L.Warm Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 i don't where to start. firts of all, i lurked around for a while then now that i am comfy, i decided to post. i don't know if this is the right forum to be in. i'm not ow but my husband has one. he lied and cheated on me. it happened a few years ago. i thot it would have been over. i thot wrong. when i found out he cheated on me, i attacked him. deep down inside i know i am partly to be blamed. i was always too tired to fulfill his needs and desires. even to go out watch a movie with him seemed like a task for me. so i got paranoid. i got scared. i told him i wouldn't let him see the kids. i lied. i will not do that but i don't want him to leave again. i love him too much. he is not happy. we are unhappy but i can't like the idea of not having him around. he earns good money, i don't. did i do the wrong thing? i think i need answers. from anyone.
frannie Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 Hello. I'm not sure what you're asking..? Your H is still cheating with someone..? You want to sort out your marriage..? You want to find out if he's cheating still..?
Author L.Warm Posted October 5, 2007 Author Posted October 5, 2007 heloo. i think he is maybe he is not. he has been home alot. sometimes he comes home later then usual but i am scared of questioning him becsuae i don't really wnat to know the answer. yes, i want to find out about if he is cheating or not. he has locked his phone. never did thta before. i wonder about his mistress. he doesn't talk to me lke he used to after i told him i would tell everyone abot his affair. i even told our kids he's a bad person. i don't mean it. i am just scard.
Cinabon Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 I am confused as to what you are asking? OR the advice you are seeking. I think you need to be a little more specific. If you dont mind.
Cobra_X30 Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 heloo. i think he is maybe he is not. he has been home alot. sometimes he comes home later then usual but i am scared of questioning him becsuae i don't really wnat to know the answer. yes, i want to find out about if he is cheating or not. he has locked his phone. never did thta before. i wonder about his mistress. he doesn't talk to me lke he used to after i told him i would tell everyone abot his affair. i even told our kids he's a bad person. i don't mean it. i am just scard. It would seem to me that he was cheating before right? So it wouldnt be that far of a stretch to assume he is cheating again. Why do you think he cheated on you the first time? Did he seem happy in the marriage?
jj2007 Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 i don't where to start. firts of all, i lurked around for a while then now that i am comfy, i decided to post. i don't know if this is the right forum to be in. i'm not ow but my husband has one. he lied and cheated on me. it happened a few years ago. i thot it would have been over. i thot wrong. when i found out he cheated on me, i attacked him. deep down inside i know i am partly to be blamed. i was always too tired to fulfill his needs and desires. even to go out watch a movie with him seemed like a task for me. so i got paranoid. i got scared. i told him i wouldn't let him see the kids. i lied. i will not do that but i don't want him to leave again. i love him too much. he is not happy. we are unhappy but i can't like the idea of not having him around. he earns good money, i don't. did i do the wrong thing? i think i need answers. from anyone. You may have went about some things the wrong way but it is not your fault that he cheated. You all have to communicate with each other if you want it to work. Have you guys tried marriage counseling? If you think he is cheating ask to see his phone. He should have nothing to hide if he's not doing anything wrong right? I hope this helps. You will have to be a little more direct in your questions and you will probably get more responses. Also, try posting in the infidelity forum too. Good luck!
Author L.Warm Posted October 5, 2007 Author Posted October 5, 2007 i think he cheatd because i haven't been myself for quite some time. i was more busy with my freinds. going out with them shopping. then i started a new hobby. painting and i was quite into it then i got bored and stopped. he was always busy. has always been. he owns an advertising co which is making good money and we were happy. then i didn't have time for him after we had kids. we didn't have sex as oftne. he would come to me and tease me, try to get me into the mood but my libido hasn't been that great. so i think that has something to do with him cheating. i pushed him away.
