depression lonileness and NC

[Goodin]

Hi everyone - Well it has been 8 days since NC with my ex-gf and I am not doing well at all. We "broke up" about 3 months ago after I called off her moving in with me and we have been trying to work it out every since but decided to call it quits for good last week. The break up was my fault because I was not sure about the relationship and what I wanted (although I really love and care about her). I have been dealing with a bout of severe depression for about 4 months now which has clouded my judgement and caused me to make bad decisions about our relationship and to go back and forth with her. This time it is done for good and she wants nothing to do with me anymore and she is already pursuing other love interests.

 

I am extremely depressed and lonely over this situation. I really miss her and feel like I screwed up but I know that it is over now and there is no turning back. Maybe it is for the best in the long run but I am having a hard time dealing with the breakup coupled with depression and loneliness in a new city I recently moved to. I could not get out of bed this morning so I missed part of work. All I can think of is her and how I could have done things differently so our relationship would work. Then I realize there is no going back and it is almost too much to handle. I have been having increasing thoughts of death lately. I really could use some support!

[directx]

I'm worried about your thoughts of death. But the fact you talked about it is a good sign I think.

 

It's tough. Everyone goes through it. And you are strong enough to get through it too.

 

I think you are losing your perspective and thats understandable. Why don't you sit back and think of how things will change for the better.

 

For example, realize now you can snare a girl that will do things and be things the other girl was not. And it will kind of exciting to get some fresh meat, don't you think?

 

Have you leaned on some friends at least? Even tried meeting other girls?

[Goodin]

Thanks directx - It is just hard to think of other girls because she was so great. She was the best girlfriend I have ever had (plus we had amazing sex) which makes the breakup even harder. Plus I am in no condition to date right now...no girl wants a depressed guy with emtional baggage. I am just trying to deal with being ok with being alone...which I am finding hard to do right now. I lean on my friends some but I dont want to bore them to death...they dont know how really depressed I am. And I dont really have any close friends here...I talk to my family daily which helps, but I dont have anyone where I live that I can open up to in person.

 

I really want to see how this will change for the better...but the only thing that comes to my head is the loneliness, remorse, and fear of seeing her out or her friends which I know will happen soon. It is hard enough being lonely but going out and being ignored and scorned just adds to the pain. Also, I don't think I will find a better mate for me. When will I start thinking positive?! How long does this coping take?! What can I do..I am desperate to get out of this mental state.

[marlena]

I have been dealing with a bout of severe depression for about 4 months now which has clouded my judgement and caused me to make bad decisions about our relationship and to go back and forth with her. This time it is done for good and she wants nothing to do with me anymore and she is already pursuing other love interests.

 

 

 

Here is the crux of the matter. The going back and forth. This is something no healthy person would tolerate. You cannot leave and enter a relationship at a whim or whenever your thinking gets clouded. It takes work to stick to a relationship through thick and thin. This is probably what tired her and she decided she had had enough of this in and out situation which must have put a great strain on her own feelings.

 

My opinion is that you should talk to her openly about your depression. Explain to her why your behavior was so erratic. But before you do that, you must try to get to the roots of your own erratic behaviour. Only then will you be able to give her the security and stability that are very important components of any serious, long - lasting relationship. I am not convinced that a serious relationship is what you want ...or even if you are ready, emotionally and mentally speaking , for one.

 

Once you stabilize your feelings and maturely define your needs, them try to talk to her. At this point, she must very distrustful. You have lost your credibility and it will be hard to convince her otherwise. But it's well worth a try, not so much for your her sake, but your own.

[Goodin]

Marlena - At this point it is not a matter of trying to get her back because there is no way that is possible. She told me not to call her ever again and she doubts we can ever be friends. So I have to deal with that. Maybe in a few months she will be calmed down enough to have a phone conversation. She knows about my depression and said she would stick with me through but I felt like it was something I had to go through alone. I am regretting that and how I handled it in the end I am in much remorse about. She thinks I am crazy now.

