now. I was a wreck when he left me. But now i am moving on just fine. My sister, friends and God helped me. This website did a lot for me too...simply reading real-expereinces and realising that people go through worse break-ups. Men leave thier wives after 35 years of marraige!!!

I see reason with you wanting to break away gradually. Right now your partner is like a drug...being with him, spending time with him and ultimately your relationship with him is a habbit. (Afterall a habbit occurs when we do something constantly and repeatedly). And we tend to be addicted to our habbits. Be it sleeping, reading, eating, sports what not. You are used to him and very emotionally tied to him. So your fear of not wanting to go cold turkey makes sense emotioanlly and somewhat logically too. Iv been there before. For some it could actaully work--- Getting used to him not being a romantic partner gradually rather than an abrupt change. But for some it may worsen things and may mean they are delaying inevitable.

First and most important, you NEED to get your life back on track. Men love a strong woman... this guy knows how deeply attached to him you are. Right now you need to improve your image to him and to anyone else. Do not put your job at stake, as you said he is a successful man isnt this one of the qualities that attrcat you to him? You mentioned that you used to be strong and independent. Surely these traits of yours must have drawn him to you in the first place.

Also you need to bear in mind that anything could happen. You need to build yourself up mentally. You have kids who are your responsibilty. God forbid that a man should make you start regretting your kids, your life and who are are. Breakups are hard!!! I know this. But you need to accept that right now this man does not feel as much as you feel for him. If he did he would be willing to accept you without the need to coninvince him.

You need to begin to see yourself as an independent woman. No one is brought into this world with another (exlcuing identical twins etc). You did not come into the world with this man so you CAN live without him. You can live a happy life without him. Fill your mins with positive thoughts of that nature. If he can live without you, you can live without him. I know how hard this must be for you but i tell you these things beacaue i know so. I have freinds who have been left by their husbands and gained even better and fully devoted men. My mother herself had a child before she got married (for another man).But she got married to my father and they have been togther for decades upon decades. If it is meant to be, it will surely be! But you need to know that he will be with you only if he wants to be. There is a limit to what you can do in a bid to gain him back.

You need to start moving on with your life beacuse that way you can not go wrong. My fear for you is that with you pretending to be in a relationship with him, you might begin to want more and hurt yourself more. If you begin to re-gain your life and your strength (as hard as it will be) he will either 1) Move on with his life which means he wasnt for you anyway and you will find the man who is ready to accept you for who you are an your kids as well. 2) He will realise he wasnt to be with you in time...it may take time but he may realise and come back for you. If at this stage your life is back on trcak you will be in a better positon to make a choice and realise that MUTUALITY and COMPROMSIE are the basis for any strong relationship.

So you need to begin the hard and painful step of regarding the relationship as over and done with. Fear of being single is very tough. I have that same particualr fear but life now as a single lady knowing the right one will come in time is not that bad. Trust me on this.

About your tantrums...well no one is perfect. If its a very distinct trait of yours then work on it. But im aware that we women tend to exaggerate certain faults when going through a break up. If you belive this man left you beacsue of your traits try to better yourself... and maybe he will see the change. But better yourself for YOURSELF not in a bid to win hi back. But i personally believe that if love is supposed to unconditional. I have a friend who is with a guy who adores her. This lady was rejected by so many and she had some distinct unpleasant traits. But he accpted her and was there for her, helped her go through her past problems thats she had been battling with and now he is reaping the fruits of his love, care and patience. She is a much better person than she used to be. But it takes a dedicated man to do that.

Ok this post is getting too long :-). My heart goes with you. Let us know how things are going. BE STRONG!!! And try not to re-gain your independent status. It can never go wrong that way!! Let him go... if he is yours he WILL come back to you. If he doesnt, then he never was your anyway. And you will met a man who is reday to be as devoted and comitted as you are. Everyone deserves to be loved. Every woman desreves to be loved.

[SunnyLady]

Sorry there were some typogrphical errors... corrections are as follows.

 

***try to re-gain your independent status back.

 

 

***He may realise he *wants you and come back for you in time.

[SunnyLady]

Just reda through my post...soo many typos!! Toomany to correct. Bear with me and do cheer up!!:cool:

[datingmum]

Hello people.

