depression lonileness and NC

[Goodin]

Well I hope things work out for you rccaliguy. It must be hard seeing eachother like you guys do and not be together. This might be too personal but do you guys still have a physical relationship? Me and my ex tried that for about a month of just dating but in limbo and it didnt work out...it was emotionally taxing for both of us. How are you feeling now with your depression?

 

I am doing better than last week. I dont feel like smashing into telephone poles which is good! I am not as depressed after smoothing things out about how bad the breakup was. I went over to her house sunday (which I shouldnt have done probably) to tell her face to face how sorry I was about how I treated her and that I care about her and love her and that I just need time alone to prove that I am not emotionally dependent on her and that my love is true. I told her that I really do love her...and she was ready to take me back right then but I held strong and said I need time and I wont contact her for a few weeks. Staying strong and not calling her will be so hard but I can do it I hope. I dont know if it will work out at this point because of all the damage done it might mean that we have to heal and move on and reconcile later in the future. I do know this will be a tough one for me to get over.

 

Honestly me calling and going over to her house probably was part of my dependency on her I do admit..but it made me feel better to see her. And that might be why I am less depressed. We shall see in the coming days if I crash again.

[Goodin]

also I took a few days off here but I should keep quick replies this week

[rcaliguy]

we were intimate a week after but that did not at all go the way i thought it would. i thought it might ignite the spark but instead did nothing. we've tried to maintain and give each other space. the first week, we pretty much talked every night before falling asleep. we don't really do that anymore. we actually saw my therapist twice, back to back weeks and she said that we should give each other some time right now to sort things out. the only time we do see one another right now is usually on a saturday. and just like you, i think i'm emotionally dependent. we just had a quick conversation this morning about how i need to back off. it's just pushing her away. she did mention that she misses me and thinks about me...that was a booster, but i know i need to give her her time and that i should do the same. like you, to show her that i'm not emotionally dependent of her. the hard thing is to stay focused on that and not think about what she's up to or who she might be with. i personally can't see myself out with someone else right now or even less being intimate with them.

i know what you mean. i have my good days and i have my days of hell. i don't have the same thoughts i used to have initially (the i don't want to live thoughts). i just kind of power down and lose it for a few minutes and slowly get myself together and pick up where i left off at. it's definetely difficult staying strong but i'm trying really hard. my goal this week is to not talk to her until monday, when i'll be coming by and see our dog. i'm going to try to be strong and only go out with the dog this time. she can stay at home. i think it'll help me and show her that i'm making changes and am a strong person.

 

do you guys live in around the same area? have mutual friends or family members that you talk to on a regular basis?

[Bosiell]

sometimes it's not enough knowing things but actually experiencing them first hand and in the raw form. i'm learning things now as we speak and you're right, that is what makes one wiser. it's really hard to no longer have her at my side but this is definetely a hard leason learned. i'm a lot better from what happened. i'm learning to develop a different perspective on life, not only with those who i interact with but most importantly with myself. i know that i'll be okay in the long run. i'll eventually feel a lot better and i'll be able to function without breaking down with immense pain from the lose. and i've already make the conscience decision to not make the same mistakes again. i know someone will be very fortunate to have me as part of their life. it's a shame that things didn't workout with my ex. i love and appreciation i have for her is none of which i've felt before. i took a lot for granted. i don't beat myself over it, i just take what i've learned and carry it with me. this is personally the first time i've lost a love. it is BY FAR the worst feeling EVER. it really made me grow up and realize a lot about myself. i wasn't happy with myself before and i know that carried over to my relationship. i have to be happy with myself, bottom line.

quote]

 

I can relate so much to what you are saying Rcali. Not just from my latest relationship but from others. As painfull as my recent heartbreak was (and at times still is) I am trying to take postives from it, as far as learning about myself. I will learn from it and take that experience to my next relatationship. I keep telling myself the next women I meet will be the luckiest person on the planet. If she deserves it of course

[rcaliguy]

yeah, i've had that same thought as well. but we must remember what we've learned and not take things for granted. yeah, the next might be the luckiest if you remember what you learned and apply that toward your relationship. i've told myself as well that the next person i'm with is going to be really happy with me. though, deep deep down inside i'd really wish for that person to be my ex. she really has the qualities that i'd like from a life partner. in my case, i'm the one who broke things off so it's even harder to deal with things bc i know that if i hadn't made drastic decisions we'd still be together. though, i have to be a realist and realize that if none of what happened ever took place, i'd still be in the same position from where i was before and the same person.

i'm a strong believer that everything happens for a reason. maybe this was the plan all along, to experience this and grow into a better person. i can already see the change in myself and how i interact with others. i'm not as flakey as i was before. if i happen to make a committment to a friend, co-worker, classmate, or family member i've been on top of it and have came through. THAT makes me feel good. i know i'm better now.