 

Maybe I wasnt ready for a serious relationship, or it was moving too fast,,honestly my head is so clouded right now I dont know what to think.

 

Anyway...I guess I need some help coping with this and some strategies for moving on. I really feel like I cant get through this most of the time...like I am swimming for the surface but not getting anywhere.

[marlena]

Anyway...I guess I need some help coping with this and some strategies for moving on. I really feel like I cant get through this most of the time...like I am swimming for the surface but not getting anywhere.

 

Goodin,

 

 

Instead of kicking those arms and legs, why not just float fora while? Resting on the waters, being quiet and still, may get you to shore. Remember at times like these, the worst thing you can do is panic. Stop, look at the sky above and try to find some sense of peace and from that peace draw strength. She will see that one day perhaps.

 

I've also told my ex who has tried in the last three months to initiate a conversation with me that I do not want him to contact me again. I also think he is crazy ..a man suffering from many anxieties and issues. I miss him but I will not go back. And you know why? Because he hasn't convinced that he is in a stronger, healthier place. He too made some bad moves, driven by his own demons.

 

And though I would love to see him again, I WILL NOT until I am convinced that he has become a healthier, stronger and more mature individual.

 

I suspect that your X is feeling a lot of these emotions. You need to establish a sense of trust. You need to prove yourself to her. I don't know if this can be done. Just as I don't know if my X could ever make me feel secure enough to want to give things a second chance.

 

You and only you hold the answers.

[Goodin]

Thank you Marlena - That is very good advice. I have cried for the past 8 days...I want to just tread water but I feel like I cant...right now I just want hope that I will be able to do that soon. I can't stop thinking about her and what I could have done different. I hope these thoughts go away soon.

 

It sounds like me and your ex have alot in common! haha (but not really that funny). Maybe he is missing you and feeling remorse the way I am about my ex and you can find comfort in that. Im sure it is not easy for him. I hope that some day my ex can know that the pain I caused her was not intentional and I have not been my true self for the past several months. I dont think there will ever be hope for us but I would like forgiveness at least. I never meant to hurt her.

 

This is a different situation because I am the one responsible for the failed relationship but I am the one that cant seem to get over the pain. She is moving on just fine. I hope this gets easier soon.

[marlena]

Maybe he is missing you and feeling remorse the way I am about my ex and you can find comfort in that. Im sure it is not easy for him. I hope that some day my ex can know that the pain I caused her was not intentional and I have not been my true self for the past several months. I dont think there will ever be hope for us but I would like forgiveness at least. I never meant to hurt her.

 

I have no doubt that he is missing me as much as I am missing him BUT I am moving on in my own head. I am not dating or seeing anyone else. To me at this crucial point, moving on means breaking away emotionally from the hold he has over my heart and thoughts. I am determined to do this! I have done it before in a marriage even.

 

I am sure it wasn't easy for him to let go of his ego and contact me...This however is not enough.

 

You may have certain similarities with my ex but unlike you he expressed no remorse or even an inuendo that he had any responsibilty for the break up. He said,"You are wrong and unfair." I sensed he was stupidly trying to manipulate me once again. He should have known better by now. I wrote,"I will not allow anyone to walk in and out of my life. I cannot be friends with someone who has disrespected me "

 

Obviously, he has not turned within himself to search for answers.

 

Unlike him, you are taking some responsibilty for what has happened... It is a good start. Do not rush things to get her back into your life. Explore what it is that is disabling you from achieving your goal. Stop tripping all over yourself! Sometimes we are our own worst enemies. Take the time to recover .. to heal ...and stregthen.

 

On a more practical level, when you find yourself in a stronger place, find ways to show her that you have ... if she still cares, she will pick up on that...if it is not too late for the both of you. Even if it should ultimately come to that, you will be in a better place for yourself ...and all those who cross your path in the future

[Curious139]

I'm worried that you are depressed. The breakup will exaggerate those feelings and you need help. Have you been to a doctor? Any medication? I strongly recommend counselling to work on why the depression arises.

