When is enough enough?

[Medea]

Hello,

 

I'm new here and desperately needing to share my story and would love some advice. My bf and I of two years have been getting in these huge fights to the point of breaking up, about once a month for the past four months. I think we are beating a dead horse.

 

It started in July when I found out he was talking to girls on msn and later him and his friends would meet up with them went they went out for "guys nights". Found pictures on facebook with her arms all wrapped around him. I called him on it. We founght, basically broke up, he was mad at first saying I was accusing him of something and didn't trust him. He later apoligized and said it would never happen again. Two weeks later it happened again, almost the exact same thing including more pictures of them in a bar with their arms around each other. No kissing but people on facebook thought they were dating!! He didn't call to say goodnight and didn't answer his phone when I called. The morning after he went out he called and I told him it was over. He showed up later that day at my place, crying and saying he would do anything. We decided to try once again.

 

So we tried and things were good ...except his cell phone which was previously attached to his head and constantly ringing was now always on silent. Or hidden away in his car. For a month. It was bizarre because his young son would always call him on it which meant he was missing his calls. It wasn't sitting right and it was constantly bothering me, so I asked him about it. This was another fight and another break up. He waited two days and showed up at my house with flowers and told me he didn't want to lose me. He said he had the cell phone on silent because when his friends that were girls (which he never mentioned in the two years we dated) text him he didnt want me to get mad. He agreed to leave the phone on and although I wasn't completely convinced we gave it yet another try.

 

The phone has been on, he's recieved several texts, I try to trust him and don't even mention it. A couple of times his phone rings and he doesn't answer. I still give his the benefit of the doubt. But lately hes been great one minute and moody and distant the next. We went for a trip last w/e and he was quiet the whole time. I called him from work yesterday and he was super moody but he had been great a couple of hours before. I ask whats up, because something is apparently wrong. He denies it and says "Why are you asking me so many questions". I tell him I don't know what his problem is but I'll call him tonight when he's in a better mood. Something was definately wrong.

 

So I get home and all his stuff is gone from my place. We don't live together but he stays with me when he doesn't have his son , stays with his parents when he does. He was at a hockey game so I gave him a call and ask if hes coming over later. He says "I don't know I might go home to cool off". What? At this point I'm getting upset because I don't know whats wrong, I haven't done anything but he needs to cool off because hes mad at me? I start to cry and I ask him to come over and talk about it but he doesn't. He lets me go while I'm crying and asking whats going on. He calls after the game on his way to his parents. By this time I have scraped up just enough self respect to be angry. I tell him it's not fair to be like this to a person and give no reason why, and I deserve better. He keeps saying "I Have to go". So for the first time ever I hung up on him. I got a text later saying "I can't believe you hung up on me" but thats it. I don't text him or call back. I was up all last night either angry or crying. The past four months have been quite bad, and emotionally drainning.

 

Now I've worked quite hard to be with the guy. We were long distance for 8 months before I moved to be with him. I've tried to be understanding, forgiving, empathetic, and I've tried to communicate our problems and work through them one after another. I'm not perfect but I certainly don't text and talk to guys or meet up with them in bars. I am honest. I'm also fed up. We just don't seem to get along any more and it starting to really take its toll on my sanity and my self esteem. If he tries to work it out again (he likely will)and starts calling I think I should just walk away from him. But at this point I am so frigged up I don't even trust my own judgement. Sorry for the length of this. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Krying]

Hi Medea. I'm not sure what advice I can give you, but your situation sounds tricky. Either your guy likes you or he doesn't. He's either confused because you are calling him on his behavior and thus he will not be able to live his life how he wants to with his facebook hussies and so on, or he's just an idiot and doesn't have the skills to be a player behind your back.

 

I agree it's not fair to anyone to always be wondering why this happens and that. I still don't have a clue why my relationship ended. Nothing makes sense to me and I'm trying to simply not think about it anymore.

 

For you, I think the best advice is to go NC. Don't let this guy come back into your life after only 2 days and some flowers. Make him work for it. You've broken things off quite a few times so that's an indication that the same thing/s maybe are continuing to happen.

 

The key here is to look at this actions and not words. That's how I knew things were off with my ex. Her actions conveyed to me that she wanted out of the relationship, yet she would tell me I had nothing to worry about.

 

Actions speak louder than words. It's not a cliche but often a fact.

[daphne]

Medea,

 

From what you wrote, I think you know that you can trust your judgement. The very first time it happened, he turned it around on you. Then later he apologized about the nothing he didn't do? Come on. He's a liar. You know that. What's teh question?

 

That this man is entirely untrustworthy is apparent. You chose to give him the benefit of the doubt, but honestly your gut has known since the first episode. And had you seriously made him work hard to get you back the first time, you might have had a chance. Don't let someone else do this. If they disrespect you, go with your gut and call him on it. Don't lay down and take it.

[Medea]

Thanks guys for the advice. Unfortunately after about three days we started hanging out again and he just gradually started staying over again. My pathetic fault all the way. I've made it way too easy for him. That was almost a week ago. Is it fixed? Absolutely not.

