Newtotheblogthing Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 Can anyone relate? Have anyone become so dependent upon someone else that somewhere despite the outward appearances of being independent, we have became totallly dependent and addicted to our relationship? Are we focusing on what we are missing based on our lonliness and fear of being alone? Is the validation we used to get from our partners, the companionship, the "love"... more important that what will truly bring us health and happiness? I feel as if I am continually romanticizing my relationship with my ex and that I somehow feel that I NEED his love in order to live. It makes me very sad to love someone and to also recognize that within 3 years I have let myself become someone I don't recognize. I carry on each day but also harbor hope that he will come back and my life will be back on track. As if only with him can I live a happy life.. Has anyone lessened contact with their friends over time? Made your partner your life, good or bad? Put up with and also dealt out verbal abuse? Been involved in drugs or with someone who used drugs? Been codependent? Or just love someone that deep down you know will not ultimately make you happy?
Rayofsunshine Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 I can relate to the dependancy in a realtionship but I guess that is what happens sometimes when you are in a LTR. I was with my exbf for 10 years and lived together for 2 1/2 of them. I used to be independant but once we started living together things changed, I guess we were both guilty of becoming more dependant on each other. As we spent more time together we stopped hanging out with our friends as much. I think this is why it has been hard for me, that person who was part of my life is not there anymore. I miss him but I know that I don't need him to complete me, nor should I get into that pattern again. Luckily my friends have been there despite how we drifted apart while I was in my relationship. I now know that I won't let that happen again. There has to be some balance in my next relationship so this co-dependancy doesn't happen again. I am working towards getting my independance back again. It hasn't been easy, it is a slow process but worth it!
lost4ever Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 Guilty here, I'm in one right now (well just stopped) and never been like this before, I don't even like the guy (if I put it on paper) but everyday I want to call, write something, It's almost like I just want him to solve all my problems
Amy12345678 Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 Yes i've become depentant on someone, i was depressed and i felt he was the only one i could talk to, the only one i trusted, consciequently i drifted from my friends. But i have realised this now, and that i miss them and we are now rebuilding the friendships and although i spend less time with my partener now, our relationship is much more fullfilling. Your independence is deffinately worth having. I've also been so close to an ex that i felt a needed him to carry on, we had such a connection we were almost the same person. That connection has never gone, and so whenever i talk to him it very very painful, amazing, but painful. Bu tin time you will realise that you don't actually need them they just enrich your life.
Travis L Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 Guilty of co-dependency here... She can solve her problems on her own but says, "It will just be much faster if you do it." This happens with her college coursework, car problems, bills, everything. Crazy part is she has a new BF and she still calls me to solve all her problems...(even what birthday gift she should get her new BF). I'm putting a stop to it this weekend. Only problem is, I'm guilty of dependency upon her. She was my source of fun, inspiration, etc... I lived vicariously through her life... I happily did the dirty work while she allowed me into her social environment. I've had to modify my whole being to correct for the loss of her. I guess 4 years will do that to some people... Oh well, onward and upward...
kirikat Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 I think maybe codepancy is another made up disease in our continual attempts to pathologize everything. Of course we depend on our partners. Its why we have them. Of course we become dependant on the people who we love.... we are with them because we are social animals, and we look for love, partnership, family, and monogamy. As to being addicted, well, when you are in relationship, and esp when you are in love... your body releases lots of chemicals that help bonding. Its natures way of helping us reinforce our family units, increasing the survival rate of our little ones.... so, yes... of course when we are used to oxytocin and high rates of dopamine, it hurts. But - its love. Its not pathology.
