Author fxj05 Posted October 9, 2007 Author Posted October 9, 2007 A couple of things happened over the weekend and I need a bit of advice on how to handle things. My W wore some make up to work on Friday, as she said people were telling her she was pale (She always is!) as she isn't well at the minute. She has a medical complaint were shes had her period for a month constantly and before that it was coming and going every 2 weeks. Therefore no intercourse and a good excuse for rarely being interested in any other type of sexual contact. The make up wasn't a problem as I didn't sense there was anything behind it. The problem was that she lied as to the reasons why she wore it. She told me that our daughter had suggested it as she was pale looking, without me quizzing our daughter she brought it up when we arrived home that evening and told me the W asked her should she wear make up. Even though it was a small lie, I tried to point out why this was causing damage to the trust within our relationship, but she denied it and got angry. Eventually, after a few hours of sulking she begrudgingly admitted it was wrong but I don't think she realises how inportant this is. Do I try to talk about it again and try to explain why it is so damaging or what? On Sun we had family committments all day. When we arrived home there was a text message on my W's phone from JC saying that he would meet her at work. She explained that he was picking up a vehicle and she didn't try to hide the text or anything and I know he was genuinely working as I have helped the W with his rotas on our computer. She then mentioned that she had the work phone away with her and had texted him while we were out to say that she wouldn't be able to make it. When I checked the sent folder it was empty, so either she deleted it or it didn't save. I'm not very happy about all this but I havn't said anything to her as I have no proof and don't want to alert her that I'm checking the phones. I'm heading on a business trip for a few days and shes coming along so she needs someone to cover her place. Shes been pushing her boss for extra help in the office and has suggested JC as he is experienced and good at his job. Obviously I am going to be freaking out if they end up working side by side so I don't know what to do other than keep spying, but its driving me crazy. On one hand I can't imagine that my W is deliberately setting out to plan an A but on the other hand she can't seem to help getting closer to him or needing to contact him, although there was no contact over the weekend until Sunday. At the minute they have no physical contact, so I know if they start working side by side, that it will quickly develop, so I need to do something before that happens. Should I confront her now and say that I'm not happy with the amount of contact between them or should I leave it and keep spying. We have talked about setting up business together, which would mean her leaving her job and having no excuse to contact him. Should I push ahead with this to get her to leave? The statements about sex with a prostitute and the lack of sex were way back 4-5 months ago, when she just started the job, maybe even slightly before, I can't remember. What I mean is that you may have to FORCE her to make a choice between you and contact with this other guy! You have to be willing to put divorce papers in her hand... Are you willing to go that far to force her to see the gravity of the situation? I'm not sure exactly what you mean by the underlined part. Please expound on this a little as it may or may not be important to your situation. She said to me that it wouldn't really bother her if I had sex with a prostitute then back tracked to say that it wouldn't be as bad as an affair, but that if I had an affair that we would be finished. I don't think that I am at that stage yet to hand her divorce papers, because I would look like the bad one. 'Getting divorced, with kids and all, over a bit of petty jealousy' wouldn't help my case. I don't get the impression that they have actually articulated their thoughts to each other yet as I don't sense any guilt from my W yet, but I'm sure they sense the chemistry and are feeding off it. Any help or advice would be appreciated.
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 Do I try to talk about it again and try to explain why it is so damaging or what? No. In fact, I wouldn't bring up JC at all, or any of your concerns about it, or anything. Not on your own, anyway. Save that for MC. What you will want to do is appear to drop the issue, and gather up information very discreetly. Just keep flying under the radar, and gathering information. You will want to document it in some way, so that when you feel denial coming on you can go back and read your notes to prove to yourself that you aren't going mad. Documenting will also help you keep track of the patterns of her lies, and will protect you when the time comes to confront, if it reaches that point. If it turns out not to be an affair, you will still have documented a pattern of behavior that is destructive to your marriage, and you will be able to take that information with you into counseling. Its a win-win situation. The most important thing is that you keep what you are doing under wraps. If she is having an affair, and she catches on that you are gathering information, she will hide what she is doing, and find more effective ways to gaslight you. I would not be surprised if your business trip comes up, and she cancels on you - saying 'she has to work'. Be prepared for that possibility. We have talked about setting up business together, which would mean her leaving her job and having no excuse to contact him. Should I push ahead with this to get her to leave? No, not right now. I'd wait on this until you have a bit more information. When you do, you can use it as leverage and as a reason for her to need to leave. Otherwise, she will simply find a way to make it look like you are unjustified and unreasonable.