 

Depression is both chemical and psychosomatic. In other words our brains have an imbalance of neurotransmitting chemicals which meds can adjust. As well there is often some trauma or event in your past life which is affecting your adult view of the world. Virtually everyone has this but for some it leads to depression.

 

Keep posting here, it is great support.

[marlena]

Yes,

 

I agree with Curious! You might want to seek some professional help with this. Although I am not a believer in meds, there are times (hopefully temporarily) when they are needed!

[Spinderella]

You sound a lot like me in many of my past relationships. Looking at life through the distorted view of depression and trying to make decisions, is just very, very hard. One minute things may seem one way, and the next everything, and everyone is completely different (or how it was for me, anyway) causing alot of confusion.

I think it is also very important to remember, you are still depressed, and so of course it looks as though you f'd things up and have irreparably ruined your life and it will NEVER be any good again. Break ups are hard at the best of times, of course, and these are many natural break up reactions, but your state of mind needs to be sorted out, before you can see this clearly.

Decisions, are decisions, you do what you do at the time, and you are usually aiming for the percieved best possible choice, in the circumstances as you percieve them. So really, how can you blame yourself, if you were not intending to hurt anybody?

So what messed things up? State of mind, and whats still messing you up? State of mind, so its apparent that you need to do something about your state of mind! Some people think meds are fantastic, and they really help some people. Personally, I never took them but I did ALOT of work on changing my negative thought patterns.

[Amy12345678]

Try to make some new friends if you're lonely, try to make sure you get out at least once a day, even if it's only to buy some milk, focus on the good things, like you won't always feel like this and it will get better, and you haven't always felt like this, you are capable of being happy. You just have to try to find the good things, take pleasure in the small things. I know it's hard and sometimes you won't even want to bother to try, i've been there, but you have to believe in yourself and cling on to the good times.

 

If in a morning you can't get up, maybe you could lie in bed and read, the small things make all the difference. Just don't lose hope.

[Goodin]

I appreciate all the good advice. I have been seeing a therapist for about three months now...I would have good days (or weeks) and bad days (or weeks) and my depression depended on how good or bad our relationship was going. It was and mostly still is the center point of my thoughts. My therapist is very helpful and gives great advice to change my thought patterns but I guess I have a hard time doing it. She says right now I am going through relationship withdrawls that might take several weeks to get over. She recommended that I get on meds again. I tried taking 10mg of Lexipro one time but I had bad symptoms so I quit taking it. Im going to try a lower dose of something else.

 

I have been making a strong effort to make new friends and I went out last night and had a decent time. I really have to force myself to have conversations with people and be happy but I am trying. Getting back to my empty house and waking in the middle of the night and morning is the most painful time. I am afraid I will have a breakdown when I see her out for the first time..especially if she is with another guy.

 

I haven't told anyone this but I might deep down have a death wish...when I am driving I have thoughts of smashing into telephone poles...basically a feeling that I would be better of dead...I know I wouldnt act on that but those thoughts come up in my head and it scares me. I haven't told my therapist this.

[marlena]

I haven't told anyone this but I might deep down have a death wish...when I am driving I have thoughts of smashing into telephone poles...basically a feeling that I would be better of dead...I know I wouldnt act on that but those thoughts come up in my head and it scares me. I haven't told my therapist this.

 

I am just wondering why you haven;t told the therapist this. Are you embarassed to? Well, don't be. Most of us say "I wish I were dead" when the emotions wracking our mind and body are too overwhelming. Of course we don't really mean it or else we would go through with it.

 

Yes, you are going through relationship withdrawal symptoms. You just have to suffer through this period until things start to get better. And you know that they will. Time is a great healer ( I know you are sick of hearing this) but it is true. It is far too early to expect yourself to be over it. Just recognize that what is happening to you is normal ...and temporary.

 

Do not think of the "if onlys". There aren't any. Wasting your energy over hypothetical possibilities is non - productive and well, simply useless. It's like wishing the sky were green. Things happened the way they did and probably for a good reason.