CAT100 Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 but i am scared of questioning him becsuae i don't really wnat to know the answer. yes, i want to find out about if he is cheating or not. he has locked his phone. never did thta before. Ok so you dont question him because you dont want to know the answer but you do want to know if he is cheating? Sorry, am not being rude, just trying to clarify. If he has cheated in the past then he HAS to understand that you might want to check his phone occasionally! Thats normal in my opinion. I am not a BS but I would think one of the conditions of a BS forgiving their H is that it will not happen again & that their H must be 'transparent' regards whereabouts, phone, email etc. How long was his previous affair? Was he in love with the OW or was it just fling? Does she know about you- I mean some MM say they are seperated etc? Did you ever speak to her? And do you think he is now still in the A with the same OW as before? You need to have a big talk with him I think, & tell him in order to regain your trust he has to do whatever it takes to reassure you. And that includes letting you look at his phone whenever you want. If he is not willing to do this then he is hiding something. I agree with others that counselling would be a good idea
Cobra_X30 Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 i think he cheatd because i haven't been myself for quite some time. i was more busy with my freinds. going out with them shopping. then i started a new hobby. painting and i was quite into it then i got bored and stopped. he was always busy. has always been. he owns an advertising co which is making good money and we were happy. then i didn't have time for him after we had kids. we didn't have sex as oftne. he would come to me and tease me, try to get me into the mood but my libido hasn't been that great. so i think that has something to do with him cheating. i pushed him away. Have you talked to him about any of this?
Mino Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 Gee , so you are one of those bs who keep unhappy husband at home, holding the kids over his head. HHMM, so he is staying because he loves his kids? Then your unhappy cause he continues his A with ow. Sweetie, let him go, find your happiness, you cant make anybody love you with blackmail. you have him phsically there, but not emotionally, You derserve better, a partner who loves you...
Mino Posted October 6, 2007 Posted October 6, 2007 How about get a job, get a good lawyer, make a fresh start, and set yourself and him free. That way you both have a chance at happiness. And set up a plan where you both can still be parenting. Life is too short to be unhappy, and the other person unhappy. Do not use the kids to keep him there. thats just plain wrong
Author L.Warm Posted October 6, 2007 Author Posted October 6, 2007 i haven't talked to him about it. i don' know if i want to. how is it wrong to keep him with me and our kids?? our kids need their father! i am not blackmailing him..... i just want to do whats right for our kids and me. i haven't seen his mistress but i want to meet her and tell her she has ruined my family. she's taking the man i love away from me. is it my fault that my sex libido is low now? he stopped initiating, he gives up easily.... my fault?
Mino Posted October 6, 2007 Posted October 6, 2007 of coarse its not your fault, but why keep torturing both if one wants out? You can only postpone it so long......He is continuing the affair, showing no respect for you. Show he just does not care anymore. We dont live in a perfect world, and people DO fall out of love
Mino Posted October 6, 2007 Posted October 6, 2007 Can you call her? I think I would, find out if she would be willing to talk. I know if my mm W called , I would be honest with her
norajane Posted October 6, 2007 Posted October 6, 2007 Interesting. A BS who 'drives' her H to cheat: unhappy marriage, too tired to fill his needs and go out with him...yet, she has plenty of energy and drive to go out with her friends and take up hobbies like painting, had kids then everything changed, loss of interest in sex and refusing her H's advances. When she finds out about the H's cheating, she threatens him with not seeing their kids in order to keep H by her side, but really, only wants him because he earns a good living. Even more interesting, BS 'admits' she's partly to blame for her husband's affair, and doesn't really seem to be angry with him. In fact, she doesn't want to question H because she doesn't really want to 'know' if he's still cheating. And she blames the OW for her H's cheating. But not her H, not so much. Even more interesting, not a single capital letter can be found in her posts, but her very short name, L. Warm, has two. I'm a little lukewarm on giving advice here, since she's not really asking for any, and I'm wondering why she posted in the OW forum and not Infidelity, and I'm not really sure someone isn't trying to, er, prove some kind of point about BS's. I could be wrong, of course. It's just all the BS cliches make it all seem a little too pat.
