The Ache

[InkSlinger]

OMG! I just sat here, wrote my heart out and when I tried to preview the post, it disappeared... *Slamming head on the desk wanting to cry*

 

]Ok here we go again. I am sorry it's so long.

 

My story...;

 

My Ex and I were together for 6 yrs, '96-'02. It was a very difficult 6 years with many ups and downs, and suffice to say, I ended up taking him for granted in many ways, for many reasons, stress, depression and so much more.. After a very difficult year with 9 deaths in his family in a space of 7-1/2 months alone, I end up loosing my grandmother, who was like my 2nd mother, I made some very bad decisions after that in an attempt to make things better for us all, (There is truth to the adage "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." people, please remember that.)

 

I ended up making the decision to leave the life I had with him, even though he fought, begged, pleaded and cried to get me to see reality and see what I was giving up, I didn't fight, I didn't have the energy but he did, until he just didn't fight anymore. (Leaving out lots of history, far too much went on in 6 yrs to convey here.)

 

We spoke [2] times after I moved back home, 1st when he called me after being home 2 months, to tell me he was getting married to a girl he'd met and they had sex [1] time and she got pregnant "It was only once and she got pregnant, it must be meant to be." (his words not mine.) I have been told it was a rebound situation.. I am not sure what to believe but this was a big thing for us, because he wanted kids with me so bad..

 

Anyway, after the shock wore off of us speaking again, in the course of our conversation, he was telling me about his life and said "Its funny you called, I was going to call your Mom the other day, see how you were doing and get your number if she would give it to me." (Oh how I wish he had done that) and then as the conversation went on, I hear all about his life and he says.."Still no kids though".. I sat there.. stunned, shocked. It was one reason I had not contacted him, because I was under the impression they had a child.. I didn't say anything about it, it was like he realized what he'd said, there was a pause of like 45 seconds before he moved the conversation along quickly, when it came time to hang up, it didn't seem like he wanted to get off the phone, but eventually we hung up...

 

We had to speak again two more times and it was apparent during one of the conversations that his wife was right there, his tone was much different and some of what he said, made no sense at all really.

 

My confusion must have come across because after we hung up, it was about 5 mins later, he called me back and said "Hey, are you ok???" I said yes I was ok, just really confused by some of what he'd said, and he said "I'm sorry, **** is just really upset that you've called me and she's worried that you're going to come back into my life again and she's upset I gave you my email but I told her that you weren't like that and that you hated (insert name of city where he lives) and probably wouldn't ever want to move back here and besides, I took my vows at that alter."

 

It was obvious she wasn't happy that he had spoken to me or given me his email address, but I was trying to make a bad situation better or as much as I could. I asked him if he didn't want me to email pics of our (his) dog, he let out this sigh and said "No, don't email anything to me", so I haven't.

 

In the course of our last conversation He told me that his wife reminded him so much of me, we share a birth month, temperament... I didn't say anything to that.. What was I too say?? *Shaking head* It was obvious he held a lot back, some of the things he said, made me just sit there and blink.. I am sure some of the women who may read this will understand when I say, it wasn't what he said, it was what he didn't say.

 

There are times when I am hit by this overwhelming feeling that I have to call him right then, that he wants me to call him. It hit the other night and woke me from a dead sleep, I laid there praying about it and shaking, it was 230am and 330a his time, I couldn't call at that hour, could I???

 

I have picked up that phone a gazillion times, sometimes I hold it until the beeping buzzing thing gets to me, other times, I hang it up and other's I just stare at it.

 

I am torn into shreds, I pray about this everyday and I am still lost. I want to fix the hurt I put him through, I want to hear him laugh in my ear again when I do something silly that makes him laugh and hug me. I want so much I cannot put it into words.

 

I made this contact in July, to correct something that I felt was the reason I felt so bad, so much guilt, so much remorse, maybe it would show him, that I truly did love him, even if I totally made a mess of everything back then.. It's not helping a single bit and I am lost. I have dated since we broke up and they just aren't him..

 

What have I done to my life? I look around and so much of my life now, still has traces of him in it, one of my dogs, was bought originally for him, some household items, clothing he bought me, jewelry, the car I drive we bought together... He is everywhere...

 

What do I do... think, say.. I want to talk to him, just talk, just hear him speak to me, not about his life with her, but just about him, his thoughts, ideas, everything.. I want to hear his heart beat in his chest beneath my ear... I want to rub his feet again after he's worked all day, I want to give him a hot bath and laugh when I let the soap slip, I want to feel his arms slide around me from behind as I am cooking dinner, hear his hum and start to sway/dance with me at the stove. I want sunday mornings with him again, and to go out on the boat and laugh til we cry at the antics of our dogs and hug in the water as he keeps me wrapped close, I want to feel his large hands rubbing my back gently as I lay trying to get to sleep....

 

I am sorry.. as I sit here and type, it's like everything is just being spewed out and I am shaking like a leaf in a wind storm.. This normally in control woman, who is organized, successful, driven and together, sits here now, with an ache that feels as though it could consume her with little effort.

 

I welcome all opinions, questions, comments and advice.

InkSlinger

[lost4ever]

no advice here, well maybe a little...if you think it sucks now, try having an affair, then you will really know how much it sucks.....don't give in, stay strong, remember the good times, take from the relationship what your can (you found qualities that you will want in next mate) it's tuff but leave it..seriously...good luck

[Jmina]

Hey InkSlinger,

 

Sorry to hear you are going through a tough time...

