Basupp Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 SO Monday we had a disagreement that led to a very serious talk. I have been spending many nights there (maybe stayed at my place 3 nights in the past 3 months). I had bought things to make his place nice and paid fro food and cleaned. I did the laundry and other things. He often works 16 hour days. I did not mind. He told me maybe I should spend more time at my place. Also he loves me but does not know if he is love with me. That floored me. I took off of work Tuesday to spend time packing stuff. He wanted to know where I was going! I also told me he loved me. I spent the night at my place. One argument I have had with him in the past is that he is still a member of an online dating sevice. We have been togther for 14 months. I can accross it on his computer and we talked about it. He claims he was bored. Well Yesterday I actually checked it out and he is on 2 sites both updated in the last 3 months and one active in the last 9 days! to me this is cheating! I went and took everything from his house that was mine. He was hurt by it. I love him so much and still want to be with him. Also his ex's call all the time! I hate it. He knows it but still they call and he does not tell them to stop. Now he is making me feel quilty about everything. I want to work this out. Wehad good times. I just do not know what to do.
PrincessBOT Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 Please read my thread in Coping (it is called 29, Coping, but don't think I can ever look at another man). You will see my ex said almost the same exact thing about at almost the same time the relationship. I was so mad at myself for the last 3 months for not leaving as soon as he said those words. Why? Because he meant it. If you are like me you are giving him the benefit of the doubt and thinking it will change. If your ex is anything like mine, he is using it to his advantage while he detaches himself. Proof...The fact that your ex is still on the dating service. But if his feeling were to change it would be because you both would have to be willing to work on the relationship. However it seems like he looking for the next relationship. Every situation is different, but take him at his word and hold him to his actions.
Author Basupp Posted October 4, 2007 Author Posted October 4, 2007 He did not want me to leave Tuesday. That does not make sence. Also he was so angry I took everything. I bought alot. Right down to the sheets on the bed! He claims that is not what he wanted. I said we need to go back to dating. And talking things out. I just want to run back to him! I will read your post.
PrincessBOT Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 I really understand how you are feeling right now and I am sorry to hear it. I don't have a straight answer only what I experienced, which is similar to yours. You are there and can make a better judgment. He seems confused as my ex did. You may not see it but I think you taking a step back and pulling yourself out of his environment may be good. In hindsight, I would say don't go running back yet, because nothing is fixed. Take time to work through it and see if you can continue. If he loves you like he said then he will be there.
Author Basupp Posted October 5, 2007 Author Posted October 5, 2007 So yesterday he stopped by my place and stood there just holding my key. So I went and got him the small bag of things I had of his and gave him his key too. I told him I did not mean to hurt him, I never wanted to be the girl who would leave him. He really did not say anything and when I asked if we could talk he just shook his head "yes". When I asked when, he said whenever. He walked away and I told him that I still love him. He got into his car (he was working as a police officer) and left. about 10 minutes later I get a text from him. It said I love you too, I cannot talk to you right now I am upset. I respected that plus he is at work. I wrote him a very long note about things and asking him to think about what he wants. I dropped it off on his door this morning. Let see what happens.
Author Basupp Posted October 7, 2007 Author Posted October 7, 2007 He talked to me for 25 minutes yesterday but about work and stuff. I want to know what the @#@!$ he wants!
PrincessBOT Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 Hi again, It seems like he is going into friend mode, perhaps you two need to define exactly what it is that you are doing. Are you taking a break? Is it over? Are you friends or trying to be? My ex did the same thing after the relationship ended. He called and talked like we were friends, gave me updates on his job and his family and asked how mine was going. If I even remotely said something that had to deal with us the line went silent or he became preoccupied. By the way did I mention that my ex didn't actually initiate a break up, he just kept showing confusion about his feeling saying things like I love you, but I don't know how I love you, you are the best girl I have ever had I don't know why I feel this way, I don't know if I miss you like I should. (I am really hard on myself for not leaving after all that). Now I realize that he got worse as more time pass and I didn't end it, after all who would accept how he was acting toward me? He sure wouldn't have. In the end I was so fearful of the end and confused I didn't talk about his confused feeling, I figured as long as we were together we would be okay. I regret not talking about in the end because it allowed me to go into denial and the end was a shock as opposed to me opening my eyes and seeing it coming. Take that in consideration when you allow 25 minutes and no discussion of the two of you and what is going on or what you plan to do to work on things.
norajane Posted October 8, 2007 Posted October 8, 2007 Good for you for finally standing up for yourself and what's important to you! You want: - a bf who's not active on dating sites - a bf who is certain of his feelings for you - a bf who has enough consideration for your feelings to tell his exes to stop calling him - a bf who will talk and listen to you instead of making you feel guilty for actually having enough nerve to stand up for yourself Let him think about what's important to him. If it's you, he'll certainly tell you and show you.
Author Basupp Posted October 9, 2007 Author Posted October 9, 2007 I could not get though things if people did not say I was right. I do not want to regret things. I really just want to talk to him and I want to know what he is feeling. So I have tried to call and I know I should not but the easier said than done. I need closure. I think that is the least he owes me...I know he will miss me in a day or two when he has no toliet paper!
AriaIncognito Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 I discovered my ex on dating sites and active while I was still seeing him too. It's a huge red flag that he's the grass is greener sort. If he thinks it's greener, let him go find it. Odds are, you'll be the one being happy well before he ever will be.
Author Basupp Posted October 9, 2007 Author Posted October 9, 2007 Well I talked to him and said I hoped to work things out and he wants to know I would want to be with him. I told him that I love him. And I truely believe he is a good person. I asked if he loved me...he said yes...I asked if it was more than a friend and he said yes. I truely believe there is something yet to work on. Just wish I would see the future
norajane Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 Well I talked to him and said I hoped to work things out and he wants to know I would want to be with him. I told him that I love him. And I truely believe he is a good person. I asked if he loved me...he said yes...I asked if it was more than a friend and he said yes. I truely believe there is something yet to work on. Just wish I would see the future What did he say about THESE issues: You want: - a bf who's not active on dating sites - a bf who is certain of his feelings for you - a bf who has enough consideration for your feelings to tell his exes to stop calling him - a bf who will talk and listen to you instead of making you feel guilty for actually having enough nerve to stand up for yourself Let him think about what's important to him. If it's you, he'll certainly tell you and show you. Did you even talk about the problems that initiated you moving out?
Recommended Posts