CaliGuy Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 There are a lot of post here from men who do not seem to understand the difference between being GOOD and being a DOOR MAT. So, without going into a lot of detail, I want to again recommend the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Glover. This book doesn't teach you how to be a jerk. It teaches you how needy, clingy, door mat behavior pushes women away from you instead of drawing them closer. It teaches you how seeking approval from others is wrong and why doing "nice things" for people, expecting something nice in return is manipulative and not "nice." If you feel like you're being taken advantage of often, if you constantly feel like you have to do things for people to be accepted or loved, READ THE BOOK. Just today I received a PM thanking me for recommending the book. The person who wrote me has already learned a great deal about their past behavior and how it ruined relationships. The book isn't expensive nor is it long. But reading it will make a huge difference in your life if you feel you're just a nice guy who is often taken advantage of. Cheers.
niceguy27 Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Ironic you mentioned this. I just got the book today and am starting to read it. I finally took a stand with my ex just yesterday about all her stuff at my house. Feeling a little better already.
Author CaliGuy Posted October 3, 2007 Author Posted October 3, 2007 Ironic you mentioned this. I just got the book today and am starting to read it. I finally took a stand with my ex just yesterday about all her stuff at my house. Feeling a little better already. Good work. But you don't need to leave. In fact, I wouldn't (just to make sure she doesn't take anything she should not have). I'd just go into another room and mind my own business. Don't make excuses to talk to her.
niceguy27 Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 There is nothing for her to really take and I trust her with stuff like that. I have all her stuff together ready to go. I was just going to tell her I completely forgot I had plans with a buddy to meet up tonight and have to go after showing her where everything is.
Author CaliGuy Posted October 3, 2007 Author Posted October 3, 2007 There is nothing for her to really take and I trust her with stuff like that. I have all her stuff together ready to go. I was just going to tell her I completely forgot I had plans with a buddy to meet up tonight and have to go after showing her where everything is. That will sound contrived. If you leave while she is there, she's going to know that you're doing so to avoid facing her. To overcome your fears in life you must face them. I'd stick around but not make myself readily available. Don't get emotional around her. Just show her indifference. Like you don't care. Because really in the end, she is the one who chose to give up on you, not the other way around, so it's HER loss.
alterego1234 Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Just chiming in here that I have the book requested via ILL. (I'm cheap.) Read some excerpts from the book over at Amazon, and I think it will be a quick read and the idea is easy enough. What will be harder is changing the behavior because that will take facing fears. I am also realizing that it's not just with my ex, too. It's with my kids, my parents, my employer, and some (but not all) friends. So I need to get my stuff together for a lot of reasons, but all of them will be good for me. I'll be interested to see if it addresses how to be nice without being manipulative. I don't want to become callous or macho, just secure and confident.
niceguy27 Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 I should of thought of that. She does know me pretty well and she would see through that. What about just moving all the stuff into the garage so she can load it up herself. That way shes not running through the house while I site there and watch tv or something. But I get your point about being indifferent about the whole thing. I am not letting her use my jeep to haul the stuff out. Shes going to be using her own vehicle as I will not help her drive it over to her place. And fyi, yesterday her mother called to talk about her stuff and I just repeated to her..."She left me not the other way around. Im not going to be put out anymore for something SHE chose to do."
Author CaliGuy Posted October 3, 2007 Author Posted October 3, 2007 Just chiming in here that I have the book requested via ILL. (I'm cheap.) Read some excerpts from the book over at Amazon, and I think it will be a quick read and the idea is easy enough. What will be harder is changing the behavior because that will take facing fears. Again, the only way to overcome your fears is to face them head on. I am also realizing that it's not just with my ex, too. It's with my kids, my parents, my employer, and some (but not all) friends. So I need to get my stuff together for a lot of reasons, but all of them will be good for me. Yes, being a "door mat" nice guy is not confined to romantic relationships. It spans all relationships in general. I'll be interested to see if it addresses how to be nice without being manipulative. I don't want to become callous or macho, just secure and confident. It tells you how to be GOOD (calm, confident, self-assured), not "nice." You want to strive to be a good person who does nice things without an agenda attached. The book doesn't teach you how to be a jerk and that's the greatest misconception. Not being "nice" (door mat) does not imply you have to be a jerk. It simply means that you stop doing nice things for others expecting something in return and learn to seek approval within. Once you read the book this will become very clear to you how it's applied in real life.
