SarahBeth04 Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 That's why communication is SO important in a marriage. I bet if the spouse considering the affair told the spouse what they were considering and why, these problems could be solved, right? In my case yes. I cheated because I was sexually unsatisified. I had already told my spouse this and he chose to do nothing about it. I cheated, wasnt really my cup of tea, so I had "the talk" with my husband again. This time i told him that I wanted to cheat and why. Now our sex life is back on track. People cheat for many reasons. I think the number one reason is a lack of sex and intamacy in a marriage. I know several people who have stepped out on their spouse because of this. It may be wrong, but, sex is a huge part of marriage. If you deny your spouse, things are going to get rocky and someone WILL step out and get it else where. Sex is a basic human need. You will find someone to meet that need if your spouse refuses to meet it.
directx Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 Which is why I initially said, "wouldn't it be nice to get a truthful answer". Did someone give you an untruthful answer? Is it in this thread or another?
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 People who are cheating are always going to make it someone else's fault Not all of us.
reboot Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 Did someone give you an untruthful answer? Is it in this thread or another?Yes and neither.
directx Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 Yes and neither. Oh, something happened in the past I take it. Well, I am going to share my story in the near future I am pretty sure. Would you like to share yours?
Author Jinnah Posted October 4, 2007 Author Posted October 4, 2007 Directx, I do not believe in divorce myself, unless someone cheats, and I totally agree that divorce creates a lot of problems as well (especially when kids are involved). I also understand that you were not justifying cheating. I agree that certain things might contribute to a person getting the urge to cheat, but that it does not justify ACTUALLY cheating. If this were to happen the person with the urges would need to go to their SO and have a serious conversation. Luvmy2ns- I agree that certain people will not give honest answers and will always blame someone else. I do think that, as always, there are some people will tell the truth as I've seen here on the thread. I think that, so far, the responders have been pretty honest. SarahBeth04- Do you think that if you had told him everything you were thinking the first time (like the fact you were considering cheating) he would have responded positively as he did during the second talk? I agree that a huge reason people cheat (not saying its a good reason or the right thing to do) is from a lack of sex and intimacy in a marriage. I do not agree that if you do not meet a certain need, your spouse will go cheat... that would be quite selfish. The SO deserves the chance (and as many chances as it takes) to correct the problem without having their spouse cheat. I'm saying this in general, not directed at you, SarahBeth04. Marriage takes effort. It's not always easy, but you can't just give up and say "oh well!" if you really love the person. I'm glad to hear you and your spouse were able to work things out. Did you ever tell him about the affair? If so, how did he react? If not, do you think he has the right to know so he can make an informed choice about staying in the marriage? Overall, it sounds like it is a good idea to "check-in" with your SO about the staus of both parties' happiness in the relationship. Make sure everything is on track and running smoothly and ask if there is anything you could do in the relationship to improve things. Be open with one another as well. Tell all. Sounds like honesty and communication really are key things in a relationship.
Lizzie60 Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 because people grow apart... get bored.. don't work towards their relationship hard enough because of laziness, lack of time, stress...etc. we are more and more in a disposable society... everything is sooo easily obtainable... and disposable.
SarahBeth04 Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 Jinnah: Yes, my spouse knows I was unfaithful. He knows why I was unfaithful. We did not go to MC or anything else. We worked things out on our own and have a stronger marriage now. We have weathered very bad times together over 9 years. I dont condone cheating on your spouse, but mistakes happen. We know now that communication is key. Especially communication in the sex department to make sure both parties are equally happy.
Author Jinnah Posted October 4, 2007 Author Posted October 4, 2007 Jinnah: Yes, my spouse knows I was unfaithful. He knows why I was unfaithful. We did not go to MC or anything else. We worked things out on our own and have a stronger marriage now. We have weathered very bad times together over 9 years. I dont condone cheating on your spouse, but mistakes happen. We know now that communication is key. Especially communication in the sex department to make sure both parties are equally happy. That's great SarahBeth. I'm happy for you two.
