Madly in love with highschool sweetheart.

[CarsAreForNoobs]

Well first of all I'd like to say hi to everyone as I'm new here and stumbled on to this forum while googling more relationship advice. You guys seem pretty knowledgable and its nice to find a fairly active forum.

 

For the most part I'd like to think I have a pretty good handle on things but its nice to hear opinions anyway so here goes:

 

Same old story. Met a girl and fell head over heels in love with her. I was only 15 and she was 14. We're about a year and a half apart age wise and were previously seperated by 2 years grade wise. We both fell pretty hard. 4 months in we both nervously said our first " I love you"s. Things were wonderful. I could talk to this girl about anything. On my 16th birthday we lost our virginity to eachother which only made us closer. Things got a little rough in the fall a few weeks later because her parents are rather protective people and wanted her to break up with me because she was going into highschool and they felt we were too "attached". Eventually they caved and things got better again. We had our first christmas together and I bought her a beautiful black acoustic guitar. Winter was uneventful and things were great.

 

Spring also went fine. We were completely in love. Had been talking about marriage some day and had things pretty well planned out. We had talked a lot and the plan was that when I graduated I would take at least a year off to put our grades closer so that when we both graduated college we wouldn't have to wait too long to start a life together. I was to give her a promise ring her senior year and then propose somewhere near the end of college so that we could get married not long after college. Now I know looking back on that these were pretty big plans for how young we were. Hell how young we still are. But hey, we were in love and it was exciting.

 

The fall that year going into her sophomore year (my senior year) we had our first break. This was brought upon by a few things. Part of it was petty arguments and the fact that she always gets stressed right before she goes to school in the fall. The break seemed like it would only last days after we had a few days to really think. Then I blew it. She found some porn history on my computer that I tried to cover with lies. It was a big deal because she had always been a jealous girl so not only did it hurt her but me lieing about it made it worse. We had a huge blow up fight. But were talking again within days as we still saw eachother every day at school. We still stayed close and continued somewhat dating through the "break". We still were intimate and saw eachother regularly. To be honest it wasn't really much of a break.

 

We were back together by the end of october with my promises never to keep something like that from her again and that if something as trivial as porn became that important to me then we would talk about it instead.

 

Things were well. Christmas was great as usual. The winter was a lot of fun. We spent tons of time together as usual. Spring came with more problems. We were arguing. A lot. I can't even recall a real reason. I remember one of the biggest was me chasing a car I wanted to buy. A 2002 Mustang Gt. I've always been a huge car guy. She had issues with it for multiple reasons. One of them was that she didn't want me blowing money on something she didn't think I needed as she was concerned with how I would be in the future with me. But the biggest reason was her father. Her dad has caused a lot of issues for us because her parents are a classic example of a couple that doesn't work well but holds together for the sake of family. Her dad often had a lot of nasty arguements with her mom and as she said "loved his firebird more than his family". She told me once even recently that she was so worried about the car back then because she wanted to be my baby and not the car.

 

Well anyway that was back then and the arguements caused our second "break". I bought my car anyway. During this break we still once again maintained daily contact and we often intimate with eacother. Meanwhile she was spending inordinant amounts of time with another guy I had never met. But as time went on we had my senior prom which was wonderful and were back together by summer break. I later found out the guy she was spending time with was gay. I had this confirmed by multiple people and had personally met him later on. She seemingly did it to keep me jealous.

 

Well summer was fun and came and went. Fall was hell. Again. See I had been starting a lot of arguements due to my preconcieved notions that she was just going to leave again. Well after telling her that several times and arguing she eventually did. This time was worse. There was one night where she was kissed by someone else. She told me about it and apologized profusely. She informed me that she told him that she loved me. She spent a lot of her time with her friends which plenty of times included him. This caused its fair share of fights. But still even this time we kept contact, continued to say "I love you", and continued to be intimate on a weekly basis. Eventually she told me she really missed me and was ready. We got back together and she told the kid chasing her that she was with me which caused a huge blowout fight between the two because she considered him a friend and he was under the impression that she liked him.

 

Things went well for a few months. They really did. She swore that I was the only one for her and she would never break up with me again. She tried really hard too. She was constantly really sweet to me. Practically on the verge of "ass-kissing" almost overboard sweet. Said she would do anything to make me happy and even brought up things as ridiculous as the possiblity of a threesome if thats what I needed to be happy. The point is this girl was pouring her heart out...and I was treating her like crap.

 

While I said I had forgiven her about the fall it still stuck in my mind. I hadn't really let it go. I started tons of what you would call nothing fights. I'd bitch about gas used to visit her. I'd bitch about almost anything. We would have loud fights. One that even got big enough that she smacked me resulting in me being so mad I punched a hole clear through my wall. But we still never seperated because as bad as the fights got the good times were still amazing. The fire was still there and we still had moments that were so happy the brought out tears. But the fights really got to her and I was oblivious to it. I'm the type that if I have a fight and we apologize later I never give it another thought. Not the same for her. Because of her worries about the way her dad treated her mom she really hurt from those fights and I never noticed.

