gerrygirl Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 This is mostly a rant, so I'll understand if everyone is sick of this topic or nobody responds. My boyfriend and I broke up about a month ago yesterday over his addiction to porn, and constant lying. We had a normal sex life, considering i have a bone disease and have fatigue often, i thought he would love me through it. I'm attractive, and my whole life I felt amazing about myself as a woman, but since my breakup with my ex, I find myself dwelling over all of the porn sites I found on his computer. All of the women, all of the sex, everyone he wanted to lust over and look at besides me. I've lost 15 pounds in a month, and I feel like my emotional state is going to kill me because my disease keeps getting worse, i'm missing work, and i'm having trouble even walking. I can't stop crying, and I just want my confidence back. My heart is so broken, why am I not enough, why am i not unique, why was I just one of many. This heartache is killing me, and not my family or therapist can get these images out of my head. I wake up crying and i just can't understand why I'm wasn't loved. I know this is a normal breakup, but I just don't know how to be strong, and I really wish someone would help me get through this.
Msblueyes Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Before my bf (soon to b x on friday) went to drug rehab, years ago, he would get stoned & be on porn sites as well as dating sites online. (I had to sign up so I could look would be the answer). Oh yeah, right.... Then it progressed to he used to dial those dating sex lines on his cell. He would be partying & geting calls/texts...and be living with me. He went to rehab, came home and for two months no intimacy. He then hit on my neighbor in my house and the neighbor who was moving out. He claimed to be drunk on the first one but had no excuse for the second. And told me he didn't find me sexually attractive. Now, I'm 5'5", 125lbs, and go to the gym. I've been told I'm hot. So? I just wanted to let you know you're not the problem. I don't know if it seems to be the norm, but more men seem to be unable to deal with the real women in their life as opposed to the porn. Porn has become so universally accepted, I'm stunned. I don't watch sitcoms and when I sat down with the STBX, I couldn't believe the dialog & plots for regular tv. It's all about sex, every other word is an inuendo. I don't claim to be the most intelligent woman, but I'll tell you what, I keep my dial on IFC. No commercials and the movies aren't crap. Back to you, I know how hard it is. I've lost 5lbs in the last five days, I can't eat, sleep, concentrate (lucky my job is slow at the moment). I don't know what to say, girl, it's just a strange time to be a woman committed to a man at this point in history. Cheating is no longer frowned upon and it seems when people get dumped, the dumper has something in the wings. I know that usually, it's not on you, with this situation. It's the person you're with. I guess you can just continue to vent & reach out to friends, seek help (which I may do) but unless you're both ok with the Porn (I was, but it had taken over his drugged brain years ago and I never really felt like a participant when he actually did watch porn & screw me). I think this may also lend a reason to why relationships just fail. Men like the idea of the fantasy of having one woman, but in reality many can't seem to stop thinking "is there something better". I don't know, it all sucks.
Jinnah Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Aww, sweetie, I feel so sad to hear you say these things. I know you are hurting, but you have to realize that how you feel is normal... most people going through a break-up feel this way. You sound like a sweet person and I know you will find the right person out there who will cherish you and NOT porn. As hard as breaking up is, it also means that you are not wasting your time on a person who is not right for you. I know it's hard to digest, but it is better now than two years from now, right? There is a worthy man out there who WILL love you and take care of you because he LOVES you. You just have to be patient. I do not know if you pray or not, but I prayed for you. I prayed that God will send you the man He wants you to marry, that you will be strong in these tough times, and also that God will comfort you. Please do not lose confidence in yourself. Lose confidence in the man who brought porn into his life and tried to bring in into yours.
Bosiell Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Sorry to hear of your situation gerry. Please always remember that you are not alone with this hurt, as many posts here will justify. Can I just ask tho. Was he aware of your dislike to the porn he had and if so did he accept that it had to stop or else your relationship was over? Just would like to know if you pretty much ended the relationship because you found this porn, without then talking to him about it?
Enema Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 So you had a normal sex life, and the porn wasn't causing a problem except for your own insecurities? Interesting that you chose to run from the relationship and blame-shift rather than fix your problem.
Jinnah Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 Wow, some people on here are just cold-hearted, and I'm not talking about Gerry.
popey Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 I know easier said then done, but please try to understand that his desire to look at porn does not at all equate to you being inadequate, undesirable or unlovable.
directx Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 You know what though? If she expressed how the porn bothers her in relation to her medical condition, and he still insists on viewing the porn, its insensitive on his part. This isn't your typical 'I don't like him looking at porn.'. She's going through something unique and painful. And he should drop the porn in the a second if he cared about her. I mean, is porn THAT important? Especially in this case? I would have honored her wishes.
popey Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 yea, Direct- I was thinking something along these lines too. But also, she said she left because of his "porn addiction and constant lying." Sounds like something beyond just a man who, despite loving his SO, likes to occasionally indulge in a flick.