 

The break up was my fault because I was not sure about the relationship and what I wanted (although I really love and care about her).

 

Could it be that deep down you didn't really want the relationship? Or any relationship for that matter? Did you see it as something complicating your life? Did it worsen or help with your depression?

 

I'd say your major problem is combating your depression and not the breakup per se. If you were a stronger, happier person perhaps then ..and only then...do you stand a chance of fixing things with your ex. It must have been hard for your ex too. It isn't easy to be with someone who is chronically depressed.

 

Have you and your therapist gotten to the root of your depression? If you have, then, maybe you can change whatever it is that is causing this condition that has so negaticvly affected your life. Often if we look hard enough, we can see what it is that is causing our depression.

 

Just trying to understand.

[nemo28]

Hi. I'm new here. Reading Goodin's post has brought back alot of memories for me.. I was in a relationship with my ex (5 years) and I was suffering from depression. I saw a therapist and was on anti depressents also and my ex said he would stick with me through thick and thin. I was very indecisive about everything and realise i must have been a complete night mare to live with, I kept ending things and then regretting it, he like a saint always understood and took me back until the last time it happened, hence the fact he is now my ex. From reading some of the replies here i realise that he became fed up with this unhealthy behaviour and decided enough was enough.. maybe i was seeing how far i could push him.. All i know is that its 6 months now since we were last together, he doesn't speak to me anymore and has a new g/f which is so hard for me.. I am not interested in meeting anyone else and spend my time crying and pining for my ex and wishing and praying that he will come back to me. I have not tried to contact him for the last 4 months but we work in the same company (different departments, different towns sometimes), so one day a few weeks back i went up to talk to him and he walked away which hurt like hell.How can i show him that i really want him now if he won't even talk to me? I have learnt alot of the last 6 months and realise now that he is the one i want to be with.. Have I lost him forever?

[marlena]

Nemo,

Sorry you are feeling so low! Yes, the lessons we learn too late are often the hardest. Yes, few people can deal with someone who is constantly depressed especially if he/she refuses to help himself/herself. It is too much of an emotional toll.

 

Why not start your own thread about your problem? There are plenty of good people who will give you their kind support and advice.

[Goodin]

I appreciate all your helpful advice Marlena. Yes I am embarrased and alittle scared about telling my therapist about the death thoughts...I am afraid if I tell her she will be like "hold on a sec" and go call the insane asylum and have me forcefully comitted or something. I might tell he next week if the thoughts are still persistent.

 

I think the depression might be chemical because I dont feel I have been truly happy for years...but recent events have made it worse...I bought my first house after getting a substantial raise at work, then I moved in and got lonely and overwhelmed by all that is involved in owning a house (by myself!), and I am not enthusiastic or motivated with my job...other than the pay, and then a failed relationship is icing on the cake. More deep down issues are lack of self confidence and decision making skills which feed the depression...or the depression feeds them? I dunno. I have a tendancy to overanalyze and second guess everything which brings me unhappiness. So I think I have a handle on what causes my depression, but dealing with it is hard for me. Right now I am focusing on healing from the break-up.

 

As for the situation with my ex...I did not have that raw knock me off my feet emotions when we met but I gave it a chance because she was so great and we got along so well and had fun together...then I became dependent on her for my hapiness which I knew I was doing and had a hard time dealing with and probably prevented me from growing my love and having a healthy approach to the relationship, no matter how much I wanted it to work and be healthy. So I think my mental state has prevented me from having a good relationship with her...or anyone for that matter. So I need to get happy before I can love someone I do believe.

[marlena]

Goodin,

Let me share something with you. About four years ago, after my breakup with a man I loved oh so passionately for five very happy years, I too wanted to die. I simply did not have the will to open up my eyes and face the new day ahead. I was in self destructive mode and could barely breathe let alone do the dishes,go shopping, see friends etc....I would go for days without even bathing.