 

Late in the spring she started a new job and met some new friends. Slowly she started seeing them more and me a little less. This in turn caused me to fight even more. I said some awful things I'll always regret. I told her that if she was going to leave to just do it because I'm a decent kid and it wouldn't be that hard to find someone else. I didn't mean it. God it hurts just thinking back to it.

 

We still spent at least a few days a week together but sometimes she seemed pretty distant. By the end of june sex was cut down to a pretty rare occurence and she wasn't spending too much time with me anymore. Things continued to go downhill until mid july when we had a long talk. She told me she still loved me but needed a real break. And this time she couldn't garuntee we'd ever be back together. She said the fighting really hurt her and she thought it would be the same again if she went back. Even if she wanted to which she said a lot of her still did. But she said that we had to agree because if I forced her to break her promise and leave me again then there couldn't be another chance for us.

 

We still talked every day. I made a lot of attempts to convince her to come home before I realized I was only making it worse. I told her that she doesn't need to call me if she didn't want to. She said she knew that and wanted to still hear from me at least once a night because my voice helped her sleep. I saw her ocasionally. She liked to take her breaks at work with me and have dinner together. But her weekends were spent with her new friends. Mostly due to one being in college a few hours out who was only around on the weekends. She spent my birthday in august with me. On rare occasions we have done sexual things but it was never more than once a month or so and it was completely random. The I love yous also stopped.

 

So here I am now. I'm 19. Shes 17 and in her senior year. I started college in september. Things are pretty busy. She still calls me every night though. I had started pulling away and staying busy. Realizing this girl would never come back if I didn't give her time to think. She still spends her weekends with her friends which I long ago stopped bothering her about. I do what I can to sound excited to hear from her when we talk and hang out when we can but never push her to involve herself at all with me. She seems to miss me quite a bit sometimes just so long as I seem collected and don't bring up the relationship. Thinking it out on her own seems to be showing promise.

 

Recently she kissed me again. Just a few lip pecks. About two weeks ago. This was big because we hadn't kissed in a few months. She still calls me every night and over the past couple of weeks we've been hanging out on weeknights regularly. Last week we were having a pretty awesome day together as usual. She joked about me meeting girls and I told her that I had no interest and there was only one I thought was worth the effort and since I can't have her then I'm not going to worry about women right now. Not long after we had sex again. Then still the same night we were talking and joking around she was washing my hands for me(it was kind of a thing of ours, she thought it was cute when I acted like a kid). I told her she'd be an amazing mother some day and thats when it happened. She kissed me hard. This had been our first real kiss in over 3 months.

 

We talked later that night some more. She apologized that she still wasn't seeing me on weekends. Told me to ignore her "bull****" because she says shes crazy and confused and not to forget that she really loves me. She said she wasn't ready right now and I told her I understood and that I loved her too. I told her she could have all the time she needed and that I would always be around if she needed me. She thanked me and said it meant a lot. She even cracked a joke asking if I was "trying to win her back or something". I was dumbfounded and didn't say anything. She joked some more and said it would have been sweet if I said "I'm always trying to win you back" to which I replied that I was. She smiled and things seemed great. She even referred to me as her "future".

 

This week seemed ok I guess. She kissed me again monday. Yesterday she was generally flirty early in the evening but cooled off and seemed pretty upset because she was going through some problems with a friend. I was also upset to hear a really old ex of hers wanted to talk to her friday. She asked me if it would make me mad. I told her that it was up to her. Today though I'm pretty irritated. She told me she may not be meeting up with this kid because he asked her in several messages after hearing that we were broken up about how many times we've had sex. She of course told him that was really rude and got angry about it. She swore that if anything happened now that I had nothing to worry about as she thinks he's disgusting.

 

Now there is just so much on my mind bothering me. For one I don't want her seeing this kid. I trust her completely but he's made it clear what he's looking for. When they were together she was very young and their relationship ended due to him pressuring her for sex when she wanted to wait. Its probably clear to anyone reading this that he sees her as a conquest. I would really like to tell her to call it off but don't want to seem controlling.

 

And then theres the other kid who's still chasing her that she sees on the weekend. She tells me hes just a friend and has never given me reason to believe otherwise but its clear he wants more. I'm 100% nothing is going on but it still bothers me.

 

So I guess I'm asking for overall advice. I know I need to continue forward keeping my distance and letting her sort herself out. I was cheated on by other girls almost my whole life and have constantly had trouble curbing my jealousy. I really honestly love this girl with all my heart. I've had a lot of time to think about things and realize what mistakes we both made. I feel that I have matured a great deal and still see a chance for us. I know people here will probably tell me otherwise as highschool sweethearts tend to fail 9 out of 10 times. But this girl is everything to me. I took a lot of things for granted and would like to think I've learned from my mistakes.

 

So is there any hope for me? I truly love this woman to the point where I want her happy more than anything. I don't think anyone else can keep her happy the way I do. When we're together we just click. Theres just a fire that has never gone out.

 

Help me fix this. And if it can't be fixed at least it will be nice to have someone to talk to about all this. Sorry for the long message but the more told the better idea you'd all have. I didn't want to leave things out. Any comments are appreciated.

