Cobra_X30 Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 Not everyone who cheats would rather run away than face the problem. I faced my problem. You have to have a partner willing to work WITH YOU. So that validates cheating? That sounds like a rationalization. Personally, I never blame others for my failure to communicate. I make sure that I am always heard and understood, and that my SO knows the seriousness of the situation.
annabelle75 Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 BentSpine wrote in another post that - "In general, I think cheating is a sign that one is with the wrong partner." It made me do a think and a rethink. While it makes sense, could it really be as simple as that ? I'd love to know some views on this either way. No flames, please It's my first non-personal thread Bobby Yup. That sums it up nicely. You guys need to stop trying to over analyze and justifing it. The cheater is with some one that they don't have enough love and respect for to "not cheat on them" and the BS is with some one that "cheats on them." Definitely a case of two people being with the wrong partners.
underpants Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 So that validates cheating? That sounds like a rationalization. Personally, I never blame others for my failure to communicate. I make sure that I am always heard and understood, and that my SO knows the seriousness of the situation. I agree with this. Also, sometimes you can communiciate very clearly and if someone is set on a destructive action, or on the path to it, nothing you say will have any relevence to them. I have even been dismissed for my concerns. This is when a demonstration of consequence in in order. I have had to demonstrate the law of consequence a couple of times. (even in cases before actual (physical) cheating has occured) Show me a pattern and unaccountabily and I will show you the door.
Cobra_X30 Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 I agree with this. Also, sometimes you can communiciate very clearly and if someone is set on a destructive action, or on the path to it, nothing you say will have any relevence to them. I have even been dismissed for my concerns. This is when a demonstration of consequence in in order. I have had to demonstrate the law of consequence a couple of times. (even in cases before actual (physical) cheating has occured) Show me a pattern and unaccountabily and I will show you the door. Exactly. If Homeboy is willing to work on the relationship after the affair.... then he was willing to work before, you just failed to make him understand the importance of the issue. When you choose to lie, cheat, and break oath's that choice is 100% your responsibility. Own it... then start to move on. You will never go forward if you blame others for your own mistakes!
SarahBeth04 Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 So that validates cheating? That sounds like a rationalization. Personally, I never blame others for my failure to communicate. I make sure that I am always heard and understood, and that my SO knows the seriousness of the situation. You have never been communicating with someone who does not give a **** what you say? I find that really hard to believe.
Cobra_X30 Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 You have never been communicating with someone who does not give a **** what you say? I find that really hard to believe. Are you kidding? I do that for a living! Guess what, I get what I need... because I make sure others know 1. expectation, and 2. consequences. Obviously he is listening... or you would be talking about an Ex H. So, why could'nt you get him to listen before?
Sal Paradise Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 It's true in the sense that the person being cheated on is with the wrong person. The right person wouldn't cheat. And the person doing the cheating isn't mature, responsible or unselfish enough to be with anyone (at that particular time).
Mustang Sally Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 Question: Does cheating mean that you aren't with the right person? My Opinion: Nah. Not categorically. I don't buy that. Maybe in my younger (idealistic, naive) days I would have bought that. But in real relationships with real people, that go on for years, things happen. People and feelings change. People make mistakes and bad choices. And sometimes people who have made bad choices (and I'm talking BOTH the WS and the BS, here, because IMO, they both have responsibility for the state of the R) do the right thing to rectify their mistakes...and sometimes they do the wrong thing. It's not as simple as: you were with the wrong (or right) person, therefore you did this 15 years later...
Herzen Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 Question: Does cheating mean that you aren't with the right person? My Opinion: Nah. Not categorically. I don't buy that. Maybe in my younger (idealistic, naive) days I would have bought that. But in real relationships with real people, that go on for years, things happen. People and feelings change. People make mistakes and bad choices. And sometimes people who have made bad choices (and I'm talking BOTH the WS and the BS, here, because IMO, they both have responsibility for the state of the R) do the right thing to rectify their mistakes...and sometimes they do the wrong thing. It's not as simple as: you were with the wrong (or right) person, therefore you did this 15 years later... Great post, MS. The perspective of age.
