beachlover Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 I am so confused with this guy. I am used to meeting guys going on a few dates and then being in a relationship, but he is not like that. If I try and write a paragraph about all of this it would be really long, so here are the highlights: -I met him a year ago (we were both taken at the time) -I broke up with my bf last fall, he broke up with his gf in June -We started hanging out a lot a few months ago (dinner, drinks, staying the night, etc) but he didn't want to be in a relationship because he was just out of a relationship -My family lives 6 hours away from where we live, I had to go home a few weeks ago because a family member was in the hospital. He made a spur of the moment trip to my hometown and ended up meeting my entire family and staying at my mom's house (on the couch because I have overprotective parents). -After we got back from my home town we had a long talk about us. He said that he didn't want to call me his girlfriend because he is afraid that he would just cheat on me. He cheated on his last girlfriend, which I have known about since the beginning. -I am happy with how things are with us right now, I don't need the "girlfriend" title to be happy Is it strange to have a guy drive that far when you aren't even together and meet your family? Why would he think he would cheat on me if I was his girlfriend... all that would change from right now is the title. Maybe I am over thinking all of this because I am not used to guys not wanting a relationship?
oppath Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 Maybe I am over thinking all of this because I am not used to guys not wanting a relationship? You have the opposite problem as many women on LS . When he says he doesn't want to cheat on you, what he means is that if you are his girlfriend, he can't go on a date or kiss or have sex with another girl, because then it would be cheating. He wants the option of being able to do that if it materializes. So basically, at this point, he does not want your relationship to progress. If you are going on dates, it's not a friends with benefits relationship, it is just dating. He may not be actively pursuing anyone else, but if someone were to fall into his lap, he wants the option to have his pants off when it happens.
Author beachlover Posted October 5, 2007 Author Posted October 5, 2007 You have the opposite problem as many women on LS . When he says he doesn't want to cheat on you, what he means is that if you are his girlfriend, he can't go on a date or kiss or have sex with another girl, because then it would be cheating. He wants the option of being able to do that if it materializes. So basically, at this point, he does not want your relationship to progress. If you are going on dates, it's not a friends with benefits relationship, it is just dating. He may not be actively pursuing anyone else, but if someone were to fall into his lap, he wants the option to have his pants off when it happens. I get that, but he has asked me not to have sex with anyone else, and I told him that if I can't then he can't either and he agreed. It doesn't make sense to me.
oppath Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 I get that, but he has asked me not to have sex with anyone else, and I told him that if I can't then he can't either and he agreed. It doesn't make sense to me. Me neither. I can understand not wanting the title and the pressure, but the cheating comment is odd.
fray718 Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 Maybe he's just one of those ppl who cant control themselves and just cant help but cheat. He's scared that he might do that and if u were to be his official gf and he did that, then he'd feel alot worse than if you were just someone he's 'seeing'. He is scared to feel the way he felt when he cheated on his last gf and doesnt want u to get hurt like his last gf got hurt. This is just one theory though. Who knows what the real truth is. But whatever it is, you should prob stop seeing him because he obviously has issues with cheating and you dont want to get hurt in the end. Find someone who is a bit more emotionally healthy and available and actually WANT a relationship.
Author beachlover Posted October 6, 2007 Author Posted October 6, 2007 Me neither. I can understand not wanting the title and the pressure, but the cheating comment is odd. I completely understand not wanting the pressure but I can't figure out what to do with the cheating comment. Maybe he's just one of those ppl who cant control themselves and just cant help but cheat. He's scared that he might do that and if u were to be his official gf and he did that, then he'd feel alot worse than if you were just someone he's 'seeing'. He is scared to feel the way he felt when he cheated on his last gf and doesnt want u to get hurt like his last gf got hurt. This is just one theory though. Who knows what the real truth is. But whatever it is, you should prob stop seeing him because he obviously has issues with cheating and you dont want to get hurt in the end. Find someone who is a bit more emotionally healthy and available and actually WANT a relationship. I know he felt horrible about cheating on her, but she doesn't know that he did. I don't think he necessarily has issues with cheating because from what he has told me he only cheated on her and it was at the end of their relationship when he knew it was over but she didn't want to believe it. I am not trying to say that what he did wasn't wrong but I don't think he is the type of person who will continuously cheat. I am just really confused with him.