Italiana Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 Your post almost made me cry. I felt this way about my ex. I felt that he was the only one for me and that i needed him in my life for love and to be happy. for 4 years he was my life. i lost myself. What you need to do is find yourself again. you've lost yourself in this "love" if you distanced yourself from your friends..then reach back out to them... they will be there for you if they truly love you... i put my friends through hell... if you make an effort to be involved in thier lives again they will return the gesture. Your life will go on without him you have to keep reminding yourself that you are right where you need to be right now and try to stay positive... you WILL LOVE AGAIN the only person you need to make you happy is YOU ... hold on and stay strong... it will get better
Sanslatete Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 I totally identify with the dependant relationship thing. I put my whole heart into my ex-GF for over six years and when she tore it out and stomped on it I was devastated. She was my whole world, I wasn't interested in doing anything unless I could do it with her. It's not like we were joined at the hip, but I only truly enjoyed myself when I was with her. We had so many things in common so we both enjoyed them. But as she f%$ked of with some idiot, it seems I needed her more than she needed me. Since then, it's been difficult putting my life back together again. I gave up everything and almost everybody for her. I was left virtually friendless and very much out on a limb. The things we used to do I can't do anymore as they remind me too much of her. So I have to virtually start a whole new life. I won't ever put that much into anyone else in the future, supposing there is someone else.
Author Newtotheblogthing Posted October 6, 2007 Author Posted October 6, 2007 Thank you everyone for the replies. It's a horrible feeling isn't it? And I know with time it will lessen but I still feel like we are together, just not physically.. isn't that insane. Just because I am living or something like that, we must still be together. Like you said, EVERYTHING reminds me of him. He made me his world as well.. I fought it at first and then gave in because I guess deep down it's what I wanted. To consume and to be consumed by him. Unfortunately, 3 years later I get out of bed everyday for work and go through the motions but it's almost as if I am just waiting for my life to start again. Somehow he can fix me.. which I hate to admit but it's true. I am waiting for him to give me my life back. Even if it wasn't a great one.. being without him seems worse. Thank you again, knowing I am not crazy and not alone is really helpful. I hope it gets better...I am starting to think I might be a bit delusional..
Author Newtotheblogthing Posted October 6, 2007 Author Posted October 6, 2007 AND I am so sorry for YOUR pain. Sanslete... I understand.. " f%$ked of with some idiot", I understand that as well.. Thank you again for sharing... thank you.
Lizzie60 Posted October 6, 2007 Posted October 6, 2007 Has anyone lessened contact with their friends over time? I did at one point in my life.. with my 2 best friends... but we got back together and now I am closer than ever with them... Made your partner your life, good or bad? I've had SO most of my life.. they were my life back then... when you are in a relationship... you always think that this is 'it'...this is the person that makes your life... until you drift apart. Put up with and also dealt out verbal abuse? Not really... my last ex had a jealousy 'fit' once and damaged my car...it cost him a few thousand $$ ... he paid... and I was out of there... Been involved in drugs or with someone who used drugs? No..not since my teen years.. LOL... a looong time ago... I don't take drugs or even smoke anymore. Been codependent? I used to be emotionally dependant when I was younger... I think this is common when we're younger... but when I reached 45 and became single for the first time since my early 20s... I became extremely confident and happy... I was finally delivered from my dependance... I learned that a woman can live alone and be extremely happy... Or just love someone that deep down you know will not ultimately make you happy? Now I know that we can NEVER depend on someone else to be happy... we have to be happy with ourself first.. this is primal.
Aussie65 Posted October 6, 2007 Posted October 6, 2007 I had become Co-dependent through my partners behaviour. My guy when I met him was Mr Wonderful and daily I would ask myself how was I so lucky to find this amazing guy.Well it wasn't long before the lying and cheating started...by this time I was caught!hook....line and sinker...I loved this guy beyond my wildest dreams and would have done anything for him.Well I put up with all the crap...then I became so insecure,I would call him up when I would mistrust or hear something,I was clinging like you would not believe!NEVER,in my days have I been like this but he had me where he wanted me.So then he started treated my like cra*p.I found myself being submissive,weak when I was strong...waiting on this man hand and foot!.He would threaten to leave if I would question him in anyway.I had to put up with his every bad habit!So I ended up recently getting out...THAT was hard!he refused to go so I had to have support to help me get him out. This man took advantage of my kindness and moulded me into a pathetic little,controlled person!
