Slacker05 Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 Hi, This might be an unusual post but I am searching for some help for my brother. Actually, I am searching for a way to help me help him. His marriage hasn't been very good for a long time (they've been married about 13 years). As his sister, I've always tried listening and encouraging him to talk to his wife. I suggested counseling, which they tried and that failed. They seem to be at the point where they don't like each other, don't talk much, and are really just roommates. He hates going anywhere with her but loves taking his kids places. Recently he said he wants to move on and be by himself. He has 3 kids (all under 10 years old) and feels he can be a more effective parent if they are apart. I feel like a bad person because I am at the point that I cannot listen to him about the arguments, the fights, and the disagreements anymore. I can't say I've ever thought she was the right person for him but I've always tried to be nice and a good sister-in-law. It was also his choice to marry who he wanted. Anyway, he wants to tell her he wants to move on but has been unable to do so. Her tactic (from what he has told me) is she immediately flips out and starts yelling. I guess he is afraid of the chaos that has followed the other times they've been through this. He has left her three times prior to this. She always threatens that he won't see his kids and as any loving father he cannot tolerate not seeing his kids. She has admitted to him that she is with him for the "support." He has a great job and she hasn't worked since their first child was born. She's also 8 years older than him and has been a housewife all this time. I know she's afraid of making it on her own, which I can understand. I don't think it's very nice though to use my brother like this. When he left before, he stayed with our parents twice and the third time got an apartment. He ended up going back because she would spin my neice and nephews up and those kids are his weakness. I do believe he is a good father but the bad part is he invents things to do away from the house and sometimes away from the kids so he doesn't have to deal with his wife. Now he wants to buy a house on his own. I have never told him to get a divorce or to not get a divorce as I didn't feel it was my place because it's his life and he has to be happy. However, it's driving me crazy. I told him he has got to be honest and get everything out in the open. Can someone please explain why it seems so impossible for him to just be honest with his wife about how he really feels? He wants out. How do I help him become able to face her? He is honestly afraid in the sense that from what he has told me you cannot have a civil conversation with her. Every time he left before he was never honest and said he wanted out. I want to help him but it is driving me crazy having to listen to the same thing every day. I guess that makes me a bad person and a bad sister. :-( Why is it so hard for him to just be honest when the two of them honestly seem to hate each other? How can I help him?? I am going out of my mind hearing this stuff every day. <sigh> Thanks for your help........
Je Ne Regrette Rien Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 I'm afraid I haven't got much advice for you Slacker05, but I must say, you sound like a GREAT sister. You're even posting on an anonymous forum for him. My brother would probably say "Just get on with it, make a decision, quit telling me your problems Ive got my own!". It sounds like a very sad situation, especially for his children who seem caught up in the whole circus of a marriage. I dont know where you are from, but in the UK, if he is a good father there isnt a court in the land who would deny him access. That said, courts cant deal with the emotional turmoil that the children face if the parents are warring, especially if he is not there to defend himself. Sorry about the lack of advice, I'm sure many posters with specialist experience will offer you more guidance
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