 

I called him earlier. He sounds absolutely miserable on the phone. Barely talking. Not making much of an effort. I asked whats wrong, he said nothing that he just gets in moods, thats its not me. I mention maybe he's depressed and need to seek help. He blew that idea off. I ask what he's doing tonight, he says he's running errands and that maybe i should go out with my friends. I told him I thought I would and let him go.

 

Oh....my....god.... I am so sick of drama. What ever happened to simple happy relationships? He says its not me. I don't know if I believe that. If he really were depressed I'd want to help him work through it and get him some help. If it's me he's uphappy with I just want out. I'm in relationship purgatory

 

krying i tried the pm thing but no dice

[joekurtz]

Medea, how old is this guy?

 

It sounds like the two of you are in your early to mid twenties, correct?

 

Well, regardless of your ages, it's obvious that this fellow just isn't mature enough to handle any sort of a commited relationship. Oh, he wants to security of knowing that your there for him whenever he wants you to be, but he obviously also wants the freedom to "hook up" with other girls/women whenever the mood strikes him. Which, appears to be every week or two from what you describe.

 

What you have to decide is whether you can be happy with this sort of a onesided monogamous relationship. With you being exclusive to him, but him free to go out with his mates & meet up with these chicks off the internet?

 

Honestly kiddo, if he was just getting together with them for a couple of casual drinks & few laughs, he'd not be so bloody secretive & defensive about it. Honestly now, do you really believe that that's been the extent of it?

 

As for all his intermitent moodiness whilst all this has been going on, I think it's pretty clearly guilt & his uncertainty of what the hell he wants. I think he, indeed, has strong feelings for you, but he also has a strong desire for the freedom to come & go as he pleases. And as long as you keep taking him back after his f**k ups, he'll take advantage of it/you.

 

If you want to settle for that kind of relationship, then fine. But, I don't think you really want to do that, do you? You sound like an attractive, intelligent girl who deserves to be treated a whole lot better than you have been. Therefore, you've got some tough decisions to make ...

 

Find strength, take care & peace.

[Medea]

Thanks Joe,

 

I'm 26 he's 33. He's been married once before, and we started dating soon after his marriage ended(a couple of months). Maybe that was part of the problem, we didn't give it enough time before jumping into a relationship.

 

Before all this drama started several months ago. I had brought up the subject of us and his son moving in together and that went over like a tonne of bricks. He said he wasn't ready. I tried to respect that but it's just been going poorly ever since.

 

I think you are all right, he doesn't know what he wants. He called a little while ago and he's coming over after work to talk about it. He mentioned he may be depressed. This is my plan : if he will seek help, I'll stick around and support him, if he won't then the only thing left to do is break it off and go NC. Good plan?

[Krying]

Your guy won't get better if he doesn't want to heal. I know you want to help him, but it seems he doesn't. It's gone on long enough from what you've written, so you've got nothing to lose by breaking things off and going NC. Don't cave in and do it for a period of time.

 

Medea, send me an email to mozzi_1 at yahoo dot com. Clearly the PM thing isn't working lol.

[joekurtz]

Thanks Joe,

 

I'm 26 he's 33. He's been married once before, and we started dating soon after his marriage ended(a couple of months). Maybe that was part of the problem, we didn't give it enough time before jumping into a relationship.

 

Before all this drama started several months ago. I had brought up the subject of us and his son moving in together and that went over like a tonne of bricks. He said he wasn't ready. I tried to respect that but it's just been going poorly ever since.

 

I think you are all right, he doesn't know what he wants. He called a little while ago and he's coming over after work to talk about it. He mentioned he may be depressed. This is my plan : if he will seek help, I'll stick around and support him, if he won't then the only thing left to do is break it off and go NC. Good plan?

 

 

Hmmm ...

 

I fail to see how his depression may have caused him to meet up with random chicks from the internet whilst out at clubs with his pals, but, assuming you've taken a peek at any of my posts dealing with my own marital troubles, I'm the last one to be giving anyone grief over their giving their SO second & third chances ...

 

But, I'd strongly suggest bailing out of the relationship if he doesn't appear to be 110% commited to working on his issues. And, just remember, it's not all about him. Don't get into a rut where you're always struggling to keep him focused & keep him happy while you're getting nothing out of it all in return. You deserve to be happy too. OK?

 

Peace.

[Krying]

Hmmm ...

 

I fail to see how his depression may have caused him to meet up with random chicks from the internet whilst out at clubs with his pals, but, assuming you've taken a peek at any of my posts dealing with my own marital troubles, I'm the last one to be giving anyone grief over their giving their SO second & third chances ...

 

But, I'd strongly suggest bailing out of the relationship if he doesn't appear to be 110% commited to working on his issues. And, just remember, it's not all about him. Don't get into a rut where you're always struggling to keep him focused & keep him happy while you're getting nothing out of it all in return. You deserve to be happy too. OK?

 

Peace.

 

Some good points there joe. In this case the "depression" sounds like an excuse to behave badly. I don't think anyone should cut and run from a relationship before attempts are made to work at it. If one person makes an attempt, then it's not a relationship any longer. But from what I've read Medea, you've tried to make this work and he has only responded with "confusion", "depression" and being an all round jerk.

[Mustang Sally]

Question: When is enough, enough?

 

Answer: When you say it is, dear.