Author Newtotheblogthing Posted October 6, 2007 Author Posted October 6, 2007 Aussie: how did you come out of it. Right now i feel like the world is ending. Tonight I was text messaging him, he is having dinner with his girlfriend. i wanted to be vindictive, to let her know he has cheated on her with me! I hate this feeling. It's pathetic and I see no future for myself right now. I am just so sad. Sad that it didn't work between us and sad that I did what you do. Wouldn't leave no matter what. I gave up my independence,my self esteem my self worth and now I still want to be with him because it feels like he is all I have. I want to cry but I can't right now.. How did you get your life back?
Author Newtotheblogthing Posted October 6, 2007 Author Posted October 6, 2007 I can't even bring myself to NC. It means letting go and then I would have nothing! That's the awful thinking that I have to get away from. I feel as if I am nothing without his love.
loveinlife Posted October 6, 2007 Posted October 6, 2007 Can anyone relate? Have anyone become so dependent upon someone else that somewhere despite the outward appearances of being independent, we have became totallly dependent and addicted to our relationship? Are we focusing on what we are missing based on our lonliness and fear of being alone? Is the validation we used to get from our partners, the companionship, the "love"... more important that what will truly bring us health and happiness? I feel as if I am continually romanticizing my relationship with my ex and that I somehow feel that I NEED his love in order to live. It makes me very sad to love someone and to also recognize that within 3 years I have let myself become someone I don't recognize. I carry on each day but also harbor hope that he will come back and my life will be back on track. As if only with him can I live a happy life.. Has anyone lessened contact with their friends over time? Made your partner your life, good or bad? Put up with and also dealt out verbal abuse? Been involved in drugs or with someone who used drugs? Been codependent? Or just love someone that deep down you know will not ultimately make you happy? Im like you new, been that person who was dependent on everything my relationship with my ex was going. I wasn't living my life but for the life of my ex to be happy. Bc if she was happy so was i. i dealt with lots of verbal abuse and trash talking. *sigh* those always sucked my confidence and self worth up. I also felt that i needed her to live. At one point, i thought about suicide, but i guess my mind cleared up bc even if i did, she would never come back to me. I went through a horrible time, where everything was cloudy. i didn't know how to live my life anymore... all was for her. Now its just seems like my life is taking a new turn where i get to clear up my mind, regain my confidence and try to live my life more happily. There are still a few things that i need to accomplish, such as my career, i graduated from a University and im still living at home and making mediocre money. Basically i created a glass ceiling for myself from my low confidence that nothing is going to work out eventhough how hard i try... this came from the ideology of my ex leaving me, that no matter how hard i pleased her, she still left me with a great amount of pain and many nights of feeling lonesome... im slowly trying to get back on my feet and live the life that i want, to become me, a strong individual who will take advantage of his life, be happy, productive, makes loads of money, and be in good health. *sigh* these are my wishes. gluck new. wish me luck!
Author Newtotheblogthing Posted October 6, 2007 Author Posted October 6, 2007 Loveinlife: thank you for sharing that. I can't tell you how much it means to know that other people like yourself know exactly what this is like.. The confidence is lost..the trash tallking, the way it slowly destoryed us.. I get that. I was fairly successful and self supporting when I met him and I am now rebuilding not only myself but my career as well.. in my 30's no less.. I wish you all the luck in the world but somehow i don't think it will be luck that gets us through this. I thought about suicide as well.. I am glad we are both still here. Thank god it was just a thought. Please hang in there an dcontinue on your path. So much lies ahead for both of us right??I am going to believe that tonight!