fray718 Posted October 6, 2007 Posted October 6, 2007 I completely understand not wanting the pressure but I can't figure out what to do with the cheating comment. I know he felt horrible about cheating on her, but she doesn't know that he did. I don't think he necessarily has issues with cheating because from what he has told me he only cheated on her and it was at the end of their relationship when he knew it was over but she didn't want to believe it. I am not trying to say that what he did wasn't wrong but I don't think he is the type of person who will continuously cheat. I am just really confused with him. When did his last relationship with the girl end? Maybe he doesnt feel like he's ready for another relationship because it seemed his last one was really rough and he's using the 'cheating' comment as an excuse to not be in a relationship with you. Eventhough he may not be the cheating type, he still has got issues and sometimes it's just bad timing. He might not be ready yet.
Author beachlover Posted October 6, 2007 Author Posted October 6, 2007 When did his last relationship with the girl end? Maybe he doesnt feel like he's ready for another relationship because it seemed his last one was really rough and he's using the 'cheating' comment as an excuse to not be in a relationship with you. Eventhough he may not be the cheating type, he still has got issues and sometimes it's just bad timing. He might not be ready yet. They broke up in March then got back together in May because they had a trip planned that they had both already paid for, and broke up for good in the middle of June... so it has been almost 4 months. I talked to him last night and he said that he doesn't think I trust him, which I do right now. He thinks that because I know he cheated on his ex that I will never really trust him and he won't believe what I say.
fray718 Posted October 6, 2007 Posted October 6, 2007 Since you've been hanging out with him for a few months, I assume you started 'dating' him either right before or right after the breakup. It looks like he is rebounding off of you. He prob likes you but he can't trust that you trust him, thus still like I said he is not ready. There is nothing here that is uncommon or strange in my opinion since this situations happens quite often in dating. If I were you, I'd never want to be the rebound girl. I wouldn't have sex with a guy until it was confirmed that we're officially bf/gf. If I were you, I'd tell him that you won't judge him based on what he's done in the past and u appreciate his honesty about it. Basically, tell him that you DO trust him and he has to trust that you do. If he still refuses to call u his gf after this, I'd let him go and move on. These situations can get really emotionally draining if dragged on.
Author beachlover Posted October 7, 2007 Author Posted October 7, 2007 Since you've been hanging out with him for a few months, I assume you started 'dating' him either right before or right after the breakup. It looks like he is rebounding off of you. He prob likes you but he can't trust that you trust him, thus still like I said he is not ready. There is nothing here that is uncommon or strange in my opinion since this situations happens quite often in dating. If I were you, I'd never want to be the rebound girl. I wouldn't have sex with a guy until it was confirmed that we're officially bf/gf. If I were you, I'd tell him that you won't judge him based on what he's done in the past and u appreciate his honesty about it. Basically, tell him that you DO trust him and he has to trust that you do. If he still refuses to call u his gf after this, I'd let him go and move on. These situations can get really emotionally draining if dragged on. Thanks for all of your advice, I really appreciate it! I started to feel like his rebound a month or so ago (I think there is a post about it on here too) but I don't think he sees me as his rebound. We went to college together, we used to study for classes together all the time since we have the same major and we went to a small school where you are basically in the same classes with the same people every quarter. I lost contact with him after graduation and ran into him in July when I was out with some friends. I found out that he was single and we started talking again, we didn't start "dating" until August. I will talk to him when I get a chance. I just don't want him to feel like I am pressuring him into a relationship so I am going to have to figure out how to word it so I don't sound like I am pressuring him.
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