 

I really thank you for your replies. Yes, I am a grownup playing house with a jerk - in a sense. But the fact that he does not want to be with me in that way and raise my children does not mean that he is a jerk. This has not been an easy conclusion for him, either. He is also in pain and feeling terrible. I take your point regarding the fact that I am behaving immaturely re: my pain, spiralling out of control etc, but let me ask you this for a moment...if I were diagnosed with having depression or some similar disorder, would you still tell me to 'grow up'. As far as I know, as far as I feel, I actually felt that if I was to be on my own in this moment, I would sink. I know this. I've been going through it for 6 months. So, is it not in my better interest to be honest with him and say " I need you as a friend, to stand by my side and please be around me until I can get myself in order and on my feet again?" Is it not in my children's best interest to have a mother who is stable, even in the short term?

 

Tonight, so far, we have had dinner with the girls, talked to them about our days (all of which was nice and positive) and now we're going to watch some TV. I'm not sure how *I'll* feel tomorrow, but I'm going to try and use this evening as a jumping point for my day tomorrow. He has let us come and stay at his house as mine is a wreck at the moment due to building work. Tomorrow, I will wake up early and I will go to mine and commence working on it, to make it me and my girls' home again.

 

 

Please wish me luck that I use this 'safe' time well, that I do not fixate on the relationship. I know that there is probably someone else out there who will love me and appreciate my whole package. He does love my girls, but it's the whole 'being a dad forever' thing, somewhat akin to 'oh my god, i don't want to get married - one person for the rest of my life!!!!' sort of fear. Irrespective, the vacillation between being together and not is most certainly detrimental for me.

 

I've reread my own posts and it's really been going on for quite a while now. My theory always was: once he commits, he'll be fine. But in reality, that wasn't true for us. The issues were much deeper. he even went to counselling for them...pity she was such a crap counsellor.

 

Anyways, I guess I'm both asking for advice and chronicalling what is happening to me for people to read and hopefully learn from in the future - more than likely what NOT to do.

 

Thank you all for your company. Thank you for being here with me. I will remember you all as I'm sitting here on the sofa tonight. I am trying my best to think of all the great things in my life, and how I WILL find someone who appreciates me, but most importantly, I am trying to recite, like a mantra, all of the things that I like about myself.

 

I will report back...

[blueladybird]

Good good...

 

i guess he is not a jerk..its wrong to just categorise all guys as jerks.....

 

its tough....see how things go..dont do anything abruptly..dont end anything..just see how things go. whilst at the same time TRY, to withdraw gradually..its hard i know.

 

keep in touch

[Kasan]

Please wish me luck that I use this 'safe' time well, that I do not fixate on the relationship. I know that there is probably someone else out there who will love me and appreciate my whole package. He does love my girls, but it's the whole 'being a dad forever' thing, somewhat akin to 'oh my god, i don't want to get married - one person for the rest of my life!!!!' sort of fear. Irrespective, the vacillation between being together and not is most certainly detrimental for me.

 

I will report back...

 

 

I don't think that you will need any luck....you sound like you are starting to find your strength and power. One day at a time!

 

Please report back and let us know how you are doing.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

Hello people.

 

Yes, I am a grownup playing house with a jerk - in a sense. But the fact that he does not want to be with me in that way and raise my children does not mean that he is a jerk. This has not been an easy conclusion for him, either. He is also in pain and feeling terrible. I take your point regarding the fact that I am behaving immaturely re: my pain, spiralling out of control etc, but let me ask you this for a moment...if I were diagnosed with having depression or some similar disorder, would you still tell me to 'grow up'. As far as I know, as far as I feel, I actually felt that if I was to be on my own in this moment, I would sink. I know this. I've been going through it for 6 months. So, is it not in my better interest to be honest with him and say " I need you as a friend, to stand by my side and please be around me until I can get myself in order and on my feet again?" Is it not in my children's best interest to have a mother who is stable, even in the short term?

 

 

Thank you all for your company. Thank you for being here with me. I will remember you all as I'm sitting here on the sofa tonight. I am trying my best to think of all the great things in my life, and how I WILL find someone who appreciates me, but most importantly, I am trying to recite, like a mantra, all of the things that I like about myself.

 

I will report back...

 

*answering the bold parts in order, hope it's not confusing.

 

no, that doesn't make him a jerk. what makes him a jerk is agreeing to play along with your silly game. you think your kids understand what he's doing? no, they don't. and it will be painful for them when he goes for good.

