Star Gazer Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 When dating someone new who you really, really like, how do you control your emotions so that you don't get your hopes up? Do you have some sort of mantra you repeat to yourself? What attitude do you take? When I meet a guy who gives me crazy butterflies, I can't help but just have these crazy romantic fantasies of us running off into the sunset, living happily ever after. That can't be good. How do I stop?
Cobra_X30 Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 LOL... I wish I had that problem! I suppose this is prompted by something? Best advice is to move slow... and make sure you sometimes take a step back and really look at him objectively for who he is... not who you want him to be!
Art_Critic Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 Say your first name and his last name together 100 times.. hahaha If you are aware that you are feeling this way then just tell yourself to slow down. Also find something else to occupy your time while you are apart..
shadowplay Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 I agree with the "move slow' sentiment. Also remember that if you're too into him too early, you'll sabotage the relationship and his feelings for you. Try to see him as human.
Author Star Gazer Posted October 4, 2007 Author Posted October 4, 2007 I don't think I get too into the guy as much as too into the idea of ... I dunno, the ultimate relationship.
oppath Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 Sometimes as a guy it's tough. It's rare to meet someone I really feel chemistry with. What I'm trying to do is isolate chemistry from compatibility. Lately, I've really been trying to solicit long term values earlier in the dating process. But when I meet someone who thrills me, I know all bets are off. You need to find a middle ground with your hopes unless you want to create a self fulfilling prophecy. If you are too hopeful, when the slightest thing feels different, you'll freak out. If you are too pessimistic, you will doom it too. Like Lou Reed said, it's best to be in a near constant state of alright.
Kamille Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 I go to the gym and have those fantasies while sweating it out. Somehow, they feel less threatening after and I feel more in control of my thoughts the rest of the day.
Author Star Gazer Posted October 4, 2007 Author Posted October 4, 2007 I go to the gym and have those fantasies while sweating it out. Somehow, they feel less threatening after and I feel more in control of my thoughts the rest of the day. Great idea. See, this is the type of thing I need to hear. I know to "slow down," but I don't know how to logistically do that...
Timberlane Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 Oh man, I feel your pain. I'm in the same boat. However, things are so nuts that it is almost hard to believe that I even manage to get to see her each week. Some horrible event keeps coming up. I just try to make plans with friends and let all this drama play itself out. I have no idea where anything will lead, but I'm still having a good time.
johan Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 Happily ever after includes smelling his morning breath and gas, seeing him gain 40 pounds and lose his hair, having him hassle you about all the shoes you buy, and having him hate your mom.
spookie Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 Great idea. See, this is the type of thing I need to hear. I know to "slow down," but I don't know how to logistically do that... What I do is tell myself that the most important quality at the end of the day is how much he's into me and that it's silly to get carried away when I don't know how far he'll go yet. Dunno if that made sense... but the point I was trying to make is that I attempt not to feel anything beyond "hmm, good catch" until I feel I can trust someone with my feelings. I just mentally warn myself that anything else is nothing short of dangerous.
Timberlane Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 That sounds pretty good, spookie. I try to tell myself that even if things ended today it has been pretty nice, sort of a fatalistic approach. Seems warranted in my case.
Ariadne Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 Hi, I can't help but just have these crazy romantic fantasies of us running off into the sunset, living happily ever after. You can't help that. It's part of dating. Ariadne
Timberlane Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 Man, I can't even conceive of "Living Happily Ever After." It's such an idealistic thing. I can see staying together and having ups and downs but generally loving it. Is that so much to ask? Anyway, keep up with the daily affirmations of Reality.
underpants Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 When dating someone new who you really, really like, how do you control your emotions so that you don't get your hopes up? Do you have some sort of mantra you repeat to yourself? What attitude do you take? When I meet a guy who gives me crazy butterflies, I can't help but just have these crazy romantic fantasies of us running off into the sunset, living happily ever after. That can't be good. How do I stop? I try to discern how it is that our relationship will ultimately end. ....not really the best advice, but it does keep things in check.