Author Bobby NoBrains Posted October 5, 2007 Author Posted October 5, 2007 Very good point, Mustang Sally ... Lots of things to ponder there. Would you agree that it was a sign of weakness that they would have an affair and not try to work the relationship ? Or is there more to this like you say ? Bobby
reboot Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 I think people that cheat have a lot of problems with all their interpersonal relationships period.
Mustang Sally Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 Would you agree that it was a sign of weakness that they would have an affair and not try to work the relationship ? Yes. I think it certainly is a sign of weakness. But I do not (again - I guess my age is showing here) equate having weaknesses with being a bad person, unequivocally. And certainly some people with weaknesses may, indeed, actually be bad people concomitantly. I also agree that cheating is a choice. And people should be held accountable (by themselves, and others) for their choices in life. It is irresponsible to do otherwise, in my opinion. I just try not to assign blanket judgements to situations that are frequently more complex than it may appear to the eye of the casual observer.
Cobra_X30 Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 Yes. I think it certainly is a sign of weakness. But I do not (again - I guess my age is showing here) equate having weaknesses with being a bad person, unequivocally. And certainly some people with weaknesses may, indeed, actually be bad people concomitantly. Hmmm.... My opinion has always been that bad poeple do bad things. That is what makes them bad right? So are we saying that cheating isnt bad...?
Mustang Sally Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 Hmmm.... My opinion has always been that bad poeple do bad things. That is what makes them bad right? So are we saying that cheating isnt bad...? Please. Let's not insult each other, love. I did not say that cheating is not a bad action to take. But I do not find life so black and white as you. Thank goodness there is room in this world for all sorts of differing opinions. Peace.
finallyhappyme Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 I wish it could be that simple. I do believe you cheat if your with the wrong partner, but then again I know some who have cheated ONCE and that made them realize they already had the perfect partner and never did they cheat again. I now know my cheating had basically nothing to do with my partner and more to do with myself. I was unhappy with myself, i felt that my partner could feel it and that he would leave me, so I cheated instead of getting to the root of my problems. It was an ESCAPE everytime I did and a chance to be 'new' everytime. My bfs would find out and leave me and I would tell myself 'That's why I cheat because they would've left me anyways' I had issues with my father and abandonment. It wasn't until one bf found out I cheated and didn't leave. He stayed with me all night and made me ask myself why I did it. He didn't leave my side until I figured it out. I owe him so much. So it can be a combination of things..not so much that your with the wrong person.
reboot Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 Hmmm.... My opinion has always been that bad poeple do bad things. That is what makes them bad right? So are we saying that cheating isnt bad...?Cheating doesn't make you an evil person. That's quite a jump to make.
silktricks Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 Hmmm.... My opinion has always been that bad poeple do bad things. That is what makes them bad right? Good people also do bad things sometimes. It's not the action (doing something bad) that necessarily makes a person bad. The re-action after they did the bad thing is more indicative of the depth of badness in a person. (Sorrow, admitting the error, attempt to repair the "badness", etc. as opposed to defensiveness, claiming no responsibility, pretense of no error.) Mustang Sally, you are great!!
Mr. Lucky Posted October 6, 2007 Posted October 6, 2007 Cheating doesn't make you an evil person. That's quite a jump to make. Cheating is an intentional and deceitful breach of the most important vow we make in our lives. While I don't think anyone is entirely evil (or good), what label would you attach to a cheater? Mr. Lucky
silktricks Posted October 6, 2007 Posted October 6, 2007 Cheating is an intentional and deceitful breach of the most important vow we make in our lives. While I don't think anyone is entirely evil (or good), what label would you attach to a cheater? Mr. Lucky How 'bout "human"?