I know exactly what 'the ache' feels like. I want to hold my ex too, i want to hear her heartbeat, i want to hear her laugh at me when i do something silly, i want to her her sing, i want her pick me up like she used to, i want to wash her back in the shower, i want to fall asleep intwined in her legs, i want to do a lot of precious things with her. I can't and never will be able to..

 

so what do i do?

 

i continue to love her from afar. i remember what we had and i leave it at that. everyone has to do what they have to do and in my case my ex needs to experience alot more before she settles with anyone.

 

i ache still as i have a hole that she used to fill but my heart is still open, i dont resent her or get angry i keep my heart open and i still enjoy loving her. i know she thinks about me and my family, i just know it. one day someone else will make my heart grow, i will always ache from the loss of my girl, but its not from her actions or words, its simply from the loss. and that i will carry with me forever. i still am able to be a very happy and content person, but now i dont take things for granted. i thought i was pretty good at that before she left, but now i really live life to the moment.

 

 

goodluck.

keep posting..

peace

 

Jmina

[Spinderella]

I agree that you are treading on dangerous ground if you continue to talk to him. I think the wisest thing you could do now, is to tell him that you cannot speak to him any longer, because you still have feelings and since he is married now, you need to get over him. Its honest, lets him know how you feel and respects his marriage (sort of).

[InkSlinger]

Thanks all for your reply's.

 

I am going nuts I think... It's unlike anything I've ever experienced before, this aching, gut thing.

 

I hope all of you get what it is you seek and your lives are filled with happiness.

 

Ink

[Spinderella]

Thankyou Ink, and you too.

Did you tell him how you feel? Are you still speaking to him?

I think it is important to remember, that if you are meant to be together, you will be. Its a bit of a cliche, but its very true, and I always find it helpful to be reminded of that one!

[Sanslatete]

But would you want to risk going through all this pain for them only to break up again and go through it all over again? I still love my ex very much but I'm getting more doubtful whether a reconcilliation would work. Could you get over the lies and deception, fights and arguments that led to the break up, and if so, for how long? I'm still lost without my angel and think of her every day, life will never be the same without her, she was my heart. But she betrayed me and lied to my face (I never thought she'd do that). And now I'm trying to get through this and heal myself (which isn't easy as you all know), and I don't EVER want to have to go through this kind of agony again.

[InkSlinger]

But would you want to risk going through all this pain for them only to break up again and go through it all over again? I still love my ex very much but I'm getting more doubtful whether a reconcilliation would work. Could you get over the lies and deception, fights and arguments that led to the break up, and if so, for how long? I'm still lost without my angel and think of her every day, life will never be the same without her, she was my heart. But she betrayed me and lied to my face (I never thought she'd do that). And now I'm trying to get through this and heal myself (which isn't easy as you all know), and I don't EVER want to have to go through this kind of agony again.

 

Sanslatete;

There is pain in all relationships, I truly believe that it's what makes us stronger in the end, in this situaiton *shaking head* I was the one who hurt him (no, I never lied or cheated) and yes, if I thought for a moment that he wanted to see me, I would be there in an instant.

 

We had other issues; we were young and on so many levels, very immature. I moved away from my family to be with him, this added stress because I am very close with my family, his family isn't the most welcoming and caused issues through-out our 6 years together, our careers caused issues and we jumped headlong into a relationship without thinking and it was extremely stressful.

 

To answer your question more directly, if I knew then what I know now, I would have jerked a knot in my own ass, got my head on straight and stayed there to fight with him for our relationship, as I realize now, I should have done.

 

I hope you feel better very soon San, thank you very much for your response.

 

Ink

[InkSlinger]

Thankyou Ink, and you too.

Did you tell him how you feel? Are you still speaking to him?

I think it is important to remember, that if you are meant to be together, you will be. Its a bit of a cliche, but its very true, and I always find it helpful to be reminded of that one!

 

 

Hey there Spinderella

 

No, I haven't spoken to him since our last contact in July, I haven't called him again because I don't want to cause trouble in his relationship with her and it was apparent that she is insecure where I am concerned and my making contact with him again put her into that mode, quite a bit from what he said.

 

When we spoke, I didn't tell him how I felt because I think we were both in shock to be speaking again honestly. I want to talk to him so badly, just talk to him but I don't know what to do to make that happen.. *Soft smile* I was secretly hoping he would pickup the phone and give me a call to wish me a happy birthday, but no such luck...

 

You know Spinderella, I appreciate that adage. I am a firm believer in cliches *smile* I live by some of them and to be reminded of them, helps a lot sometimes.

 

I wish I knew why the feeling of urgency to call him hits at such odd times though, that makes me a bit nervous honestly.

[Spinderella]

I wish I knew why the feeling of urgency to call him hits at such odd times though, that makes me a bit nervous honestly.

Maybe that urge hits when you are unhappy or lonely. Or perhaps like the good advice I was given on my thread, these things come out in bite-size pieces for you to deal with.

You have done well to not speak to him. It must be really hard, and maybe he doesn't know how you feel, but, if he is not ending his current relationship, it suggests that he is at least satisfied with it.

Looking back doesnt often do any good.