What gives? What would you do?

[DamnThisLife]

So I have been dating this girl for almost 2 months. Though we have been hanging as very close friends since last year. I told her I always wanted to be open and honest with each other. She agreed. We have both been cheated on and lied to by past ex's. So there is some baggage on both ends. We work together and back when she realized she was interested in dating another guy from an outside firm gave her his business card and asked her out. She said no and told me that's when it hit her that if she was going to date anyone it would be me. So advance 2 months and because she doesnt want everyone at working talking about us we kinda keep it secret. Well as I am telling her about this girl here that wants me to work on her PC that I had tried to date last year she comes out and tells me about an Email from the other guy that said he didn't want to go through life wondering if there was a chance for them.. So she didn't tell me when she got it but when I tell her about the girl it comes out. The incident with the girl had just happened like 1/2 an hour before? I feel she did it as a [COLOR=Red]*[/COLOR][COLOR=Red]*[/COLOR][COLOR=Red]*[/COLOR] for tat thing where as I was just being honest.

 

So we talk over IM and she tells me what do I want her to do. I say don't tell me about these things or do I don't care. I am not the jealous type. I even tell her to go to dinner with him if she wants as long as she comes home to me I don't care. Somehow she takes this all wrong and gets upset. We don't talk the rest of the day and her last txt is I will talk to you (me) tomorrow. Now we never go a day or night without talking and during the week I sleep next to her. So she calls the next morning and leaves me a message that she is not going to work for the day. I send her a txt that night around 7pm telling her I am home and do not feel like talking because I am pissed and have a good weekend. So we have not talked since. That was Friday night. We are obviously both stubborn. What should I do.

 

I don't feel as though I did anything wrong. Maybe I was insensitive but I was just being honest. She should have told me about the Email when it happened not days after. That was deceitful in my opinion. So what do we both never talk again. This is the stupidest thing ever. We are not kids either. She is 31. Does she have a right to be this mad at me? Should I apologize again? Should I send flowers? Should I walk away? HELP....

[LisaNotLiza]

There's obviously a serious lack of trust on both sides, and communication is not at its best.

 

I send her a txt that night around 7pm telling her I am home and do not feel like talking because I am pissed and have a good weekend.

That was incredibly stupid. If you didn't want to talk to her for a while, you did a good job.

 

I don't feel as though I did anything wrong.

It doesn't matter if you were right or wrong. You handled the rest like a schmuck and now she's pissed off. You both need to solve it.

 

She should have told me about the Email when it happened not days after.

That's silly. I understand how you would want to have an open and honest relationship, and not keep any secrets from each other. But does it really matter if it took her a few days to tell you? You wanted her to tell you about things, she did, and you're still pissed because she didn't do it right away. You both need to relax. It's understandable how you'd be extra careful after being cheated on, but I think you're taking it way too seriously. You could very well end up being cheated on again if you keep handling things that way.

 

You're gonna need a serious talk together and learn to trust each other without stressing over silly details like that.

[Kamille]

It does seem to be blown out of proportion, but then, I don't fully understand why you have an issue with the fact that she didn't tell you straight away about a guy she rejected and keeps rejecting.

 

I mean, the fact is, she did tell you, so it's not like she was trying to hide anything. And I don't really buy the tit for tat interpretation... She brought it up because it was relevant information in the context of the conversation. All I get is that hearing this comment made you feel jealous and insecure and you reacted to it very poorly... By telling her YOU DIDN'T CARE if she went out with him.

 

 

How would you have felt if she had said... why don't you go out with her? I don't care. Wouldn't you be a little bit upset?

 

So, basically, she's upset because she does care for you and she could never imagine giving you the green light to date someone else.

 

You say you are not a jealous man, yet the main issue in your post is all about jealousy - and I'm not sure whether it's coming from you, her, or the both of you.

 

You perceived her as being jealous of the fact that you got an invite. Your reaction to her comment also stems from jealousy - or minimally, a way to protect your feelings. It has been my experience that jealousy is one of those emotions that we are quick to attribute to others, when deep down we are the ones feeling insecure.

