Is cheating a sign that ... ?

[Mr. Lucky]

I totally see what you're saying, that nothing "justifies" cheating.

 

I'm asking whether it's a situational thing (wrong partner), behavioural thing (serial cheater), character flaw (weakness, running away from the facts), or circumstantial (too many reasons inside a relationship) ... Does it vary with different people and different situations / circumstances ? Or is it simply "Not as simple as that" ...

 

Bobby

 

I think it varies with people. There are some people that won't cheat regardless of provocation or circumstance, just as there are some people who can't be faithful either. In between those two extremes resides most of the rest of us.

 

It just bugs me when someone who cheated posts "I made a mistake". Locking you keys in your car is a mistake. Having sex with someone else while in a relationship or marriage is a choice. I feel they should own up to the fact and say "I decided to cheat" or "I chose to to cheat". I should probably admit that, as a former BS, I may have a bias here ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Poboy]

True, the closer a couple are and the more they share interests have a better chance of making it through. However, no matter what your bond is there will be times of boredom and this will be the weak point where everyone becomes vulnerable.Cheers!

 

if you cant control your emotions and actions as when you have the opportunity to cheat , you are weak irrespective of how your relationship is.

[Rooster_DAR]

if you cant control your emotions and actions as when you have the opportunity to cheat , you are weak irrespective of how your relationship is.

 

or perhaps a character flaw. I myself agree with you, it's just that there are many people out there who are weak and will give in if the opportunity arises.

[Bobby NoBrains]

I noticed how everyone mostly refers to physical sex as cheating. I would have thought that besides the sexual diseases spectre, emotional cheating would have been more "evil", cause you're actually more unfaithful from your heart/mind then just some casual sex.

 

And otherwise the consensus seems to be that weakness of character is what causes a person to cheat, it's not just being with a wrong person or opportunity or anything like that. Just basically a characteristic behaviour exhibited by some people just like any other character flaw. Some of us have it and some of us don't.

 

All in favor ?

 

Bobby

[reboot]

I think there are as many reasons for cheating as there are cheaters. There's no magic answer out there.

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

It would be lovely to think that life's as simple as just finding your soulmate and never betraying them - but it assumes levels of purity and strongmindedness that people often just don't have.

 

You know, I had to rethink my previous post.

 

And I just saw your post to me and I'd agree with some parts of it.

 

Silly thing but what came to mind was the movie "Frida". I loved that movie and I don't know if you have seen it, but I do believe that those two were indeed soulmates. The perfect soulmates.

 

And the guy liked to have sex with other women. But that was part of his personality... In his case it was like liking chocolate, or liking to travel, or some any other like.

 

But who he really loved, connected with, and felt understood with was Frida, and those women never bonded with him or meant anything but some fun.

 

Of course Frida would get upset at times, and some others she'd be like, how was it? Etc.

 

So I suppose there can be exceptions. Like in this case.

 

Ariadne

[Bobby NoBrains]

The motivations may be different, but the basic character flaw is what makes it possible for them to go ahead without going down the tough path first. At least that's what seems to be the consensus so far :/

 

Bobby

[Faith4u]

If cheating was a sandwich you can buy and was promised to give you pleasure will you buy it?

If love was a sandwich you can buy and was promised to give you pleasure will you buy it? I will.

 

Just a thought...

 

You see, some people I know are in a constant need of attention and have low self-esteem and they feed themselves with constant fliritng and cheating.

 

Some people have misfortunate events, deeper problems, related to communication, respect disfunctions, and compatibility issues where love drove them together and is willing to drift them part with cheating.

 

I say, live and let live.

[Virgo1982]

Even though your generalizing, you will find most psychiatrists would disagree with this opinion as a whole. Even people with the right partner can and will cheat.

 

I disagree. Hardly anyone cheats without expressing their needs to the significant other in some way. The other partner's refusal or inability to make an effort gives the other person the green light. Is it right? No. But that person cheats because they wish this person would work with them. Perhaps the other partner refuses to meet the other's needs because they feel their needs aren't being met-a vicious cycle. Either way, they are not willing and maybe neither of them are the "right" partner. To always paint the cheater as the most evil villian or the most conflicted individual is common. Most people could never successfully counsel any relationships with narrow minds and finger-pointing. You have to be willing to put yourself in another person's shoes and think objectively, whether that person is a BS, cheating MM, OW or OM. We all have issues and the sooner we all look at ourselves and work toward fixing them, the happier we'll be :-)

[Bobby NoBrains]

So it boils down to an understanding that, unless someone is a serial cheater, he/she will stray because their partner is not "right" for them in terms of devoting enough of themselves to the relationship and being reciprocated similarly.

