Cheesecake Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 ....how many of those marriages pre-divorce involved affairs? How many of those who were in the separated stage had a bridge or immediate relationship to cushion the blow? Or just fell into another relationship because they couldn't handle being alone? Or maybe because they met someone else they fell in love with? How many of you out there are divorced and how many of you and/or your spouses were "single" through the separated stage and/or shortly after your divorce? Or did you or your spouse already have someone else in your/their life? Just curious. Most people who I know who have divorced have either had one or both spouses get into another relationship fairly quickly. Or they actually were in one "quietly" or "emotionally" but it became full blown after the papers were final. Thoughts? Come on, I want to steer away from the regular "Oh, he/she's a lier and a cheater, and inhuman and if he/she isn't with you he/she loves their spouse"...blah, blah, blah discussion that usually transpires. Think about the divorced people you know....not the married ones who are currently in affairs.
NoIDidn't Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Almost all of the D'd people I know had someone in the wings. Whether it was emotional, like truly friends but interested, or some type of A, they ALL had someone else waiting for them. Well, not all. Usually one partner had no one, but the one demanding the D did. I can't remember the well-known psychologist right now, but he says that most Ds are caused by one partner having someone else when his clients have been totally honest with him. I have never believed the 17% figure you see in most stats. Real life (even though I don't have a large enough sample) seems to dictate that most people don't want to venture out into the unknown alone. Whether they stay with the person they used to give them those wings or not, they tend to want to have them there.
lost4ever Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 -I will be divorced, My affair was during a seperation I never dreamed of having someone else until it happened. -the one person I know that is divorced Husband had an affair -The two people I know for sure had an affair, there spouses don't know; and there relationship is no better or worse than anyone else. My MM has had 4 affairs that I know of during 10 years of marriage (don't know anything about the affairs, ie how long they lasted ect.) his wife don't know and he seems to like his wife just fine, his wife seems to like her life just fine also,
mopar crazy Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 A lot of the ppl I know that have been D are b/c there was someone else. Now, w/ my sisters I don't really know if there was but their reasoning for D was not b/c of an A. My oldest sister D her H b/c he was an alcoholic and was never home. As soon as he got off work he went to the bar and got drunk and didn't get home until late. W/ my other sister, she D her H b/c he was physically abusive to her, even put her in the hospital. She wanted a D for years but was scared our dad would get screwed financially b/c of it, wont get into it, he just owed my dad thousands of dollars. Anyhow, after he beat her so bad my dad told her to get the hell out of the M, he didn't care about the money. Shortly b4 my sister did file for a D she was involved w/ another man. They are now happily M for 15 years and two beautiful children together.
Meaplus3 Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 ....how many of those marriages pre-divorce involved affairs? How many of those who were in the separated stage had a bridge or immediate relationship to cushion the blow? Or just fell into another relationship because they couldn't handle being alone? Or maybe because they met someone else they fell in love with? How many of you out there are divorced and how many of you and/or your spouses were "single" through the separated stage and/or shortly after your divorce? Or did you or your spouse already have someone else in your/their life? Just curious. Most people who I know who have divorced have either had one or both spouses get into another relationship fairly quickly. Or they actually were in one "quietly" or "emotionally" but it became full blown after the papers were final. Thoughts? Come on, I want to steer away from the regular "Oh, he/she's a lier and a cheater, and inhuman and if he/she isn't with you he/she loves their spouse"...blah, blah, blah discussion that usually transpires. Think about the divorced people you know....not the married ones who are currently in affairs. Good thread Cheescake as this one got me thinking! I come from a family with very little divorce. Infact the only Divorce I know of was between a aunt and uncle on my dad's side . It was painful for me to hear about because I loved them both so much as a couple "My aunt and Uncle". However As I became an adult I came to realize they both had other's on the side. I could never picture that when I was young because I never saw them at odd's. No that I am older, I can see how this could happen. Of the close friend's I have who are either divorced or separated, it was not because of someone else on the side but rather a "I don't love the person" anymore. I guess I must question Tolerance right now? If you are not in love with a person and miss that so much and still continue to stay with a spouse ( and don't fix the issues) then IMO it's only a matter of time before you will seek out that need in someone else and then your Marriage could eventually end because you had an "a" and were found out , or simly you confessed out of guilt. I am not sure just where I am going with this but I think my bottom line is this. If you no longer love your spouse, it's time to leave. AP:)
silktricks Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 My first marriage: Husband f*cked anything that walked, but I was the one who initiated the divorce. I had no one "in the wings". I met my current husband less than a year after the divorce. My husband's first marriage: He initiated the divorce. Neither he nor his wife had anyone "in the wings". I met him after his divorce was final for about eight months. His first wife remarried about 6 years ago. We have been together for almost 30 years.
