What made you stop the Affair?

[Victorianna]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]This is my first post to this board, although I’ve been reading for a while. It’s a strange comfort to read other people’s stories of how they became involved with their MM and how everyone handles their situation. I think having a relationship with a MM has made me feel very isolated from my friends and family (I could never tell them) and reading this forum has made me feel less alone. My question for any of the OW who have managed to end things with their MM…what was the thought or feeling or event that made you say THAT’S IT! Did you feel like you “hit bottom” in some way? Was it therapy or advice from a friend or someone on this board that helped? [/sIZE][/FONT]

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[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman] My MM was separated from his wife when I started seeing him 10 months ago. About 3 months ago, around the time he and I were looking for an apartment together, she told him she was willing to try again “for the kids”. He loves his kids very much and misses living with them and seeing them every day so I knew when he told me this that I’d lose him. For three months MM and W would try to work things out over the phone, argue to the point where they would say “forget it!” then the next call would be “for the kids” again. During this time I guess you could say we were trying to break up but stay friends and as everyone knows that never lasts long. So 1 month ago he actually moved in with his wife and children and all of our friends and family think that we’ve broken up, but how sweet that we are still such good friends. We love each other and we don’t want to love each other, we touch each other and we know it’s wrong. He made a choice and it’s the right choice, his kids need him, and I should be strong and make him stick to it, but I don’t feel strong. I do feel sad, hurt, lonely, heartbroken, guilty…not the way you should feel when you’re “in love”. But when I think about breaking things off I imagine myself with all those feelings magnified to the point of agony and I just can’t do it. I’d really like to know how others managed to do what I can’t bear to do.[/FONT][/sIZE]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Thanks for listening, any thoughts or advice are welcome and appreciated.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[Lizzie60]

My bet is that they won,t stay together... I've known a guy who separated for a year (break)... they moved back together for the kids and to try to work things out... it lasted about 8 months I think... now it's over..they sold the house. They know now that it will never work.

 

So, just hang in there... it won't last.

[lost4ever]

It is hard to break it off, I tried so many times, then there came a point where it was not "love" I was feeling anymore, the only thing that really keeps OP in this kind of relationship is the married one telling them (OP), I do love, It "may" happen, gives us that hope...but really (hate to say it) There is no hope, he wants to be with her. what I had to do was tell him I was telling the wife, then he told me how he really felt, the hope was gone...You need to find whatever it is that would tell you there is no hope...what could he answer for you that would make you understand that you are his 2nd option? If you died tomorrow, and he was on vacation with his wife, would he dare tell his wife they have to cut it short because he has to go to a funeral? Most people would leave a vacation for a friends death, sad thing is most of our MM wouldn't dream of it.....I'm sure they would leave flower at the grave site though,....

[sadbuttrue]

It is hard to break it off, I tried so many times, then there came a point where it was not "love" I was feeling anymore, the only thing that really keeps OP in this kind of relationship is the married one telling them (OP), I do love, It "may" happen, gives us that hope...but really (hate to say it) There is no hope, he wants to be with her. what I had to do was tell him I was telling the wife, then he told me how he really felt, the hope was gone...You need to find whatever it is that would tell you there is no hope...what could he answer for you that would make you understand that you are his 2nd option? If you died tomorrow, and he was on vacation with his wife, would he dare tell his wife they have to cut it short because he has to go to a funeral? Most people would leave a vacation for a friends death, sad thing is most of our MM wouldn't dream of it.....I'm sure they would leave flower at the grave site though,....

 

oh my god lost, this is so sad, but true? i have thought much the same. what if something happened to me, would he be at my bed side in the hospital? or would he stay in the background as a concerned friend?

 

to the op, it really is difficult to end such a R. i have not ended mine because of the hope lost spoke of. it is hard to kill that hope. there is a good chance that his M will not make it through this turmoil. if you think you have the fortitude to stick it out for him, then MAYBE he will come back to you. i really do feel your pain and confusion in this situation.

[woe_is_me]

Lizzieeeeeeee i heart your avatar!!!!!!!!!! is he/she yours??

[fidela666]

Girl, this is a sign!!! You can do it, it take time to stop thinking about him and feeling sad. Go to the shrink, it helps a lot, what you are doing now, being here and talking about it helps a lot. You deserve better, you are worth more then just a couple of nights in a month. Who is #1 in your life? You are!!!! so take care of #1 and everything else will fall into place. Time is the mother of science, it takes a time to get the right formula = ) Hang in there!!! and sing that song: I will survive = )

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Hi Victorianna,

 

Our situations are very similar and I know how difficult it is, especially when there are children involved.

