Beginnings of an emotional affair?

[fxj05]

I have been posting on another thread 'Wifes crush on colleague' but I have shown it to her to let her see other peoples reactions, therefore I wanted to start a new thread.

 

I may have been partly wrong on a few things and want to discuss them here before talking to my W about it.

 

A little background if you havn't read the thread.

 

My wife has been distracted lately, shortly after starting a new job about 4-5 months go,

 

- She hasn't been as affectionate as before

- We always used to meet for lunch now she is sometimes too busy,

although I think this is mostly genuine

- Has made excuses that are lame for not coming home for lunch

- Rarely phones or texts me during her lunch time, which she used to do

- Started wearing make up to work, until I questioned her motives

- Missed my birthday for first time and barely acknowledged our

wedding anniversary

- Suddenly interested in losing some weight

- Told me she is no longer attracted to me and hasn't been for some time

but still loves me, just isn't really turned on by me

- Mostly only have sex after a few drinks or after watching porn

- Said one night that it wouldn't really bother her if I had sex with a

prostitute 'After all its only sex', then she backtracked to say she meant

that it wouldn't be as bad as an affair.

- This conversation about the P was after we had an argument when in a

bad mood she told me to leave her alone as 'I was always groping her

and only ever looking sex'

- Has told me that some of the spark is gone or that we have grown apart

or that she doesn't need me as much now she has a fulfilling job

- In a fit of temper lately she said that 'it would better than living in this

****hole with all the accustions etc' after I had said maybe she would

prefer to be elsewhere. We moved into our new dream home 2 years ago

 

When she started the job she talked about a younger good looking colleague quite a bit, who is cocky. I know she is attracted to hime, but when I started querying her on it she stopped talking about him.

 

I thought that she was just hiding it from me, but she now says he is a pratt and that she doesn't have that much direct contact and I sort of believe her now.

 

Thing is I still get the feeling tha she has been hiding not only her feelings but some of her actions etc. She has got promotion about 4-5 weeks ago due to her managers llness and is a lot busier, taking work home overtime etc.

 

I have I have been questioning her every night about what is going on and she has said that I have nothing to worry about and that its all work. She is genuinely thrilled with the challenge of the job and the feeling of being needed and important.

 

I havn't been handling it very well and I'm going into depression and putting a lot of pressure on her. She has thrown it back at me that I neglected her when the kids were younger (though sport etc) and there is a certain amount of truth in that.

 

At the weekend when quizzing her about the younger good looking colleague she denied any spark with him, I said well you must be getting it somewhere. She said it must be from JC an older man (15 years older than her) who works below her, but is experienced and has been helping her adjust to the new role, as she is new to management.

 

This older man is based about 50 miles away and they have only met once, he took her out for lunch to discuss work after she was promoted, when he came up to the office. She told me about it before hand and said I should come along, but she knew I would decline because they were talking about work.

 

Afterwards she told me that she was shocked as 'he was such a big man, well over 6' and built like a tank'. This made me feel a little uneasy and inadequate as she has told me before 'You're not that big you know' even though I am quite muscular I am about 5'9". But I passed it of as my insecurity.

 

Later she said that the lunch was a bit inappropriate, as she is married and it took place in our home town.

 

I know that she has a lot of telephone contact with this man at work, but since she got promoted she has been contacting him at the weekend to discuss work.

 

Shes not really hiding the contact, I was even helping her on the computer to him the other evening, its just that I didn't realise the extent of the contact, they're on the phone 30-40mins at times. Obviously some of it is when I'm out, and its not every evening, but it is often and every day at work.

 

I phoned her one day when I couldn't make it home for lunch and we had a brief conversation, she said she would phone back, but she didn't. When I aksed her why she said she had to rush back to work.

 

When I checked her call logs she had phoned him 5mins after talking to me, but never mentioned it.

 

She has told me that he has given her emotional support in dealing with challenges of the job, support that she says I havn't given her.

 

I'm really confused now, at the start I know that she was physically attracted to the younger man, but now I feel that she is leaning on the older man for support.

 

When I say I am feeling neglected she says that I am being selfish and that she was neglected early in our marriage and had to get used to it

 

I know we need to see a MC and I don't think shes having a sexual affair as it doesn't add up, where do I take it from here?

[LucreziaBorgia]

I know we need to see a MC and I don't think shes having a sexual affair as it doesn't add up, where do I take it from here?