Impudent Oyster Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Wow. I just had to process the 50% divorce rate figure. I only know ONE couple of my good friends and family who've gotten divorced. One. It was 5 years ago and had nothing to do with infidelity, neither spouse has remarried, the wife left the husband because she felt she wasn't getting her needs met, and they remain good friends. The husband still pines for his ex-wife and would remarry her in a second if she would agree to it, but I think she's content to be alone. They were married for 25 years when they divorced and neither of them ever cheated.
Author Cheesecake Posted October 3, 2007 Author Posted October 3, 2007 I can think of 10 divorced friends (most of which I've known for a LONG time so I know their spouses and was around during the beginning and the ends of their marriages.) Here are their stats: - 8 of the 10 involved affairs - 5 of the 10 found out about their WS affairs which was the ultimate demise of their marriage (although they claim their marriages had other problems as well.) 4 of those 5 WS are still with their OP 5+ years later. - 3 of the 10 suspected their spouses of serial cheating which the WS never openly admitted to. These 3 BS's remained in their marriages UNTIL they met someone they ultimately fell in love with WHILE they not yet legally separated (whether they had physical affairs before the separation is not known. I would never pry - none of my business They divorced and are still with their loved ones 10+ years later - 1 of the 10 - I'm not sure. They were married young for about 10 years, sex stopped completed after around year 7 or 8 (believe it or not, he's the one who stopped and his exwife is NOT unattractive). Separated last year, divorced this past February, and as of last month, he is now engaged to his new girlfriend. - 1 of the 10 - and I LOVE this story - dated for 9 years, got married, and separated a year later. Neither had anyone in the wings, however you can bet your bottom that they both actively dated liked crazy. They are both now remarried to other people and are happy. My point - for all those who say that people in affairs never leave or wind up with their OP's, please open your minds and remove the wool from your eyes. It happens all the time! Sometimes it isn't immediate - it just depends on the circumstances which are all different. And many times, it is not public knowledge. And I'm not condemning or condoning this behavior - I'm just saying it is what it is. Comments? Bring the noise. LOL.
lost4ever Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 yeah thanks for the false hope...now I guess I'll call my MM so he can treat me like crap for another year while he figures out what he will do
Author Cheesecake Posted October 3, 2007 Author Posted October 3, 2007 ...just providing a different perspective. I think you should stay strong and go with your gut if your gut is telling you that he's full of BS and that he's never going to leave. Of course, there are several of those out there as well. And if he treats you like crap, then absolutely stay out - why were you with him in the first place? You deserve much better - I've read many of your past posts and you sound like a very intelligent person. However, all I'm saying is that the opposite also occurs. Its not always one sided.
OWoman Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 ....how many of those marriages pre-divorce involved affairs? How many of those who were in the separated stage had a bridge or immediate relationship to cushion the blow? Or just fell into another relationship because they couldn't handle being alone? Or maybe because they met someone else they fell in love with? How many of you out there are divorced and how many of you and/or your spouses were "single" through the separated stage and/or shortly after your divorce? Or did you or your spouse already have someone else in your/their life? Just curious. OK: I've always had several lovers at any time. I was open about that when I got married - H never had anyone else (his choice). But I got bored and I left. We don't have separation required before divorce so the "separated stage" doesn't apply. I didn't leave FOR anyone - in fact, dumped them all together, moved out, had a long period of just enjoying being with myself (and baby, at the time) and then when I was ready, inhaled and got myself a bunch of lovers again. xH sat around for a while, got depressed, moved, had an A with a MW - looking for the family he'd lost, perhaps - it was his BF-of-the-time's-W. Divorce is very common around here. Often because of OP. Many of them land up together but not all. But this might not be representative.
alterego1234 Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 My ex had someone when she left me. I don't know how serious it was and frankly don't want to know or think I need to know. He was around pre-separation. He wasn't necessarily the direct cause, but I think he and a few other events caused her to think about what she wanted and motivated her to go for what she wanted. As the recipient of the divorce, I haven't dated yet but for a while the temptation was strong for a while just due to the loneliness and wanting to be wanted by someone. Glad I didn't act on those feelings and am thinking more with my head (the one on my shoulders) now.
