Jinnah Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Men, why do you cheat on your wives? Women, why do you cheat on your husbands? Is it preventable (besides saying your spouse must conform to your every wish)? Is your spouse a horrible person (if so, how?) or are you just the "type" who cheats? Lots of people are wondering. Also, what are the signs that you are cheating (for those who are suspicious or just paranoid)?
reboot Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Boy, wouldn't it be nice to get a truthful answer to this....
Author Jinnah Posted October 3, 2007 Author Posted October 3, 2007 Boy, wouldn't it be nice to get a truthful answer to this.... Sure would be... Anyone? I'm looking for an honest response to get to the truth of the matter, not to bash anyone. I know this conversation has the potential to benefit many people out there.
Cobra_X30 Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 If I ever did this, it would be completely out of my own vindictive nature. I'm bieng completly honest. If I ever chose to cheat on someone... it would be with the intent to cause pain and suffering. To that point... I've done some pretty mean things... but I have yet to go that far.
lost4ever Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 well I don't like to post on this board, but here it goes...(mind you this is truth, not saying it is right) I cheated on my H, 1st because I was drunk we were seperated and I didn't want to be married anymore, thought it would push things along. I countinued the affair, because it was fun. Could it have been preventable, no not really It wasn't planned so I don't think it could have been prevented....I have said no more then a few times during my marriage, this time, this moment, everything was in line. So I guess if we weren't seperated, If I wasn't drunk, if I wasn't at a work party, if We would have hurried up and completed the divorce, it wouldn't have happened. My husband is not a horriable person, and I don't think I am the type that cheats, I don't ever want to go through this again, I can assure you that, and I never cheated before Signs I was cheating, the guarding the phone is a huge one, or shutting off the ringer all the time. ummmm, lets see what else did I do (I wasn;t caught so it's hard to think of) and the op lived far away, and really the only time we were together was on business (neither one in home town), I bought a lot of new underware during the affair....
Author Jinnah Posted October 4, 2007 Author Posted October 4, 2007 well I don't like to post on this board, but here it goes...(mind you this is truth, not saying it is right) I cheated on my H, 1st because I was drunk we were seperated and I didn't want to be married anymore, thought it would push things along. I countinued the affair, because it was fun. Could it have been preventable, no not really It wasn't planned so I don't think it could have been prevented....I have said no more then a few times during my marriage, this time, this moment, everything was in line. So I guess if we weren't seperated, If I wasn't drunk, if I wasn't at a work party, if We would have hurried up and completed the divorce, it wouldn't have happened. My husband is not a horriable person, and I don't think I am the type that cheats, I don't ever want to go through this again, I can assure you that, and I never cheated before Signs I was cheating, the guarding the phone is a huge one, or shutting off the ringer all the time. ummmm, lets see what else did I do (I wasn;t caught so it's hard to think of) and the op lived far away, and really the only time we were together was on business (neither one in home town), I bought a lot of new underware during the affair.... Thanks for responding, Lost4Ever. So you and your husband talked and agreed to separate? I know there are people out there that use the line "we're separated" but really aren't and the BS has no clue. I'm not saying you did that, I'm just clarifying that if the BS knew they were separated they could take actions to work at the marriage if they chose to, or just decide to let it fizzle out. Is it possible that the separation could have been prevented? You made a good point in there and I'm not sure you realized it: a sign would be lots of marital issues, which I'm sure your spouse was aware of. I'm not saying this is a reason to cheat, I'm just saying it could be a sign to a BS; a troubled marriage. So do you think that if your husband had worked with you to fix the marriage before it got to the point of separation, you would have stayed married and not cheated? Or did you not love him anymore? Sorry for the unorganized response... I'm tired! I guess I'm also trying to find out if a person really works at their marriage can adultery be prevented as a lot people like to say? Can a person "affair-proof" their marriage in a lot of instances?
lost4ever Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 We were seperated as in not living together anymore., (this to me meant, I want to divorce you, to him I think it meant take a break) So do you think that if your husband had worked with you to fix the marriage before it got to the point of separation, you would have stayed married and not cheated? Or did you not love him anymore? We were in mc before and during the seperation, in hind-sight I knew it was over, I am one of the women who kept things bottled up until I couldn't deal with it anymore so yes, the love was gone, and I should have made it very clear that it was the end, but I didn't...and I would tell you other horrible things (like not telling him of the affair, and then moving back in just to give it one more try) that were in fact wrong, and very selfish but I really do not feel like being blasted by everyone, so I am going back to my side of the tracks... ;-)
Author Jinnah Posted October 4, 2007 Author Posted October 4, 2007 We were seperated as in not living together anymore., (this to me meant, I want to divorce you, to him I think it meant take a break) So do you think that if your husband had worked with you to fix the marriage before it got to the point of separation, you would have stayed married and not cheated? Or did you not love him anymore? We were in mc before and during the seperation, in hind-sight I knew it was over, I am one of the women who kept things bottled up until I couldn't deal with it anymore so yes, the love was gone, and I should have made it very clear that it was the end, but I didn't...and I would tell you other horrible things (like not telling him of the affair, and then moving back in just to give it one more try) that were in fact wrong, and very selfish but I really do not feel like being blasted by everyone, so I am going back to my side of the tracks... ;-) Don't worry, I'm not trying to blast you. Your situation (the fact that you lived separately) was a big sign to your spouse. I'm just trying to figure out if there are any real, concrete signs... in your case there was. You guys were actually separated. Yes, it would have been better if you clarified that it was not just a break, but we all make mistakes. Thanks for your input.