 

You will want to stop parsing out 'sex' from 'emotional' for one thing. It doesn't matter is she is having sex or not. The damage that is being done already will not be any worse or get any better if there is another man's penis being inserted into your wife's vagina. It is adequately clear that she has something going on, and I'm sorry to be so blunt about it - but its not one sided. Her behaviors are those of someone who is reciprocating, not someone who is crushing on someone who isn't interested in her.

 

The worst part? You want so badly to believe that she is not having an affair, that she is able to have one right under your nose and get away with it. And... you let her, because on some level you feel responsible for it, and she is quick to remind you that she deserves to neglect your needs - because you 'did it first'. Classic affair justification.

 

So what do you do? MC will help, but understand this - it will not end this affair. You may get some stuff out on the table, and you can bring up your concerns in a list for like this for a MC to look at, but doing so will not change your wife's mind or end what is going on. She will not now or ever stop what she is doing out for altruistic reasons. She will only stop when forced to.

 

If you want the affair to end, you have to force it to end - stop confronting her and pressuring her. If something is going on, doing this will only drive it further underground. You will have to find solid proof to convince yourself (consider hiring a PI), confront her with the evidence, expose the affair and go from there.

 

I will reiterate. It doesn't have to be sex to destroy your marriage. Whatever she is doing now, sex or not - is tearing your marriage apart. Your reactions to what she is doing are making the downward spiral happen that much faster.

 

First and foremost, you have to get to the bottom of what is going on, and force it to end. Until you do, your marriage has no chance.

[ohmy3]

[FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]well 1st off like her I have done the MOST for the kids upcoming and in reality after years of doing most of the work and I am guessing she placed alot of things on hold (ie: work, goals ext.) while the kids were growing up and you still helped however always had and outlet like you said sports or hobbies you did on the side? correct?

my guess as I am going through all this now after 10- or so yr.. of her doing and taking care of most the things to keep your family afloat she still had her dreams and goals in life however laid em' off to the side to raise your kids and now that they are older or grown that you didn't say but she is 1 feeling stronger about herself and felling like it is time for her to get her life HER life back some to her and working is what she wants to do & I am sure there likely some resentment built over the yrs. of her doing most the kids raising while you did things you wanted and she was there awaiting for the time for the kids to reach certain ages that she be able to claim so of her self back. gee if only you could sit my hubby down and tell him what you know now he would have woke up a few yrs. ago when I was telling him I needed more help ect. But I got tiered of waiting for him today is my 1st class for going back to school and my kids are getting older so I am so excited! I know this is what will happen w/us as far as the way you feel now about your wife and feeling left out ect. I bet there was PLENTY of times more than you can image she felt that way while your were doing your own thing. Family is a UNIT and both parents should share = roles if poss. , and by not doing so only makes you drift apart and then whom knows what after all is said in done I am sure she needs to find " herself again " give her some credit if she did most of the raising of the kids she deserves to have a life for herself as well. she was there while yu did your things over the yrs. sports ect. and I think w/ the sudden reality check you see a different person in her and 1 tat may not need you like they did and it scares you! not to be mean but if you knew this yrs ago wouldn't you have helped her more w/ the kids or not do all the extra things you did for YOUR enjoyment? I do really think your are looking @ everything she does as a WHAT IF attitude which aint healthy and if you ask her about everything will push her away more.

[/sIZE][/FONT]

[Chrome Barracuda]

I think you should hand her divorce papers because she sounds like she's in the throws of a mid life crisis, The thing is she might just want to be loved and has this block in her mind that your not doing it for her anymore. It isnt your fault. It's her!!!

 

She's compartementalizing. If she doesnt want to go to a MC or IC to address these problems within your marriage you need to take the bull by the horns come hell or highwater and put your foot down! or up someone's ass! and generate results.

 

The more you aloow this to happen , the more it will. She may say it's controlling but you say it's boundries. and protection of the family. Bottom line. How would she feel if you spent all night hanging out with another female? giving your attention to her? It's not nice now is it.

 

Only you have the ability to stop it!

 

Do what must be done!

[cj1988]

She sounds just like my husband. His affection started to dwinddle as did the sex, he was not calling me anymore and made excuses saying he called me for years and did not appreciate it etc. He called her instead, ALL day long and made excuses for that.......everything irritated him and he was grouchy and angry all the time.