loveinlife Posted October 6, 2007 Posted October 6, 2007 Loveinlife: thank you for sharing that. I can't tell you how much it means to know that other people like yourself know exactly what this is like.. The confidence is lost..the trash tallking, the way it slowly destoryed us.. I get that. I was fairly successful and self supporting when I met him and I am now rebuilding not only myself but my career as well.. in my 30's no less.. I wish you all the luck in the world but somehow i don't think it will be luck that gets us through this. I thought about suicide as well.. I am glad we are both still here. Thank god it was just a thought. Please hang in there an dcontinue on your path. So much lies ahead for both of us right??I am going to believe that tonight! Yeah, i hated that verbal crap, its so draining, sucks up our life's energy. Thats very true, so much lies in front of us. There is much potential in everyone that we just need to have a concept and a goal. The sky is the limit, we are in control of ourselves, our lives, our relationships, jobs, and everything. I agree thats its not just luck, success will come from perserverance, hard work, positive mindset, and being smart about our decisions. Our actions matter. there is a saying what a person can do, another person can as well. keep up the good work new! Good things will come our way! =)
Aussie65 Posted October 6, 2007 Posted October 6, 2007 Aussie: how did you come out of it. Right now i feel like the world is ending. Tonight I was text messaging him, he is having dinner with his girlfriend. i wanted to be vindictive, to let her know he has cheated on her with me! I hate this feeling. It's pathetic and I see no future for myself right now. I am just so sad. Sad that it didn't work between us and sad that I did what you do. Wouldn't leave no matter what. I gave up my independence,my self esteem my self worth and now I still want to be with him because it feels like he is all I have. I want to cry but I can't right now.. How did you get your life back? Hello New, I am sorry your going through this....honestly,I started to question my own mental stability through all this man put me through but for some weird sick reason I still loved him and wanted him back!I am being tormented daily and want so much to be with him but know he is no good for me.We broke up a month ago,in the afternoon and that night I went to the local bar and here he was walking in with another woman on his arm!Can you imagine how ropeable I was?he still had his dog and possesions in my house so I asked them both WHAT IS GOING ON HERE!they denied anything saying...just met tonight and was giving her a lift.I asked her if she wanted to come pick up his dog and things...I was so hurt and have never been the other woman..NOT EVER!I was out of control and you know what....he played on that!he played his little games and I took him back the next day...I took him back for the umpteenth time!I allowed him once again back into my home and heart and he didn't ever put an effort in because he knew he had me right where he wanted me.I have bruises on my body from our last fight last weekend which he says I started....he was sitting there calling me a liar when I didn't and I through my keys on the couch near him so he got up and came at me grabbing me hard,bruising me and throwing me to the couch.Right now I loathe him but I love him and miss him!crazyyyyyyy I think I need to get some councelling to get him out of my head for good.
Author Newtotheblogthing Posted October 7, 2007 Author Posted October 7, 2007 Hi guys. Yesterday I decided to reinstate NC and be kind to myself. I keep reminding myself that I am torturing myself over what?? Nothing good. My ex supposedly cares about me and was in love with me for 3 years and now it's ok for him to sleep with me while he has new girlfriend. NO, it's NOT ok. I am not going to allow myself to give this person all the power! I deserve more! It's time for me to rebuild my life and I am not going to do let myself believe that I cannot live without my ex. We almost destoyed each other and I want a better life!! I am strong, I am worth loving and I am going to take care of myself. He cannot do this for me nor would I want him to! What do I think I am missing? When did it I decide this is all I was worth!! NO MORE. Just for today, I am going to the leave the relationship in the past and do my best to take care of myself! I was not happy! He can't make me happy! I can only make myself happy! Thanks for listening and even when I feel down I am going to repeat my mantra over and over until I truly believe it! Screw him!
loveinlife Posted October 7, 2007 Posted October 7, 2007 Hi guys. Yesterday I decided to reinstate NC and be kind to myself. I keep reminding myself that I am torturing myself over what?? Nothing good. My ex supposedly cares about me and was in love with me for 3 years and now it's ok for him to sleep with me while he has new girlfriend. NO, it's NOT ok. I am not going to allow myself to give this person all the power! I deserve more! It's time for me to rebuild my life and I am not going to do let myself believe that I cannot live without my ex. We almost destoyed each other and I want a better life!! I am strong, I am worth loving and I am going to take care of myself. He cannot do this for me nor would I want him to! What do I think I am missing? When did it I decide this is all I was worth!! NO MORE. Just for today, I am going to the leave the relationship in the past and do my best to take care of myself! I was not happy! He can't make me happy! I can only make myself happy! Thanks for listening and even when I feel down I am going to repeat my mantra over and over until I truly believe it! Screw him! Hi New, Lots of great questions you have. its a start and it sounds like you are creating answers to these questions. Yes, i agree that you are worth more. you always had it inside of you. There is nothing to compare you with another person, you are UNIQUE! special in your own ways and that is what makes you a lovely human being. I believe in your capabilities to excel in wherever your desires maybe. =) I too had slept with my ex, during a time when she only wanted to be friends. At the same time i think i was her door mat... only to find out its true bc i allowed it. I notice that i still need to work on some areas in my life. give it time, the answers are there. =) hope you are having a nice weekend. -Love
Author Newtotheblogthing Posted October 8, 2007 Author Posted October 8, 2007 Thanks loveinlife. I was feeling so strong earlier and now after spending too much time at home... sigh, a little depressed. I just imagine what he's doing now.I know he was watching football earler.. His team lost! They always do. In the part of town we used to live in together, probably with his new girl next to him in the place that used to be mine. I will be leaving shortly for a little while so hopefully getting out will help. Not calling or texting... no matter what! This too shall pass. Thank you for the kind words.. I would say the same thing to you. The roller coaster is in full swing right now.. I am going to be stronger when I reach the "other side". Big hug.