silktricks Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 It was a loooonnnnggggg time ago. (A time I'm not too crazy about remembering if the truth be told.) So, I'd been married for about 7 years, had two kids under the age of three and my husband had been unfaithful (it turned out to be a number of times). We were separated and I didn't think it would be possible to forgive him, but I was feeling pretty guilty about the idea of denying my kids their father. So.... an old boyfriend (who had just gotten divorced himself) called me. We connected, and I spent I dunno, 6 months(?) playing both sides of the field. Finally, I realized I really didn't want either one of them. I told the old bf I was done, and not very long after that divorced the H. A few months (maybe a year?) later I met the man I'm now married to. Signs? God, I really don't remember. I'm not the "type" who cheats - I'm not really convinced there is a "type". It was completely preventable. Had my husband not been catting around, I would not have cheated myself (by the way, no excuse, I shouldn't have done it, and I believe I've paid a price for those actions).
rockerdude Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 Men, why do you cheat on your wives? Women, why do you cheat on your husbands? Is it preventable (besides saying your spouse must conform to your every wish)? Is your spouse a horrible person (if so, how?) or are you just the "type" who cheats? Lots of people are wondering. Also, what are the signs that you are cheating (for those who are suspicious or just paranoid)? I never cheated during my marriage. With that said...when I was younger and in a relationship (and in a band...not good for relationships, mind you) I cheated on a girlfriend or two. Why? Easy. Just for the fun of sex. Nothing more-nothing less. When a woman is willing, it is attractive. I have found out since that...as far as the girl I was gettinng to have sex with... I was probably the object of her "revenge" on her boyfriend, "revenge" on the girl I was in fact seeing, "rebellion" to someone telling her "don't do it", fulfilling her "Narcissistic supply", "her vanity", her "desire" to be "appreciated/Goddess syndrome" or because she was "sexually abused" and feels power whenever "she" gets to be in control... but more importantly I think it all boils down to people do it because it is "LUST" and "a power trip". They do not want to put in the effort to "work" it out with you cause YOU have a problem with THEM....so they go find someone else, who doesn't know them really and they are able to be/have/do what they really want to do sexually....except they don't do it with you BECAUSE.....they respect YOU and do not want YOU to think BADLY of THEM. It is called PERVERSION...it is INVERTED THINKING and it ruins everything. (There..how's that?) But then again..I am really only talking about my ex, now aren't I...~laughs~...that witch..!!!
Author Jinnah Posted October 4, 2007 Author Posted October 4, 2007 It was a loooonnnnggggg time ago. (A time I'm not too crazy about remembering if the truth be told.) So, I'd been married for about 7 years, had two kids under the age of three and my husband had been unfaithful (it turned out to be a number of times). We were separated and I didn't think it would be possible to forgive him, but I was feeling pretty guilty about the idea of denying my kids their father. So.... an old boyfriend (who had just gotten divorced himself) called me. We connected, and I spent I dunno, 6 months(?) playing both sides of the field. Finally, I realized I really didn't want either one of them. I told the old bf I was done, and not very long after that divorced the H. A few months (maybe a year?) later I met the man I'm now married to. Signs? God, I really don't remember. I'm not the "type" who cheats - I'm not really convinced there is a "type". It was completely preventable. Had my husband not been catting around, I would not have cheated myself (by the way, no excuse, I shouldn't have done it, and I believe I've paid a price for those actions). I know you could have made better choices, Silktricks, but I understand your position. I would have left the jerk myself... I can't put up with cheating. If you are religious, ask God to forgive you, forgive yourself for what you did (if you haven't already), and then let go. You sound like a nice person who still feels guilty. Your husband did some horrible things to you. I agree that, in your case, it was completely preventable... your husband had control of that situation. Do you know why he cheated? Was it just for the thrill of it like a lot of men say?
Jinxx Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 Women, why do you cheat on your husbands? quote] Not only did he get fat (and I don't mean a few pounds) which led me to become unattracted to him, he is pathological liar. The liar part took me awhile to figure out as he was quite convincing. And the time I did cheat was with anohter MM which lasted awhile but not my thing now.
