loveinlife Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 I noticed that most of us have placed a high interest in love... what is it that has made it so important to put ourselves through pain, suffering, happiness, or etc that is making us put so much time into this matter? what is your goal in search of what you want that has made you where you are right now? being on LS threads and searching in our daily lives for this. What has become the motivation on our journey to find out about another person to be with us... just some questions that im am asking myself also and would like to see if anyone has any inputs. From experience speaking, it was my ex that gave me the dose of happiness and escape i needed from reality, i placed her first bc when i was with her i didn't have to think much about my stresses... it was toxic dependency on her needs to make me happy, which i am trying to break free but has become really hard. My dependency on her has brought me stray and have lost interest in multiple things in life, like career searching, finding and becoming ME. I guess i am or have been addicted to her. I lost my dreams as to say when i lost her. I have a question, besides that how did any person in full recovery view my situation. Thanks for reading. =)
Aintayankee Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 Nature doesn't intend for pain, it just wants a relationship that lasts for the childrens sake, so it bonds people hardcore, plus it is the only thing that makes everything else leave your mind.
Sanslatete Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 I'm into my third month and I still have days when I'd rather not wake up. My ex-GF was the world to me and I probably depended on her a bit too much for my happiness. So now she's gone I feel bereft and nothing much has any attraction for me any more. I used to be an avid music fan but nowadays I just can't be bothered, either that or the music in question reminds me too much of her (that's about 95% of what I used to listen to). The "toxic dependency" loveinlife speaks of is a real peril and can really take you down when things go wrong. Almost everything I used to enjoy doing I did with my ex, so that doesn't leave me many options if I want to stay sane. I try to go out and busy myself but everywhere local is where we used to go too, and farther afield. That's what happens in long relationships, you do things together that haunt you when you're on your own. Dependant relationship suck.
Author loveinlife Posted October 2, 2007 Author Posted October 2, 2007 Nature doesn't intend for pain, it just wants a relationship that lasts for the childrens sake, so it bonds people hardcore, plus it is the only thing that makes everything else leave your mind. thanks ainta, i see your point. =) I'm into my third month and I still have days when I'd rather not wake up. My ex-GF was the world to me and I probably depended on her a bit too much for my happiness. So now she's gone I feel bereft and nothing much has any attraction for me any more. I used to be an avid music fan but nowadays I just can't be bothered, either that or the music in question reminds me too much of her (that's about 95% of what I used to listen to). The "toxic dependency" loveinlife speaks of is a real peril and can really take you down when things go wrong. Almost everything I used to enjoy doing I did with my ex, so that doesn't leave me many options if I want to stay sane. I try to go out and busy myself but everywhere local is where we used to go too, and farther afield. That's what happens in long relationships, you do things together that haunt you when you're on your own. Dependant relationship suck. Yes san, i was in the same type of relationship you were in. Going to places, songs and lots of everyday activity reminds me of my ex. I used to watch a lot of tv with my exgf, after the break up, i watch 30mins of tv a week. When i go out these days, i tend to go out with girls, sorta like trying to get used to doing normal things but with someone else. i hope you are having a nice day. =)
Sanslatete Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 Having an "okay" day so far thanks. Had to be in one of the towns we spent a lot of time in today (as I do most days, sigh), so there's no getting away from the memory gremlins. I had to pass where she works too which is always a bummer.
NightsInWhiteSatin Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 People don't want to be alone. People like to make other people happy. People like it when someone makes them happy. It's all about feeling good and not being alone. After all without eachother, without memories, closeness and happiness...what do we have left?
Author loveinlife Posted October 2, 2007 Author Posted October 2, 2007 People don't want to be alone. People like to make other people happy. People like it when someone makes them happy. It's all about feeling good and not being alone. After all without eachother, without memories, closeness and happiness...what do we have left? very true! but what is this thing about NC and being independent and not needing someone to make us happy?
NightsInWhiteSatin Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 very true! but what is this thing about NC and being independent and not needing someone to make us happy? It's about healing. Letting that gaping hole they left in you heal up. Getting yourself back to yourself. That whole 'not needing someone to make us happy' is to encourage us to find our own feet and rebuild our emotional strength before we carry on looking for that someone. Plus to stop us entering into a relationship on the rebound...hurting ourselves and the other person. Or entering into casual meaningless sex which does eventually lower our self esteem. It's a reccouperation period.
