alterego1234 Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 Is there an NC primer around somewhere? I have an ex-Wife that Walked and we have three kids. For their sake we need to communicate, so I'm assuming that is OK to have business-like communications about the kids. Right? I think one area where I may be struggling is where I will prioritize tasks that she has requested higher than some other things on my list. To be clear, these tasks are things I need to do because they relate to the kids -- for example, getting the information we needed to decide whose health insurance the kids should be on. I try to tell myself that this is just to show respect, or it's in the best interests of the kids, or whatever. Truth is more like I'm probably her lap dog in these situations. Comments or suggestions? She's made it plain that she's done with me and has moved on to the next guy. I'm trying to work my way to indifference, but it's hard as she was my first everything.
CaliGuy Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 Is there an NC primer around somewhere? I have an ex-Wife that Walked and we have three kids. For their sake we need to communicate, so I'm assuming that is OK to have business-like communications about the kids. Right? Yes, keep the conversations 100% focused on the kids and do not ask her about the relationship. Show her indifference. I think one area where I may be struggling is where I will prioritize tasks that she has requested higher than some other things on my list. To be clear, these tasks are things I need to do because they relate to the kids -- for example, getting the information we needed to decide whose health insurance the kids should be on. I try to tell myself that this is just to show respect, or it's in the best interests of the kids, or whatever. Truth is more like I'm probably her lap dog in these situations. Comments or suggestions? As long as it's the kids then it's in THEIR best interest you do them. But do not do things out of convenience for her (ie: Watch the kids on HER days because she wants to go out with the new guy. That is a no no!). She's made it plain that she's done with me and has moved on to the next guy. I'm trying to work my way to indifference, but it's hard as she was my first everything. "Love Must Be Tough" - Dr. James Dobson is a good read. But honestly I would suggest visiting a marriage counselor as they'll be able to help you get your life back on track. Sorry to hear your marriage did not work out, but honestly, I'd much rather see you invest your time on someone who wants to be with you than someone who doesn't. You can't change the past but you still have a bright future ahead of you. Focus on you and the kids and make sure that your wife knows your OK with the divorce too. And give her the gift of missing you by keeping down the communication unless it directly involves the kids. NC is impossible in your situation but you can keep things very business like.
Author alterego1234 Posted October 2, 2007 Author Posted October 2, 2007 Yes, keep the conversations 100% focused on the kids and do not ask her about the relationship. Show her indifference. OK, I get that. As long as it's the kids then it's in THEIR best interest you do them. But do not do things out of convenience for her (ie: Watch the kids on HER days because she wants to go out with the new guy. That is a no no!). Erm. In general I have been taking the approach that the kids are innocent bystanders in this and I will do what I must do in order to minimize the damage to them. Presumably my ex knows this, and of course she can exploit this. So I am keeping the kids while she goes on a trip this weekend. It's a family thing on her side; I don't know if Next Guy is going or not, but it wouldn't surprise me. (I don't ask about Next Guy or bring him up at all with her for multiple reasons.) I can see your point that this helps her out, but I figure that in the long run the kids and I will be better off this way. Ultimately I hope they will see their mother for who she really is; while they are minors I can't slander her per court order. Multiple people around me, including my divorce attorney, the court system, and family and friends, have said that this is the better approach and my kids will ultimately figure out the truth. But I will try to figure out ways where I can be indifferent without impacting the kids. Those situations are rare but they do present themselves on occasion.
CaliGuy Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 OK, I get that. Erm. In general I have been taking the approach that the kids are innocent bystanders in this and I will do what I must do in order to minimize the damage to them. Presumably my ex knows this, and of course she can exploit this. So I am keeping the kids while she goes on a trip this weekend. It's a family thing on her side; I don't know if Next Guy is going or not, but it wouldn't surprise me. (I don't ask about Next Guy or bring him up at all with her for multiple reasons.) I can see your point that this helps her out, but I figure that in the long run the kids and I will be better off this way. Ultimately I hope they will see their mother for who she really is; while they are minors I can't slander her per court order. Multiple people around me, including my divorce attorney, the court system, and family and friends, have said that this is the better approach and my kids will ultimately figure out the truth. But I will try to figure out ways where I can be indifferent without impacting the kids. Those situations are rare but they do present themselves on occasion. I agree that being the bigger man is the best approach and you should continue on this course. But do not let her use the kids as a means to manipulate you. She has a responsibility to be a parent as much as you do. So when it's her time to watch them, it's her time. Unless of course you're asking her to watch them while you go out on dates. Then I suppose it's fair. But if you are not doing this to her, then do not allow her to do it to you. Show her some tough love. Read the book I suggested. It's not terribly long but the advice in invaluable. For you, for your ex and for your kids.
