Yesm Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 I've been friends with this girl close to a year now. When I just met her she was getting out of a bad breakup. I've always been attracted to her, but I never made a move. Well about 7 months ago she started dating another guy. They recently just broke up about a month ago, so last week I asked her to go on a date. She said that my friendship meant a lot to her right now and if I just wanted to hang out that weekend. So we did and we had fun watching movies and whatnot. So last night she sends me an email, Here are excerpts from it: "I don't want you to feel like I'm hiding anything from you. Call it childish if you want. But, yeah, I still have feelings for Joe AND Adam, which I know is no good, purposeless and ridiculous all at the same time. But, what can I say? I'm just very deeply hurt at this point.. so it makes me feel better 8) Anyway, just wanted to let you know that after last week's little thing. You're probably my best friend right now, and I wouldn't hide anything from you. But I also don't want you to think I chose someone else. I'm really ****ed emotionally, esp right now." There is a little more in the beginning where she talks about something she did to get her ex to leave her alone which she feels is childish. So anyway, am I reading this right in that she wants to date me but just needs time to get over her exes?
Lizzie60 Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 You are not mentioning your age and hers... but I suppose you're both very young. From what I read.. I think she just wants to be friend with you...nothing more. If I were you, I would be careful not to fall head over heels for her...you could be very disappointed.
Zona76 Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 It's painful for you because you want to be with her, and you can't have her(not the way you want) Can you see yourself walking away out of her life? If you said no, then be her friend. Do fun things. Take her out on picnics and to the zoo. Keep her laughing and smiling. Soon she will be looking forward to being with you because you make her happy and you don't expect anything from her.
Author Yesm Posted October 3, 2007 Author Posted October 3, 2007 Sorry we're both 26. I dunno if that's young or not.
underpants Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 You could have a shot with her, I think...maybe. No, she is not ready to date, however, she values your friendship. Also, she is seeking it. Also, she seems open and honest with you which is a good thing. If you can handle just being her friend she could see more...maybe with a little time. It could happen. Just give her time and be her friend. Don't get too emotionally invested with her for a while, but be there for her. Make her laugh and don't allow her to dwell too much on the ex's. If she gets down, suggest something fun and spontaneous, take her mind off of them and onto fun you. Don't crowd her either. Good luck.
norajane Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Also, flirt with her a little. Look into her eyes and smile; touch her a little bit, like taking her hand as you help her out of the car or taxi, put your hand on the small of her back as you open a door for her and then gently guide her through, brush her hair back from her eyes sometime; if you're out among friends and sharing a joke, look into her eyes and wink at her... Be confident and flirt with her, as though you're sure that it's just a matter of time until she's your girl. Don't mope around, don't try to talk her into it, don't push, don't be too much of a shoulder for her to cry on - be fun and have fun.
Mustang Sally Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 (But maybe not the same dialect you are looking for....) Nevertheless, my take is that you are in the "Friend Zone" with her right now. There may be a chance, as Unders said, to move from that to the "Lover Zone," but not right now. Pushing will likely result in you entering the "Ass Kicked to Curb Zone." Take it easy, don't pressure her. Yet. You will see if a chance develops or not. Or you can always come back here for more linguistic training...
gonetildecember Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 From how I see it.. I think she was nervous that you might have interpreted her saying she wasn't ready for anything and just wanted to chill, as her rejecting you. She seems like she really values you a a friend and doesn't want to lose you... but it also seems like she isn't into you romantically.... at least not right now. Maybe once she deals with her other stuff.
