TogetherForever Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 Traingirl I'm sorry if this is stating the obvious and you've already tried this, but have you tried @nal? I had a colleague who was from Nigeria, and had undergone female genital mutilation as a child, was hacked open by a dagger on marriage and badly damaged in the process. She ran away, but also developed bad scarring in the process, perhaps similar to yours? She's now remarried to a local guy, and because of physical and emotional issues around penetrative vaginal sex prefers to avoid it. They got around the "how to remain intimate" issues by exploring non-penetrative options, and @nal. It works for them, but I know it's not everybody's thing. On the reconstructive surgery - I agree with norajane, the "scraping away" sounds really crude. Laser surgery should avoid that kind of re-scarring and a good plastic / reconstructive surgeon should be able to advise. If you have a strong relationship with your H, and it sounds like you do, then complicating it with outside others should really be your last resort. She can't take her husband vaginally & you are suggesting she take him anally??? No way!!!!!
silktricks Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 Well, if the idea is to sort stretch you back into the shape that can handle your husband, instead of using another man, why don't you purchase some sex aids? Use them alone or with your husband. Your idea of a therapeutic affair may well backfire on you in every way.
OWoman Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 She can't take her husband vaginally & you are suggesting she take him anally??? No way!!!!! I'm saying it worked for someone else whose scarring may or may not have been similar. Only Traingirl would be able to say if it would work for her or not.
TogetherForever Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 I'm saying it worked for someone else whose scarring may or may not have been similar. Only Traingirl would be able to say if it would work for her or not. I know OW. It just shocked me a little. If you know what I mean;). TF
OWoman Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 I know OW. It just shocked me a little. If you know what I mean;). TF Yep - it's not for everyone, as I said.
whichwayisup Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 I have worked on this with a dildo, with and without H, and it will seem better, but when we try again, the pain is there. We have tried different positions, different lubricants, nothing works. I guess I just don't understand how you think having an affair with another man will eventually fix this problem magically and then you'll be able to have sex again with your husband. Have you two talked about an open marriage? I mean, you like sex and he's too big. How will you feel if he has another woman he has sex with? I hope though, you two work through this together and come to some sort of conclusion without having a sexual affair with someone else. Good luck.
Kasan Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 Have you thought about hypnosis for the pain? It was (although I am not sure if it is used as widely now) very effective in blocking labor pains to the point that you didn't need an epidural. I think that you situation is probably one of the worst things that can happen to a committed couple. There has got to be someone who can treat this....I can't believe that you are the only one that has ever gone through this.
annabelle75 Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 I am so sorry you are going through this. My mother has gone through the same thing. She had a medical procedure 4 years ago, which the doctor botched up and she now can’t have sex without feeling intense pain (much like you just described). She and my father had always had an active sex life (ick ….. could you imagine how awkward that conversation with my mom was ) but after the surgery it caused her immense pain. For a long time she tried to just bite her tongue and deal with it fro his sake, but he couldn’t handle causing her so much pain so they stopped having sex. Its been hard on both of them. I wish I could tell you that there was some sort of magic solution, but 4 years later she is still struggling with it. She recently has started seeing a new doctor and they are trying some new treatments that they believe will help eventually. After so long I think she’s happy to just have some hope. It has affected the intimacy level in their marriage, but they have been able to do other things to try to cope with not being able to have actual intercourse. They’ve just had to get a little more creative. After more than 35 years of marriage its been a real “experience for them.” So … my take on your situation is that the fact you still have a sex drive is a very good thing. You still want to have sex but you just don’t want the pain. To look at this from a technical point of view, I suspect your H’s girth is probably the main problem. Its stretching you in places your body can’t handle right now. The fact that you tried for 4 years after and it still hasn’t changed shows that it isn’t just a matter of working up to it hurting less. I think your attraction to the other man is just a desperate need to enjoy sex and deep down you feel you will never enjoy it with your H again. You think with some one built differently it may not hurt. I understand that. My ex-H was not well endowed and had next to no interest in sex. After I had our daughter I barely felt anything the few times a year he agreed to sleep with me. I can’t tell you how close I came to giving up and sleeping with another man. I found myself attracted to any man I thought might meet my needs. I felt like I was losing my mind (especially since I was approaching my sexual peak). What you are feeling isn’t abnormal in your kind of situation. Don’t beat yourself up over it. My advice would be to be completely honest with your new doctor about how you are feeling and what you want to have happen. If necessary ask about a referral to a specialist. This is important and any doctor that would tell you to just “deal with it” needs to be drug out in the street and shot. Do you and your husband perform any sort of sexual acts besides actual intercourse now? If so, do you both get some sort of release? Do either of you pleasure yourselves regularly? (sorry to get so personal) First thing you need to do is isolate the reason you are considering having sex with some one else? Is it for the sexual release or is it to make you feel good about yourself? I now how much it brings a person down to feel as though they cannot sexually fulfill their spouse. It’s a self esteem killer. I’m sure both you and your H are struggling with this. So to sum it up ……. You should first exhaust any and all medical or therapeutic options before resorting to something so drastic as bringing another person into your sex life for one or both of you. It may be necessary to get a little creative for the time being, but if you and your H really love each other try not to despair too much. The feelings you are having are not abnormal. ((((hugs))))))
Author traingirl Posted October 5, 2007 Author Posted October 5, 2007 Annabelle75, Thank you so much! When I read your response, I *finally* felt like I was not alone, or that something was wrong with me. Again thank you! We are approaching the medical route first - I am praying that I can find a solution. We have done other things, with each other and alone, but afterwards I feel the loss of our ability to have intercourse even more keenly. He feels the same way. If we find a medical solution, we will probably still have some issues to work through. H and I have discussed this - I know he still finds me desirable, but when I think of sex with him now, I think of pain. Then I feel guilty. It just totally sucks basically. You really summed up the situation - this other man started me thinking about sex again. I started thinking maybe there was someone out there who I could have sex with and it wouldn't hurt. The good thing about all this is that I realize I don't want to just NOT have sex ever again (which is what I assumed was going to happen due to the situation). It just came back to me so suddenly, it was like a physical blow to my body, I have been totally caught off guard! After six years. I go to the doctor again next week. A female doctor this time. And if they can't help me, I am seriously considering getting a lawyer and seeing if I can sue the SOB who botched my delivery. He was the on-call guy, and my personal doctor was floored that he did not do a c-section. My husband was in the delivery room and he saw what happened. It took them three hours to stop the bleeding and stitch me up - I probably would have died had I not been in the hospital. Sorry to rant - my feelings are all a jumble with anger, hurt, hopelessness, frustration. But thank you to everyone for letting me vent.
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