 

After the accusation he went as far as to say I was crazy and he wanted out. Did not speak to me for months, as much as I cried and begged he got further and further away. He finally started coming back around in April, but as much as I want it to be ok, we are not. He is nothing like he use to be at all and does not want to be, blames it on me. I was not loving enough, I was not attentive enough, I was this that and the other. Just excuses to hide his bad behavior and or guilt. As long as they think in their mind they had a REASON to do it, then it is justified. One day they will wake up and realize it was a choice they made on their own, a BAD choice and it will hit them. Unfortunately too late for the hurt party, we are over them by then. It is a terrible thing and I know how you feel, trust your gut, if you feel something is going on, it probably is.....be prepared for her to LIE through her teeth......that is the worse part. Never loose yourself, I did and it is so hard to find again.

[fxj05]

I don't really know what IT is, it could be just an obsession with the challenge of this new job and promotion.

 

She has had several jobs since she atrted back to work 3-4 years ago, but this is the one she always wanted. she worked here before the kids, her father works there also, but not in the office.

 

At the time that she worked there the company was smaller and now the company has grown quite a bit, she probably feels that she missed out on a lot and is trying to make up for lost time.

 

Even though I know she is physically attracted to the younger guy I know there is no outside contact with him. The older guy is based quite a bit away, therefore there is no physical contact other than by telephone.

 

Whatever it is I know its affecting our marriage, but she doesn't seem to realise or care. I have booked a MC for next week and I am going to install a keylogger.

 

What constitutes an affair? If she is just talking work all the time and getting advice with this older guy and just being attracted to the younger guy with a bit of flirting, is this an affair?

[Cobra_X30]

fxj05,

 

I really, really think you need to put some changes through in how you interact with your wife. Don't accuse or fight or control. It is best at this point that you work really hard to be the husband she needs!

 

Dont you feel like she has some resentment towards you? Do you feel comfortable asking for forgiveness, and asking how you can be better?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Your wife's behavior toward you is not about having a challenging new job promotion that she loves. When I got a challenging new job and promotion that I loved, I shared that joy with my SO. We were happier than ever, because I was happy at work.

 

Here is what I did not do:

 

make excuses not to have sex

withhold affection

tell him that I was not attracted to him

discount family milestones

make excuses not to spend time with him

spend inappropriate amounts of my personal time talking to my boss off the clock

tell my guy that since I had a new job, I didn't need him anymore

call the home we worked for a sh*thole

wearing makeup, dressing sexy and losing weight

tell my guy to have sex with someone else

 

When DID I do stuff like this? Shortly before and during the time I was sleeping with someone else.

 

Keep your eyes open, just sayin'... Don't lull yourself into a false sense of security. You'll regret it if you do.

[ohmy3]

Fx, if she is clearly hiding things from you that you can or somehow have found out different than what she told you (a lie) than I can understand your concerns, have you tried to talked to her when she isn't tied completly up not making it all about you just telling her you really want you 2 to talk and spend sometime together that you miss her , whatever you think she wants to hear, so you can get a clear idea of how she will respond to you? You can always install a hidden tiny voice recoder by where shes goes to talk to him so you can @ least hear what shes asked him..........

[Rooster_DAR]

These are all classic signs of the beginning of an affair.

 

I know, I have gone through the same signs you have described, with maybe one or two subtle differences. I agree with LB, you need to take action now if you are to have a chance with your relationship. Once an emotional affair starts, it's nearly impossible to stop unless you can expose the issue and break them apart.

 

Think about it, she would not be acting like this if she was happy with you, she would be rejoicing with you. Whatever you do, be careful about blaming yourself for this happening, that's what I did and it nearly ruined me. I could not stop my fiance, so inevitably her affair destroyed our relationship. You can put one concerted effort together to intervene, but be prepared with move on with your life if you can't reach her.

 

Good luck,

[Meaplus3]

These are all classic signs of the beginning of an affair.

 

I know, I have gone through the same signs you have described, with maybe one or two subtle differences. I agree with LB, you need to take action now if you are to have a chance with your relationship. Once an emotional affair starts, it's nearly impossible to stop unless you can expose the issue and break them apart.

 

Think about it, she would not be acting like this if she was happy with you, she would be rejoicing with you. Whatever you do, be careful about blaming yourself for this happening, that's what I did and it nearly ruined me. I could not stop my fiance, so inevitably her affair destroyed our relationship. You can put one concerted effort together to intervene, but be prepared with move on with your life if you can't reach her.