Author loveinlife Posted October 3, 2007 Author Posted October 3, 2007 It's about healing. Letting that gaping hole they left in you heal up. Getting yourself back to yourself. That whole 'not needing someone to make us happy' is to encourage us to find our own feet and rebuild our emotional strength before we carry on looking for that someone. Plus to stop us entering into a relationship on the rebound...hurting ourselves and the other person. Or entering into casual meaningless sex which does eventually lower our self esteem. It's a reccouperation period. thanks night, very well said. =) how are you doing in your current journey?
NightsInWhiteSatin Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 No problem hun. Which one lol Erm, my ex i'm over now finally. It's come on gradually but i'm glad it's all over with. NC lasted for a year, We've been 'friends' since march, he messed me around at first told me he loved me used me for sex then abruptly didnt want to know. Hurt for a few months. After that we've met for coffees been out with mutal mates for a few drinks etc. I kept my feelings to myself, kept him at arms length. Think about july i went on the rebound...which actually worked because that guy showed me more affection (not just sex) than my ex did in years...was a real eye opener after that i wasn't bothered about him anymore my ex was just a mate. Few weeks later i found out i was pregnant to the friend i rebounded with...i told him...he disappeared, i later then miscarried. I knew it was happening and my ex who is pretty much the closest friend i have (i dont have many friends) gave me lots of excuses which werent even excuses they were that pathetic to not take me to the hospital and when i was in too much pain to walk there and needed someone with me. I went though, alone. Week and a half later he starts chatting to me on msn as if he hadnt a clue as if i'd never phoned him saying 'im miscarrying i need you etc'. To me it was too cold of him for me even be all that fond of him as a friend. Now im in the middle of a biology course, going places. Honestly well and truly do not give a sh*t about men and dont want them in my life. Aswell i'd rather have lost both my legs than my baby and i keep thinking to myself...i shouldnt be here on this course i should be preparing for the baby, earning money etc. BUT yeah so it is. Wow i let off some steam there lol Hows things going for you hun ?
Author loveinlife Posted October 3, 2007 Author Posted October 3, 2007 No problem hun. Which one lol Erm, my ex i'm over now finally. It's come on gradually but i'm glad it's all over with. NC lasted for a year, We've been 'friends' since march, he messed me around at first told me he loved me used me for sex then abruptly didnt want to know. Hurt for a few months. After that we've met for coffees been out with mutal mates for a few drinks etc. I kept my feelings to myself, kept him at arms length. Think about july i went on the rebound...which actually worked because that guy showed me more affection (not just sex) than my ex did in years...was a real eye opener after that i wasn't bothered about him anymore my ex was just a mate. Few weeks later i found out i was pregnant to the friend i rebounded with...i told him...he disappeared, i later then miscarried. I knew it was happening and my ex who is pretty much the closest friend i have (i dont have many friends) gave me lots of excuses which werent even excuses they were that pathetic to not take me to the hospital and when i was in too much pain to walk there and needed someone with me. I went though, alone. Week and a half later he starts chatting to me on msn as if he hadnt a clue as if i'd never phoned him saying 'im miscarrying i need you etc'. To me it was too cold of him for me even be all that fond of him as a friend. Now im in the middle of a biology course, going places. Honestly well and truly do not give a sh*t about men and dont want them in my life. Aswell i'd rather have lost both my legs than my baby and i keep thinking to myself...i shouldnt be here on this course i should be preparing for the baby, earning money etc. BUT yeah so it is. Wow i let off some steam there lol Hows things going for you hun ? yes you did, i bet you feel better after letting that steam go. Sounds like you went through a lot of issues with guys. I understand that its not the right time for you to get in touch with any at the moment. I also went through a time of no more girls... i wanted time myself to find out who i am, i was kinda fed up with them and being careful. I have a lot of girl friends, now im going to sort them out to find out which ones are good for me. To me its important to not be vulnerable when i meet a girl. I guess im slowly getting myself back with a little more confidence. I am glad that you have overcome the ex that wasn't good for you. so your taking biology? what is your major? i took a bio last semester too... btw you look pretty in this pic. =) have a nice day.