[Bosiell]

Great attititude Rcali

 

Yeah I am looking foward to next lucky lady to, but oh so true I so wish that lady was my ex, I would have done anything for her. But alas it wasnt meant to be and nothing can be done to change that.

 

Like I have said in a previous post. This hearbreaking experience tho it was and sure I still think of her 24/7, was the kick up the pants I needed to take more account of myself and my values in life.

[alexa137]

i know how you feel-i am going through the same feelings but i jsut wanted to say that i am amazed to hear that kinda of stuff from a guy! i didnt know that a man could be capable of having such feelings!!?/ i guess because i dont feel like my ex cares--i have cried everyday since march and lately has been worse-ups and downs lots of memories and wondering why my ex left me--right now i find myself crying myself to sleep hoping that things will start to look up in my life-because right now i have nothing to live for--i am alone, i hate my job, i hate where i live, i never have money, only 1 friend, i dont go out, all i do is work and sleep! its so boring! and its only gonna get worse in the winter time--

i just dont understand how someone can tell you they love you everyday for almost 2 years and then just leave and not try to contact you for weeks? while i am home going crazy wndering alot! i know i wasnt the perfect girlfriend but i wasnt the worst either! i know i have some pluses--and i understand when you say that you dont want to meet anyone-i went 7 years before i meet my last ex without any dating really-and my ex and I had the most intense and the best sex-we both have admitted that we love each others bodys togther- i sometimes find myself feeing for his,well you know--and i know he feels the same way--and its even harder when you are used to being intimate EVERY day sometimes 2-3 times a day for 18 months! and then nothing for almost 2 weeks now!

its has caused me to gain 10 lbs since the breakup-which i dont understand because the last time we had problems i lost 20 lbs but i guess thats because we were still living toeghter and having sex but not getting along but this time its real hes not here and we dont communicate anymore

ive tried couseling for months and depression meds but that doesnt help

only time will help the crying and the yearning and missing the ex

[rcaliguy]

i'm sorry to hear that Alexa. so he never told you as to why he left or anything? i'm asking b/c that's what i did. i left but came right back. i have been dealing with some family issues and also stress from work and school and my plate just got too full; to the point where i collapsed. i later tried explaining my actions and what happened. we even saw a therapist but it's hard to reestablish the trust that was broken. it's going to be three weeks since our breakup on thursday. i still miss her and love her very much. i've been using this time to work on my issues and do some personal growth. i already feel different...now i just have to prove and show her that i honestly made a mistake and that my love for her is pure. that'll take time...whether we're able to get back together or not will be something different. i know she'll always be in my life, i'm just not sure what role she'll play. i, of course, hopes she plays the role of a life partner. but either way, this experience has made both of us better. with a lot of pain and breaking down comes regrowth...growth and experience makes people better. (as long as one learns from the experience that is). i've already promised myself that i would and i honestly can't let myself down anymore. i owe it to myself and the people that i love.

[alexa137]

no i dont know really the real reason he left--but today made it all really worse-my friend told me she saw him at circuit city sunday with that girl-she says shes ugly and i look better though--but hearing that really hurt me--ive been crying ever since--i just don know sometimes how to go on--i feel i will be hurt forever--its miserable

i still want to know what she has that i dont, whay made him choose her over me after all weve been through and all he told me

i noticed he has been logging online(which he used to do to see if i was, but he didnt say anything to me) dont know if he will and if he does i dont know what to say--most likely he will just ask how i am etc... since we havent had any contact for 2 weeks(the longest!)

last time it was like a week and he started looking for me online to chat

well right now i am so mad and fustrated and depressed and alot of things

i HATE him--for ruining my life--

i still want to know alot of things from him that are bugging me

i just dont know what to do

i kinda want revenge--**** he dirving aroun in my jeep(both our names are on the title) and i am sure the other slut is in there too!

i just want to piss on it or flatten the tires or some kind of revenge!

[rcaliguy]

sorry to hear that alexa. the fact that he's with another girl probably doesn't mean anything. the fact of the matter is that you two spent a long time together. i'm sure he thinks about you and so on. he might simply be confused and is just trying to figure things out. people do things some times just to occupy their minds. my ex for example, has been spending a lot of time with some guy. we had actually met him before they started talking. he takes her out and shows her places and such. and for as much as i hate to think that they've hooked up...i try not to. it's not productive of me to think about that. we have a dog and i have been coming by on saturday's to see her, the dog. only that the three of us end up going to the beach or out to get lunch. i know she's trying to "be friends" but it's hard when you love the person. like i had mentioned...i'm not sure what is going or not happen between us. i know that focusing on the negative will not be productive on my end. i'm the one who called it off and now she doesn't want us to be together. i know she's hurting and is in a lot of pain. but she's simply going out and having fun right now trying to occupy her mind. i know that sooner or later she'll figure things out...she's figure out whether she wants to try again or not. in the mean time, i've been focusing on myself and figuring out what makes me happy. aside from her of course. if you have lots of free time, try taking some sort of class...anything that you think you might find interesting. (a hobby, something). just stay busy! go to the gym, whatever it takes! just don't use your energy on getting revenge. it'll only make you feel worse. like you, i'm in a fairly new area as well. i've only been in orange county for about a year or so and a lot of my time right now is spent at work and school. that gives me a lot of time for thinking but i also maintain busy. it helps, trust me!