Author Jinnah Posted October 4, 2007 Author Posted October 4, 2007 because people grow apart... get bored.. don't work towards their relationship hard enough because of laziness, lack of time, stress...etc. we are more and more in a disposable society... everything is sooo easily obtainable... and disposable. That's so sad.
Darth Vader Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 In my case yes. I cheated because I was sexually unsatisified. I had already told my spouse this and he chose to do nothing about it. I cheated, wasnt really my cup of tea, so I had "the talk" with my husband again. This time i told him that I wanted to cheat and why. Now our sex life is back on track. People cheat for many reasons. I think the number one reason is a lack of sex and intamacy in a marriage. I know several people who have stepped out on their spouse because of this. It may be wrong, but, sex is a huge part of marriage. If you deny your spouse, things are going to get rocky and someone WILL step out and get it else where. Sex is a basic human need. You will find someone to meet that need if your spouse refuses to meet it. Did you ever bother to tell your husband that you cheated? Serious question........... Why I ask is, if he ever does find out on his own, it's over. Ok, never mind, I saw the answer........ But, wasn't he royally pissed? What if he did it to you? I hope you don't mind the questions......
Mino Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 Hello, there are many different reasons why people cheat, one that has not been mentioned, it that the mm?MW is a serial cheater. They just need to cheat. They live on the thrill. It has nothing to do with S, its a personal choice/flaw. If that is the case, forget it, run like hell. They will never stop, no matter what they promise you. Other reason, marriage is over in one of the partnes, but does not have the guts to leave. Both cases, run like hell.
norajane Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 I don't think anyone ever deserves to get cheated on ever. I just want to know if the reasons people cheat are things that could have easily been avoided. I know people have said they cheated because their spouse was horrible to them. I still do not think the "horrible" spouse deserved that (the WS should have left them then), but I'm sure there are people out there in relationships that do not realize their actions may be contributing to the possibility of an affair, and I'm sure if they knew, they would change things in the relationship. People rationalize cheating with all kinds of justifications. But the truth is that the cheater makes a choice to cheat. The exact same set of circumstances would not automatically lead another person to cheat. There's something within the cheater that allows them to make the choice to cheat, whereas another person won't go there.
Bobby NoBrains Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 People rationalize cheating with all kinds of justifications. But the truth is that the cheater makes a choice to cheat. The exact same set of circumstances would not automatically lead another person to cheat. There's something within the cheater that allows them to make the choice to cheat, whereas another person won't go there. That's quite the bottomline, I agree. It's a conscious choice, however it may be rationalized or justified inside the mind of the cheater. Just my two bits .. Bobby
Author Jinnah Posted October 5, 2007 Author Posted October 5, 2007 Good responses Mino, norajane, and Bobby NoBrains. Mino- it's scary to think people are really like this. Does anyone know the signs of this type of person? Is it possible to be married to this type of person and not know it? Do people generally know/suspect they are being cheated on? Or is it more often a complete surprise? I do not ask for myself (my husband only leaves the house to go to work/church - he's too obsessed with video games, but that's a completely different thread ), but I am still interested. Norajane- I agree that it ultimately leads to cheater making that selfish decision. I also agree that a different person in a similar situation would choose not to cheat. I guess it all depends on the type of person they are. Bobby NoBrains- so you agree that the person being cheated on is never at fault even just a little bit? I would say they are not because when people take their vows, they say "for better or for worse"... people need to realize those lines they repeat called vows actually mean something... why do so many people forget this? Your SO might do things that make the thought run across your mind in extreme cases, but that doesn't give an excuse to act on it.
