spookie Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 Reading the threads on this site can be pretty discouraging. Seems like everyone out there is doing some combo of cheating, lying, not calling back, stereotyping, acting distant, or playing mind games with each other. Even in the married and getting married subsections. Is there such a thing as a mature, respectful, considerate, drama-free relationship? Or is love motivated by fear, power, and ego, without which it cannot even begin to exist?
KenzieAbsolutely Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 Reading the threads on this site can be pretty discouraging. Seems like everyone out there is doing some combo of cheating, lying, not calling back, stereotyping, acting distant, or playing mind games with each other. Even in the married and getting married subsections. Is there such a thing as a mature, respectful, considerate, drama-free relationship? Or is love motivated by fear, power, and ego, without which it cannot even begin to exist? i have one! there's hope, spookie! i had to go through a lot of trials and tribulations (and creepy people) to get here, but i'm here. several years together and in the early stages of planning my wedding and getting along great. we're in love, we respect each other, we have common goals and interests. we're honest, we're happy, and our families get along well. so,hope that helped, if it didn't make you puke! happy people are out there. they're just not usually on this board because most people here are here because of a problem, not to brag about their happiness to people who are hurting.
shadowplay Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 I don't want to jinx things, but right now I seem to be in a pretty happy, healthy relationship...my first one ever! I had some doubts for awhile, but things have been going really well lately. We've been together three months and never have had a fight, not even a little tiff, which is a first for me. I've never said anything critical of him and he's never said anything critical of me. I've never shared any insecurities of mine with him. Early on in the relationship he had some communication problems but as things progressed he became regular about keeping in touch and taking the initiative. We've only had a few brief "relationship" discussions, which I think is a good thing. In my experience, too much meta relationship analysis is usually a bad sign. The most important things I've done differently this time around: 1) Very rarely shared any insecurities with him or asked for reassurance whether it be about the relationship or myself. 2) Avoided needy behavior and let him take the initiative while still showing him I'm interested. 3) Always remained positive and consistently warm to him even if I'm pissed off or in a bad mood. This means letting little things go. 4) Been supportive of him. Encouraged him about his goals and made him feel like he's smart, talented and can accomplish great things.
Lauriebell82 Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 I'm in a good relationship! I post about my relationship concerns, most of which aren't serious issues just small little problems that I find helpful to get feedback about. EVERY relationship has issues and problems of some sort, even people who are deleriously happy. So there is hope to have a good relationship, and even people in good relationships have issues to deal with. No relationship is completely problem free, believe me! People who don't fight or have any issues usually just don't acknowledge them, and more often than not the relationship fails due to poor communication.
Lauriebell82 Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 I don't want to jinx things, but right now I seem to be in a pretty happy, healthy relationship...my first one ever! I had some doubts for awhile, but things have been going really well lately. We've been together three months and never have had a fight, not even a little tiff, which is a first for me. I've never said anything critical of him and he's never said anything critical of me. I've never shared any insecurities of mine with him. Early on in the relationship he had some communication problems but as things progressed he became regular about keeping in touch and taking the initiative. We've only had a few brief "relationship" discussions, which I think is a good thing. In my experience, too much meta relationship analysis is usually a bad sign. The most important things I've done differently this time around: 1) Very rarely shared any insecurities with him or asked for reassurance whether it be about the relationship or myself. 2) Avoided needy behavior and let him take the initiative while still showing him I'm interested. 3) Always remained positive and consistently warm to him even if I'm pissed off or in a bad mood. This means letting little things go. 4) Been supportive of him. Encouraged him about his goals and made him feel like he's smart, talented and can accomplish great things. That's because you've been together for 3 months. Add another year onto that and you'll see why people post so much on this forum.
Pyro Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 Reading the threads on this site can be pretty discouraging. Seems like everyone out there is doing some combo of cheating, lying, not calling back, stereotyping, acting distant, or playing mind games with each other. Even in the married and getting married subsections. Is there such a thing as a mature, respectful, considerate, drama-free relationship? Or is love motivated by fear, power, and ego, without which it cannot even begin to exist? Keep the faith. There are some great relationships out in the world. My relationship is a great example. I'll admit that they seem few and far between but they do exist as long as you find the right person for the job. Some of us will go through many people before we find the right one, so be patient and be open minded.
