ncpd25 Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Hi All, I've been on LS for the past few weeks after my g/f decided she didn't want to be with me anymore (I've got a couple of other threads). I think many of us here have experienced similar circumstances. I'm trying to figure out how people can stare somebody straight in the eyes and say "I am in love with you", "I love you" and "You are my soulmate" and then a few days later, they tell you: "I thought that's how I felt but, I didn't" With respect to my ex, she told me she was in love with me etc... and four days later said, she had a brainfart and decided it wasn't true. I can't understand how people can take those words/comments and throw them around like they're a punchline for a joke. Maybe, I'm an idiot but, I would only say those things to somebody if I knew that's how I felt. I never said them because, it sounded good at the time or that's what I thought the other person wanted to hear. I always believed those things were to be said with conviction and they were to come from deep inside your soul, not just an "off the cuff" statement. Then, we, the dumpees, sit around asking ourselves, "What the he** just happened"? I'd rather not hear it if they don't mean it. At least that way, I'm not pinning my hopes to any ideas of somebody actually caring about me. If it isn't meant and not said, at least, I know where I stand. As for my ex, I'm obviously still battling my thoughts and driving myself crazy. I know I'll never know how she truly felt or if she actually meant those things she said. It's difficult to take it at face value and say well, I guess she didn't mean it (although, she obviously didn't). My ex ran back to her ex boyfriend (who cheated on her and constantly lied to her). I told her they belonged together as he was deceitful to her and she was deceitful to me (like peas in a pod). I don't know, I'm confident, there are many variables as to why people say things they don't mean but, I just don't feel those are words that should be tossed around. Comments/Opinions?
Trialbyfire Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 I'll only say that it happens to dumpers too. People say things they don't mean for all kinds of reasons. Mostly they say it because they want to please and/or to get something from you. There's also the endorphin-high phase of a relationship, where people are hormonally driven, therefore, don't think very rationally. It's when they step back from the "moment", that their rational, and irrational mind with all its insecurities, takes over.
Author ncpd25 Posted October 3, 2007 Author Posted October 3, 2007 Hi Trial, I guess nobody is immune to being told those words and there is always a possibilty they are not true or from the heart. The unfortunate thing is, people don't step back and think before they speak. If it were something along the lines of "I would love to go to dinner with you tomorrow" and then they back out or don't show, that's one thing. If words are said that tug on peoples heart strings (dumpers or dumpees.... anybody), it can have a lasting effect. I would imagine anybody that has heard those words, especially in a relationship, has taken them seriously and believed it was true. Of course I'm "spit balling" due to my circumstances. It's something that has been on my mind since my break-up occurred. I guess I realize, it's possible for somebody to think they are in love but, as I said, those words shouldn't be used without understanding the impact of the words and how it can affect (both good and bad) the person you are saying them to. Thanks for your input!!
Trialbyfire Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 One thing you learn in life is that you can't judge people by their words. Always look to their actions. If their actions meet or exceed their words, believe it. Beyond that, words are cheap.
Reactor Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Actions speak louder than words. I guess sometimes we say things we don't mean, I said I loved my ex, but in reality I didn't really, nearly, but not quite. Sometimes love is defined by what we don't do and don't say - it just is.
Msblueyes Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 I was also doing some reading that said people can be "emotionally" attached. And if you're in the break phase, maybe when you loved one says they love you, it's because they're emotionally attached, not "in love". This bothers me the worst. I'm sure my, god, I don't know what to call him now, let's say, man I've loved for 7 years, when he says he loves me, he hasn't said, I'm in love with you. Know what I mean? Maybe I'm emotionally attached, too, but, I think I've been in love with "my fantasy" and not the reality of what is...because we have no intimacy. It's very scary and makes me just about to burst into tears as I write my feelings here. I can't hardly stand myself these past couple days. I don't know if with him leaving on Friday it will be any easier (out of sight thing?), but it's hard knowing the day is coming.