 

Good luck,

 

Think about it, she would not be acting like this if she was happy with you, she would be rejoicing with you.

 

She WOULD NOT be acting this way if she was happy with you and that's the truth! Speaking from my long ea with a mm, that's exactly the reason that I fell into one. Ea's are very destructive to a marriage and IMO even more so that an pa. The best thing you can do right now is sit down and talk with your wife. Therapy? MC try to come up with a plan to work on your marriage and figure out what is missing for her. Good luck.

 

AP:)

[Bobby NoBrains]

Seems to me to be signs of an Emotional Affair if not a physical one. Sorry.

 

Just my two bits ..

 

Bobby

[Chrome Barracuda]

You know what is alot of BS. is that some of you have said: she wouldnt be having this affair if she was happy?

 

WTF?

 

So is that a good excuse to go outside of the marriage?

 

She's not happy because something could be F-ed up insde her, did anyone think of that? She may not be happy within herself and it might not be his fault. If she has to go outside the marriage to seek happiness, she isnt even giving him a chance to meet her emotional needs.

 

Also her emotional needs might be a black hole for which you may never be able to fill. If she cannot be happy with 100% of his compassion and love then something is wrong with her!!!! not him!!!!

 

Stop with all this justification bullshi*!

 

I'm not happy, so I wanna F other people! give me a F-ing break!

 

Bottom line is, if she's seeking validation from other men it is not your fault. she may just want to get her ego stroked. You may not be able to fill her because she's not letting you or she isnt just content with one person heaping praise upon her, that is a narsisicist trait! and a person who has NPD

 

NPD= narsisitic personality disporder

 

is not a good person to be married to. Your gonna end up pulling your hair out!

[cj1988]

YOU GO CHROME ! I am so impressed with what you said. People CHEAT becasue they f---- want to, their own choice. I have been on both sides of the fence ( I was not married when it happened ) and I do not say "Oh honey I made a mistake" An affair is not a mistake it is a conscience CHOICE and I made a BAD choice and take full responsibility fo it, no excuses necessary. I did it for all the wrong reasons, we split up, I was feeling sorry for myself BLAH BLAH BLAH.....people f--- around and they are all for the WRONG reasons.....SELFISH bulls--- that kills anothers heart.

 

Sorry, but I am no longer a victim and I do not ask WHY anymore....Now, I say YOU GOT PROBLEMS and now you can live with your nasty adultress self....see YA, I can sleep at night, can you ???????????????

[fxj05]

Cb I agree with you totally, people get bored or are flattered by the extra attention no matter how much their SO tries.

 

We have had our minor ups and downs, I have hurt her in the past, before getting married by cancelling the wedding and breaking up. I was 20 wasn't ready, but thats all long in the past.

 

Before this new job there were no issues, other than maybe we didn't get out together enough. We kept telling each other we'd never been happier or loved each other more.

 

I've done f**k all wrong and I told her if she has, or is having an affair we're finished.

 

I'm still tring to make sense of it all though and piece together the jigsaw. I was sure she was missing lunch, not phoning etc to spend it with the young good looking man in the office. Maybe she stayed in the office for lunch because she was too busy on the phone to JC the older guy?

 

She has only started the extra contact with Jc since the promotion, so the timings are throwing me off a bit.

 

She made an effort last night to have an intimate evening as I had complained that she had spent so much time on the phone to JC the previous evening discussing work. He still phoned and texted with work queries but she didn't answer.

 

Today at lunch he rang as well but she didn't answer, said she'd ring him when she gets back to work.

 

I am sort of in a better mood since I have realised that its maybe not the young good looking man, though I am not ruling anything out.

 

Maybe its a male ego thing but the thought of my W having sex with a young stud kills me but even though the EA is just as damaging in the long run it doesn't hit my ego as much!

 

I have installed a keylogger as she has a bit of contact with JC on the computer and will try to monitor phone calls, but it is difficult as she sometimes has a work mobile home, plus theres no way of telling what the conversations are about.

[Rooster_DAR]

You know what is alot of BS. is that some of you have said: she wouldnt be having this affair if she was happy?

 

WTF?

 

So is that a good excuse to go outside of the marriage?

 

She's not happy because something could be F-ed up insde her, did anyone think of that? She may not be happy within herself and it might not be his fault. If she has to go outside the marriage to seek happiness, she isnt even giving him a chance to meet her emotional needs.