 

But, after straying, a person would actually cheat (i.e. get involved in a relationship ,emotional or physical) only if they are weak and have a tendency to run away from the problems instead of facing up to them and then dealing with the new relationship with a clean slate.

 

Let's see if I get any agreements with this, or if it's still too gray to be put in black and white

 

Bobby

[reboot]

So it boils down to an understanding that, unless someone is a serial cheater, he/she will stray because their partner is not "right" for them in terms of devoting enough of themselves to the relationship and being reciprocated similarly.

 

But, after straying, a person would actually cheat (i.e. get involved in a relationship ,emotional or physical) only if they are weak and have a tendency to run away from the problems instead of facing up to them and then dealing with the new relationship with a clean slate.

 

Let's see if I get any agreements with this, or if it's still too gray to be put in black and white

 

Bobby

I think that fits.... quite often. I don't think you're going to come up with a rule that works 100% of the time though.

[bunset]

Exactly.

 

If Homeboy is willing to work on the relationship after the affair.... then he was willing to work before, you just failed to make him understand the importance of the issue.

 

When you choose to lie, cheat, and break oath's that choice is 100% your responsibility. Own it... then start to move on. You will never go forward if you blame others for your own mistakes!

 

Please consider a relationship that is verbally abusive. The 'victim' often feels misunderstood and try many different ways of communicating their actual view, while an 'abuser' repeatedly hears only what they choose to hear.

We all have our own 'language' of communication, and learning style.

Often Partners don't speak the same language.

My Dad had a saying that drove me nuts as a kid, but has a strong ring of truth. "There are 2 ways of learning: repetition and shock." (instead of an 'I told you so')

Sometimes an affair can be the 'shock' that a SO needs to know that the partner has issues, and the SO can choose to help, or not, once it's revealed. Why an unfaithful spouse chooses this particular outlet of 'communication' or expression is as varied as to why they chose the first partner.

The world changes and people change. The right partner maybe the right partner under certain circumstances and NOT others.

I agree that one person can never fully 'satisfy' another's purpose and meaning in life. They can be advocates or antagonists to each other in each different aspect of life. Marriage is primarily for procreation. There can be meaningful life-long 'partnerships' without the chances of procreation (or sex)

One does not justify alcoholism, kleptomania or murder... justification changes NOTHING. But understanding the thought process could prevent it from happening again.

We can chose to 'interpret' others' actions all we want. But ultimately, only the actor knows why they act.

[sarme]

I'm not sure if cheating is always the case of a wrong partner, but I know that in the case of my partner he def was in a marriage with the wrong person.

 

We are very happy together and it feels right, even though we started off as lovers while he was still married. We compliment one another perfectly and have found a true best friend in each other and we would not have ended up together had this not been the case.

We agree that this is the real deal, being with the right person should feel as it does to us. We understand one another deeply and the chemistry between us is off the charts. Time only knows if it will last forever but to say the least our rel started off as a rel should between two people who are correctly matched.

 

In his marriage it was somewhat forced, at least for him it was. They were just too different. They became compatible in a "we're managing sort of way" but really weren't that compatible at all. I think he only realised just how poorly matched they were now that he is with me.

 

Some people know in their hearts they are settling but they fear that's the closest they will get to finding true love and they take the plunge not being completely sold on the idea.

I think in those cases two things can happen

 

1. one can grow to love their partner deeply and overcome the doubts

2. one will always feel like there is something missing

 

the latter was my b/f's case

[Mustang Sally]

Some people know in their hearts they are settling but they fear that's the closest they will get to finding true love and they take the plunge not being completely sold on the idea.

I think in those cases two things can happen

 

1. one can grow to love their partner deeply and overcome the doubts

2. one will always feel like there is something missing

Sarme -

I think you are on to something, here.

 

Probably, this happens more than it should.

[sarme]

Sarme -

I think you are on to something, here.

 

Probably, this happens more than it should.

 

 

My b/f and I have discussed this a lot. Part of the issues we have had to deal with revolves around trust. It is hard to trust someone blindly, as one should when they meet their perfect match, given that you met them under the circumstance of an affair. So my b/f and I have discussed a lot on what our ideas of what a perfect match are. I had at the beginning a bit of a hard time accepting what he would tell me fully because he would say that with me everything felt so right from the get go, it was instant, it was what he never felt for his ex W. So until he met me he was convinced that love was supposed to feel as it did with her, it was good enough to know you have someone by your side but not something that consumes your thoughts or changes your being in any way or form. Where as with me his thoughts are consumed on how he can make me happy. This I found hard to understand at first but in time I realise that for him it is his way of showing me just how much he cares for me in a way that is dictated by what his heart tells him, not the brain.