[DamnThisLife]

I really don't care if they go out for dinner or something. They work together. She loves me and I know that. I just think she would have told me sooner. Not like an oh by the way since girls are interested in you remember that guy???? Seems wrong. Not sure I can call her at this point, I really don't even know where to start. I do miss her and I am sad but I have other issues with her that I can't even begin to get into. This is just a crappy stupid misunderstanding.

[Kamille]

let me guess Damn this life, people probably frequently tell you that you are stubborn.

 

It doesn't matter whether or not you care if she does out for dinner, hell it doesn't even matter if the only reason she told you about this guy is because she was jealous that a girl was interested in you. (I still don't buy it though - this is your interpretation and nothing more).

 

What matters is that by saying you didn't care if she went out with him, you hurt her feelings. I repeat, it doesn't matter that you truly honestly don't give a hoot if she goes out with him. What matters is that you brought out this information during an argument, as a way to try and gain control of a situation that was careening out of control, most likely to gain the upper hand in a non-sensical argument over a highly subjective interpretation of her motivation for finally telling you about that guy.

 

you sound like you're sweating the small stuff here and I wonder why you feel the need to sweat it. Are you guys in the type of relationship where you are both competing to be right and have the upper hand? Where what matters most is who wins the fight, not how you can use conflict to learn more about each other and to learn how to communicate better in the future?

[NightsInWhiteSatin]

OK, this is my opinion, take it or leave it..just an opinion...

 

 

When you said something similar to 'go to dinner with him i don't care'

To her it comes across as you're not serious and you don't care...so if she is serious and does care...that probably hurt her a bit.

 

Also i think you're both really like eachother and happy with eachother...and also sounds to me like your both a little jealous of the attention that eachother gets....but a little jealousy is ok...just human...shows you both care and scared of loosing eachother. Just as long as you dont let it control or get too bad.

 

In this type of situation, i suggest...sitting face to face (dont do it over the phone) turn up on her doorstep, bring flowers or whatever if you want to...ask to talk....then both talk honestly about how you feel about eachother...you go first...if she doesnt say how she feels about you then ask her dont feel silly, just ask. After all i may be right you both might really just like eachother maybe even falling for eachother got a little jealous got your wires crossed a bit.

[Lucky555]

umm also i highly don't recommend online chat for your "serious" conversations. really you two need better communication face to face or phone with her voice and yours. Online will create mixed messages and there is no sensitivity and its difficult to determine how things are said PLEASE trust me on this its only going to create confusion. Texting is ok for brief notes. Online chat for hi and by but you need intimacy with your loved one therefore hearing them is far better. Oh and when you told her "I DONT CARE if you go out to dinner with him" wow that would have pissed any girl off you should apologize and never say you dont care unless you mean it....you do care but its her "CHOICE" i think thats the correct term, you meant "its your choice if you want to have dinner with him" see sounds better

[DamnThisLife]

Kamille,

I was telling her about the girls and me. She threw out the guy to get the upper hand if thats your take. I was not trying to accomplish anything but being honest.

 

Thank you all for your help....

[Kamille]

Kamille,

I was telling her about the girls and me. She threw out the guy to get the upper hand if thats your take. I was not trying to accomplish anything but being honest.

 

Thank you all for your help....

 

I just don't understand how you can be so sure that your intepretation of her actions is the right one and the only possible one. Could she not have simply brought him up to empathize with your experience? To show that she could relate? 90% of the time, empathy is why people bring up anecdotes.

 

But listen, it doesn't matter. Something in your posts triggered memories of my ex, who would always 'interpret' my actions for me, usually defavorably for me. That's probably not what you are doing - but if it is even just a little bit, please be aware that it is incredibly unfair to the person you are with.

[DamnThisLife]

I think Im going to send her a dozen roses tomorrow and tell her I miss her and I love her. I really don't know what else to do. Was I that insensitive that she would leave me? I can't believe how this stuff gets so out of control so easily. Her and I will really need to sit down and discuss stuff if we are to move forward because little stuff like this should not become this major of an issue.

[DamnThisLife]

Everything has turned out fine. We are doing well and this made us stronger. We will not walk away from issues in the future we will face them together. We both agree we were stupid and stubborn. We shall see....