Author gerrygirl Posted October 4, 2007 Author Posted October 4, 2007 We did break up over porn, but it wasn't a once and done thing. It was after I caught him lying about it 20 or so times, that I realized he just may not be an honest person. When we first started dating he talked about how he was into porn in his last relationship, and that it disgusted him to live that way, and with me he wanted to start fresh. So two years into the relationship, bingo, what do i find, porn. It's been a lot of porn since then. I'm attractive and I've tried very hard to be "hot" for him, but you can't be a fantasy girl forever, i'm a real person. So now i'm sick, and i need love not sex, and really, isn't that the point of spending your life with someone, to have them pick you up when you are down? We weren't married, but we were in love, and it was understood that after 5 years we were totally there for eachother. His priorities shifted to fantasy while he escaped the reality of me just needing his time. Well i didn't get time from him, I had him spending that time on porn, and really it broke my heart, it feels like I was cheated on over and over and over. He just told me to "get over it", which killed me. He was amazing in the begining, and I loved his eyes and his spark, and i swear as he's aged he's lost his passion and now he's just a regular joe that looks at porn after work, and really, who the hell is attracted to that. Nobody. I morn who i thought he could be, not what he is. i'm actually feeling better already.
Enema Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 Men hide porn because women don't understand why men use it and what it means.... or doesn't mean. You need to come to grips with the fact that his porn usage has nothing to do with you and your perceived faults. If you discard any man that looks at porn you will be lonely for a very long time.
Jinnah Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 100% untrue. Plenty of men do not watch porn. I'm shocked at how low some women's standard are. Gerry, you had the right to be upset... don't lower your standards... there are men out there who would never disrespect their SO by watching porn.
popey Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 Men hide porn because women don't understand why men use it and what it means.... or doesn't mean. You need to come to grips with the fact that his porn usage has nothing to do with you and your perceived faults. If you discard any man that looks at porn you will be lonely for a very long time. I totally disagree. I personally, don't mind if he watches once in a while, but if I did, it shouldn't be too much to give up for the sake of respecting my feelings. If a guy won't give up porn b/c the woman he loves is made to feel bad by his watching, then he is either extremely selfish, sick, or not in love with her. I have many male friends, and I know that, though they may like to indulge in a bit of porn from time to time; they would certainly rather pass on it then betray the trust and emotions of a woman they cared about. no question and no problem. men are not all ignorant animals with no ability to show respect or self control.
Enema Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 You two are just proving my point. Like I said, Men hide it because women just don't understand it.
Jinnah Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 You two are just proving my point. Like I said, Men hide it because women just don't understand it. Or you just have low standards and settle for the type of man you describe. Good luck on that. Have some confidence in yourself! Aren't you good enough for your man? Don't you alone satisfy him?
Enema Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 Again, women just don't seem to get this point. Men watching porn has nothing to do with how well his partner satisfies him, or how "good" his partner is. A man could be having sex with Jessica Alba 5 times a day in any orifice and he would still jerk off to porn. It's a completely separate part of his brain. Women need to stop thinking men watch porn because they lack something in the relationship.
Lizzie60 Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 This is mostly a rant, so I'll understand if everyone is sick of this topic or nobody responds. My boyfriend and I broke up about a month ago yesterday over his addiction to porn, and constant lying. We had a normal sex life, considering i have a bone disease and have fatigue often, i thought he would love me through it. I'm attractive, and my whole life I felt amazing about myself as a woman, but since my breakup with my ex, I find myself dwelling over all of the porn sites I found on his computer. All of the women, all of the sex, everyone he wanted to lust over and look at besides me. I've lost 15 pounds in a month, and I feel like my emotional state is going to kill me because my disease keeps getting worse, i'm missing work, and i'm having trouble even walking. I can't stop crying, and I just want my confidence back. My heart is so broken, why am I not enough, why am i not unique, why was I just one of many. This heartache is killing me, and not my family or therapist can get these images out of my head. I wake up crying and i just can't understand why I'm wasn't loved. I know this is a normal breakup, but I just don't know how to be strong, and I really wish someone would help me get through this. by his addiction..then you're better off without him. I personally don't mind if my man is watching porn... It doesn't bother me, I would probably watch it with him...LOL I agree that most men hides the fact that they watch porn because they know it will upset their SO... But to be honest, I would rather have him watch porn than actually go out and have sex with the first woman he can get his hands on. When you watch a movie ... you know it's not real.. it's only fiction, it's the same thing for porn... it's pure fantasy on a screen.