 

When a MM returns to his marriage for his children I believe only one of two things will happen:

 

a) He will try to reconcile with his wife for the sake of his children and the reconciliation will not work because he is not reconciling for the sake of his marriage. His focus is out of kilter. Therefore the reconciliation will become further out of grasp and MM will either continue to try and reconcile whilst feeling unhappy or will leave the marriage. His BW could also make these decisions. Either way its a long shot that staying together for the children will ever work, because eventually MM and BW will realise that they will survive a marriage breakup as will their children as long as they can separate/divorce properly.

 

b) He will try to reconcile and he will be reconciling not only for his children but also for his marriage. If they try hard enough with the added cement of their shared love for their children, they probably have a good chance. However, MM may still continue contact with OW but the relationship will not be prioritised due to the effort of rebuilding a marriage, and the affair will probably fade out eventually.

 

The problem is, whether MM is reconciling for only his kids, or because he believes he has another shot at his marriage, where does that leave you? If you're waiting for him to have one last shot at his marriage, is this something he has expressed an interest in you doing? Or are you pursuing him to continue friendship when he appears to be working on his marriage?

[Victorianna]

The problem is, whether MM is reconciling for only his kids, or because he believes he has another shot at his marriage, where does that leave you? If you're waiting for him to have one last shot at his marriage, is this something he has expressed an interest in you doing? Or are you pursuing him to continue friendship when he appears to be working on his marriage?

 

 

If I look into a dark corner of my brain, where I don't want to look, I think that they will never actually divorce and will just keep separating and reconciling until their children have grown and left home (they separated once before when the kids were little). I don't really think they are working on their marriage, I think they are playing their roles so that everything looks normal to kids & other family. He's never asked me to wait around for him, it's more like he just assumes I feel the same as him and don't want our connection to end.

 

If I start to talk to him about us not seeing each other anymore, he says things like "stop, this is too hard, it hurts too much to think about" and then sometimes I'll ask "what are we?" he'll say "I don't know, we are us, we are special" and so it goes. He's a very warm and affectionate man, but all the years he spent in the Israeli army and on the Tel-Aviv police force have made him fairly stoic. I've only seen him cry twice. Once when they kids called him to tell him how excited they were that he was moving back home and the second was our last night alone together when we were trying to say "goodbye". But I know what fidela666 says is true - I'm worth more than a couple of nights (or, in our case, mostly mornings) a week. But at the moment, I can't get past what I want, which is to be close to him whenever humanly possible.

[Bobby NoBrains]

I think the worst part of being an OW is that you become isolated and that makes you even more lonely. Your loneliness makes it even more difficult to stay away from the MM or thoughts of him, and that only intensifies your need for him. I can almost feel your pain, girl, so sorry.

 

I have no suggestions about what to do, except that if you can get out more with people you know and love (besides the MM) you will find it easier to deal with the pain of being away from him. Take the help of your family and friends and find something new and useful to do so that you are distracted from sad and lonely thoughts.

 

Just my two bits ..

 

Bobby

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

The problem is, whether MM is reconciling for only his kids, or because he believes he has another shot at his marriage, where does that leave you? If you're waiting for him to have one last shot at his marriage, is this something he has expressed an interest in you doing? Or are you pursuing him to continue friendship when he appears to be working on his marriage?

 

 

If I look into a dark corner of my brain, where I don't want to look, I think that they will never actually divorce and will just keep separating and reconciling until their children have grown and left home (they separated once before when the kids were little). I don't really think they are working on their marriage, I think they are playing their roles so that everything looks normal to kids & other family. He's never asked me to wait around for him, it's more like he just assumes I feel the same as him and don't want our connection to end.

 

If I start to talk to him about us not seeing each other anymore, he says things like "stop, this is too hard, it hurts too much to think about" and then sometimes I'll ask "what are we?" he'll say "I don't know, we are us, we are special" and so it goes. He's a very warm and affectionate man, but all the years he spent in the Israeli army and on the Tel-Aviv police force have made him fairly stoic. I've only seen him cry twice. Once when they kids called him to tell him how excited they were that he was moving back home and the second was our last night alone together when we were trying to say "goodbye". But I know what fidela666 says is true - I'm worth more than a couple of nights (or, in our case, mostly mornings) a week. But at the moment, I can't get past what I want, which is to be close to him whenever humanly possible.

