theNephilim Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 I'm new to these forums, so please forgive me for the length of this post. I would like any thoughts (hopefully mostly positive) and experiences anyone has to share with me... I'm going to try not to expose too many specifics - if she happens across this post then I do not know what will happen, I just need someone to talk to. Thanks in advance. First, some Backstory: Come October 16th, my wife and I will have 20 months of marriage together. She was 19 and I was 21 when we got married. We dated for about a month, I preposed and we were engaged another month (and she moved in with me in my parents house during our engagement). I have never abused my wife, not verbally, physically, or emotionally. I try to give 200% effort to her whenever I could, but found that to be very difficult. I would have to settle on 90% as the amount I have been efforting our marriage. I love my wife more then anything words can describe. She is my partner, my mate, my best friend. I will do anything for her, I am willing and want to change for both our sake, and I will go with her to the ends of the earth and back, just so we can be together. She was born in Conneticut, and was raised most of her life (from about age 6 or so up) in North Carolina. Her mother has had 4 marriages (all of which unsuccessful) and had my wife from a one-night stand with a man who she never had a relationship with, my wife doesn't even know him. My mother in law's last husband (of 12 or so years) cheated on her, and she left with her younger son (age 12 at the time) to go back to her childhood home of CT, leaving my wife to basically fend for herself in NC (My opinion, not my wifes). My wife has had many romantic relationships, all of which have ended poorly, and she is a beautiful and chrismatic woman. She has a wonderful sarcastic humor that could make anyone smile (and sometimes get pissed off). She is extremely attached to her mother and this has worried and bothered me in the past, I've made some mistakes in dealing with it, but I have learned to live with it. She came to Socal because she had no place else to go. Her Uncle who lives here gave her shelter and hooked her up with her job. I was born and Raised here in SoCal all my life. My parents just celebrated their 37th wedding anniversay yesterday, and I have only one sibling, a (12 years older) older sister. My mother is a recovering alcoholic, and I will never pick up a drink because of my personal issues with alcohol. I am not really attached to my family... yes I will be there for them and vice versa, but I do not have the relationship with them that my wife has with her mother. I work nightime graveyard shifts, and although my wife had reservations about my hours, she got used to not having me home 4-5 nights a week. We actually met at my job, she was starting online school soon and was bored, so she got a job on night crew at my store to occupy herself and make some extra coin (her regular job is a 55-hour per week ordeal, and she was bored, and wanted another 40 hr/week job? you can see she likes to work). She does throw herself into work sometimes, and I have had issues with this, but I have learned to deal with it. My wife hates it here in socal. She hates the large population, being mildly-to-moderately agoraphobic, and she hates her job. She hates our apartment building (the neighbors mostly). She runs home from her job and makes it home in an amazing 12 minutes, everyday, like clockwork. And this is San Diego. Thank god she hasn't gotten a speeding ticket here. And now, onto the mess: In august her mother and bro came out here to visit on vacation. My wife and mother didn't have a good time, and all three of us would say it was because of me, I will wholeheartedly admit it. I got into arguments with her mother, not intentionally, they were just differences of opinion (one big one being about alcohol and how I do not like to be around it - my wife said she didn't marry a Nazi). I never yelled, cursed, screamed, or tore into anyone. I just made stupid sarcastic comments, one of which really caused a big problem: Mother in law liked to tease us about how she wants us to move back home with her when we have a child, or she gets sick, etc. She started to do this alot, and it bothered me. My wife doesn't want to move to CT, but she REALLY wants to move closer to CT so she could visit her family more often. I understand this and after saying 'no' to moving several times, I finally caved in and asked her to compromise with me, and to wait a little longer before we make the decision to move. During the MIL's visit, we were all sitting outside smoking cigarettes when her mother told us about how she was planning her parent's 40-something wedding anniversary. She said 'of course you guys will be there' and we willingly agreed. Except somehow the subject of us moving back to CT came up, and I made a stupid sarcastic remark about the anniversay trip - I said 'Have fun' as to imply my wife would have to go back to visit her family alone, because I wanted no part of it (at least what my wife and MIL took from the comment). MIL said - 'so you would be wanting to divorce if she wanted to move back home?'