Trialbyfire Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 I've had some good relationships in the past. While they didn't last forever, they were still solid, healthy and positive relationships. More and more I'm wondering if there's such a thing as forever, at least for me. I know of some forever relationships for other people so I do know they exist. I just have to break out of this bad choices streak and work towards what worked in the past, with a few minor tweaks.
shadowplay Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 I've had some good relationships in the past. While they didn't last forever, they were still solid, healthy and positive relationships. . Why did they end, if you don't mind my asking?
Trialbyfire Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 Why did they end, if you don't mind my asking? When you're young, you change at a fast pace. Sometimes you don't change in similar ways, directions or goals. As long as you still like and treat each other with respect throughout the process, you can part amicably.
shadowplay Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 I think people focus too much on finding the right person instead of changing their own behavior and being more tolerant. Somebody doesn't have to be perfect for you for you to have a good relationship with them. Two people have to meet each other halfway and adapt to each other's needs and tolerate some of each other's limitations. Another mistake people make, particularly women, is moving too fast and making too many demands early on. People shouldn't dive into things like sex, plans for the future, serious commitments until real feelings have had time to develop...otherwise one party will get scared off because it won't feel genuine.
Author spookie Posted October 2, 2007 Author Posted October 2, 2007 i have one! there's hope, spookie! i had to go through a lot of trials and tribulations (and creepy people) to get here, but i'm here. several years together and in the early stages of planning my wedding and getting along great. we're in love, we respect each other, we have common goals and interests. we're honest, we're happy, and our families get along well. so,hope that helped, if it didn't make you puke! happy people are out there. they're just not usually on this board because most people here are here because of a problem, not to brag about their happiness to people who are hurting. That's great! Congrats on the impending wedding. I'm very happy for you and I think this gives hope to all those still waiting for the right person to pop into their lives.
Author spookie Posted October 2, 2007 Author Posted October 2, 2007 I'm in a good relationship! I post about my relationship concerns, most of which aren't serious issues just small little problems that I find helpful to get feedback about. EVERY relationship has issues and problems of some sort, even people who are deleriously happy. So there is hope to have a good relationship, and even people in good relationships have issues to deal with. No relationship is completely problem free, believe me! People who don't fight or have any issues usually just don't acknowledge them, and more often than not the relationship fails due to poor communication. I agree about the issues and the communication. It isn't an issue-free relationship I am looking for, I am just looking for someone with whom I can be open and honest, but reading a lot of the threads on LS it sounds like a lot of people are uncomfortable with confronting the truth about their relationships, SOs, and particularly themselves head-on.
KenzieAbsolutely Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 That's great! Congrats on the impending wedding. I'm very happy for you and I think this gives hope to all those still waiting for the right person to pop into their lives. thank you, spookie.
Replicant Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 I've never shared any insecurities of mine with him. Early on in the relationship he had some communication problems... It's actually a smart move actually to share such insecurities especially in your case, that way such behavior is understood, problems avoided, certain buttons not pushed..and so on. All cannot be so peachy under the surface, based on the frequency of posts having panic attacks and wild eyed ideas when in reality everything is 'situation normal'. I think last week you said you were making experiments on the dude and if such things were good practice!? That's Nuts!! Now based on what other people perceive and thus respond to try to rationalize what it is you think....then you putting some form of that into action is fine that's what advice is for. But for someone whom constantly is in need of that so frequently i don't think that advocates you to be touting what a perfect relationship really is...or is made up of in all these lists! seriously...
Timberlane Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 To even have an inkling of hope of finding a good relationship, you have to first make sure you are capable of holding up your end of it. Do that and you are half way there. Work on your own suckiness. Isn't that the Buddist way? Fix thyself, for that is all you can do. You cannot fix others.
Trialbyfire Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 You cannot fix others. You can't fix others but if you make the right choice in partner, no fixing is necessary, just some compromise.
Timberlane Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Of course, TrialbyFire. As to that mythical good relationship, you really have to make sure you can put life into that yourself. If you are jaded, burned out, cynical, and manipulative, then that is going to ruin even a good thing. Make yourself whole and then find someone else that is doing the same self improvements. That's a good starting point I think.
