Lost-and-empty Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 Me and my fiancee have been together for a year and a half. When we met, I had just come out of quite a serious depression regarding my skin. There was nothing wrong with it, and I was suffering with OCD and BDD, thinking my skin was terrible when it wasn't. It was all in my head and when I got cured, I found some more confidence, but was still far from being my normal self. I met Chloe soon after and although initially I wasn't blown away, we saw each other a lot and eventually ended up going out. At the time I lived at home, but in a separate flat to the main house, so Chloe moved in and we haven't spent a moment apart since. We've been on numerous holidays together and lived out of each other's pockets since day one. In January this year, we went to Hawaii, and whilst there, I proposed to Chloe. At the time, I'd never felt more happy with anyone and it just felt right. When we got back, we bought our own place and moved in, and we've been living here for 6 months. Recently however, things have started to turn sour. Basically, a girl at my workplace started. She is stunning, and is someone I would never have even entertained the idea of being able to get with anyway. Anyway, after a month or so of her working there, and a few work drinks etc, it became clear she liked me. I had never made any move for her obviously, because I could never cheat on anyone and although I found her attractive, the thought never entered my head. Anyway, since she told me she liked me my head started playing games on me. I started to think stupid, ego-tistical man thoughts like "Wow, she's incredible, funny and really hot, could i do better than who I'm with?" and that sort of thing. I started to realise all the faults that were in my relationship with Chloe. We never went out and got drunk together or had fun at friends parties.. always making excuses to get home early. I never understood this and still dont. I always used to love going out and drinking and dancing, yet feel uncomfortable doing so with Chloe. She has a few issues with her body/confidence, and they were so so similar to mine, ie all in her head. I always told her to speak to someone about it but she never was able to. This affected s*x obviously too, because she never initiated it with me, I was always the one to start it, and I suppose, subconciously, that made me feel a littl eunwanted/unattractive, and put me off s*x altogether at some points. We also had become very different. I have lots of hobbies, I play a lot of sports and also tend to go and see my friends a lot, whereas Chloe either watches TV or reads a magazine. If I then go to watch TV, she says she's bored and I have to try and entertain her. Anyway, nothing happened with work girl, but she still likes me. We all went out at work and would drink and dance and it made me realise how much I used to love doing things like that before my depression etc. I feel I have grown so much more recently, back to my old self, which is too much for Chloe, and they type of person she is at the moment. Anyway.. I mentioned that I didn't feel right any more to Chloe before our engagement party. I said things were wrong and I felt different, and maybe we should delay the party. Chloe didn't want to, so we carried on with it. Then, about 2 weeks after the party, things got bad and I said we needed time apart. I love her so much, so so much in fact, but I really feel the spark has gone. Whether this is down to her issues putting a strain on us, or my eyes getting opened by someone at work, I don't know, but I know I feel frustrated around her sometimes, and certainly can't see this as being a "for the rest of our lives" situation. We decided to have some time apart, but then, within 48 hours, I thought I'd made the biggest mistake of my life. I went back to her and we promised we would try and change things. She joined a gym to feel more confident about herself, and would try and make more of an effort in the bedroom. We'd try and go out and do more fun things with each other, and we booked a holiday to Oz to get some sun and get away from it all. All of this lasted for a week or so, but then seemed to dry out again. I dont think the gym is the answer to her issues. She loved going and felt better for it, but the issue was in her head, not with her body. Anyway, the night before our holiday I was really down and she knew it. We argued all night and eneded up not going abroad, losing £1300 in the process on tickets. I told her we needed space and I needed to work out what I want, as I didn't love her the way I should and the way she deserved. THat's where I am now. It's been three days and I can't decide whether ending it is the right thing to do or whether this could work. I have the constant disctraction of what "I could get" at work all the time, staring me in the face, which just acts as a reminder of what's wrong with my own relationship. Chloe has gone straight out and is now seeing a counsellor about her issues. I am so happy for her that she's doing it, but I'm not sure at this stage it's enough to save us. I know she is doing everything she can, and that she wants this to work and loves me more than ever, but I can't stay with someone just because I don't want to hurt them. Can we get over our issues about going out together and drinking and dancing? Should i give this yet another chance only to end up going through all this again? I am being so unfair to her to keep going back then ending it then going back.. and it's killing me too. I love her, I miss her and I feel phycially sick at the prospect of telling her I can't go out anymore, but is that just fear and remorse/regret or is it that I do infact still love her how she deserves to be loved. Can anyone help me?
confusingsituation Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 Hi I myself am in a very similar situation but from the womans side. Let me just tell you that what you are putting her through its absolutely horrible. I understand what it is like to love someone so much but have them break-up with you to run back and ultimately just confuse you more. Having them tell you they love you so much and then run away is a real head trip. While she may have issues as her fiance you have made an impending committment to support this woman. That means you need to be there for her through the good and the bad. If you dont think that you can put up with Chloe not wanting to go out and dance and drink with you all the time and if you cant get this other woman out of your head then you dont really sound like you are ready for a mature committed relationship and no offence I think that she deserves to be treated better. However that said if you really do love this woman as much as you say you do - and from all the signs missing her, feeling sick without her etc it sounds like you do.....then you owe eachother a shot at fixing it. i wouldnt give up so easily on a woman you so recently decided to spend the rest of your life with....
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