Timberlane Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Sounds like a bad case of the Friend Zone, and by that not one you might get out of. The clue is all of the details she is telling you about how the other guys are bad. She trusts you enough to spill the beans, so that's not good. If she was interested in you, she might keep some of that stuff private so as not to turn you off. Now it seems as if she hasn't considered that.
underpants Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Sounds like a bad case of the Friend Zone, and by that not one you might get out of. The clue is all of the details she is telling you about how the other guys are bad. She trusts you enough to spill the beans, so that's not good. If she was interested in you, she might keep some of that stuff private so as not to turn you off. Now it seems as if she hasn't considered that. ....you no speak woman... No doubt, you are in the friend zone. However, it has been one month since her last break up. This is a good time to get out of the friend zone if played nicely and genuinely. Anything she offers you about her ex's could be valuable information for you. However, I would not let her vent....for more then 10-15 minutes before you do something absolutely amazing. "Lets go get ice cream!!!", grab her hand and waltz her to the door. On some other occassion after you spill the beans here. You could slip into some random conversation something brilliant that shows how much you two have in common. I liked alot of what Norajane suggested. Although not too much. One/two slight physical things per time together and see how she responds. If she moves away from you very subtle advances then that is a cue to back off. I would let her be the one to initiate any kiss stuff. Are you willing to invest another month or two? Now I am saying this hoping that you do genuinely like her and your intentions are good.
Trialbyfire Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 I would just be her friend. I don't think she's emotionally capable of making any decisions at this point in time and could hurt you, without meaning to do so. Even when she gets over the others, there's no guarantee that she will want to be with you.
Timberlane Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 ....you no speak woman... I can't tell what kind of underpants you are wearing. You woman?
JCD Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Be her friend but don't fall in love with her just yet.
Author Yesm Posted October 4, 2007 Author Posted October 4, 2007 Thanks folks I appreciate the feedback. I've been sitting here, mulling over what you had to say. One thing I might mention that may cast some different shadows on this is that she had a son with one of her aforementioned exes, and after her son was born he told her that he didn't want to be with her and started dating another woman a week later. And he's pretty much non-existent. Very rarely does he spend time with his son. That was the first ex. This recent ex was, for lack of a better word, a rebound, and I kinda saw it as that. But still that didn't work out and the word psycho was tossed around at her a bit. So that leads me to if I'm genuinely interested in her. In the past I've smothered any chance I had with women by being waaay too "hey here I am!" once interest was established by her. So with this new woman I've been purposefully taking it slow, and trying to build a friendship first, and then seeing if it lead to anything. We are very much alike, in that we both have the same views on religion, we both want kids and to be married eventually, we're both potheads that like to chill and watch movies and talk about 'absract' things, to name a few. I also have trouble trusting women (or anyone for that matter) so I've been trying to build a foundation of trust on both sides. I find her attractive and sexy, I like being around her, and I can see us being happy together. So yes I'm genuinely interested I feel . But is she interested in me? That's been the big mystery for me this past year. She found me on myspace. I honestly think I may have been a booty call, but don't take my word on that. We ended up hanging out a few times, and nothing ever came from it physically, but we continued to hang out. So there was always this ambiguity with her to me. Which brings us to last week where I asked her out. In retrospect it may have been a tad early, but I'm kinda Rain Man-ish when it comes to dating. But I was pretty much just looking for an answer and prepared to deal with being rejected. So her answer was "Maybe...I'll have to see how I feel this weekend." So that kinda spun me around a bit. I then reminded myself that the ball was now in her court, and to let her be. A couple days later she responded via text that "my friendship meant a lot to her right now and if we could just hang out on Saturday". I said yeah sure and cracked a joke about how smooth I was with the ladies and told her there were no hard feelings. So we hung out and she did seem a bit quieter and aloof than usual, as if she were observing me. Anyway, then outta nowhere two days ago I receive that email in my first post. Don't crowd her either. We pretty much hang out 3-5 times a month since I've known her. Usually I'm the one to initiate hanging out. I'm just gonna stick to that I guess. Anyway, thanks for listening.
BlueEyedGirl Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 I think that Norajane's advice is great. If more men that are in so called friend zone tried subtle flirting as opposed to pressuring and declaring their feelings of undying love...term friend zone wouldn't exist.
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