Filed for Divorce - Dreading telling him, even though he knows it is coming

[NotOverTheHill]

It is for the best, for both of us. He will probably not admit it. I feel like total sh*t, but I know I shouldn't. I wanted counseling, he did not. I wanted him to read a book that was highly recommended on controlling/verbally abusive relationships - he was "hurt that I suggested such a thing"

 

we haven't had sex in over 9 years (we have been married 10 years). I am the only bread winner in house, he has not worked in over 3 years, with the pretense of taking care of house (we have no children, but lots of pets) He is verbally abusive: doesn't want me to see friends, controls what and when we do things, his way or h*ell breaks loose (his way or the highway has gotten a bit better). He is homophobic, my aunt is gay - she contacted me after many years (my family is highly disfunctional) and he convinced me (and I was not ready - so willing to listen) to not talk with her or have anything to do with her.

 

My few friends don't care for him. He has been kicked off more internet forms then I care to remember.

 

Seems like a no brainer to leave? why have I stayed? My therapist is helping me figure that out. Lots of reason, some steming back to my disfunctional family, others my need to feel needed and helpful. I keep thinking things will get better, that I am being oversenstive (like he often tells me).

 

Last week was a milestone birthday for me. He knows of my feeling that lake of intimite contact is not good - that I may want children (but may be too late). We don't sleep in same bed or same room. In the evening of my birthday (he did get me card - better than last year, he forgot) he asked "Do you want to come watch me J--- Off?" - my insitance and shock not withstanding, he offered a few other ways to do the same thing. After voicing my disbeleif - he said I had lost my sense of humor, that it was only a joke. I should lighten up.

 

After many years of considering, and many months of planning. I filed the paperwork for divorce today.

 

Why today? he is out of town on vacation (yes, vacation) and I was able to get free time to gather everything together. Now I get to call him tomorrow and tell him.

 

while I still care for him (love him) as being a part of my life and sharing milestones, etc. I can't live like this anymore. But I am thinking about have a few drinks tonight (I drink maybe one a year).

 

I am scared of him. He has never physcally abused me, but I am still scared. Security company is coming to install system in house tomorrow. I can't keep him out, but I will feel safer. He was planning for this trip, and he once told me that he thought I was going to leave him, or change the locks when he left. He mentioned almost step by step what I had planned. He even said he now didn't want to go becuase he knew I was going to leave him.

 

Why on gods green earth am i stll feeling sorry for the damn man??

 

How do you tell someone that may be unstable, that you have just filed for divorce?

 

... Sorry for the possible rambling, I needed to get it all out.

[Melovator]

First off- bloody good on you. Not many women (or men) have the gonads to do what you're doing.

 

How do you tell someone unstable you've filed for divorce: if you can afford it, there's these lovely people called 'process servers' whose job it is to track people down and serve them legal papers. Can you arrange for one to serve him with the papers while he's away? It might sound like a sh*tty way to do it but its one suggestion.

 

Or just call and tell him and then when he wants to get into it, give him the name of your lawyer and tell him to discuss it with them. Change your phone numbers, main email addresses and get a post office box for your mail.

 

Keep a record of all contact from him in case you need to get a restraining order. Ask your phone carrier about if its possible to get a record of calls made to your house if it becomes necessary.

 

Have you packed all his stuff up? If he needs to come back to the home to retrieve items, tell him to make a time and then call the police, explain the history of abuse and concerns for your safety (as I recall from your previous thread he had made threats to harm you) and request a patrol to be present when he comes and gets his stuff. Do not underplay your concerns and do not be talked out of requesting such assistance.

 

If your police service won't do this then they're neanderthal f**kheads and you should contact your nearest DV service to see if they have workers who are able to be present (this is unlikely because of safety concerns for workers but if your area does not have appropriate police support then the DV service may still be having to do 'old school' safety assists). Where I live as long as you call in advance a patrol can be arranged.

 

He has been controlling you for a decade, if not longer, he's not going to give up now. He will up the ante, expect weeping, wailing, gnashing of teeth, suicide threats and possible physical violence. He will trot out every promise to change you've ever heard- just remember if he's not actually seeking professional help then his promises mean nothing in this context and he will need to be getting help for a long while for any change to be lasting.

 

No Contact is truly the best way to go once you tell him, it will give you time and space to 'debug' your personal programming of his influence, to rid yourself of all the negative thoughts you have about yourself because of him.

[NotOverTheHill]

Very good advice, and yes he has made veiled threats before. I am not sure at thise point I can make him leave the house. His name is on the deed after all. sure I can ask, but not likely to get me anywhere except another argument on whos name is on the lease.

 

If Ir realistically though he;d have a place to go to, or wanted to stay were he is now. i'd have no trouble arranging his stuff to arrive on his doorstep pronto.

 

He will bring out one promise I made to him. Our wedding vows, to stick together until death do us part. that we would be together no matter what.

 

To me that no matter what is as long as we are both working on it, and not just pne sides.,,

[Citizen Erased]

Did you file for divorce before he knew about it so he wouldn't be able to talk you out of it?

[In Sync]

Can you lock him out of your house without court orders...I mean..is this something that could trigger him off and push him to becoming abusive and more dangerous....I know you can get restraining orders but ususally those papers don't mean a hill of beans until after he's reacted..