 

Like you I would overanalyze and run through the same footage again and again until I even got tired of seeing the same film play in my head again and again. I was obssessing and making myself sick over it.

 

So, one day I told my doctor that I didn't want to live anymore. She looked at me and said, "OK, then! Fine! Just promise me you won't do it for a year. If at the end of that year, you still want to do yourself in, I will personally help you do it."

 

Guess what? That's right! A year later I was feeling oh so much better and wondered to myself what the hell I was thinking back then. Needless to say, my doctor was thrilled that she didn't need to become an accomplice to murder!!!

 

You say you have no self - confidence but that is not what I sense fromyour posts. You do! You just won't allow yourself to see it. Be proud of your new abode - it is an accomplishment.

[rcaliguy]

WOW! reading the posts by Goodin is like reading my own thoughts. my gf and i just split up 2 weeks ago after an almost 4 year relationship. i would go through a lot of the same feelings; second guessing myself, leave to only want nothing more but to be back with her. i was seeing my therapist before the split up trying to sort out my parents divorce after 25 years. (i'm 25 btw). i have a lot of resentment and hate issues toward my mother. a lot of that carried over to my relationship. i've figured out what the root of the problem is now. so i'm slowly trying to deal with it. i had a lot of the same thoughts while driving, maybe doing something bad to myself. wondering, would she even show up to my funeral and such? i quickly came off that. it's not productive to use energy and focus on such things. use your energy to focus on yourself. i too am dealing with depression issues (no meds as of yet). you need to focus on yourself and what makes you happy, WITHOUT that other person. i know it sounds a lot easier than actually doing it. i still have times when i cry and get sad but then slowly realize that it's not good for myself. the hard thing is to take what's going on and focus on yourself. i try to stay busy, talk to friends, do some studying, walk down to the beach, whatever it might be...but focus on myself. it's been really difficult but i can already tell and see a difference in myself. granted i'm not nearly where i think i should be, BUT i'm at least heading in the right direction. i know she's going out and talking to guys and it kills me but using up energy thinking about that and what she might be up to is useless...you're letting yourself give up. focus, focus and focus some more on yourself. figure out what makes you happy and everything else will be sure to follow. i'm doing just that and like i said am already doing a lot better. i still love her a lot and miss her like nothing else...but again, i/you need to work on yourself. reading this thread is really helpful too. i thought/feel like i was alone and was the only one suffereing from this. thanks everyone for the awesome advice. especially you Marlena. (you're oh so wise) =)

[marlena]

Rcali,

 

focus, focus and focus some more on yourself. figure out what makes you happy and everything else will be sure to follow. i'm doing just that and like i said am already doing a lot better. i still love her a lot and miss her like nothing else...but again, i/you need to work on yourself.

 

No, Rcali, I am not wise ...just wiser ..... and like everyone else everything I learned I learned the hard away. Those hard - learned lessons were the most valuable ones. I am still learning. Just better at it now.

 

Still learning ..

[rcaliguy]

sometimes it's not enough knowing things but actually experiencing them first hand and in the raw form. i'm learning things now as we speak and you're right, that is what makes one wiser. it's really hard to no longer have her at my side but this is definetely a hard leason learned. i'm a lot better from what happened. i'm learning to develop a different perspective on life, not only with those who i interact with but most importantly with myself. i know that i'll be okay in the long run. i'll eventually feel a lot better and i'll be able to function without breaking down with immense pain from the lose. and i've already make the conscience decision to not make the same mistakes again. i know someone will be very fortunate to have me as part of their life. it's a shame that things didn't workout with my ex. i love and appreciation i have for her is none of which i've felt before. i took a lot for granted. i don't beat myself over it, i just take what i've learned and carry it with me. this is personally the first time i've lost a love. it is BY FAR the worst feeling EVER. it really made me grow up and realize a lot about myself. i wasn't happy with myself before and i know that carried over to my relationship. i have to be happy with myself, bottom line.