reboot Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 Good responses Mino, norajane, and Bobby NoBrains. Mino- it's scary to think people are really like this. Does anyone know the signs of this type of person? Is it possible to be married to this type of person and not know it? Do people generally know/suspect they are being cheated on? Or is it more often a complete surprise? I do not ask for myself (my husband only leaves the house to go to work/church - he's too obsessed with video games, but that's a completely different thread ), but I am still interested. I think it's rare that a person is taken completely by surprise. They may delude themselves into not believing what they feel, but they feel it. I think only the most brazen, seriel cheating kind of spouse can do so without leaving all sorts of emotional clues. Norajane- I agree that it ultimately leads to cheater making that selfish decision. I also agree that a different person in a similar situation would choose not to cheat. I guess it all depends on the type of person they are. Absolutely. I believe there are people who just won't cheat, no matter what. Bobby NoBrains- so you agree that the person being cheated on is never at fault even just a little bit? I would say they are not because when people take their vows, they say "for better or for worse"... people need to realize those lines they repeat called vows actually mean something... why do so many people forget this? Your SO might do things that make the thought run across your mind in extreme cases, but that doesn't give an excuse to act on it. I think the person being cheated on most of the time shares at least some, and sometimes a lot, of the blame for the relationship being at the point that the SO is considering cheating. But the person being cheated on cannot be blamed at all for their SO's actual decision to cheat. That's a personal choice.
Cobra_X30 Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 I think the person being cheated on most of the time shares at least some, and sometimes a lot, of the blame for the relationship being at the point that the SO is considering cheating. But the person being cheated on cannot be blamed at all for their SO's actual decision to cheat. That's a personal choice. I apologize for going off topic. But Reboot, have you ever had the opportunity to read through Dazed's thread? It's old but probably one of the most passionate, honest, and insightful threads regarding his wife's short affair.
reboot Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 This the one? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t40398/
Cobra_X30 Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 No need. Here you go! http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t40398/
silktricks Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 I know you could have made better choices, Silktricks, but I understand your position. I would have left the jerk myself... I can't put up with cheating. If you are religious, ask God to forgive you, forgive yourself for what you did (if you haven't already), and then let go. You sound like a nice person who still feels guilty. Your husband did some horrible things to you. I agree that, in your case, it was completely preventable... your husband had control of that situation. Do you know why he cheated? Was it just for the thrill of it like a lot of men say? I think I've forgiven myself for this. My first husband was a louse. I don't honestly know WHY he cheated as he never did fess up to doing it (Even some 15 years later when he contacted me and wanted me to cheat on my current husband ). Some of his "friends" told me and also a couple different women.
Author Jinnah Posted October 5, 2007 Author Posted October 5, 2007 I think it's rare that a person is taken completely by surprise. They may delude themselves into not believing what they feel, but they feel it. I think only the most brazen, seriel cheating kind of spouse can do so without leaving all sorts of emotional clues. Absolutely. I believe there are people who just won't cheat, no matter what. I think the person being cheated on most of the time shares at least some, and sometimes a lot, of the blame for the relationship being at the point that the SO is considering cheating. But the person being cheated on cannot be blamed at all for their SO's actual decision to cheat. That's a personal choice. Perfectly said, Reboot... I agree.
Author Jinnah Posted October 5, 2007 Author Posted October 5, 2007 I think I've forgiven myself for this. My first husband was a louse. I don't honestly know WHY he cheated as he never did fess up to doing it (Even some 15 years later when he contacted me and wanted me to cheat on my current husband ). Some of his "friends" told me and also a couple different women. Yeah, I have a similar experience with my ex-husband. He was very abusive (even while I was pregnant) and one day he swore on his soul that he cheated and then later he swore on his mom's life that he didn't... sick huh? Top this day I do not know (for sure) if he physically cheated (I'm going to assume yes... he even said he slept with someone and then came home and slept with me... gross!). I also found internet porn (that he printed out on paper and put in his underwear drawer. Glad I left him and to this day I thank God that I didn't contract any STD's. I eventually re-married the sweetest man ever. He is sensitive to my feelings (fears of cheating) and calls me soon after he gets to work, throughout the day, and when he leaves... without me making him! I guess I'm lucky because he never goes out "with the guys" and says if he ever does, he will take me with him (although I would not make him - most of his friends are great). I have to tell him to at least invite them over... lol. That's really disgusting about your ex... he sounds liike a creep (and that's me being nice!).
Author Jinnah Posted October 5, 2007 Author Posted October 5, 2007 No need. Here you go! http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t40398/ Wow, after reading that I am even more convinced that there are just people out there that will cheat on you no matter what a good person you are. Poor guy. I hope he is okay now.
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