 

Also her emotional needs might be a black hole for which you may never be able to fill. If she cannot be happy with 100% of his compassion and love then something is wrong with her!!!! not him!!!!

 

Stop with all this justification bullshi*!

 

I'm not happy, so I wanna F other people! give me a F-ing break!

 

Bottom line is, if she's seeking validation from other men it is not your fault. she may just want to get her ego stroked. You may not be able to fill her because she's not letting you or she isnt just content with one person heaping praise upon her, that is a narsisicist trait! and a person who has NPD

 

NPD= narsisitic personality disporder

 

is not a good person to be married to. Your gonna end up pulling your hair out!

 

Agreed, what I meant is she wasn't happy with just having him. She put herself in a situation and allowed herself to become emotionally attached to another person. Reading back I can see how one would misinterpret what I stated, I should have been careful with my context.

 

You are right here.

[wetegg]

Wow... I am amazed at the signs you described, they are the exact same thing my ex done when I was suspected something was going on. Not saying she is cheating but you described almost to a "t" what my cheating ex was doing. Same situation and everything..New job etc…

[fxj05]

I have noticed a bit of a change over the last couple of days in the amount of affection shes showing me, since the night were she spent most of the evening discussing work on the phone with JC.

 

Since the weekend I have been in better form, making more of an effort not to be in such a black mood. I think my change came about when I realised this whole thing probably is'nt mainly due to her attraction to the young stud in the office, although I have no doubt that it has some part to play.

 

I'm sure that seeing a physically attractive person on a daily basis has raised her expectations of what turns her on, plus she is aging well and has noticed men taking a second look more now than when she was younger and shes flattered.

 

But I'm starting to believe that its the telephone contact with the older man thats the worst part of the problem. And the worst part is she genuinely believes its not a problem that she has done nothing wrong, theres no sexual contact that its just friendship and work colleagues supporting each other.

 

The other evening I went to bed before her, left her to talk work with JC. When she came to came to bed she noticed I was annoyed. I told her I just wanted to spend some time with her and that I felt unloved. I don't know if this had any effect but she hasn't contacted him to discuss work this past couple of evenings.

 

I would love to be able to hear her private phone calls with JC to guage the conversation when she thinks they are alone as everything seems work related when I'm there, obviously. Voice activated recorders and stuff like that seems like too much hassle with the risk of getting caught using them. Anybody any experience.

 

Even if I did record her conversations I still don't think I would find any proof as either shes a better liar than I thought or they arn't having any inappropriate or what she believes are inappropriate conversations.

 

The sooner we see MC the better I think.

[LucreziaBorgia]

But I'm starting to believe that its the telephone contact with the older man thats the worst part of the problem. And the worst part is she genuinely believes its not a problem that she has done nothing wrong, theres no sexual contact that its just friendship and work colleagues supporting each other.

 

Until you can prove otherwise, she will continue to gaslight you into believing this, and will not stop. And yes, it will escalate into a full blown affair. It is very rare for an EA not to evolve into a PA on some level when it goes unchecked. Brace yourself for the 'out of town work meeting' she HAS to go to.

 

At least you know something is up. Just don't pin all of your hopes on this MC session. It will be great in that the two of you will get to get a lot of stuff out on the table, but MC will not end an affair. Perhaps between you and the MC she can be forced to see how this "friends and workmates supporting each other" is destroying your marriage, and she may even show signs of stopping. But trust me on this one: she will not stop the affair, she will simply hide it better. You will want to talk to your MC one on one about this one - ways you can cope and figure out how to force it to stop.

 

Prepare yourself for your W going to the MC and gaslighting the MC. WS do it all the time. They make the BS look like some abusive, neglecting jerk and the OP look like an innocent oasis in an otherwise bleak and loveless marriage. They will fight to keep the affair, at your expense. Don't be surprised when the W turns it all on you, and makes you look like some obsessive, jealous assh*le who controls her and won't let her have friends. You will be surprised how many WS breeze through MC and are able to continue the affair, while making the demise of the marriage look like its all the BS fault. MC can be gaslighted, too. Hopefully you'll have one who has a firm handle on affairs and how to bust them.

[fxj05]

I just met her for lunch, big hug straight off showing plenty of affection an all, but all she can talk about is work.

 

Some of her office colleagues messed up a job in JC's area although not directly his job. Her manager isn't providing that much support, so shes obviously telling him JC all her work woes, as she showed me a very supportive text he sent to her personal phone.

