carrotgirl Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 I gave it some thought and came up with a plan for modified NC which is business only and nothing else. I'm almost ready to embrace it. Today the ex has been friendly. I was fine with it until an hour ago when he made the tiniest flirt and my body went into panic mode. Why is he doing this? Either he's comfortable and gets a good feeling or it's easier for him to be friendly and flirty or because not doing it makes him uncomfortable. Does he know his actions make me uncomfortable? Possibly, but I doubt it and I'm not sure it matters. It made me uncomfortable when he broke up and he still did that so I'm using that as a guide. I don't know how to keep handling this. My work is suffering. Carrot
CaliGuy Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Flirting in the way he is doing it is his way of making sure, at the drop of a hat, that you know he can have you anytime he wants. It's cruel and unusual punishment. Don't interact at all with him if you can avoid it until such a time as you can handle talking to him without those feelings.
Author carrotgirl Posted October 3, 2007 Author Posted October 3, 2007 I hadn't thought of it that way. So, you're a guy... If this is his intent, is it purposeful or subconscious?
CaliGuy Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 I hadn't thought of it that way. So, you're a guy... If this is his intent, is it purposeful or subconscious? Purposeful, of course. He's using "Jedi Mind Tricks" on you. Don't fall for them. Brush him aside like yesterday's news.
phin8181 Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 I can understand where you are. Unfortunately its not just guys that do it. Women do also. I have been going through two months of this mess. Have to see her everyday as we work together, and she does the same thing. I have to agree with the "Jedi mind tricks" Caliguy.... I think they know exactly what they are doing...........it is a way for them to boost their own ego and buy time in order to get over the relationship while they know that you are still in misery. It actually makes them feel good about themselves. It is very very much cruel and unusual punishment! I think I may be lucky though as she is taking a new job next week so I won't have to see her.......(still not sure how I feel about that though.....) Caliguy is absolutely right, as hard as it is you must try to avoid him if you can.........I know it's hard though.... phin
Author carrotgirl Posted October 3, 2007 Author Posted October 3, 2007 What I hear is that this is about exchange of power. I hadn't considered this. Why the need if he was the one who broke up with me? He rejected my self as a whole as being unsuitable for his needs at the time for whatever reason. Why would he want what he already rejected? And why would he want to exert power when he's already exerted the ultimate power and taken himself out of the relationship? Carrot
CaliGuy Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 What I hear is that this is about exchange of power. I hadn't considered this. Why the need if he was the one who broke up with me? It's simply an ego boost to him and nothing more. He rejected my self as a whole as being unsuitable for his needs at the time for whatever reason. Why would he want what he already rejected? And why would he want to exert power when he's already exerted the ultimate power and taken himself out of the relationship? Carrot Again, just to boost his own ego. It's not that he wants you as much as he knows you want him and that he'd simply have to bat an eyelash at you to get you to come running. My point is you need to understand he isn't good for you and never was nor does he deserve any of your time. When people walk away from you, LET THEM GO. They were never meant to be a part of your life for the long haul anyway. The sooner you let them go, the sooner the RIGHT person can walk into your life.
phin8181 Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 He doesn't want what he rejected....he just wants the power over what he rejected. Like I said its a way for him to buy time to get over the guilt he feels......and he is simply boosting his own ego....and as long as you let it happen that horse will come back to the trough over and over again when he needs his ego fix....
Author carrotgirl Posted October 3, 2007 Author Posted October 3, 2007 My point is you need to understand he isn't good for you and never was nor does he deserve any of your time. Please forgive the seeming argument to come? It's really me seeking understanding and not arguing. Is the logic here that anyone who walks away from us (or wants to walk away from us) is therefore bad for us?
CaliGuy Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Please forgive the seeming argument to come? It's really me seeking understanding and not arguing. Is the logic here that anyone who walks away from us (or wants to walk away from us) is therefore bad for us? Because people who truly love you unconditionally will not walk away so easily. They've made up their mind you are not the one for them and trying to convince them otherwise is futile. Feelings can not be explained logically because feelings themselves are illogical by default. It is best to accept their decision to leave. Keep your head held up high knowing that you gave it your best shot and were willing to work it out and they were not. There is no shame in that. Better to be single and lonely than married and miserable. The more time you focus on your ex (the wrong one for you less) the longer it will take for you to meet the RIGHT one for you. Nobody likes being rejected, but it's a fact of life. At some point in your life you have rejected someone. Just because you have been rejected does not mean you are not worthy of being loved. It simply means this person is not the one for you. Put the focus on you, on recovering, on moving on and being the best YOU you can be. When you're confidence returns and you're happy being single, the right one will come along. But NOT until you have stopped focusing on the past.
Author carrotgirl Posted October 3, 2007 Author Posted October 3, 2007 Because people who truly love you unconditionally will not walk away so easily. Again, seeking enlightenment through questioning... So if people who love us unconditionally won't walk away easily, how do we differentiate between: 1. One who says I'm walking away and wants an ego boost from contact 2. One who says I'm walking away and then doesn't actually walk away
CaliGuy Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Again, seeking enlightenment through questioning... So if people who love us unconditionally won't walk away easily, how do we differentiate between: 1. One who says I'm walking away and wants an ego boost from contact 2. One who says I'm walking away and then doesn't actually walk away Sometimes you can't. The point is, he isn't with you anymore. It is what it is. Don't over-analyze it. All that does is lead to more questions and lots of confusion. All you have really is yourself. Focus on YOU and not on him or why he left. It doesn't matter anymore.
