Author Chiquita27 Posted October 16, 2007 Author Posted October 16, 2007 Thanks Jae! I was indeed feeling a bit better. I was doing my own thing and felt a bit disconnected from him. Didn't really think about what he would be doing and that kind of stuff. I don't know what way to turn now. I know I have to go on NC for a while for my own good but that's about it. Some advice would be nice....it's hard because sometimes I'm fine and then I fall on a hole that brings me thoughts about him. And I dont' know what to do with them.
jaelynne52 Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 It seems like you are already part of the way there. You can see that you need to be away from him now, and it seems like maybe you see that better than you did before...is that right, do you think? It's one thing to say you need to be away, and another to really believe it. I just reached a point where I was sick of feeling the way I did, sick of his excuses, sick of myself and my excuses...I realized being around him was what made me feel that way, so I HAD to distance myself, just to stay sane. The only other advice I have is to baby yourself. Whatever you want to do, OTHER than see him, do it, no matter how crazy it seems. Like I said before, my hardest habit to break was what to do when I got the urge to call him or write him. I had to find something to substitute it with. Instead of calling him, I call a friend, or just talk to myself. Instead of writing an email to him, I write an email to myself, or on here. I might even write it to him, and then just erase it, or save it deep in my hard drive where I'll be unlikely to try and find it again. I think the biggest help for me has been all the little conversations I have with myself, inside my head or out loud, if I know that there isn't anyone there to hear me. I think when your head is just filled with thoughts of HIM, the other you are trying to not think about, your thoughts get all jumbled and start going in circles. You think about him, and then you realize it, so you try to stop, and then you get frustrated, and you think of him again, and so on and so on. Once I stop and make myself think in sentences and thoughts, organize it all and make it make sense, it's easier to deal with. It's all still there, but now I know what it is. It's not just crowding my brain and making me miserable. There is something powerful about asking yourself a question, forcing yourself to answer it honestly, and then just accepting that that is your answer. I don't know. I wish that I had an easier answer, a pill that would make it all just go away, but I just have this. I can't guarantee that it'll work for you, but I'll offer whatever advice I have in the mean time...I hope it helps...
Author Chiquita27 Posted October 16, 2007 Author Posted October 16, 2007 Ok..Maybe if I write out exactly what I think right here it could help me. I have realized that between him and I, we are on completely different pages. For him the whole relationship is totally over and he's not willing to give it not even the slightest chance, yes he is working on how to be able to feel his emotions and taking risks at them but I have nothing to do with them. For me it's just us having time apart and deep down inside I feel like he's going to come back to me when he figures out all his issues. I only feel and think this way because I know him and although his words are saying one thing, his actions say something different. Now, he is very into meeting new people and dating and hanging out with girls and stuff like that, they may not mean much to him, but I think that's the way he battles his loneliness. When I think about this I feel like I never meant much to him and that's where my insecurities raise because I want to know if he's actually doing that already. See, what I'm doing now is thinking about how I feel when I'm around him...when we are together I feel a lot of anxiety, I am not very comfortable because I really watch what I do and say. The day we were together I didn't ask the whole other girl situation, but later on sent a txt message just asking if his doubts had to do with somebody else and if that was the case then I was really sorry for crossing the line. He replied that he just didn't want things to be harder for me but there was nobody else. I felt a little psycho when I sent that message, but I needed to know. I replied to him saying that things were hard already even if nothing happened and that I was sorry for putting him in that situation and that the last thing I wanted was for him to be upset because of that. He replied saying that it was all good. So accepting that he's over the relationship could be a step.....but somehow my brain and my heart fight that battle. I don't know how to stop my loving emotions towards him.....I don't know how to make myself not care anymore.....
jaelynne52 Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 My heart really breaks for you. I have no answer for you on how to stop loving, how to stop caring. I think that's just something that has to happen on it's own, and the more you try to force it, the harder it will be. I am still deeply in love with my ex. I sort of had the revelation this weekend that while I'm getting over the breakup, I'm not getting over him. I still love him with all my heart, it just hurts less that he's gone because I've accepted that it's necessary for him to be gone. I'm just trying to accept that I do love him, and that I will love him for as long as I need to. I don't want to love him, and I've even told him that the last time we talked, that I wish I could just get over him, but it's not that simple. It helps if I remind myself that the person I love isn't the same person who broke up with me. The person I love isn't the person who is depressed and confused. When I look at him, my heart breaks, but I can see that he isn't the same person I had a relationship with. I can see the confusion in his eyes, and the self confidence that I found so appealing isn't there. I still love who he is. I still want to be with him. But I remind myself that being with him right now wouldn't be the same as it was before I broke up with him. Can I ask you a question, Chiquita? If your guy came back to you, begging and pleading for you to take him back, could you trust him? I know it would be easy to say yes, and gladly embrace him and forgive everything. But do you think there would be a small part in the back of your brain constantly asking "Will he leave me again? Will he question this again? What has changed his mind? Is he being honest?" I think it's possible to forgive and go back to square one, but it takes an incredible amount of trust. I think the reason I can say I'm letting go of my relationship is because I know I don't have that trust right now. I don't trust him to know what he wants... I might be way of the mark, but that was the kicker for me. Trust is important, and once I stopped crying and really thought about it, I realized I didn't have it anymore. It breaks my heart to say that, but if I'm being honest with myself, I have to acknowledge it. Maybe it'll be different one day, but I sort of embrace my distrust today, because it helps me let go. It gives me a reason to care less, even if just a little.