Author fxj05 Posted October 9, 2007 Author Posted October 9, 2007 Thanks for the quick reply LB, I have spoke to no-one about this and your help is much appreciated, I think I would have cracked up by now if it wasn't for this site. I'm finding it difficult to bite my tongue at the minute and hide my feelings. You will want to document it in some way, so that when you feel denial coming on you can go back and read your notes to prove to yourself that you aren't going mad. I have already been keeping a diary since June for those very reasons. I would not be surprised if your business trip comes up, and she cancels on you - saying 'she has to work'. Be prepared for that possibility. I don't think she will, we have been looking forward to it for a few weeks and she is keen to go. Anyway its to Amsterdam and she wouldn't want me going there by myself, not that I have ever given her reason to worry. I don't want to make it seem all bad, as all I do seem to do is post the bad stuff. She still tells me she loves me without condition and wants us to grow old together etc I will keep gathering, although the deception, hers and my own, is putting a strain on me. People are bound to start noticing, as my work output lately is woeful, but I don't want to talk to anybody yet until I know more.
Author fxj05 Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 Went on business trip and brought W along. We had a great time with a good bit of socialising and we both got on great. My W attended the business meetings also and really enjoyed the negotiations etc. So much so that we both realised that we would enjoy working together in business. The family business that I manage has become a bit stagnant with other family members not performing or due for retirement. I realised that it is at a stage where I could take over with my W joining me. When I suggested this she jumped at the chance and I havn't seen her so excited in a long time. Ever since I said this she has shown me more genuine spontaneous love than I can remember in a while. I realised that she maybe felt let down or not valued when I didn't bring her to work with me at the time she was laid off 5 months ago. The reasons were complicated, family politics etc, but I its not like I didn't support her, I helped her get the new job. So were going into business together, which I am happy about because 1. She really wants to work with me 2. Shes hard working and ambitious and will help the company suceed 3. It will be better for our kids and family life, more flexibility etc. 4. She is leaving her job The change in affection is fantastic and the way she looks at me since makes me realise she genuinely does love me, but it has also made me realise what has been missing for the past 4 months. I have told her this, but of course she won't admit there has been anything major wrong. She keeps maintainng it was just the excitement of work etc, but there are just too many red flags to ignore. Although I don't think she physically cheated on me because of various things, like she hasn't made an effort with underwear, shaved bikini line, no unexplained absences etc, but I still feel she lied to me among other things. I really want things to work out in my M, but I also need to know what the hell it was that I just went through or it will never go away and I will never have closure. Just 3 weeks ago 'some of the spark had died', but now its like we got a new lease of life. I have tried to explain to my W that I need this but to no avail. I know that people here have told me, and from reading other threads, that people don't reveal their lies until caught or think they may be caught. Has anybody any experience that when people move away from the situation that they ever feel like revealing the truth or do they take it to the grave. I still havn't got round to organising MC.
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 Things are sounding positive! It is sounding like better news. Regardless of why she has had a change of heart, the fact is that it is a change for the positive for you both.
Author fxj05 Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 Yeah, things have picked up, I'm relieved and much happier, but when I'm at my happiest, I remember what the last 4 months have been like and its hard to let go. In one way I wish I had found out that she had an affair or whatever, then at least I'd know what I was dealing with, this way I'm in the dark I still intend going to MC to see if we can throw any light on her feelings or to see if she can be persuaded to be more truthful
Chrome Barracuda Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 Yeah, things have picked up, I'm relieved and much happier, but when I'm at my happiest, I remember what the last 4 months have been like and its hard to let go. In one way I wish I had found out that she had an affair or whatever, then at least I'd know what I was dealing with, this way I'm in the dark I still intend going to MC to see if we can throw any light on her feelings or to see if she can be persuaded to be more truthful That's good that your doing great FX, keep on the path and you'll get better in no time. Why are you going to a MC if it's just you? Why not IC? I mean from the looks of things she's not coming back.
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