Valyntine1020 Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 I'm going to try and not write a novel here, but this will probably be long so for that, I apologize. I've been getting some conflicting advice and opinions about a man I'm seeing and I was hoping some of you might have solid views on the subject. Here's the scenario: Friday night, I was supposed to meet a girlfriend at a local bar, however, after arriving she called and told me she wasn't going to be able to make it. Since I was already there, I decided to make the most of it and have a couple of drinks on my own. I will say right off the bat, I'm kind of not into the dating scene. I was married at age 21 to my college sweetheart and he was killed about a year and a half ago. Because of this, I've been laying low and I don't really know what I'm doing. I'm 24, however and I feel like I'm too young to give it up completely! In any case, after about 15 minutes a man that I was not attracted to in the least sat down next to me and attempted to chat me up. I made nice with him and we shared a bit of small talk. In the meantime, I noticed a very nice looking man across the bar who kept catching my eye. After a few more minutes of agonizing conversation with the man seated to my right, he decided he needed a bathroom break and excused himself. At this point, the man across the bar made his way to my end and introduced himself. He told me his name is Mike and we chatted about music (we're both musicians) and he told me a bit about his job. He asked about my family, how long I had lived in the area, etc. etc. I found him funny and quite engaging and enjoyed his company. When the bar closed, he invited me to a (very) early breakfast at Ihop with him and a friend of his. I agreed to go, he bought me some pancakes and a chocolate milk and we had a great time. He invited me back to his place from the restaurant but I declined telling him that I would love to get together another time. We exchanged numbers and went our seperate ways. Now, I do remember from when I dated that you almost never hear from a guy the day after you give him your number so I was very surprised to hear from him the next morning around 11 am. He asked me if I wanted to come over and eat some pizza and watch a movie. I went, and it was nice. We made out a little, but I put on the brakes before things got too steamy. Call me crazy, but I just can't get that physical after seeing someone twice. The next day, he sent me several text messages asking what I was doing that night, if I had eaten yet, etc. etc. I told him that I had no plans and then I didn't hear from him again. Finally, I told him that I was going to grab some sushi later and if he wanted to come, he was welcome to. Now, I don't know....I hate doing that. I hate asking guys out. I know a lot of people say that it's fine...but even more people say that a woman should never do that and I honestly don't like to. Why? I don't know....I guess I just feel like, if he wanted to go to dinner with me, he would have asked. Anyway, he met me for sushi and we had a few drinks and chatted. However, if felt to me like he had no attraction for me whatsoever. Which was weird, because the night before he seemed like he liked me a lot. When we were done at the restaurant, I made my way to my car to go home, but he flagged me down right before I left and asked if I was going to come back to his apartment. I agreed and away we went. Once back at his place, it was more of the same. He didn't look at me, didn't touch me, etc. etc. Finally, I told him that I needed to go home and I admit, I pretty much rushed out. I was bummed out how the night had went and basically knew I wasn't going to hear from him again. I got to my car and much to my annoyance, I started to cry a little bit. I hate getting emotional over something so silly, but that's exactly what happened. After my little cry in the car, I realized that I had forgotten my favorite necklace in his apartment and had to wipe my eyes and go back to get it. He opened the door with a huge grin on his face and said he was glad I came back. I told him I had forgotten the necklace and he went to get it for me. When he came back with it, he asked me what was wrong and invited me in to talk about it. I ended up telling him that while I liked him, I didn't feel like he was that into me...and while that was totally ok with me and I understood, it sucked a little bit. He asked if I was looking for a more serious relationship, and I said no, I wasn't....but I wasn't looking for a "friend with benefits" either. In any case, he listened and was very nice, but he didn't deny anything I said either. He made no reassurance to me that he liked me, but he never said that he didn't either. Much to my surprise, he called me the next day (Monday) and asked me to go have dinner and see a movie with him. I declined simply because I felt like continuing to date this guy would be a complete waste of time. Later that night, I spoke with a male friend of mine who told me that I was too hard on him and that I should give him another shot. After I got off the phone with my friend, Mike called me back and asked if I would consider seeing him on Tuesday and I agreed. Tuesday however, was more of the same. I was beginning to wonder if this guy just considered me a friend...except for how much he liked making out with me...which we were doing a lot of at this point. Am I setting my standards too high when I say that I want a guy that likes ME as much as he likes kissing me? Unfortunately, I really like HIM....ugh the saga continues... I went home that night very annoyed. I took a bath, drank 2 glasses of wine, smoked cigarettes and read "He's Just Not That Into You" for like, the hundredth time and swore to myself that unless this guy contacted ME and basically begged me to go out with him again, I was completely done. The next day (yesterday) I received a couple text messages from him, but they were extremely non committal, so I did not return them. Eventually, he asked what I was doing that night and I said that I had no definite plans. I didn't hear from him again after that, so I made plans with a friend and we head out to a bar to spend the evening. On our way there, I received a text from Mike and he asked me if I wanted to meet him at the bar I was already on my way to. I told him we would be there in a few minutes. When I got there, I was floored by his actions. He stood up and walked to meet me when I came in, kissed me in front of all his friends and told me how gorgeous I looked. He then introduced himself to my girlfriend and made a place for us at his table. He put his arm around me and kept it there for the rest of the night and continuously kissed me, tucked my hair behind my ears and massaged my neck throughout the entire evening. Seriously....I was thinking to myself "Ok, who the hell is this guy?" Why the sudden 180? Am I missing something? This is the same guy that would barely even look at me the night before. It was like the twilight zone. Anyway, we had a fabulous time and I realized why I liked him again. It was great! However....before I left to go home, he invited me out to a karaoke bar with him and his friends....and you know what? Haven't heard from him all day. Nothing. Amazing, right? I honestly don't know what to think. If he's not into me, then why on earth does he keep asking me out? And if he IS into me, then why the conflicting signals? I don't get it! I hope some of you can shed some light on this. I'm so sorry for the length and thank you ahead of time for any advice you can give me!