Author Chiquita27 Posted October 16, 2007 Author Posted October 16, 2007 I think you chose the perfect words and you are absolutely right. I would have an extremely hard time trusting him because I will always be afraid of him doing it again. At this point I don't trust him anymore, I doubt everything he says, I question every single move and every single word. He has shown me to be very unstable and as much as I love him and want to be with him, I know a relationship with somebody like that would only cause me anxiety all the time. You are right when you say that the person that he was isn't there anymore. I fell in love with a different guy and the memories of him make him love him and long for his presence in my life. But in reality he has changed..... See this is my brain writing......I just wish my heart and my brain were in synch. Thanks for your insight....reading you helps more than you can imagine.
jaelynne52 Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 Yeah, it's hard to get your heart to see the new person your brain sees. You sort of have to allow yourself to miss him while still not letting it overwhelm you. It's a strange balance, and sometimes I'm still not too comfortable with it. But every time my heart tells me I want to be with him, I remind myself that there is still a lot of work that both he and myself would have to do first before anything could work out between us. I'll let myself cry a little, get angry at my own logic, but still be firm...It's weird, like I'm my own mom or something. Hang in there, Chiquita. It'll come to you, how best to work through this for yourself. Everyone is different...I'm glad my support can hold you through until then though. Keep writing...I got lonely after I didn't hear from you for a few days!! I thought maybe you were doing so great you didn't need LoveShack anymore!
Author Chiquita27 Posted October 16, 2007 Author Posted October 16, 2007 Tee-hee...No I just got really busy at work and I didn't have time to log on here. But I missed you and your advice so much......don't worry......I won't leave you again For as long as you need me I'll be here......well.......it looks like I need you more than you need me...but at least you get to write your progress as well.
Author Chiquita27 Posted October 16, 2007 Author Posted October 16, 2007 Do you mind if I ask you something?..... I always wonder how old you are.....if you don't mind me asking......
jaelynne52 Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 I'll send it to you in a private message...I don't really feel comfortable posting it here. I think you just became an established member, so you'd have to enable it. If not, no big deal...
Author Chiquita27 Posted October 17, 2007 Author Posted October 17, 2007 I enabled it and sent you a message. Last night I went to the coffee shop to read for a while.....I felt good doing something I truly enjoy. Ex called while I was there but I didn't pick up. He left a message saying what he was going to do and that he was going to be around to talk. I never called back.....later on like around 12 he called again......I thought something had happened because normally he doesn't really insist. So I picked up....but he was ok, he just wanted to chat for a while but I wasn't feeling well and I said I wasn't feeling much for talking. He said he'll let me go and then I said maybe I wanted to talk about me because we always talk about him. So I told him about my work for a little while then he said he was driving and that he had to go. I never know what to make of convos like that. I guess they don't mean anything. I think I sounded annoyed that I had to talk to him. I wasn't really planning to and he sensed it....then I feel guilty for not being nice and pleasant. And I feel like I have to explain myself to him. Today I stayed home...work has been quite stressful and I think I needed a break before I have some sort of breakdown.
jaelynne52 Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 Yeah, it's good to take a break when you start to feel overwhelmed. That's one thing I wish I would have done when I went through my breakup (not that you are taking a day off because of that, but eh.) I didn't want to be stuck at home with my loneliness, so I tried to charge through. It wasn't until I finally took a vacation that I realized I probably caused myself more harm than good. I sort of had a little emotional breakdown on my day alone. I wouldn't feel bad about not being pleasant. You have every right to your emotions, no matter what they are. Besides, it shows that you care by the fact that you took the second call. What do you think about him calling you? Do you think he had an ulterior motive? It seems kind of odd that he would be so insistent, like you said...
Author Chiquita27 Posted October 17, 2007 Author Posted October 17, 2007 See last night I noticed I was being extremely rude to my mother and she said something about letting all my emotions out otherwise I was going to explode and my relationships with other people were going to get damaged by my rude behaviour. She was right, stress from work, my breakup, the fact that I feel confused and sometimes lonely can be very overwhelming so today I decided to rest and be lazy. Luckily I didn't get too sad by the fact that I didn't have much to do. My manager was really concerned about my well being and that made me feel like I was important to somebody. I know it's silly but it did feel good. I think my ex only called because he wanted to talk about himself...I kinda wasn't too interested in his stuff last night and he noticed it. And I said, "we never talk about me"...and I think that kinda bothered him. I don't think he had any other motives behind the call. He even gave me his whole schedule for the upcoming weeks, and he said he will be extremely busy. Maybe that meant that he won't be contacting me or seeing me for long. I don't know. I guess is good that he's busy....He likes to be that way and as long as he feels ok with that I don't worry too much about him. He said "oh now you are too good to answer my calls?....I thought that was funny"
jaelynne52 Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 It sounds like you need an outlet for all your stress. I'm lucky in having a cat I can whine to, and she whines right back. When that doesn't work, I go for long walks and take it out on my body. One good thing about my breakup: I've lost a ton of weight and I'm probably in the best shape that I've been in in years!! All the nervous energy of wanting to call him and get in touch is used up in other ways... It's good for him to think that you aren't just sitting around waiting for him to call. I'm glad you were able to make him wonder a bit when you didn't answer the first time...
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