Author alterego1234 Posted October 2, 2007 Author Posted October 2, 2007 I agree that being the bigger man is the best approach and you should continue on this course. But do not let her use the kids as a means to manipulate you. She has a responsibility to be a parent as much as you do. So when it's her time to watch them, it's her time. Unless of course you're asking her to watch them while you go out on dates. Then I suppose it's fair. But if you are not doing this to her, then do not allow her to do it to you. Show her some tough love. Read the book I suggested. It's not terribly long but the advice in invaluable. For you, for your ex and for your kids. My biggest problem, which I'm only grasping recently, is not having self-esteem and trying to wrangle love from someone by giving them what they want. Not a recipe for respect from the other party, obviously. I need to learn to distinguish between "I'm doing this for you because I care about you" and "I'm doing this because I want you to care about me". I haven't dated anyone else since before she and I started dating 20 years ago, so no, I don't do that to her. I've got the book on hold at the library. I'll read it. Quite frankly I doubt it will do any good for her -- my ex is very nearly pathologically self-centered and has, according to most I've queried on the subject, moved on / written me off. Where there's life there's hope, but hope can be cruel, too.
CaliGuy Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 My biggest problem, which I'm only grasping recently, is not having self-esteem and trying to wrangle love from someone by giving them what they want. Not a recipe for respect from the other party, obviously. I need to learn to distinguish between "I'm doing this for you because I care about you" and "I'm doing this because I want you to care about me". Then read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Glover. He addresses these issues specifically and will cure you, if you READ THE BOOK I haven't dated anyone else since before she and I started dating 20 years ago, so no, I don't do that to her. Ok well then don't allow her to do it to you. I've got the book on hold at the library. I'll read it. Quite frankly I doubt it will do any good for her -- my ex is very nearly pathologically self-centered and has, according to most I've queried on the subject, moved on / written me off. Where there's life there's hope, but hope can be cruel, too. But the book will teach you how to apply "tough love" in your life. The other book will teach you how not to seek approval from others but seek it within. It will help you in your future dating life as well. Both books, as far as I can tell, will do you a load of good. Read them and let me know your thoughts.
Author alterego1234 Posted October 3, 2007 Author Posted October 3, 2007 Then read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Glover. He addresses these issues specifically and will cure you, if you READ THE BOOK Ok well then don't allow her to do it to you. But the book will teach you how to apply "tough love" in your life. The other book will teach you how not to seek approval from others but seek it within. It will help you in your future dating life as well. Both books, as far as I can tell, will do you a load of good. Read them and let me know your thoughts. I'll read them both. From the blurb on the web Glover's book looks like it is dead on what I need. Yep, I know these things will help me. I just wish there was some way to reach her. But there isn't.
oppath Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 I agree with all of Caliguy's advice. Arrange the days you will have the kids, and the days she will have the kids. Only terminate from that schedule for trips planned well in advance, a couple weeks notice at least.
CaliGuy Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 I'll read them both. From the blurb on the web Glover's book looks like it is dead on what I need. Yep, I know these things will help me. I just wish there was some way to reach her. But there isn't. There you go. Get and read the books, amigo. Both of them. They helped me more than you can imagine and I am not even married
Author alterego1234 Posted October 10, 2007 Author Posted October 10, 2007 Just popping in to add that I have been doing "common sense NC" with her -- meaning just business type stuff with the kids and nothing beyond that -- and I think she's already picked up on it. I don't want her back any more, but the feeling of not being her lap dog is great. I think she has basically been enjoying having her new guy and having me on a string as well -- took me a long while to understand that, but it makes perfect sense now -- and now that I'm not she seems surprised and somewhat curious what happened. Again, though, I pay attention to her responses out of amusement and curiosity about how relationships work -- and, I admit it, a somewhat selfish/vengeful satisfaction out of taking that pleasure or benefit away from her -- and not as a desperate "can we get back together" thing.
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