 

I would say "You need to force answers out of him" yet, I think the answers would only give you a temporary reprieve to the pain and uncertainty you are feeling - until you need more answers and more reassurance.

 

I guess the question is - if MM never separates and never divorces are you willing to stay as the OW? I never suggest asking the MM for timelines as to when he think he may leave or any plans he may put in place to remove himself from his marriage. I dont think the asnwers they give to questions are sufficient because you end up relying on someone elses deadline.

 

The only way I think works is to give yourself a deadline. How long are you willing to wait and see?

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

I think the worst part of being an OW is that you become isolated and that makes you even more lonely. Your loneliness makes it even more difficult to stay away from the MM or thoughts of him, and that only intensifies your need for him. I can almost feel your pain, girl, so sorry.

 

I have no suggestions about what to do, except that if you can get out more with people you know and love (besides the MM) you will find it easier to deal with the pain of being away from him. Take the help of your family and friends and find something new and useful to do so that you are distracted from sad and lonely thoughts.

 

Just my two bits ..

 

Bobby

 

That's a really nice supportive post Bobby, regardless of whether you have no suggestions...just MY two bits...

[Smiling again]

Hi, I am new to this this site as well...or I should say, new to posting here. Victorrana, only you can make the decision to stay or go... Sadbuttrue's words really hit home with me...I was with the OM off and on for 5 long years...and ours was a little different in that it was long distance as well. I know how you can feel so amazing and full of love and life when you are with that OM, but when life comes crashing down on you, and suddenly he isnt there to help pick up the pieces like you were sure he would be...it can be the most painful experience of your life.

 

I had a personal issue, a very deep loss in my life, and the OM who I thought loved me and cared about me and would be there for me, wasn't. Not even for a brief minute...claimed he just couldnt handle it...keep in mind this was the man who turned to me for support when his parents passed away..when he lost his best friend to cancer. I flew to be by his side because that's what you do when you love someone. A very painful lesson learned...and one I wont soon forget. I ended up walking the day he chose not to help me...and I have never looked back. It has not been an easy road to travel. It was losing my best friend, my lover, confidante, partner in crime all rolled into one. But, if you make that choice...it can be done!!! It has been 18 months with NC for me. I do think about him...wonder how he's doing...and our relationship taught me so much about myself as a person. The best lesson I learned is this, he couldn't handle me at my worst, so he didn't deserve me at my best!

 

I hope you can figure it out...you will do what works best for you and your life and obviously, you have already found a lot of great support from this site. Goodluck!!

[frannie]

He made a choice and it’s the right choice, his kids need him, and I should be strong and make him stick to it, but I don’t feel strong. I do feel sad, hurt, lonely, heartbroken, guilty…not the way you should feel when you’re “in love”. But when I think about breaking things off I imagine myself with all those feelings magnified to the point of agony and I just can’t do it. I’d really like to know how others managed to do what I can’t bear to do.

 

Well Victorianna it sounds like you know you need to end it, but you're not quite there yet. Ending it seems far too painful, and it's something you can't face... yet.

 

But, you will be able to do it, when the time is right for YOU. When you feel that the pain of staying in it is worse than the pain of ending things. When you have lost hope of a future with him. Or when you can see that you've become all broken and unhappy and there's very little that's positive in hanging on.

 

I would suggest a first step would be to start focusing on other parts of your life, right now. Take up something new for yourself, start putting yourself first. Think about things that make you happy, futures you can work towards, that don't include him. Start calling old friends, making new friends. Widen the focus of your mind from that narrow beam that's been on 'if he leaves, my life will get better', and start making things better all by yourself. Cut down on calling him, or cut his calls shorter, start confiding in other people rather than him, and so on. Incrementally change your life to take the focus off him.

 

After a while of doing that, you will have a much better perspective, and feel much stronger. And the next step will seem doable rather than an impossibly painful task.

[woe_is_me]

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I could never have stopped it.

 

He did and it broke my heart.

 

I healed but he came back and went again and broke my heart again...

[traingirl]

" .. he couldn't handle me at my worst, so he didn't deserve me at my best!"

 

That is one of the most wonderful, inspiring quotes I have ever heard! Thank you, Smiling!