whichwayisup Posted October 6, 2007 Posted October 6, 2007 Don't bother contacting her, she won't care. IF she did care, she wouldn't have had the affair with him to begin with. All that will do is piss you off more. Stop blaming yourself for his stupid choice to cheat on you! Whatever problems in the marriage were his and yours together. He could have talked to you, offered to go to marriage counselling, but no, he chose to cheat. THAT WAS HIS CHOICE, not your fault. What you can do though is, get a full physical and find out why your sex drive is so low. When he comes back (if you're willing to give him a second chance) you two GO to marriage counselling and work your butts off, give it your best. Yes, this other woman has his attention right now, but remember, he has a history with you. He has your children, the ones you two created together. You have the ring on your finger, you married him, said vows, have family and friends...A life. The OW has his lust and desire, but that isn't long lasting love...Something inside of HIM is/was missing, so the OW is filling in a need that was missing. If he ends it, are you willing to take him back? You both also need to go to one on one counselling, work through the anger, betrayal and deal with the fallout of his affair. The OW has to disappear from his life forever, no contact at all IF your marriage is going to have a chance of being fixed properly. You need to try harder to meet his needs and he has to do the same for you. Remember what it was that brought you two together in the first place, try to recapture that again.
Mino Posted October 6, 2007 Posted October 6, 2007 I dont think I would approach her like that, she will shut down. But you can find out what her feelings are, If she loves him or not.
kymberann Posted October 6, 2007 Posted October 6, 2007 I think the only one you have to rely on and get answers is your H. You wont be at ease until you do.
Author L.Warm Posted October 6, 2007 Author Posted October 6, 2007 thank you for responding. so it is not a good idea to approach her? what if i feel like it will help me? i have been thinking about going to therapy but i would like to work it out by ourselves first. by the way... one of the responders said i should be writing this on infedelity but i write here to know what others have to say. i have friends who husbdans have cheated on them but their advices are just from their point. i dont see anything wrong in wanting more opinions and suggestions. i thnka those who have been giving me good ones.
OWoman Posted October 6, 2007 Posted October 6, 2007 I'm not really sure someone isn't trying to, er, prove some kind of point about BS's. I could be wrong, of course. It's just all the BS cliches make it all seem a little too pat. <off topic> so, NJ, "Lizzie" is also just some construct by BWs to prove some kind of point about OW? Often, the reason stereotypes tend to stick around is that they resonate. </off topic>
passionateconfusion Posted October 6, 2007 Posted October 6, 2007 i haven't seen his mistress but i want to meet her and tell her she has ruined my family. she's taking the man i love away from me. is it my fault that my sex libido is low now? he stopped initiating, he gives up easily.... my fault? I'm sorry but she is not the one to blame, he is. He is the one that is ruining your family, she is not taking someone that doesn't want to be taken...
whichwayisup Posted October 6, 2007 Posted October 6, 2007 I'm sorry but she is not the one to blame, he is. He is the one that is ruining your family, she is not taking someone that doesn't want to be taken... She is accountable and responsible for her actions as the OW. She knows he's married and has chosen to go into the affair with her eyes open. THAT makes her accountable. She is not an innocent bystander! Ofcourse her own husband is the one cheating but if he didn't have the OW who said YES to him, he wouldn't be having the affair.
CAT100 Posted October 6, 2007 Posted October 6, 2007 ^ No if it wasnt that particular OW that said yes to him, he would have picked up someone else! Also we do not know what he has told OW, he may have said he was separated or whatever.
passionateconfusion Posted October 6, 2007 Posted October 6, 2007 She is accountable and responsible for her actions as the OW. She knows he's married and has chosen to go into the affair with her eyes open. THAT makes her accountable. She is not an innocent bystander! Ofcourse her own husband is the one cheating but if he didn't have the OW who said YES to him, he wouldn't be having the affair. If she is a single woman than she can do whatever she wants to do - she is single. The accountability is on him, it is his choice in the same way as it is his family and his wife.
OWoman Posted October 6, 2007 Posted October 6, 2007 ^ No if it wasnt that particular OW that said yes to him, he would have picked up someone else! And possibly had to pay for it - which may be worse in the BWs eyes. But aren't we back to the other thread here?
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