Author CaliGuy Posted October 3, 2007 Author Posted October 3, 2007 I should of thought of that. She does know me pretty well and she would see through that. What about just moving all the stuff into the garage so she can load it up herself. That way shes not running through the house while I site there and watch tv or something. But I get your point about being indifferent about the whole thing. I am not letting her use my jeep to haul the stuff out. Shes going to be using her own vehicle as I will not help her drive it over to her place. To be honest, this is the best plan. Take all her stuff, move it to the garage, open the door when she comes and simply ask her to let you know when she is done. Then, when she lets you know she's done, simply close the garage door and "slam the door" on any attempt she makes to start a conversation. Don't offer to help her, don't offer to listen to her whine and most definitely don't talk about the relationship or what either of you did wrong. Just act indifferent and never let her see you sweat. And fyi, yesterday her mother called to talk about her stuff and I just repeated to her..."She left me not the other way around. Im not going to be put out anymore for something SHE chose to do." You shouldn't be talking to her mom anymore either. It is an unfortunate part of a breakup, losing her family members, but again this isn't a choice you made, but one you have to deal with. You need to take the necessary steps to break off the relationship with her family as well.
reboot Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 I guess he didn't believe all this same advice he got in HIS thread.
niceguy27 Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 haha. I did. I did. I just had that one last thing about staying or leaving. No reason to leave. Just gut it out. Besides, this Caliguy has like 4,000 posts so hes seen and heard everything. Lets make him our moderator. I'll slink back over to my own thread now...
Author CaliGuy Posted October 3, 2007 Author Posted October 3, 2007 I guess he didn't believe all this same advice he got in HIS thread. Sometimes it takes hearing the same advice over and over before it sinks in. The heart often interferes with one's ability to think clearly. Something our Pastor said on Saturday really struck a chord in my mind. "Your emotions drop your IQ by 100." He's 100% correct. When we get angry, become bitter or otherwise become emotional during an interaction with someone, we can't think clearly and our intelligence drops. In this case, he knows the right thing to do but his heart is interfering with his ability to think clearly. The sooner he reads the book and starts putting things into practice, the sooner he'll heal and become the confident guy he wants to be.
reboot Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 No one in the other thread thought you should leave either, we just all thought you should pile it up in the yard so she wouldn't have to come in.
loveinlife Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Just today I received a PM thanking me for recommending the book. The person who wrote me has already learned a great deal about their past behavior and how it ruined relationships. . It was me who Pmed Cali, im not done with the book yet but it has changed some of the negatitive thoughts i have, i still have 50 more pages to go and will come back on this thread to share my view of No More Mr. Nice Guy.
niceguy27 Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 I think its a good book so far. Some of the points it makes about what makes a "nice guy" is fairly accurate so far. I havent gotten too far into but I think its going to a good read.
fabulousgal Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 If you feel like you're being taken advantage of often, if you constantly feel like you have to do things for people to be accepted or loved Do you think this book will apply to women as well?
Author CaliGuy Posted October 3, 2007 Author Posted October 3, 2007 Do you think this book will apply to women as well? The concepts taught in the book, such as "Covert Contracts" and "Manipulation by doing nice things" would apply to male or female but the book is squarely centered on men. You could read it and I think you would learn some things, just keep in mind the audience the book is targeting.
loveinlife Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Do you think this book will apply to women as well? I haven't finished the book, but perhaps you can start understanding about the nice guy syndrome and avoid these type of men who won't be good relationship lovers. I have been the nice guy. Most of the points decribed, did talk a lot about my own experiences. I didn't know i had this problem until i started reading the book. i always thought i was great and wonderful loving person but failed in many circumstances in my life, from love to friends, that has prompted me to find out more about myself. This book gave me a glimpse of the box i was living in and is giving me a new meaning to live. Its interesting for me and helpful for nice guys. Like Cali said, the book is supplemental to men. have a nice day fab! =)
Bosiell Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Thanks for the recommedation Cali. Will defo check it out. One thing I have always been proud of with myself was that I was a genuine nice guy. But previous experiences has lead me to believe that sometimes that just isnt good enough.
Author CaliGuy Posted October 4, 2007 Author Posted October 4, 2007 Thanks for the recommedation Cali. Will defo check it out. One thing I have always been proud of with myself was that I was a genuine nice guy. But previous experiences has lead me to believe that sometimes that just isnt good enough. Read the book. It will definitely open your eyes.
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