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 I don't think its false hope if one remembers that each situation is different and you can never really compare or judge your situation alongside anothers relationship... Probably not surprisingly, being exposed as an OW brought support from some surprising areas and it transpired that many of the marriages I know were borne from an affair - even MMs mother was an OW for a number of years before MM was born. My very well-to-do director who drips of qualifications and elegance was an OW for 6 years before her MM left. They're now happily married and have children. Because of the stigma attached, or perhaps to protect previous partners, affairs dont appear to be celebrated when they are successful in conclusion. That being said, I think it would be extremely naive to think "Well some of the MM I know eventually left, maybe I should wait for mine a bit longer". Its down to your individual situation and whether you are happy within that situation.
lost4ever Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Wasn't happy being the other women, I'm way to much of a princess (self-proclaimed) to share, So I was kidding when I said I would call him....But I can not lie and say if he called me and said he left his wife I wouldn't care. I don't know if I would like him anymore if it was just me, but I sure would give it a try. I would really like to know if he is a jerk, or if this situation made him a jerk.
Rooster_DAR Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 If I am allowed to take an educated guess, I would tell you the most divorces are partly, if not wholly, related to someone else in the picture. The small percentage of divorces where the is no other party are women or men that have been abused or have some sort of mental incapacity. That's kind of what I believe until it can be proven otherwise, at which time I will change my opinion correctively. Cheers!
OWoman Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 If I am allowed to take an educated guess, I would tell you the most divorces are partly, if not wholly, related to someone else in the picture. The small percentage of divorces where the is no other party are women or men that have been abused or have some sort of mental incapacity. Sorry Rooster, but you're wrong in my case! I simply got bored, and left.
liddie Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 Speaking from experience, my D was due to abuse, both emotional and physical. BEFORE my papers were finalized he was already married again. Do I think he was cheating on me....NO!! He was never gone long enough. However, abusers do have a tendancy to jump from one relationship to another very quickly.
Jinxx Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 If I am allowed to take an educated guess, I would tell you the most divorces are partly, if not wholly, related to someone else in the picture. The small percentage of divorces where the is no other party are women or men that have been abused or have some sort of mental incapacity. That's kind of what I believe until it can be proven otherwise, at which time I will change my opinion correctively. Cheers! Yup! At least in my case. My first marriage because of abuse. Second marriage -- he met someone else (family friend) and they are now married and better suited for each other. Third marriage -- ugly blended family situation and other issues. Although we are legally separated I recently moved back in but only temporary until the house is sold. I became the OW to a MM in that marriage. What a mess that is.
EnigmaXOXO Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 My divorce wasn’t the result of infidelity. After fifteen years of dealing with pre-existing dysfunctions, addictions, in-laws from hell, an emotionally and physically unavailable co-parent and husband, dozens of family councilors and thousands of dollars trying to “fix” the unfixable, emotional and intimate distancing, feeling like an unwanted stranger in my own home ... I finally burned out and checked out. No new love interest waiting in the wings to “cushion” my fall. I took a blind, suicidal leap into the unfamiliar to save what little was left of my sanity. It was either die quick ... or die slow. I did us BOTH a merciful favor. So jaded and twitchy about men and relationships at the point, I wanted nothing to with anyone else until I got my own life figured out. By that time, I had already decided I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than spend one more minute feeling suffocated and trapped in any situation that even resembled a relationship. I meant it. I didn’t accept my first invitation for a date until a year and one month after my legal separation. My state requires a two year wait before the divorce is finalized. It was already agreed upon in our signed contract that we were free to see other people and live as if: “separate and apart.” No legal grounds for “adultery” on either side, and my Ex had already been reluctantly dating. My gal pals (worried that I was becoming a reclusive Ice Queen) kept encouraging me to get out there and do the same. I didn’t meet anyone who I felt any real chemistry with, and only two of the men I dated had enough personality going for them that they at least made it into the “buddy” zone. I met my current partner one month before my divorce was finalized. I was still gun-shy, and our relationship wasn’t “official” until five months later after we finally relaxed enough to let our guards down and become vulnerable again for one another. We’ve been together now for eight years. What’s more amazing ... is that we still actually LIKE each other! Oh, and my ex-husband is now remarried, too. His new wife is on husband number five, and hopefully her *last* if my ex (like me) has learned anything from the first go-around.
Herzen Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 I had no one in the "wings." My affair--in every sense--was long over. The feeling left, and never returned. I'm very happily single, now. I remain a very involved parent, but no one's husband. That's just the way I like it.
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