 

Does she really not see whats happening or does she really feel that its only friendship to show me these texts or is it a bluff?

 

I don't get the impression its a bluff, but who knows? I havn't really told her about my suspiscions or feelings abou JC as I always thought it was the younger fellow that I had to worry about. Maybe I'll keep it that way for a while to monitor things.

 

The things thats throwing me is that I have been getting the gut feeling from about 3-4months ago, but she has only physically met him for the first about 3-4weeks ago, I know this for certain, by her reactions and the personal calls have only started about this time.

 

Could it be that what I was originally seeing was the attraction to the young good looking colleague and now she has formed an emotional bond with the older man. The telephone contact with JC has being going on since she started the job. Could/would this explain the changes in her behaviour even before she actually physically met him?

 

The fact that they are separated by about 50miles should make it hopefully easier to spot if things progress a level.

 

Should I let her know my feelings that maybe she spends too much time on the phone to JC or will this make it harder to detect anything?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Should I let her know my feelings that maybe she spends too much time on the phone to JC or will this make it harder to detect anything?

 

Nope. Not on your own anyway. You can bring it up in MC, but if you bring it up yourself, she will simply attack you for asking about it, and turn it on you, and make you out to be a controlling jerk. She will do everything in her power to make this your problem, not hers. Then... she will simply hide it from you, turn to him for 'support', and so on. A MC will force her to stay on topic, and keep her from turning it on you, and will keep the focus where it belongs: not on you, but on how those phone calls are affecting your marriage. That is the beauty of third party intervention.

 

Honestly, if all she were doing was talking on the phone, and your life was otherwise going ok - sexually, emotionally, etc. I wouldn't be as concerned. But... those things you listed show some serious signs of something going on. Hopefully you can get to the bottom of it.

[Cobra_X30]

LB, I totally agree with this advice!

 

FXJ05, Do not tackle this issue head on! Focus on bieng as attractive as you can to your wife.

 

You may have to be willing to lose her... in order to keep her! How far are you willing to go?

[fxj05]

What way do you mean?

 

I love my wife and want to make things work, but I'm not going to be a doormat. I have a good network of friends and I'll cope if things come to hard times. I wouldn't want it to come to that for my kids sake.

 

I get mixed emotions at the minute still, Am I over reacting imagining things out of jealousy, taking things out of context?

 

The statements about sex with a prostitute and the lack of sex were way back 4-5 months ago, when she just started the job, maybe even slightly before, I can't remember.

 

Anyway, doesn't change the lack of attraction, missed lunches, sense that I am being lied to etc.

 

The feeling that she lies really gets to me, even though I can't prove it, you just know it, and its starting to make me a bit bitter and resentful.

[Cobra_X30]

What way do you mean?

 

The statements about sex with a prostitute and the lack of sex were way back 4-5 months ago, when she just started the job, maybe even slightly before, I can't remember.

 

What I mean is that you may have to FORCE her to make a choice between you and contact with this other guy! You have to be willing to put divorce papers in her hand... Are you willing to go that far to force her to see the gravity of the situation?

 

I'm not sure exactly what you mean by the underlined part. Please expound on this a little as it may or may not be important to your situation.

[Rooster_DAR]

Nope. Not on your own anyway. You can bring it up in MC, but if you bring it up yourself, she will simply attack you for asking about it, and turn it on you, and make you out to be a controlling jerk. She will do everything in her power to make this your problem, not hers. Then... she will simply hide it from you, turn to him for 'support', and so on. A MC will force her to stay on topic, and keep her from turning it on you, and will keep the focus where it belongs: not on you, but on how those phone calls are affecting your marriage. That is the beauty of third party intervention.

 

Honestly, if all she were doing was talking on the phone, and your life was otherwise going ok - sexually, emotionally, etc. I wouldn't be as concerned. But... those things you listed show some serious signs of something going on. Hopefully you can get to the bottom of it.

 

I applaud your brilliance in analyzing this and other situations LB, you seem to have good knowledge in this area.

 

I totally agree, my EX nearly had me convinced I was controlling, jealous, and the center of our problems. It was only after I had gathered all the evidence that I was finally convinced she was having and affair and all of my concerns were valid.

 

Cheaters will almost always twist and turn their situation to make their partner out to be the enemy. They will even convince themselves and their friends and family the problem is with you. Because of this, I don't listen to anyone who claims their leaving the S/O because of the S/O's behavior. I've seen it with friends, colleagues, and most of all my experiences.