NightsInWhiteSatin Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Do you mean you have a lot of girl friends as in they're just female friends...or have you been dating them all? Got to be careful you dont misjudge how over the ex you are. I've misjudged before, kinda ruins everything you've worked on to move on from them. I totally agree, it's a bad start to a relationship if you're bringing in issues and baggage from a previous relationship. It's unhealthy for yourself and unfair on your new partner. That's why im gonna sit it out for another year or so. Just don't be tempted to run emotionally before you can emotionally walk lol. Yeah i'm taking biology, i'm not sure what you mean by a major though....education system is different in England. And thankyou, hope you have a nice day too
Author loveinlife Posted October 3, 2007 Author Posted October 3, 2007 Do you mean you have a lot of girl friends as in they're just female friends...or have you been dating them all? Got to be careful you dont misjudge how over the ex you are. I've misjudged before, kinda ruins everything you've worked on to move on from them. I totally agree, it's a bad start to a relationship if you're bringing in issues and baggage from a previous relationship. It's unhealthy for yourself and unfair on your new partner. That's why im gonna sit it out for another year or so. Just don't be tempted to run emotionally before you can emotionally walk lol. Yeah i'm taking biology, i'm not sure what you mean by a major though....education system is different in England. And thankyou, hope you have a nice day too Most of the girls i was refering to are friends, but a few i have semi dated, who are just friends now. So im just going to have to find out which ones are good for me and who aren't. Yep i agree with bringing emotional baggage to someone, that is one thing im looking out for myself and others feelings to not hurt any person. oh major is like the subject we pick in college, yep im not sure how the system is in England hehe r you in college?
NightsInWhiteSatin Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 Most of the girls i was refering to are friends, but a few i have semi dated, who are just friends now. So im just going to have to find out which ones are good for me and who aren't. Yep i agree with bringing emotional baggage to someone, that is one thing im looking out for myself and others feelings to not hurt any person. oh major is like the subject we pick in college, yep im not sure how the system is in England hehe r you in college? Thats good then, semi dating...i like it...nice and slow. Hope it goes well for you. Yeah i'm in college, should be finishing uni but i decided on a career change which has set me back a few years...tiz poo but it'll be worth it in the end. Over here we leave school when we're 16, go on to college if we wish or just get a job...if you decide to go to college you then have the option to either go to university or just get a job. I feel sorry for you all having to stay in school till you're 18...bet that's a bit poo isnt it?
Author loveinlife Posted October 4, 2007 Author Posted October 4, 2007 Thats good then, semi dating...i like it...nice and slow. Hope it goes well for you. Yeah i'm in college, should be finishing uni but i decided on a career change which has set me back a few years...tiz poo but it'll be worth it in the end. Over here we leave school when we're 16, go on to college if we wish or just get a job...if you decide to go to college you then have the option to either go to university or just get a job. I feel sorry for you all having to stay in school till you're 18...bet that's a bit poo isnt it? ohh nice and slow? sounds like a start. Its nice that you guys/girls get an early start in job or college at such a young age. I noticed that ppl i meet from europe start maturing pretty early as to compared to ppl in the US. I think it would be good for us to begin early too, at the same time im used to how things are going for us so far. what kind of career change are you looking into? science?
Newtotheblogthing Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 So strange. I had no had a chance to read your post and just posted one about being addicted to a relationship as well.. Mine however was full of love, but at times could be extremely toxic. i wanted a partner to share thing with, to share my life with but unfortunately i could not filter out the bad and somehow became very dependent. He did as well. And like you said it is extremely hard to break away from addictive relationships. I looked to this person like you did for happiness and relief.. well most of the time. I am just now trying to be REALLY honest about what I called love..
Author loveinlife Posted October 5, 2007 Author Posted October 5, 2007 So strange. I had no had a chance to read your post and just posted one about being addicted to a relationship as well.. Mine however was full of love, but at times could be extremely toxic. i wanted a partner to share thing with, to share my life with but unfortunately i could not filter out the bad and somehow became very dependent. He did as well. And like you said it is extremely hard to break away from addictive relationships. I looked to this person like you did for happiness and relief.. well most of the time. I am just now trying to be REALLY honest about what I called love.. ahhh, we do share something in common, at the same time, we both realize what we were in. I am glad i had the opportunity to find out what was the problem, i blame myself for my own sabatoge. i didn't have to go through that but perhaps being what i was i am able to come face to face with my own realities and issues. im grateful for the hurt, i think i have learned so much from it that there isn't words that can describe what i feel. I am starting to enjoy all the little details in life and what it has to offer. *sigh* i hope you are doing well new. =)
heartoutside Posted October 5, 2007 Posted October 5, 2007 A simple answer as to why we all feel the pain we feel is because of a simple philosophical answer. Contrast is necessary for appreciation; which means basically with out the pain or hurt, we would never know what love and happiness is (this is usually used to argue the existents of evil and god). You need one to know what the other is. The hard part is getting or waiting for that teeter totter to swing back to the happy, and love side of life. But like everything else in life, it will swing back. Just give it time, as hard as that may be. I'm dealing with that now.......time and patience.
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