Author Jinnah Posted October 4, 2007 Author Posted October 4, 2007 I never cheated during my marriage. With that said...when I was younger and in a relationship (and in a band...not good for relationships, mind you) I cheated on a girlfriend or two. Why? Easy. Just for the fun of sex. Nothing more-nothing less. When a woman is willing, it is attractive. I have found out since that...as far as the girl I was gettinng to have sex with... I was probably the object of her "revenge" on her boyfriend, "revenge" on the girl I was in fact seeing, "rebellion" to someone telling her "don't do it", fulfilling her "Narcissistic supply", "her vanity", her "desire" to be "appreciated/Goddess syndrome" or because she was "sexually abused" and feels power whenever "she" gets to be in control... but more importantly I think it all boils down to people do it because it is "LUST" and "a power trip". They do not want to put in the effort to "work" it out with you cause YOU have a problem with THEM....so they go find someone else, who doesn't know them really and they are able to be/have/do what they really want to do sexually....except they don't do it with you BECAUSE.....they respect YOU and do not want YOU to think BADLY of THEM. It is called PERVERSION...it is INVERTED THINKING and it ruins everything. (There..how's that?) But then again..I am really only talking about my ex, now aren't I...~laughs~...that witch..!!! So do you think that if the person you cheated on provided you with all the sex you could possibly want (or almost as much), you still would have cheated? As far as the "revenge", if her BF would have treated her right, do you think she would have cheated? If he would have help raise her self-esteem, would she not have cheated? Do you think it's true that people cheat because they are sexually unsatisfied, their SO puts them down or isn't there for them, or makes them feel unattractive, or that their relationship is (badly) on the rocks (I'm not talking minor problems)? I'm basically asking if you have a good relationship with open communication does that help prevent/deter affairs? I am in no way placing the blame on the SO. I feel that the full responsibility lies in the choice of the person who cheated, but I just want to know if the SO plays even a small role in this as some OW/OM suggest.
Author Jinnah Posted October 4, 2007 Author Posted October 4, 2007 Women, why do you cheat on your husbands? quote] Not only did he get fat (and I don't mean a few pounds) which led me to become unattracted to him, he is pathological liar. The liar part took me awhile to figure out as he was quite convincing. And the time I did cheat was with anohter MM which lasted awhile but not my thing now. Do you know why the MM cheated on his spouse?
directx Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 Not only did he get fat (and I don't mean a few pounds) which led me to become unattracted to him, he is pathological liar. The liar part took me awhile to figure out as he was quite convincing. And the time I did cheat was with anohter MM which lasted awhile but not my thing now. I can relate with what Jinxx is saying reason wise. Unattraction, betrayal, loss of trust, etc. So I think there is something there. I recently have had cheating experience that I think I should probably share soon, but I will not hijack this thread.
reboot Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 "Unattraction, betrayal, loss of trust, etc." Reasons to divorce, not to cheat. Divorce solves the problem, cheating doesn't.
dbtmarley Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 Woman buys new underwear=cheating, check! I got it stored in the memory banks now. Her dayum drawers better be falling apart before she buys anymore... and they better be bloomers!!!!
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 Why did I cheat? Opportunity, validation, boredom, the usual. My reasons were all internal, having little or nothing to do with the person I was with. Whose fault was it? My own. Why did I stop? I resolved the issues that led me down that path, and have absolutely no compulsions to go down that path again.
noforgiveness Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 lol dbtmarley! My husband is always buying me sexy undies. Maybe that's a sign I should have an affair.
directx Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 Woman buys new underwear=cheating, check! I got it stored in the memory banks now. Her dayum drawers better be falling apart before she buys anymore... and they better be bloomers!!!! Bloomers can be hot on the right person!
Author Jinnah Posted October 4, 2007 Author Posted October 4, 2007 I can relate with what Jinxx is saying reason wise. Unattraction, betrayal, loss of trust, etc. So I think there is something there. I recently have had cheating experience that I think I should probably share soon, but I will not hijack this thread. I don't mind, Directx... this thread is to get to the bottom of an affair, if that makes any sense.
Author Jinnah Posted October 4, 2007 Author Posted October 4, 2007 I don't think anyone ever deserves to get cheated on ever. I just want to know if the reasons people cheat are things that could have easily been avoided. I know people have said they cheated because their spouse was horrible to them. I still do not think the "horrible" spouse deserved that (the WS should have left them then), but I'm sure there are people out there in relationships that do not realize their actions may be contributing to the possibility of an affair, and I'm sure if they knew, they would change things in the relationship. That's why communication is SO important in a marriage. I bet if the spouse considering the affair told the spouse what they were considering and why, these problems could be solved, right? It sounds like LB has brought up a valid point. Some people just cheat for the heck of it, and there is nothing their SO could have done. I 100% agree, Reboot. LOL, DBTMarley.
directx Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 "Unattraction, betrayal, loss of trust, etc." Reasons to divorce, not to cheat. Divorce solves the problem, cheating doesn't. Well, divorce solves the 'problem' if the SO doesn't want to address or work on any of the stated above. But divorce also can create more problems. There are different levels of betrayal, and unattraction and loss of trust can be a really gradual process that may not happen all at once. I wasn't justifying cheating at all. My point was the reasons I stated above can contribute for the urge to seek something else. I tink when someone gets the 'urge' to cheat, that should be a flag to that person that something else is wrong with their committed relationship that should be addressed. Something they may not realize.
luvmy2ns Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 People who are cheating are always going to make it someone else's fault so they'll not look quite so bad, so you're bound to get skewed results with a straight forward question like that.
reboot Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 Which is why I initially said, "wouldn't it be nice to get a truthful answer".
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