Sanslatete Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 It sent me into a spiral of self-destruction. I lost the ability to care about much, (mainly myself) and I just went with the flow of whatever was/is happening. I'm at university just now (as a mature student) and I should be studying in my final year, but that's all gone down the ****ter so far. I can't concentrate on much and reading is an effort. All the things I used to find enjoyment in are no-go's as they remind me of my ex. All the music, the art, the movies, the walks...all tainted. I'm still not doing very well and making lots of mistakes in life. A lot of them I fear I'm going to regret later but I'm just 'getting by' and grasping at straws. It's pathetic how bad this has left me and I am trying to work my way up, but it's proving to be very difficult to get my head above water. To the point that I worry for my sanity. I am seeing a counsellor (twice a week), but my head's still all over the place. This really shouldn't effect my life like this I know when I think logically, but it's nothing to do with logic, it's emotional.
Author Newtotheblogthing Posted October 8, 2007 Author Posted October 8, 2007 Like you said Sanslatete, it has nothing to do with logic. We are human beings and as much as I would love to control my emotions.. I can't. We have to go through it and I do believe we are more resiliant than we think. At least that's what I hoping. It's just difficult, period. Please hang in there or do your best for right now. Everything you're going through albeit uncomfortable and PAINFUL, is natural. It takes some us longer, maybe we feel deeper or we're just crazier (not sure which)..Please keep posting, I read them every day.. yes, I too feel a bit pathetic but frankly, as you probably know, it helps. P.S I am in therapy too. Best thing we can do for ourselves.
Grace112 Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 Yes, I definitely was in an addictive relationship. We spent all of our free time together - in fact, besides work, we were rarely apart When we were at home, at his request, we were always in the same room. I turned down invitations to gatherings, my closest friends of 10 years stopped speaking to me because I couldn't spend time with them, and I tried not to work late to make sure I could be there for him. One of my biggest struggles now is trying to learn how to do things without thinking about him first. His former co-worker's wife invited me to a baby shower. Obviously, he wouldn't be attendance b/c of the nature of the event but I still struggled with the invitation b/c I feared his irritation with me. When I asked my therapist, he thought the question should be why I concerned myself still with his feelings, not whether or not I should attend. The person I am now is so far off from who I thought I would be. I'm trying to find myself now, but so much of me rather just go back if he would take me. I know it's not "right" but I can't seem to keep my heart from crying right now.
Author Newtotheblogthing Posted October 8, 2007 Author Posted October 8, 2007 The person I am now is so far off from who I thought I would be. I'm trying to find myself now, but so much of me rather just go back if he would take me. I know it's not "right" but I can't seem to keep my heart from crying right now. I understand completely. In fact one minute I feel strong the next, I want to cry and pray he will call me and tell me he made a mistake. I was at the doctor today and it's a big university medical center that requires complicated parking etc.. I was late, it stressed me out and I almostt LOST it in the office, All I could think about was him this morning. It's sad!! I can't even go to the doctor.. everything in my daily life reminds me of him. It's as if we are one person in my mind. I equate my life with his.. Ugh!! Like you said I am trying to find myself as well. WE have to! Otherwise nothing will change right? And I can't continue on this path, it's far too painful . I hope you have a good day!
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