my_life Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Hello All! I am a newbie here and I need some advise! I was reading through the forums and I could have posted in so many of them! I'm a divorced single mom of 4. I went through a HORRIBLE divorce that ended with my ex in prison for my attempted murder. Then I became involved with a MM. I know too much drama ALREADY!! So, now I've been trying to recover from all of that and move on. While still trying to keep my sanity. I wasn't looking for a new relationship but 5 months ago I met a younger man (I'm 32 he's 26) at a local bar. He was cute and had a good personality so we began to see each other on a casual basis. He was my BOOTY CALL!! After a month or so things started to develop into something more. I've kept a LARGE guard up to try to make sure I don't make any of the mistakes I made in the past. This man has been great to me. Very honest and up front. We spend a lot of time together, sex is FABULOUS, and he's great with my children. I've meet his family, he's met mine. Even though we are going great I find my self TERRIFIED of being hurt. Whenever we get closer I do something to start an argument. Which is difficult because he doesn't like to argue. I'll accuse him of seeing someone else. I'll get upset about his son's mother. Even though I know there's nothing between them. I've even MET HER!! After the last time I did this I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't do it again. I can't punish him for what other men have done to me. BUT last night I did it again!! We haven't said I love you yet. But yesterday when we ere getting off the phone I said it. IT JUST SLIPPED OUT!!! OMG I could have died! i hung up real fast...feeling like a jerk! He asked me if I really loved him when we were laying in bed later. I told him I did but I didn't mean tell him like THAT! He smiled and looked deep into my eyes. But he didn't say I love you back. This caused me to go into PANIC MODE!!! I started crying and acting like a 2 year old. PLEASE TELL ME WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???? HOW CAN I FIX THIS??? CAN I SAVE THIS RELATIONSHIP OR HAVE I WENT TO FAR INTO CRAZY TOWN??????
Author my_life Posted October 16, 2007 Author Posted October 16, 2007 Well.... I haven't has any responses to this. So....I worked this one out on my own. We had a tense week or so but ended up getting everything worked out. He never said he loved me back BUT he took me out to dinner and told me he cared for me more than anyone else EVER!! He's never been able to be faithful to one woman and for the first time in his life he is with me! He told me he also cares for my children. That's some heavy SH*T!!! A paranoid person (like myself) can take that information and run with it! LOL
Trialbyfire Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 Are you moving from man to man without giving yourself time to learn about yourself and why you need the drama in your relationships?
Author my_life Posted October 17, 2007 Author Posted October 17, 2007 Are you moving from man to man without giving yourself time to learn about yourself and why you need the drama in your relationships? It's funny you asked this question...my best friend and I were talking about this last night! This is why I wasn't "looking" for a relationship when I met my BF and why I keep getting cold feet. I do have some things to work out from my past. The question I keep asking myself is.... Do I let a good man go so I can work through my "baggage"?
Author my_life Posted October 17, 2007 Author Posted October 17, 2007 downtown crazy town... :laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:
Author my_life Posted October 17, 2007 Author Posted October 17, 2007 relax, there's nothing to fix... Thanks
Trialbyfire Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 It's funny you asked this question...my best friend and I were talking about this last night! This is why I wasn't "looking" for a relationship when I met my BF and why I keep getting cold feet. I do have some things to work out from my past. The question I keep asking myself is.... Do I let a good man go so I can work through my "baggage"? Yes you do, if you can't keep the two separate. Do you feel it's fair to punish someone else, while you attempt to work through your issues? The other possibility is to have some wide-open dialogue with your b/f and let him know about your "baggage", so he knows what he's dealing with. This will provide him with the opportunity to decide whether he's capable and willing to handle a relationship fraught full of booby traps.
Author my_life Posted October 17, 2007 Author Posted October 17, 2007 Yes you do, if you can't keep the two separate. Do you feel it's fair to punish someone else, while you attempt to work through your issues? The other possibility is to have some wide-open dialogue with your b/f and let him know about your "baggage", so he knows what he's dealing with. This will provide him with the opportunity to decide whether he's capable and willing to handle a relationship fraught full of booby traps. BOOBY TRAPS? FUNNY! I have been very up front an honest about my "baggage". He knows about the ex-husband and the MM. He knows that I may need to relocate when my ex is released from prison in five years. He's been very understanding!! The only situation he's sensitive about is the MM. I try so hard to keep our relationship seperate from that CRAP! It's hard though. I try not to deal with him based on my past relationships with JACKA$$es. He has told me that I am the first woman he's EVER been faithful too! EVER!! That fact makes my heart skip a beat. But it also scares the HOLY CRAP out of me!!! FOR REAL!! (Am I repeating myself? SORRY) My good friend told me I need to trust him until he gives me reason not too. How do I do that??? I may be a grown woman but when it comes to realtionships I'm all of 15
Trialbyfire Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 BOOBY TRAPS? FUNNY! I have been very up front an honest about my "baggage". He knows about the ex-husband and the MM. He knows that I may need to relocate when my ex is released from prison in five years. He's been very understanding!! The only situation he's sensitive about is the MM. I try so hard to keep our relationship seperate from that CRAP! It's hard though. I try not to deal with him based on my past relationships with JACKA$$es. He has told me that I am the first woman he's EVER been faithful too! EVER!! That fact makes my heart skip a beat. But it also scares the HOLY CRAP out of me!!! FOR REAL!! (Am I repeating myself? SORRY) My good friend told me I need to trust him until he gives me reason not too. How do I do that??? I may be a grown woman but when it comes to realtionships I'm all of 15 As long as he's aware of everything, he's a big boy, therefore is taking his own risks. Yikes, to historical patterning. I can't help you with that. It's up to you, if you feel he's trustworthy or not. All I will say is, never trust blindly.