 

Goodin, you need to develop that confidence that exists inside of you and make it show. i bet you'll be able to see the difference simply in the way that you feel people look at you. be strong and work on yourself, stay focused on bettering yourself. i wasn't eating, sleeping, i simply didn't care and then it just hit me..."wait a minute, i wouldn't want to be with myself either" i'd want to be with someone who is trustworthy, confident, honest, dependable, and happy. THAT is what made me see the light. it's a long and hard process but you have to start somewhere...so start now!

[funkybassplayer]

dont ever dscount anything in life, and shes like that cos shes hurting too, and its her way of coping, but none the less, it is what it is. She will get some1 but it wont be right. The main thing is you, and you look after yourself, and feel all you have to. We all hit a low place, and its from that place that we can learn and grow from, and become a stronger person. There is no such thing as you cocked up, it just happened, relationships end all the time for whatever reason, but the outcome is the same, your not together any more, but for now, just look after you, she'll be dating, but you will be healing, and be true to you and your feelings.

[Goodin]

Wow Caliguy it looks like we are in the same situation. Is there any hope of getting back with your ex? Or do you want to? How long has it been since the split?

 

I am feeling better today. She called me last night which took me completely off guard. The reason she called was because one of her friends told her she saw me out with another girl wed. night and that we were holding hands. So my ex called me to figure out if that was true or not and it wasnt so I told her that it wasnt which made her feel better. I was out with a female friend of mine that night which I have no interest in other than friends and we were definetly not holding hands...Im not sure if her friend made that up or really thought we were holding hands, I almost think her friend saying that was some vindictive mind game to make her dislike me more or something, anyway...guess it doesnt matter.

 

So we talked for 2 hours and had a really good conversation so we are on better terms now. I was able to explain myself better about how i cant make good decisions right now because of depression and told her how much I missed her these 9 days and that I loved her. I asked if at this point if there was any hope of us getting back together in the future when I can stand on my own and begin to come out of this depression...she said definetly not now but maybe in a few months if I take this time apart and still have healthy feelings of love (and not neediness) then there is a chance and I would have to prove it to her. She said she is not planning on dating anyone for several months (nor am I) so that made me feel good;) She seemed positive about giving it a go in a few months, so we will see hopefully we both will be able to do that.

 

It was very nice to talk to her but now I am sad again and really really miss her. I will need to force myself to not call her for a few months..ugh that will be so hard!

 

Caliguy I too have issues from my parents bitter divorce that happened when I was in high school...a 17 year old should not have to hold his mother while she cries about her cheating husband (my dad). These issues I think are holding me back from commitments because that really left a mental scar for me that I am just now dealing with (I am 28).

[Goodin]

also caliguy if you ever need someone to talk to hit me up! we have the same breakup it seems!

[rcaliguy]

hey goodin, thanks for the invite. yeah...seems like we have a lot in common. we just broke up on September the 20th. just over two weeks now. i would like to get back together. i really don't see it happening any time soon...maybe in months if at all. there's a lot that i still need to figure out. i think that's why she decided that this time would be for good. like you and your ex, we still talk. it's hard because we both live the same city and we have a dog. the past two Saturdays, i've been coming over to take our pug out to the beach. it's been nice because my ex has also came along and it's almost like we're a family again during those times. i try not to get my hopes up but i can't help but thinking that we'll be able to work things out. i know that if we do, she's definitely the person i'd love to be with for the rest of my life. i love her and the pain that i get from being away from her is too intense. but either way i know i'm better. going through what i've been through lately is something i'll take along with me forever. a lot of the issues i have are issues that i needed to focus on before but i always kept them inside. i was honest with her and with myself. part of the process that i'm working on. i try really hard not to talk to her and give her her space (as i need mine as well) but it's just so hard. and same here Goodin, if you ever want to talk or just reflect thoughts off one another, i'm here. i must say, it's a lot easier to deal with things knowing that i'm not alone with my thoughts or the thought that i might be the only person going through a hard break up.