[alexa137]

i was trying so hard and t hought i was doing pretty good-but over the weekend i started realizing that i may never see or talk to him again-this is the first time its gone this long-and its hurtso damn much--like i was just changing my sheets to a diffrent one and saw his slober marks on the pillowcase--i broke down-then i found some stuffed animals he won me at an amusement park--it so hard bcause he was my first for alot of things and i feel since it took 7 years to find him that my future will really suck because i dont want no one else=-

i have even downloaded the ebook "how to get your ex back" and i guess i still want closure--it is wrong to want to know why he left, why he choose her over me? what i did wrong? because its killing me becaise last time we talked(sept 26th) he has me meet him in the park to exhange back pictures and a few other things, he said he loves me he misses everything i did for him and thinks about me alot, he got mad when he saw a pic of some guy i took a pic with at a outdoor concert( i just thought he was cute and he signed a cd) and he threw my phone! i said you have some nerve! youve got another girl pregnant! see he cheated on me and weve been going through tough times since march! i forgave him and took him back since he begged me and said you cant leave me i need you i will marry you right now--i was devastated but i gave him another chance...but when i tried that trick on him when i got pregnant and he mvoed out it didnt work--we still had sex for a month or so even though he lived with his aunt but could never do anything else with me like we used to and it made me so mad! but now to hear that he is out with the other chick depresses me even more!

i dont think counseling or medicine will help--no one and no medicine will every help me stop crying every day and missing him

its hard to stay busy because both my jobs are on the computer so i find my mind wondering alot

i wish i could move and start all over but low income single mom its difficult!

[rcaliguy]

wow, there's a lot more there than i thought. i'm sorry to hear that alexa.

 

i'm glad to say that i'm feeling a lot better. i still miss her very much. (it's been three weeks now). i'm suprised with myself as to how much growth i feel like i've done in the past couple of weeks. i was talking to my dad yesterday, and i was telling him about everything that i had been feeling and how i feel now. he said, "wow son, sounds like you're maturing...sometimes it takes losing a loved one to feel the strength of love and it definetely makes you appreciate it a lot more...also, not take it for granted...you'll grow and be a better person b/c of what you've been through."

 

this time alone has given me a lot of time to sort things out and figure out what i want out of life. i'll admit that i wasn't 100% sure and that caused a lot of the issues that i finally had to face and deal with.

[alexa137]

well today he instant messaged me at work--i waited he just asked how i was-i lied and said good and u? we ended up chatted for almost 2 hours and basically h was saying hes with her because shes pregnant but he still loves me and thinks about me alot wondered if i look at his pics told him ive been throwing away stuff--he didnt answer my questiosns though like why he choose her over me, what she has that i dont etc....

just tryingto get closure so i can move on and i need to know why

he answers were i dont know!

he didnt say if he loved her

he did say he loves me and tthinks about the times we had etc

he started talking about sex but i tried to avoud it

he said he wanted to see me

i was like are you crazy you are with her! no contact until you choose me!

he wanted to call i said no

he tried to call i didnt answer

and he keeps logging on but i am signed in under another name so he doesnt know i am online but i know when he is

 

its such a dramatic game with us but i told him to say anthing now because we really araent togoether its been 2 weeks sonce the last time i saw him(seems so much longer)

it seems like everytime i start to recoperate he finds a way to talk to me!

he said he also was driving her car--my friend said she saw him in a black car and he has my gray jeep

i was devastated--really coming to light thats hes with her

i guess i will never understand why he choose her i just said goodbye he couldnt answer when i asked him like 5 times if he was happy?

told him hope ur happy and she makes u happ because i could have made you happier than anything, what comes around goes around!

and i sihned off

[rcaliguy]

yep, you've definetely got more going on your side than i do on mine. i'm really sorry to hear of everything that's going on. because of your situation, i would advise you to simply cut all ends with him. be sure to change the title on your car. he's got too many things going on. he's with the girl he got pregnant and tells you that he still loves you. from a man's point of view...he is definetely confused. plus, you're only hurting yourself by hearing everything that he's telling you. just leave him alone and focus on yourself. work on youself and figure out what makes you happy. everything else will surely fall into it's place. i hope you feel better. just remember to be strong. i know it's a lot easier to say than to do. (i'm still struggling with it). but just hang in there...you'll see.