 

 

yes, i would still tell you to grow up, and i would also tell you get some help. real help, not pretend-boyfriend help.

 

yes, it is in your best interest and your kids' best interest for you to be stable. depending on this make-believe relationship situation isn't any better than using alcohol or drugs to make you feel you can temporarily get through something.

 

 

this last part is great! i hope you are feelig this way and doing these things! but none of these things will happen if you cling this fake relationship going.

[blueladybird]

Datingmum, how are you doing??

[Darkzen]

I think she asked for a "pretend relationship", because she hopes he'll change his mind during this time. The problem with the concept is that you have to be open/honest. Ask him if he's willing to try counseling, to work out your problems. Most relationships need a third person perspective when there's problems that normal communication is having trouble fixing. It sounds like he's willing to put the effort in, so it may not be too late to salvage things with hard work and a little outside help.

 

My ex didn't even want to try... although I'm sure it's because she didn't leave for the reasons she told me. Having an objective person point this out to her, would make it harder for her to delude herself, into being justified in her decision. Either way, I doubt she really would care anyways... I lost my usefulness to her and she moved on to greener pastures.

 

Got a little off track there, I was merely trying to say that it's a good sign that he hasn't just taken off and moved on. It means he still wants things to work out, he just doesn't know how to go about it. I suggest that you go to a counselor and try to communicate things better... but you both have to be open/honest and have a willingness to try.

[SunnyLady]

Hi!! I'm glad you are getting stronger! It made me smile just reading your post, albeit i have my own problems i am facing.

 

Poeple tend to UNDERESTIMATE matters of the heart, which is a very wrong approach. A failed relationship can have any effect on a person, an extremely damaging effect on a person's well-being. People even commit suicide (as far fetched as that sounds)during tough times. So with these issues one has to tread carefully. Do ALL you need to do to get your feet back on track. Even if it entails seemingly bizzare methods. It may well work for you!!

 

Evidently he cares about you a lot. I say this because some men may have walked out without giving a toss how the woman felt. Your partner is exhibiting an element of willingness which is very positive. It shows he has you at heart. I can understand his fear for getting married. The brutal truth is not every man is cut out for a family life, sad but true. I guess we can't blame some men for having this inherent fear of full time commitemnt, certainly does not imply he is a jerk.

 

See how things go... hold yourself up. Gain from his support...at the same time build yourself up, And take good care of your kids.

 

Do keep us posted...let us know how things progress. We will be here.

[hot123]

Thank you for your reply.

 

I do agree, I do understand HE DOES NOT WANT THE PACKAGE DEAL. I understand. At one time, he did think he wanted it - when he proposed. That has changed. I think he wanted to want it very badly, but he doesn't. He is also very angry that their father gets to 'swan around doing what he likes' and he has to 'pick up the pieces and be their father'. I cemented this by really attacking his character for not having more heart, for not loving them as his own, essentially setting up a situation in which he felt very bad about it and began to rebel against it even more. I was never realistic about what I should expect of his feelings towards the children.

 

 

Regardless, I do understand that at this moment, probably forever, he does not want to settle down. However this could not have happened at a more difficult time. If I can just pretend, just be around him, I will be able to wake up tomorrow and be more productive. I will be able to physically get used to the distance (no intimacy, no kisses, no 'i love yous') will help to hammer home the message and also, allow me to leave it on a good note - rather than the tidal wave of anger and retribution that I felt when cut off from him completely and stuck in this mess. I have a girlfriend coming tomorrow and I am going to wake up and get my house sorted with my girls for her visit tomorrow.

 

I am aware that I may be fully in denial. I sound somewhat like an addict. But I do, at the very least, crave his support and friendship for the moment - we owe one another that.

And why you have a man in your life who feels that way about your children is way beyond me...rings a bit of susan smith to me.....men break our hearts they are also a dime a dozen...your children however are NOT OPTIONAL!

[datingmum]

 

Thanks 'hot123' for your breadth of vision and depth of wisdom.

 

He doesn't walk around 'hating' my children, he's very kind to them actually. He is not a monster because he doesn't want to be family guy. He is just a bit of a wimp for taking so long to figure it out and really really hurting me and the girls in the process.

 

But, having him around did help me get myself together over the weekend until my girlfriends could come to hang out with me.