Author ncpd25 Posted October 3, 2007 Author Posted October 3, 2007 Blue, I think there is a monumental difference between loving and being IN love. That's what's sticking in my head. My ex would tell me she is IN love with me as well as saying she loved me. She would tell me she would get a warm feeling inside whenever, she heard my voice or saw me. Then in a couple of days, it all changed. I understand your comment of being emotionally attached. I guess it's an easy thing to fall into and not even realize it. I take comments like "I'm in love with you" and hope somebody would think, "those are strong, serious words, do I really mean them"? Blue, I hope things take a positive turn and you are soon able to resolve some of those negative feelings that you are dealing with. Talk to you soon!
Msblueyes Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 Blue, I think there is a monumental difference between loving and being IN love. That's what's sticking in my head. My ex would tell me she is IN love with me as well as saying she loved me. She would tell me she would get a warm feeling inside whenever, she heard my voice or saw me. Then in a couple of days, it all changed. I understand your comment of being emotionally attached. I guess it's an easy thing to fall into and not even realize it. I take comments like "I'm in love with you" and hope somebody would think, "those are strong, serious words, do I really mean them"? Blue, I hope things take a positive turn and you are soon able to resolve some of those negative feelings that you are dealing with. Talk to you soon! Thanx. See I've always been "in love" with my STBX. I know what it feels like to just look at someone with stars in your eyes. However, he hasn't said he's "in love" with me, just loves me. Yeah, my Xhusband loved me too. I was previously married for almost 12 years & been with this one since I got divorced seven years ago almost exactly to the day. So, I guess I feel like I'm in the process of another divorce because of the time factor.
Author ncpd25 Posted October 4, 2007 Author Posted October 4, 2007 Blue, I'm sorry you're having to experience those feelings again. I think you proved to me that, somebody would know when they're "in love". I know it's possible somebody could "think" they're in love but, it boggles me how somebody could stop on a dime and decide they were wrong. My ex always told me she would get butterflies in her stomach when she saw me. And as soon as I was in her view, she would run into my arms! She would have a smile on her face from ear to ear. I couldn't help but think, she was genuinely "in love' with me when she said it. I realize, she had a history with her ex boyfriend (Similar to yours). She met him as soon as she separated from her husband and was with him for 4 years, on and off. He was just getting seperated from his wife and my ex gave him $25,000 for his divorce ( he said he had no money for it). She later found out that his wife paid for the divorce and he ended up buying a boat and other frivilous things. He never paid her back and that was over 2 years ago. She spoke negatively about him and told me he was always lying to her and he was dating somebody else behind her back. She ended up telling me that he said, he only dated the other woman, never slept with her (possible but doubtful). Nonetheless, she believed him. If she did, in fact, run back to him, which is the strong impression I got, I can't understand what would possess her to do that. Five days before she broke up with me, she told me he stopped by her house one night (unannounced) and he explained why he constantly lied to her and she said, she felt comfortable with his reasoning. She knows he always lied to her in the past but, she didn't question his integrity when he gave her more excuses. She told me, she needed to maintain a "friendship" with him so she could get her money back, eventhough there was loan paperwork. I don't know, maybe I'm thinking about this too much (in fact, I know I am). I'm trying to put it behind me and move on. NC hasn't been a problem. I'm just trying to understand things I'll never get answers to??
annabelle75 Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 I admit that I've said it when I didn't mean it. I dated a guy once that kept saying it over and over again (sneaking it into emails and stuff). I finally said it back to him one day because I didn't want to hurt his feelings. I really did like him and wanted to continue dating him, so I figured it was the right thing to do. I didn't want to upset him. When we broke up eventually he took it really hard. I chose not to tell him that I wasn't really in love with him because I thought it would cause him even more unneeded pain.
Msblueyes Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 I'm not even sure I know what love is anymore except for the love of my children. I think that's a safer love at this point. I know they love me. But as far as relationships go, I'm totally confused right now because I do know the difference between loving someone & being "in love" with someone. And I think others here are right, you can know if someone's "in love" with you by their actions, not just the "I love you."
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