[NocturnalRaids]

Look, do you think caveman couple got in fights? They could barely talk or grunt. Maybe consider speaking less in the relationship and just show her affection. Just an option to consider.

 

The point is, arguments are harmful for relationships, and aren't really natural, but rather induced by society and modern life. If there is something needed to be discussed, then sit down with her and talk in a soft tone to each other, maybe do it while you are holding each other or cuddling somewhat.

 

You can't be mean to her. Even if she starts straying, remember you can't control the universe, and you have to let her do what she will do.

 

Don't try to make her stay, just treat her the best you can and don't yell at her, just take the slings and arrows from her and appologize even if you did nothing wrong. They suggest saying "I'm sorry that you feel this way" or something.

 

Distancing yourself somewhat is an ok move. Don't be with her too much, but still see her in person from time to time on occasion. When you do get around to hanging out with her, randomly tell her you are sorry for making things rough, and that you care about her, etc. Not necessarily spilling it though.

 

Love is a choice, not a feeling. It is a choice to be other-centered, to care more about HER than yourself. It is a choice to stay with her and be devoted to her even if the feelings die or fade. Just keep that in mind.

 

Good luck.

[CarsAreForNoobs]

Thanks for the advice. I've heard that a few times and I've been really working hard on it. I've been doing everything I can to be really sweet but not push for anything. When shes around I cook for her, we watch movies together, its really nice. I've started to learn that sometimes there really are times to just keep my mouth shut and often its better to just stomach something trivial rather than start anything confrontational. We haven't had a real arguement in over 3 weeks now which is a big step for us.

 

I understand there is still a lot of hurt feelings deep inside her and when she does get upset for seemingly no reason I just let it go. Seeing me not argue with her tends to calm her down faster than anything else ever could.

 

We always did the best with some of our more upsetting discussions when we were cuddling. I had never put that much thought into it before now.

 

Thanks again. It's always nice to get input from outside sources. I'm going to keep working on not fighting. I hope she comes back but I realize I can't control it. She seems to really love me so I have to hope for the best.

[NocturnalRaids]

Good to hear. after thinking about hardcore philosophy, I just don't care about much. Don't take yourself too seriously.

 

Good luck. The less you fight, the better. A mellow argument in a soft tone, isn't too bad. Maybe expressing feelings at night or something.

 

Sometimes women vent just for the sake of it. Guys don't do that unless they want a solution. Chicks are wierd and talk drama for dumb reasons.

 

But less talk on your part will help you out, but be sure to apologize or sympathize. Don't be a brick wall.

 

You are doing great. Try to eliminate fights all together, but is ok to discuss things in a soft tone, or even just go up and hold her in the middle of her venting. You could hug her while listening. Have a good one.

[CarsAreForNoobs]

Thanks again. I'm slowly starting to overcome some of my issues with temper and arguements. Still haven't argued at all. She snapped at me once on the phone yesterday because she was in a crappy mood and I interrupted her several times by accident. I let it go and she sincerely apologized before we got off the phone.

 

If she comes back I think we'll be ok. Its still an if though. She still sees her friend thats actively chasing her which bothers me. But she has expressed on a few occasions that he gets annoying sometimes as he seems really pushy about being more than friends. He's constantly telling her he loves her and I think in the end shes going to realize that the just friends thing doesn't quite work. He's also incredibly jealous of me, every time I leave her a myspace comment or he finds out me and her were hanging out he seems to get pretty upset. So I think it should eventually sort itself out.

 

But at the same time I've put things in place to cheer me up should she decide not to come back. See I love my mustang, its a great car but its relatively expensive for aftermarket parts. For that reason I've always wanted a 1990 coupe to work on because it would cheaper and fast as hell. One of the things that has kept me from this is her. Shes somewhat attached to my car and thinks the older car is ugly. Also I promised to teach her how to drive it some day. I've decided that should she leave I can sell my car and buy the older one. Just something to cheer me up when things are going poorly.

 

All I can do now is hope for the best and enjoy the time we do get. She still slips relatively often which I think is a good sign. She called me honey last night which I haven't heard in awhile. I know its little and may not mean anything but shes always been the type that if something doesn't feel right she won't say it. Who knows...

[CarsAreForNoobs]

So I'm still pretty confused. Yesterday was the 15th which we kind of casually say happy 15th every month because we started going out on the 15th. I know its cheesy but we still do it. Well she came over like she does every monday. She came onto me really strong. She kissed me and initiated sex by climbing on top of me. It was great but shortly after she reminded me that she still wasn't ready which I guess I can live with as I didn't expect her to be.

 

She told me also that everyone was telling her to date but that she had decided that she doesn't want to and that the only person she wants is me. She said she will be ready eventually but it could still be awhile. She said she'd be backing off a little bit and that the sex was something we both needed from eachother.

 

I'm just a little confused because she seems so close but at the same time pretty far away. She still spends her weekends with her friends despite acting like she'd rather spend them with me. Is she confused? Or crazy or what?