oppath Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 Ok, you JUST MET HIM!!!!!!! SLOW DOWN!!!!! You are seeing each other every day or every other day. Even if a guy REALLY REALLY likes you, if he can only see you once a week, it means nothing as far as his interest (initially). It sounds like you are jumping headfirst into a relationship. Take it easy. Hang out 1-2 times a week. Be busy doing other things. He sounds interested. Don't analyze every action of his.
Author Valyntine1020 Posted October 5, 2007 Author Posted October 5, 2007 Hey, I don't mind taking things slow and I actually think seeing him every day has been excessive. Are you saying that I should turn him down when he does ask me out? My point is that I don't understand why a guy would ask me to spend time with him if he is suddenly cold and distant when I get there. I don't really think that equates into me attempting to jump into some sort of relationship with him. I just don't enjoy the mixed signals and was just looking for some input into understanding WHY his actions are so inconsistent.
Trialbyfire Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 I don't know if this guy is one of these but sometimes guys play the hot and cold game to get your attention. In pushing, then pulling away, they think they can intrigue you.
Lyssa Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 I think he has a split personality. I don't get men like that. I stay away from men like that. Gee whizz - I DATED a man like for almost 2 and half years!!!! It was madness!
oppath Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 Because his actions aren't cold or distant. He hardly knows you. You need time for actions to be consistent and he likely doesn't know how to act around you because he doesn't know you well and things are moving too fast. And yes, you should turn him down. Say "I think I just want to stay in tonight" or "I want to workout tonight" or "I want to go to dinner with my girlfriends that night, BUT I should be free in a couple days (i.e. if it is a Monday, suggest Wednesday or Thursday)."
Krytie TV Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 Yeah, don't be so available for activities with little or no notice. Act like your time is more valuable than that. Have plans made sometimes. He has you basically at his whim and that is not to your benefit.
jcster Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 I think he's trying not to rush you. He's contacted you pretty much every day - I think you can rest assured that he likes you. I think that when you "put the brakes on" while making out, you made an impression on him that he needs to move slowly. Most guys don't really know how to do that, so it's going to seem a little artificial, even if it's sincere. I think you should slow down and take this as it comes. Try and stop reading so much into it and just enjoy the attention.
NinjaRat Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 I think he's trying not to rush you. He's contacted you pretty much every day - I think you can rest assured that he likes you. I think that when you "put the brakes on" while making out, you made an impression on him that he needs to move slowly. Most guys don't really know how to do that, so it's going to seem a little artificial, even if it's sincere. I think you should slow down and take this as it comes. Try and stop reading so much into it and just enjoy the attention. QFT You set some boundaries early on with how far you wanted to go when things were heating up, so he's stepped back to give you some space. He's still trying to do things with you though, but I'd say he's waiting for you to make the next move. Don't stress about it and enjoy the going out stuff and his company
Kamille Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 I agree with all previous posters about it being too soon for you to be able to establish anything. Just focus on ejoying the time together - time that you will limit by keeping busy with other activities. But yeah, I have been on the receiving end of the hot-cold dating spectrum and it is confusing. It probably is only that confusing because you already know you are into him. Try to take a step back and remember how you felt before meeting him.
tanbark813 Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 Hmmm.. Well, it's probably one of the following: 1. He's a player. 2. He's not sure if he likes you. 3. There's something unrelated to you--job, personal life, family, whatever--that's making him reluctant to get seriously involved. 4. He does like you and occasionally just gets nervous/tongue-tied when he sees you. But since that spans most possibilities that probably doesn't help much. If it weren't for the frequency of how often you guys have gotten together I'd just assume he was a player. But he has put in a lot of effort so who knows. I don't know if this guy is one of these but sometimes guys play the hot and cold game to get your attention. In pushing, then pulling away, they think they can intrigue you. Think?? In this case it's safe to say it worked. Yeah, don't be so available for activities with little or no notice. Act like your time is more valuable than that. Have plans made sometimes. He has you basically at his whim and that is not to your benefit. I agree with this. When he calls you up ahead of time to plan something, by all means go out with him. But when he texts you at the last minute with "hey, come meet me" then turn him down. Or at least don't meet up with him every time. You could also say that you have plans but offer that he come meet you and see if he does.
Trialbyfire Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 Think?? In this case it's safe to say it worked. Refer to post #2. I agree...
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