Mr. Lucky Posted October 6, 2007 Posted October 6, 2007 How 'bout "human"? Why not "victim" of temptation, so that they can be lumped in with all the other poor folks not responsible for their own actions? Mr. Lucky
Author Bobby NoBrains Posted October 6, 2007 Author Posted October 6, 2007 Why not "victim" of temptation, so that they can be lumped in with all the other poor folks not responsible for their own actions? Mr. Lucky I totally see what you're saying, that nothing "justifies" cheating. I'm asking whether it's a situational thing (wrong partner), behavioural thing (serial cheater), character flaw (weakness, running away from the facts), or circumstantial (too many reasons inside a relationship) ... Does it vary with different people and different situations / circumstances ? Or is it simply "Not as simple as that" ... Bobby
Poboy Posted October 6, 2007 Posted October 6, 2007 BentSpine wrote in another post that - "In general, I think cheating is a sign that one is with the wrong partner." Bobby absolutely. people cheat 1.to satisfy their emotional & physical needs which they are not getting the current relationship. 2. or there was alcohol involved. if they are getting everything from the relationship and are happy , they have no excuse for cheating.
lindya Posted October 6, 2007 Posted October 6, 2007 That's what I'd call soulmates, spiritually alike people that love each other and have a strong intimate connection. There cheating doesn't happen. Ariadne You can be alone with someone, and have that sense of strong love and intimate connection with them, and feel very much like the two of you are soulmates. The test is, however, what happens when you both step out of that intimate setting and into the real world. Some people are, by nature, easily influenced. They see their lovers not just through their own eyes but through the eyes of their friends and family members. The person who feels like their soul mate in private might not fit in with certain aspects of their social or professional circle. In fact, that's often going to be the case I think. People often put on masks for different social settings. The soulmate is the person they can take the mask off for - but that soulmate might become an embarrassment if they refuse to also adopt the "right mask for the right occasion." Fail to fit in with the right people. There's a cliche in there of the man who marries the "right" woman - ie the one his friends and family approve of - but who doesn't regard her as a soulmate. So the OW becomes his emotional/sexual soulmate, but he may well betray her rather than risk losing certain material or familial aspects of his life. Or his wife might be his soulmate, but he finds himself impressed by the glamorous and the exotic. So he betrays his wife for the sake of superficial glamour. It would be lovely to think that life's as simple as just finding your soulmate and never betraying them - but it assumes levels of purity and strongmindedness that people often just don't have. What I'm trying to say is that a soulmate can't inject a person with those qualities. Perhaps people say "I don't love you after all" or "you're not my soulmate after all" rather than look in the mirror and accept that, after all, they're not quite the person they hoped they were. I'd add that some people are on an eternal quest to "find themselves"...and I think the advertising industry has latched onto, and is encouraging, that sense of permanent lostness. The real, authentic you is almost within grasp... just a chocolate bar, holiday home, new car or new lover away. A lot of people are too busy struggling with the concept of who they themselves are, to have the slightest notion of who their soulmate might be.
Rooster_DAR Posted October 6, 2007 Posted October 6, 2007 if they are getting everything from the relationship and are happy , they have no excuse for cheating. Then all of a sudden both partners take on more responsibility (perhaps a new job for one), and they are going through a period where they are spending quite as much time with each other. One of the partners is persistently hit on at work by a very attractive opposite sex, and next thing you know the whole thing begins. True, the closer a couple are and the more they share interests have a better chance of making it through. However, no matter what your bond is there will be times of boredom and this will be the weak point where everyone becomes vulnerable. Cheers!
mopar crazy Posted October 6, 2007 Posted October 6, 2007 I never cheated on my H but have cheated on a couple steady BF's. The reason why I chose to cheat b/c I was young, and I really wasn't ready to be in a SR. I was really obsessed w/ another man. I wasn't being fair to the guys I dated in my life. Even though the OM was in a CR himself I just couldn't tear myself away from him completely. Every time I cheated it was w/ this OM. As for my H, he did cheat on me and why he chose to cheat on me b/c I wasn't going to be his doormat anymore. I didn't pay attention to my H b/c he didn't deserve to paid attention to. When the OW came along and paid attention to him, blah, blah, blah, he fell for her and had an A. When your H would rather be out getting drunk w/ his buddies 5-6 times a week and leaves ya home alone raising your young children ya tend to hold some resentments and not like that person very much. After 10 years of this crap I told him the drinking stops, and he stays home more I was getting a D. He did, BUT 6 months later had an A.
Recommended Posts