. I said 'no, I never want to divorce or leave my wife'... I would do anything for her. I didn't think to explain at the time that I was angry over MIL's comments, and that I had absolutely no intention to sound like I wanted to end our marriage because my wife wants to move. But the damage was done. A year ago my wife and I flew back to CT to visit MIL and meet the whole family. I hit it off with MIL and the grandparents, but the first time I met the other family members I got freaked out. We went to a birthday bash for one of my wife's cousins, and over 100 people were there. Not being close to my extended family, and a not-so-good-in-large-groups guy, I withdrew. I looked miserable. I didn't talk, unless spoken to, I didn't eat because I was nervous, and My wife was visibly upset by all of this. Add to it the teenagers at the party were drinking alcohol and smoking weed out in the woodshed, which pissed me off. The next day MIL took us to visit one of her brothers, and he and his wife were chain smoking in a closed house with their three little girls as victims. I got pissed again (my wife and MIL lit up next to the kids, WTF?!?), but didn't speak my mind, not to anyone. I withdrew again, became silent bob again, and my wife got visibly upset. She took me outside, yelled and cried at me in the car, and I said I was sorry, that I have issues with some of the things her family does, but I will try harder. And I did. I had an open mind, I will try not to pass judgement, after all, it's my own life I need worry about, not theirs. After a long talk with both my wife and MIL, The rest of the trip went fairly smoothly, even thought my wife says her family thinks I dont like them and was judging them. But my wife has been hurt since then, and like I said before, the damage has been done. The separation (and heartbreak): Sat, sept 22nd... I had to be to work at 11 PM so my wife woke me up at 10. She looked down, depressed, sad. I reached up, pulled her into bed and held her, asked her what was wrong, tell me... After several minutes of my asking, she sat up and began to cry. She said she thinks we need some time apart. She said she's confused, she has a million 'what-ifs' running through her head, and that she needs to sort them out. She was going on a two-day baseball trip her uncle (who lives near us here in Socal) paid for and had offered to us for free. I couldn't get the time off work, so I told my wife to go and have fun. She thinks I dont like her uncle and didn't want to go because of him (I genuinely like the guy, he works hard, earns alot of money, and has taken very good care of my wife, I love him just for that.). I was in shock after she told me, but at work I began to break down a bit. I asked my boss (who is my close friend) if I could bail early and he graciously permitted. I got home at 3 AM and completely broke down. I cried for the first time in seven years. She was a stone. Emotionless. She had already cried herself out. I kept saying "I love you" and her response was "I love you too" instead of our normal "I love you more". The next day she went on her trip, and although she held my hand as I dropped her off at her uncle's, she was cold and distant towards me, Like I was an annoying little brother. Her trip went fine and she called me a few times. I was (still am) an emotional wreck, but I held it together over the phone. We just talked about her trip, I think I asked a couple times if she had a chance to think, and she just said 'yeah, a little'. She told me to be home When she came home from her trip, and So I was. That night we had a few cigarettes, I sat and talked (ackwardly) with her while she took a bath (I always sit on the floor next to the tub when she bathes, except when Im in there with her), and then we went to bed. The rest of last week was hell, I stayed off-and-on at home and also at my parent's (who live less then a block away). I KNOW she is not cheating on me, I used to work for (and was, for a short time myself) a Private investigator, so I know everything about affairs. Ill give a summary to finish up this stupid-long post (Im sorry again for it): - She's realised she doesn't love me as much as she did (referencing that falling-in-love, heart-dropping when we kiss feeling has left). - She wont say 'I love you', or hug or kiss me, and I can see she is making a point of it. - She said she had to grow up too young, and that on top of that we got married too young and too soon (when asked, she said she would have dated me for ALOT longer). - We're seeing a marriage counselor, I initiated it, and she agreed, even though she thinks it wont help her (at least she's keeping an open mind). My wife hasn't been getting any sleep at all. She's getting about 3 hours of sleep a night, and on thursday night/friday she fell asleep at 330 am while having to be up at 630 that morning for her 730 friday morning meeting. I came home to see she was still asleep at 645, so I woke her up and offered to drive her to the meeting and wait the 30 minutes and bring her home. After the meeting we started talking in the car, and both of us started crying. We got home, and while crying over our McSausage whatevers, she asked me to stay and hold her so she could get some sleep. She said she didn't need me persay, but someone. She said all she wants to do is run... to go home and curl up on her mother's lap and fall asleep. She said that she didn't know if I should stay, because it's not a real separation, and left the decision to me. I stayed. I held her, we fell asleep. I need her too, and I dont regret staying. The first counseling session was a get-to-know-you sort of thing, not much progress was made, and It mainly focused on me. Hopefully the next session will focuse on her and us together, so we can have a good talk about things. the next session is tomorrow (wed). anyways.... this post has been way too long. Ill stop now, without telling any more of the story or the details... I'll post more of it later, and updates, but this has taken 2 hours to write and I need a break. thank you all in advance, and l8r.