Author Star Gazer Posted October 4, 2007 Author Posted October 4, 2007 What I do is tell myself that the most important quality at the end of the day is how much he's into me and that it's silly to get carried away when I don't know how far he'll go yet. Dunno if that made sense... That actually makes perfect sense.
norajane Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 I imagine the guy in my parents' living room, and if I would feel comfortable enough to bring them together, or if it just doesn't feel 'right'. Most guys don't pass that gut-check for a long time, which somehow keeps the lid on the forever-fantasies.
Timberlane Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 I imagine the guy in my parents' living room, and if I would feel comfortable enough to bring them together, or if it just doesn't feel 'right'. Most guys don't pass that gut-check for a long time, which somehow keeps the lid on the forever-fantasies. I think more along the lines of whether or not the new girl could survive being around my family at dinner, especially when my brother is over. Now that takes some understanding.
Yellowboy Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 I try to discern how it is that our relationship will ultimately end. ....not really the best advice, but it does keep things in check. Haha yeah, that's what I do also. Definitely not the best advice but it's being realistic (or pessimistic? hehe). That's how I got over my most recent relationship with the least amount of impact on me.
dropdeadlegs Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 When dating someone new who you really, really like, how do you control your emotions so that you don't get your hopes up? Do you have some sort of mantra you repeat to yourself? What attitude do you take? When I meet a guy who gives me crazy butterflies, I can't help but just have these crazy romantic fantasies of us running off into the sunset, living happily ever after. That can't be good. How do I stop? It's hard to hide the excitement and I don't think I have ever done a good job of doing so. I tend to get my hopes up, but internally prepare myself for the letdown. Has that worked for me? Not really. My most recent breakup was over three years ago, and I was devastated after a mere seven weeks. Does seven weeks even qualify as a "breakup?" But in those weeks I learned quite a bit about the man, and we reconciled three months later and I take all the credit. I read him well and put myself out there. Had I not done so, I doubt that we would be together now. I put in quite a bit of effort to regain his permanent interest. I didn't give up easily. I won't deny that if I hadn't achieved the desired result that I would have felt that I had made a fool of myself in the process. I really put myself out there because I felt the risk was worth the possible result. I had never done that in adulthood. I guess my advice is to work for what you deem is worthy of your efforts, and don't stop until you have clear signs that your efforts are wasted. I honestly think that some great relationships are given up far too easily. At that point, who knows what would have happened? In the best scenarios, no work is required , it all just "happens" effortlessly. Those are rare in my life.
Trialbyfire Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 SG, just keep telling yourself to slow it down, take your time. When you first meet someone, they are always on their best behaviour so of course it's going to be great. Also, the hormones are going wild so you're not exactly in any state to make any decisions. Once you get to know them better, you can then decide if the two of you are compatible. Try doing a difficult project together like putting together a 1000 piece propane BBQ with little to no instructions. If you can accomplish this without killing each other, you've got it made.
shadowplay Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 SG, just keep telling yourself to slow it down, take your time. When you first meet someone, they are always on their best behaviour so of course it's going to be great. Also, the hormones are going wild so you're not exactly in any state to make any decisions. Once you get to know them better, you can then decide if the two of you are compatible. Try doing a difficult project together like putting together a 1000 piece propane BBQ with little to no instructions. If you can accomplish this without killing each other, you've got it made. How long do you think before you see somebody's true side?
Trialbyfire Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 How long do you think before you see somebody's true side? There's no time limit. It varies per individual and relationship due to couple dynamics.
Krytie TV Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 Star. I would say just think about all of the other times you felt these feelings and how many times they were not justified. The more you don't want to be let down, perhaps the less you will let yourself be let down.
allina Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 I think that there is nothing wrong with excitement, it's just human nature. Just make sure the excitement is paired with some solid realism. There is nothing wrong with saying "I'm so excited about this guy I've been seeing! I know there are no guarantees but he seems like bf material"
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