julkat Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 Hi Everyone, When I think about my life, answers seem easy. Implementing the changes that fall from all of this seems so hard. Last summer my husband confessed to me that he is a crack addict and has been for all but 5 years during our 20 year marriage. He is also a functional alcoholic, and I thought the 3 day absences were alcoholic binges (still not ok with me). We have two daughters, a bunch of businesses, and live in a small town. We have been separated for almost 4 weeks. I am living in our home, and he is living in a motorhome in a parking lot near his work approx. 2 hours away. He called a week ago and said he is coming to our home this weekend and staying in our garage (we have an adult playroom with a bar, pool table, big screen TV, etc. on the top floor of our garage). I told him tha the couldn't do this, as I didn't want to be exposed to the heavy drinking and I don't want him near me and the kids. He can be verbally abusive, scary and angry. His whole family lives on the road, and his father is dying. I feel badly keeping him away, but I can't keep up with his craziness (taking money from the accounts, etc.) I've suggsted he attend counselling, and kicked him out earlier this year too and told him he couldn't come back unless he was getting help for his addictions. He says he doesn't want to be separated and divorced from me, and that he loves me. But love isn't enough anymore, and I'm not sure about how I feel about him. I care about him, and that's all I know. I'm so tired of all of the crap. I've been to counselling, and it was helpful in that I was able to see how I've made excuses for his behaviour and it's not doing me any good, and now I need to take care of me. We haven't had sex in years, don't play together, I go to weddings and funerals and everything alone. I feel like he checked out years ago, and I'm finally getting it! I thought we would stay married forever. I've worked really hard for this marriage. I feel cheated and angry, but also somewhat resigned. I am not sure what I'm looking for here, except perhaps just some support to keep me strong in this path I've chosen. I don't feel that I can talk with my "friends" as many of them are also clients. I live in a really small town and word of our separation will spread like wildfire. I don't know where all of this is going and don't feel like answering their questions. Anyway, have a great day.
sb129 Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 First of all, sorry to hear of the pain and deception you have been a victim of for the past 20 years. It sounds like the fog is lifting for you though, and you are finally seeing through the lies, which is the first step to healing, so thats great. When I read stories like this is never ceases to amaze me the lengths addicts will go to to conceal their habits- and the signs that their partners repeatedly ignore. You live in a small town (I know how they work) and have been married to the man for 20 years, yet you have only just been told about his crack addiction, and faced up to the fact that his drinking is also out of control. Do you think that there were warning signs over the years that you turned a blind eye to, or were you truly in the dark? Do you think other people may have known for longer than you? How does one buy crack in a small town and remain anonymous? You sound like a brave and strong woman, and you are doing the right thing by limiting contact with your H. I would strongly advise seeing a solicitor as soon as possible to start divorce proceedings, or at the very least work out where you stand with regards to the joint businesses, as it doesn't sound like your H can be trusted at the moment. Addicts are notoriously selfish, and unfortunately for your H, it sounds like he still isn't ready to give up his addictions for anybody. Sometimes they need to hit rock bottom to get out of the downward spiral, but the only person who can help him now is HIM. You can't fix him. You need to focus on yourself and your daughters, and make arrangements to keep yourself financially stable. I know alot of this sounds harsh, but the addiction is your Hs first love, and it has killed any love that you may have had for him- its time to move on, focus on you, and hope that he has the strength to pull himself out of this mess- for his sake. Good luck, and please keep posting. You ARE doing the right thing.
Author julkat Posted October 5, 2007 Author Posted October 5, 2007 Thanks for your response. My husband works out of town and comes home on weekends. We have been doing this our entire marriage. There are months when he is home (winter), but mostly he has been gone. Therefore, I didn't see the crack addiction at all. I was truly stunned by this. I dont know where he got the money from either, since I handle all of the family finances. As for the drinking, I have been completely aware of this problem. I guess I justified it because I didn't want this to be a reason for separating. I kept thinking that he would eventually grow up (he's now 51). I kept thinking that I could manage this - keep it away from the kids, try to keep him from drinking and driving, try not to upset him, blah blah blah. I've been such an idiot. I grew up with alcoholics - I should know better. Anyway, I'm tired out by the drinking and the problems it causes, I'm angry about the drug use, I'm tired of being alone, I'm tired of hiding out, staying home, not inviting friends over, etc. He has worn me out and I've let him. I've been the doormat. Thank you for your comment about my strength. Peope always tell me I'm strong, smart, fun. It feels good to hear it but can be hard to believe when I think about the secrets I've been keeping. So I recently decided to fake it until I make it. I'm going to a co-worker's for dinner and a movie on Saturday night, and this is something I never do - I always wait for my husband to come home and hope that he'll spend some time with me (although it's rarely sober time). My teenaged daughters are supportive of my decision, although it's not what they thought their home life would turn out to be either. But they see how absent he is, and he's disappointed them many times too. So, today is another day, and I'll make it as good a day as I can. You too!
Gunny376 Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 You Rock! You're doing the right thing! Drugs! Just say NO! You're doing and saying the right thing for your children! YOU know what the right thing is! JUST do the right thing!
sb129 Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 Its time for you to give yourself a break. This may sound shallow, but why not treat yourself to a new haircut and outfit for your dinner on Saturday night? Although it won't fix things, it will give you a confidence boost, and you need to do everything you can for yourself at this time. Your husband has been siphoning off money for years- you deserve at least a day of pampering and shopping. You are doing absolutely the right thing by getting on with your life. Do those things you have always wanted to do, but your husbands addictions and destructive behaviour haven't allowed for until now. Your life hasn't ended, some might say that it has just begun.... Much admiration for you- hold your head up high and don't give up, you are doing great.
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