lostboy60645 Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 G-d, grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change The courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference... ...Thy will, not mine, be done Amen Familiar with that? Although your story is considerably different from mine (blog link in profile), I see some striking similarities. My first thought is, dude, you're doing the right thing by getting other people's opinions. My second thought is, get an individual counselor for yourself. I must admit, I have not seen problems in myself and saw problems in my EW very easily. Now as a new single (divorcee) who's been in counseling by myself for almost two years, I see that: 1. I needed the perspective of a trained professional to see the BIG picture, particularly about myself, how I handle personal relationships, and how I communicate. 2. I needed tools that I could use to improve those things, whether or not EW was going to go along with the program. Like I noted above, I'm not at all in the same situation as you--I'm a serial cheater who had sex with dozens of prostitutes, in addition to being a compulsive internet porn user, prior to the current recovery--but we have some very similar, important parallels. My parents had the typical addict/co-dependent relationship. They also did not know how to be 'real' or show love to their kids. These things, in conjunction with verbal, physical, and sexual abuse led me to have severe difficulties with personal relationships. It sure sounds like you and your wife have had a rough upbringing. It also sounds like there may be some communication breakdown as the separation seems to have 'blindsided' you and occurred quickly, per what I'm reading. The individual counselor will help tease out some important aspects of your relationship that you may not have a useful perspective of, and they may also help you see some areas where you need to grow, which will help you in all relationships, including one with a spouse. Hope that helps. Best to you both LB
Author theNephilim Posted October 3, 2007 Author Posted October 3, 2007 Thank you, lostboy, for you post. This separation has quite literally kicked me out of my shell. The emotion and fear I am feeling is so raw, so scary. I'm aware of the changes I have to make in my habits and person. I want to change, I want to stop being lathargic, start being active, lively, and not withdrawn emotionally. I will do anything for my wife - sacrifice everything, go anywhere, to end of the earth and back, just as long as we can be together, and be happy together. I need her, she is my true love, the one I will protect and care for with my whole existance. I can see my wife trying to distance herself. Our cell phones dont get good signal in our apartment, and my wife has complained about this since we moved in about a year ago. Her cell phone contract is up this month (I have the same provider) and on saturday she bought a new phone and contract with AT&T. I worry that this is an attempt to distance herself from me, but after she got the phone monday she called me from it and made a point to tell me to program it in my phone. You know those ringtones that you sometimes hear when you call someone? Well she programmed my contact to play her favorite song by my favorite band everytime I called. I almost cried when I called her and heared that song. I guess its a good sign, after all, she says she still loves me, just not like she did before. And she makes me take the new car to work because its safer then my old truck, a sign that she cares for me. And she still isn't getting sleep. She lays down at 11 but cant fall asleep till 3 am. When I was home, on my nights off, she would pass out as soon as we laid down and I held her. I hope she misses me. Not because I want her to be lonely, but because I want her to want and need me, the same way I want and need her. She's got a slumber party planned this sat night with her best friend, and a couple of her friends, over at our home. I hope she has fun. She's excited about being able to play board games and spend time with friends. It makes me think if I inhibited her from doing that before... I tried to encourage her to make friends and keep them. I didn't want her to be like my mother, without any friends and constantly longing for others to talk to. But she opted to spend more time with me instead of her friends... I enjoyed it, but I wonder if she regrets it?... our 2nd counseling session is today. My wife told me she wants to take it one session at a time. So I eagerly await our appointment. ...signing off...
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