 

They lived a life together but parallel to each other. Does that make sense? They did things seperately and some things as a couple, where as he and I do everything together (activities outside of work and the home) and we have some down time here and there with our friends family. But all in all we live very intertwined lives, we like the same things so it's easy to plan a life together. We seem to be on the same wavelength a lot.

 

I have read that compatibility is something that is created by two people, it is not something that happens naturally. Our therapist would tell us at that becaue the chemistry was so stong between us it was only natural we would find a lot of commonalities. When two people are extremely attracted to one another mentally and physically they find things to be compatible in. I'm not sure I fully agree with that, I think it helps to have similar likes or inlcinations towards interests.

In our case we just enjoy our time together, we have a lot of fun so being together feels good, no matter what we do. But we do happen to have the same interests. One of our shared interests is how we met.

[Cobra_X30]

My Dad had a saying that drove me nuts as a kid, but has a strong ring of truth. "There are 2 ways of learning: repetition and shock." (instead of an 'I told you so')

Sometimes an affair can be the 'shock' that a SO needs to know that the partner has issues, and the SO can choose to help, or not, once it's revealed. Why an unfaithful spouse chooses this particular outlet of 'communication' or expression is as varied as to why they chose the first partner.

 

That is a great saying! Your dad knew what he was talking about.

 

See, everyone has a slightly different reason for having an affair. I know that in today's society we always want to blame the victim, but I dont think that this is an appropriate approach for this particular issue.

 

There is always a choice involved...

 

So I think the question is, How do we look upon those poeple who actively choose to lie, decieve and hurt those who they are supposed to hold most dear?

 

In the past betrayers were held in the highest contempt!

[Crestfallen_KH]

I personally think you should end whatever current relationship you're in before you embark on a new one. It's just a matter of respect. Even if the relationship is miserable (and mine wasn't) infidelity sends a message - that the relationship didn't matter, it didn't deserve a decent mourning period or a respectful goodbye.

 

Of course, my husband just cheated on me so take that for what it's worth. But I don't see his cheating as a reflection on me. I didn't get a chance to participate in the decision of whether or not the affair got to happen, so how could I be to blame for it?

[Bobby NoBrains]

I have read that compatibility is something that is created by two people, it is not something that happens naturally. Our therapist would tell us at that becaue the chemistry was so stong between us it was only natural we would find a lot of commonalities. When two people are extremely attracted to one another mentally and physically they find things to be compatible in. I'm not sure I fully agree with that, I think it helps to have similar likes or inlcinations towards interests.

 

I think what the therapist is trying to say is that when the chemistry is strong you go out of the way to find common things with your partner to keep that chemistry alive. If only more of us could understand that compatibility has to be created and not only enjoyed. If we make the time and efforts to involved ourselves in our SO's lives and interests and they do the same for us, it would go a long way in resolving most issues that crop up between two people, esp communication and spending time together which is usually the most common of all the complaints between couples.

 

Cobra_X30, I agree that cheaters have always been looked upon with contempt because the essential ingredient of life in any civilized society has been to live by the rules, and a cheater primarily breaks the rules in some form or another, thus disrupting the normal flow of society and social relationships. Anyone who chooses to do such things would be looked upon necessarily as someone not worth respecting and below one's standards, i.e. with contempt.

 

Crestfallen_KH, this was not an attempt to put blame on the SO of the cheater. Merely an attempt to try to understand what motivates the cheater. It is his or her perception, right or wrong, which causes them to do the things they do.

 

bunset, you write very correctly that ...

I agree that one person can never fully 'satisfy' another's purpose and meaning in life. They can be advocates or antagonists to each other in each different aspect of life. Marriage is primarily for procreation. There can be meaningful life-long 'partnerships' without the chances of procreation (or sex)

One does not justify alcoholism, kleptomania or murder... justification changes NOTHING. But understanding the thought process could prevent it from happening again.

We can chose to 'interpret' others' actions all we want. But ultimately, only the actor knows why they act.

 

It is similar to what reboot said above, that any explanation may explain many of the cases but not 100% of them, i.e. that any explanation can be a part of the answer, never the complete one. But, perhaps, if it makes us think about things, we might be one step closer to ensuring it doesn't happen in our own lives.

 

Bobby