Cobra_X30 Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 I try not to deal with him based on my past relationships with JACKA$$es. He has told me that I am the first woman he's EVER been faithful too! EVER!! That fact makes my heart skip a beat. But it also scares the HOLY CRAP out of me!!! FOR REAL!! (Am I repeating myself? SORRY) Thats bad newz! Wait for it... wait for it.... Splat! Thats the poo hitting the fan!
sunshinegirl Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 He has told me that I am the first woman he's EVER been faithful too! EVER!! This is a major red flag. How do you know he's being faithful to you NOW? Chronic cheaters have well developed ways to deceive, lie, and otherwise cover up their actions. No offense at all intended to you, I'm sure you're a wonderful person, but what is SO different, SO special about you that he's now able to be faithful, when by his own admission he has never been able to before? You are very much in the honeymoon stage, please don't forget that. It's easy to overlook potentially negative things, so as a stranger completely removed from the emotion and excitement of your new relationship, that is the thing that stuck out to me the most in what you wrote. Have you asked him to describe how/why/when he cheated in ALL of his prior relationships? You should definitely ask, and you definitely deserve straight answers.
sunshinegirl Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 My good friend told me I need to trust him until he gives me reason not too. Um...here's a reason not to: he has cheated in EVERY SINGLE OTHER RELATIONSHIP HE HAS EVER HAD.
izzylicious Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 While I agree that the red flags are there for "cheating man", it sounds like you have some relationship issues too. My suggestion would be to go to a therapist and report all of your behaviors and get the help you need to work through your own issues. Whether or not the relationship fails or succeeds, you will at least have better control over yourself that way. If you keep up these behaviors, any GOOD, HEALTHY man will, and should, run the other direction. How long would you stay with someone who accused you of bad behavior and started fights with you? I wouldn't last more than a week.
Author my_life Posted October 17, 2007 Author Posted October 17, 2007 quote=sunshinegirl;1364617]This is a major red flag. How do you know he's being faithful to you NOW? ]He hasn't proven otherwise. He enjoys spending time with me. He's involved me in all of his life. For example he's done with his work day before me...he'll call me and let me know what his plans are or he'll bring me lunch at work. When I'm done he's at my house right after I get home. My point is there's no time where he's MIA! Or does sneaky cheating behavior. I was married to the WORST cheater EVER!!!!! I know the signs....turning off the cell phone when I'm around, not anwering the phone when I call, ALWAYS out with the "boys"...so on and so on.....He doesn't so ANY of these![/[/b]QUOTE] Chronic cheaters have well developed ways to deceive, lie, and otherwise cover up their actions. No offense at all intended to you, I'm sure you're a wonderful person, but what is SO different, SO special about you that he's now able to be faithful, when by his own admission he has never been able to before? You are very much in the honeymoon stage, please don't forget that. It's easy to overlook potentially negative things, so as a stranger completely removed from the emotion and excitement of your new relationship, that is the thing that stuck out to me the most in what you wrote. Have you asked him to describe how/why/when he cheated in ALL of his prior relationships? You should definitely ask, and you definitely deserve straight answers. We have talked about this on many occasions. He freely talks about his past and the reasons he made some bad decisions. It seems he's on the up and up. He tells me that he sees his faults and wants to be a better man and have a different kind of relationship. He admires that I am a single mom, working, professional woman who wants no BS!!! But I understand your words of caution and I DON'T want to be blinded by this honeymoon stage. Is it possible for a man to be faithful? Is it possible for a man to really make changes in his life?
Author my_life Posted October 17, 2007 Author Posted October 17, 2007 While I agree that the red flags are there for "cheating man", it sounds like you have some relationship issues too. My suggestion would be to go to a therapist and report all of your behaviors and get the help you need to work through your own issues. Whether or not the relationship fails or succeeds, you will at least have better control over yourself that way. If you keep up these behaviors, any GOOD, HEALTHY man will, and should, run the other direction. How long would you stay with someone who accused you of bad behavior and started fights with you? I wouldn't last more than a week. Good point!!! Thanks! I sure do start unnecessary fights........
Author my_life Posted October 18, 2007 Author Posted October 18, 2007 Now I've really DONE IT!! This is becoming SAD...FOR REAL!!! BF left to go see his brother. I thought he was being rude to me before he left and I was pissed. After he left the house my best guy friend showed up at my house to say HI. I called BF to let him know and OMG he was PISSED!!! Now we are in this huge nasty fight. I THINK IT MIGHT BE OVER......................
Author my_life Posted October 18, 2007 Author Posted October 18, 2007 Last night was difficult! When BF returned to my house I could see in his eyes that I had hurt him! We fussed and tried to talk it out. REALATIONSHIPS ARE SOOOOOOOOO HARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Today I wrote him a letter apologizing for huting his feelings and explaining how I fell. I have such a guard up that it's hard to express my true feelings face to face. i gave the letter to him when he came to my work for a kiss! I'm nervous for his reaction later..........
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