Lizzie60 Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Reading the threads on this site can be pretty discouraging. Seems like everyone out there is doing some combo of cheating, lying, not calling back, stereotyping, acting distant, or playing mind games with each other. Even in the married and getting married subsections. Is there such a thing as a mature, respectful, considerate, drama-free relationship? Or is love motivated by fear, power, and ego, without which it cannot even begin to exist? There are zillions great relationships out there... they just don't last forever, that's all. I do not believe that one person can love and stay with the same partner and be perfectly happy... in my mind, that is impossible.
oppath Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 I do not believe that one person can love and stay with the same partner and be perfectly happy... in my mind, that is impossible. I disagree. I feel it is impossible only if you've adopted the mindset that it is difficult or doesn't fit with modern times. If you've adopted that mindset, then it becomes a reality that you can't be happy.
Lizzie60 Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 I disagree. I feel it is impossible only if you've adopted the mindset that it is difficult or doesn't fit with modern times. If you've adopted that mindset, then it becomes a reality that you can't be happy. I have to disagree... LOL cause even if you adopt a mindset that it will last forever that you can be happy with that same person all your life... like all couple do ... the reality is verrrry different. Stats only compiled marriages but there are sooo many common-law relationships out there with kids...that are not in the stats... as far as I'm concerned I don't believe in 'till death do us part'.
Trialbyfire Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 I have to disagree... LOL cause even if you adopt a mindset that it will last forever that you can be happy with that same person all your life... like all couple do ... the reality is verrrry different. Stats only compiled marriages but there are sooo many common-law relationships out there with kids...that are not in the stats... as far as I'm concerned I don't believe in 'till death do us part'. I disagree as well. I've seen 'til death do us part firsthand, in more than one example. Whether I myself am capable of finding the right partner is moot. It does exist.
shadowplay Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 It's actually a smart move actually to share such insecurities especially in your case, that way such behavior is understood, problems avoided, certain buttons not pushed..and so on. All cannot be so peachy under the surface, based on the frequency of posts having panic attacks and wild eyed ideas when in reality everything is 'situation normal'. I think last week you said you were making experiments on the dude and if such things were good practice!? That's Nuts!! Now based on what other people perceive and thus respond to try to rationalize what it is you think....then you putting some form of that into action is fine that's what advice is for. But for someone whom constantly is in need of that so frequently i don't think that advocates you to be touting what a perfect relationship really is...or is made up of in all these lists! seriously... I'm not saying my relationship is perfect -- far from it. I think it's pretty good at the present time, though. The truth is any relationship I'm in I would be obsessive/anxious about because that's just the way I am. I'm trying to see things more objectively right now. I'm finally starting to feel secure and safe with my bf...he's convinced me that he's pretty committed with his frequent visits, better communication and consistent behavior. I'm sure I'll have future "freakouts" but that's just who I am...though I'm trying to work on it. My suggestions about what make a good relationship are common sense; they're not necessarily things I practice, though I may try.
shadowplay Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Just wanted to add that a lot of people forget a good relationship takes a lot of work. Often people get too comfortable after the honeymoon phase and start to take their partner for granted. They get critical, they don't keep the romance alive, and they don't treat the other person with enough respect. Slowly their SO becomes more like a sibling than a romantic partner. A quiet resentment takes hold.
Lyssa Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 I am in a great relationship. The best I have had. I have done things differently in this relationship. My BF is very open - he prefers to discuss over issues rather than sweep them under the rug. I have always been the one to bottle up things because I dislike confrontations etc but being with him has taught me so many new things in relationship. Now, I feel comfortable talking to him about anything and everything. We talk about our insecurities - even if I didn't bring that up he can tell what my insecurities are and vice versa. Talking about helped us tremendously. I believe to have a good relationship, discussing or talking about things really help. I know some will not agree with me but in my past, none of my ex-es like to talk and obviously everything didn't turn out great but now, I know being open with one another helps.
maynard Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 im a good relationship right now i many people need to have realistic expectations about their SOs, what a relationship is supposed to be and themselves THERE IS NO DRAMA-FREE RELATIONSHIP. there are ebbs, flows and power plays. thats just the way it is i guess the trick is to find someone that can best deal with the drama with you. so finding the "right person" does not mean these problems go away!
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