Jinnah Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 I disagree. Porn is immoral and disrespectful to women. It is a from of adultery. I would be disgusted if my husband were looking at another naked women and getting turned on sexually by it. "Wordly" people are just trying to make it seem normal because they don't want to be wrong in watching it (people try to justify the things they do, even when wrong) and women are accepting it because they do not have enough self esteem to say, "Hey, I don't like that." They do not want to seem "uncool" in today's immoral society.
Jinnah Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 Again, women just don't seem to get this point. Men watching porn has nothing to do with how well his partner satisfies him, or how "good" his partner is. A man could be having sex with Jessica Alba 5 times a day in any orifice and he would still jerk off to porn. It's a completely separate part of his brain. Women need to stop thinking men watch porn because they lack something in the relationship. This is just what you have been fed to get you to accept it. Did a man tell you that or did you make it up? My guess is that a man told you that so you would allow it, or you told yourself that so you would not be upset that your man was watching it. The things we tell ourselves when we are in denial...:rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:
Lizzie60 Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 I disagree. Porn is immoral and disrespectful to women. It is a from of adultery. I would be disgusted if my husband were looking at another naked women and getting turned on sexually by it. "Wordly" people are just trying to make it seem normal because they don't want to be wrong in watching it (people try to justify the things they do, even when wrong) and women are accepting it because they do not have enough self esteem to say, "Hey, I don't like that." They do not want to seem "uncool" in today's immoral society. How old are you? sorry but 'modern' women DO enjoy porn.. and looking at naked men while in love with their husband... and this is soooo NOT TRUE: women are accepting it because they do not have enough self esteem I have no problem with my self esteem and I never had any problem with my bf watching porn... Geeezzz...
Lizzie60 Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 Why does everyone think I'm a woman? /cry People should check the Profile more often...
Jinnah Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 How old are you? sorry but 'modern' women DO enjoy porn.. and looking at naked men while in love with their husband... and this is soooo NOT TRUE: women are accepting it because they do not have enough self esteem I have no problem with my self esteem and I never had any problem with my bf watching porn... Geeezzz... Old enough to where the "how old are you" insult doesn't work. I guess there is a difference between "modern" women and religious ones? No, I would not enjoy looking at naked men other than my beautiful husband.
Jinnah Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 Why does everyone think I'm a woman? /cry I'm so sorry, Enema! My bad. It's the pretty picture.
Author gerrygirl Posted October 4, 2007 Author Posted October 4, 2007 I'm not a religious person, i don't believe in god, i am a modern woman with lots a friends and a great job, and I STILL think porn is wrong. I love my skin, my hair, i get asked out all of the time, i have a great self esteem. Here is the question, where is the self esteem of the women that accept these morons as boyfriends and husbands? Did you just give up all hope when you accepted him into your life? I think these women that accept such disrespect from men are the result of a fatherless generation. Their fathers weren't real men, and therefore they don't know any better. Think of it as low class, thats what these men are, and you should want better for yourself! Look at the girls in these videos! Who the hell would date these things?! Where is America's class? I feel like it died with my great grandparents. I've never been in a relationship without lots of love and good sex, and to have good sex you have to respect each-other and respect sex between two people. It's not wrong to find other people attractive, it's wrong if you find other people attractive and you lie about it. It's wrong to watch porn, sleep in bed with your woman later that night, and lie about it. It's fake, he's fake, the relationship is fake. Lies don't equal respect, and you literally cannot love someone without respect. So really, if a man Requires porn, tell me up front, so i can leave you. These men are fools at hiding it, yet they think they are so slick because they lied and threw you off up front. I don't want the father of my kids getting horny for naked teenage girls. Someday I may have a daughter with this man, she will have friends that are teenagers, you can do the math. Am i really the only woman that feels this way?? No, I'm just one of the few that says it. I don't want a pervert, I want a man. Men don't rely on pornography after college, it's pathetic. It's like, old school, women don't like these men! Women hate these loosers! I think it's this country, I used to have a boyfriend from spain and he was totally different than american men. Ugh, at this point I don't even miss my boyfriend, I just wish I could find someone with more than a boner and two brain cells.
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