Author carrotgirl Posted October 4, 2007 Author Posted October 4, 2007 Cal, you had me up until the circular logic kicked in and you came back to my starting point... It doesn't matter is where I started out in this thread. It doesn't matter if I do. Doesn't matter if I don't. Nothing I do or don't do will effect a change in the ex's thinking or feeling. This is why I don't care to spend time analyzing his feelings. Beyond any comfort I gain by the effort of thinking through, you're right, his feelings aren't important since he made his decision. The problem I have with this negative bent... That he somehow seeks to gain from my discomfort bothers me. I find no evidence of that. He does nothing wrong. He is straightforward. He is considerate. Any ego boost he gets is self manufactured much the way my angst at his light flirting is manufactured. He isn't doing it to me. I'm not letting him have power over me. In all fairness would we prefer him to be another boorish, vindictive a$hhole? My wellness requires me to take care of myself but that doesn't mean at someone else's expense. When the ex is perfectly friendly should I treat him with disdain because he simply doesn't want a romantic relationship with me the way he once did? Should I act like another boorish, vindictive a$hhole?
CaliGuy Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 Again, it's simply his ego boost. That is all. It's not that he wants you, it's that he knows he can have you whenever he wants. That's it and nothing more.
Author carrotgirl Posted October 4, 2007 Author Posted October 4, 2007 The problem I have with that conjecture is the assumption I have no say in the matter at all. Just as there is no force I can exert to make him be with me, should he desire anything with me, I have to agree to take part. Thinking he can always have me doesn't make it so. If it were, we'd all think ourselves into the relationships we want with the people we want. I don't know what his motivation is. But if it's a pleasurable feeling of power and ego rush, how is that different from the beginning stages of a relationship? Any goodness he derives from me is all his perception. If he smiles, I smile a small smile, he does almost all of the talking. He gets treated the way any assistant might. This morning I had him make me a cup of tea. That was the most he got from me. Not friendly. Not unfriendly. Why seek to exert control I don't have by trying to take away the good feelings he manufactures regarding me? Carrot
Author carrotgirl Posted October 4, 2007 Author Posted October 4, 2007 I slept on it. I thought about it. I'm still thinking about it. I have an ex who is not the enemy. Here is a person who did what so many wish their exes would do, he said, "I don't love you." It came with absolutely no warning and immediately before that we were both happy together. Been over it and over it. But he hasn't done anything wrong (well, other than the utter rejecting of me as a love interest). That I'm in pain and experiencing anxiety is a byproduct of the trauma of getting dumped and having it happen so unexpectedly especially when we seemed so happy. But he's not actively trying to cause me any upset. I don't see that. If anything, he's been making an effort to stay in touch and make sure I'm not alienated. How am I supposed to hate him for this? The situation is frustrating. Perhaps I'd have an easier time letting go if he was acting like an a$hhole, but that doesn't seem to be the case for so many people who are being treated poorly. It seems like good or bad ex, kind or unkind, wronged or wrong-doer, the heartbreak pretty much sucks the same.
Author carrotgirl Posted October 5, 2007 Author Posted October 5, 2007 I almost made it through a whole day of business only. And then I got hungry for supper and asked the ex if he could open a jam jar for me. Two rules of modified contact broken... Being alone in the kitchen with the ex and verbal communication that wasn't strictly business. Make that three broken rules. Physical contact at the jam jar. Would anyone believe I wasn't flirting? Oh Carrot is off the sauce. Carrot
AriaIncognito Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 The fact that he said "i dont love you" is reason enough to know that he's not the one. You keep wondering why he's not walking away but it's clear why he's not, he gets his rocks off knowing he's got someone who wants to be with him. How great would you feel knowing out there someone wanted you as badly as you want him? Thats the person you need. Not him. He's already given you the BEST reason to move on. He's professed his lack of love for you. Someone like that isn't worth your time. My ex professed the same thing, in not so many words, and we are now 4 months NC. There's no point for any of us to give them the time of day. I realize you work in the same place but working in the same place does not mean you have to be in the same place at once or stay in the room should he walk in. Unless you have to share meetings or whatnot, you're free to walk away. Free will is a wonderful thing. Best option here is to use your free will to walk away from this jerk and never look back.
Author carrotgirl Posted October 5, 2007 Author Posted October 5, 2007 Aria, I hear you. I made a small step in the right direction. Tomorrow I can do better. Do I at least get a wee pat on the back for staying out of the drink? Carrot
Author carrotgirl Posted October 5, 2007 Author Posted October 5, 2007 To be honest, I did have to self-medicate with two very yummy potatoes.
Author carrotgirl Posted October 5, 2007 Author Posted October 5, 2007 Oh oh oh! That is the biggest laugh I've had in 3 weeks! Damn. 3 weeks. It seems like a year. I feel so decrepit. I just noticed today that my hair has huge swaths of grey in it now too. I'm going to need another potato. Grey Carrot
Trialbyfire Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 This is where I take you in hand. Put your hands in the air and step back from the potatoes. Don't make me quote the Miranda Act.
Author carrotgirl Posted October 5, 2007 Author Posted October 5, 2007 There's really no need for that. I went to get a potato from the fridge, accidentally stepped on Cat's tail, Cat jumped a meter up which I wasn't expecting. I tripped and dropped the bag of potatoes into Cat's dish uck. I took it as a sign and made another peanutbutter and jam sandwich.
Trialbyfire Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 Oh. Cat dish + potatoes are not yummy. Peanut butter and jam sandwiches are not yummy. Mangos and Nectarines are yummy.
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