crzyblndstar Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 I wrote a thread about a year ago that will give a little more history and back ground to my situation. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=110700&page=3 When I wrote the first thread is the last time I have heard from my sons father until yesterday. After over a year of not seeing my son and almost a year since he has contacted me, he decides to send me another email claiming how much he has changed and now wants to be a part of my sons life. He says he had to take a break away from everyone and find himself. But now, he has been on his medication and has changed sooo much. I did not reply to his email. I mean, after a year of no contact, I think I need a little time to think things through. Obviously, he didnt. He sent me 2 more emails after that, in the same day, pretty much asking me not to ignore him. So now, I am in the same situation I was in almost a year ago. But now things are different. Last time he told me he was on meds too and that he had changed so much, but yet a year went by with no contact. And now, he expects me to believe him when he obviously lied then!?!?!? ' I still have yet to email him back because I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do. I have built a good life for my son and he is doing really well. A life that he chose not to be a part of. I can tell he is getting irritated in the emails too. But what does he expect? Me to jump at the chance for him to come back? I am just so frustrated right now. Maybe this is more of a rant, but I do welcome any advice anyone has to give.
BestAdvisor1 Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 Emailing you? Doesn't he know your number or where you live? Even if the answer is "no", I'm sure he can find out some way, some how. Anything other than physically showing up at your door with roses and a sincerely, heart felt apology is no where near the sufficiency needed for an acceptance for the abandonment that he has caused you to endure.
MoonGirl Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 Your situation is not simple, and I'm sure you're looking out for your son's best interest. A father who comes and goes as he pleases is not exactly the kind of role model you want your son to have, and of course it could affect your son emotionally. How old is your son? 2? At this point, he probably won't really understand what is going on, and his father is really a stranger to him. If your ex says he has changed so much, then make him prove it. I wouldn't allow him to step in and out of your son's life as he pleases. Ask him for proof he is on medication (a doctor's note, pharmacy prescription, etc). If he doesn't pay you child support, tell him that it is time to take some responsibility and to pay up. Set strict limits for supervised visitation. Give him a time (a 1-hour lunch), and if he fails to show up, then that is his loss. Be sure to document all of the emails, calls, discussions, promises, missed visitation, etc. That way, if you ever end up in court, you will have evidence to back up your claims.
Author crzyblndstar Posted October 2, 2007 Author Posted October 2, 2007 BestAdvisor, he has my cell number and he knows where I work. I think he is emailing me because he knows he is in the wrong and doesn't want to have face me over the phone. Does that make sense? Moongirl, that is exactly waht I keep thinking. I am trying to protect my son and I keep thinking which one is going to do more damage, an absent father or one who comes in and out of his life as he pleases. This is just so frustrating. After a year of no contact, I have pretty much just assumed he wasn't going to be around and have made future plans according to that. I might actually somewhat believe him if he hadn't already pulled this crap before. But then I second guess myself and wonder if he really has changed. But then, I remember that I do know him pretty well, and I don't think he is capable of change like this. And, he is trying to convince me that he has changed so much, but I caught a lie in the first email he sent. GRRR!!! Sorry for rambling. This is just a hard choice. I am trying to take my time and think on it, but he seems to think I should respond already. Oh yea, I do have everything documented already. That is one reason I do like the email correspondance.
BestAdvisor1 Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 He cannot just "ask" for your forgiviness, but rather has to "beg" for it. Emailing is way too casual. He is not devoted and invested enough to earn a forgiviness. His way asking for a forgivenss will be acceptable if he broke a plate at your kitchen, not what he has done.
Author crzyblndstar Posted October 2, 2007 Author Posted October 2, 2007 Bestadvisor, to tell you the truth, I don't think he needs to apologize to me. He needs to apologize to our son (even tho he is young and won't understand). But, I do agree that email is not the way to go about things right now. He has a lot of explaining to do and alot of questions that need to be answered and I don't think that email is the appropriate way of doing so. I have alot to say to him and that is why I have not responded to him, I want to do it in a rational way. Right now, I feel like telling him to go away and leave us alone. But I know that wouldn't be the best thing to do, so I need some time to figure it all out.
nittygritty Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 I might have missed this but did he ever pay the child support he owed? If he hasn't paid it, you need to enforce it. If its possible have him thrown in jail for non payment of child support. Don't respond to his email. Delete the email account, if necessary. If your currently trying to enforce child support, he may be asking to see his son to scare you so that you will stop child support enforcement. The reality is that its not very likely that he has had a miraculous recovery or transformation from his previous self. He was physically abusive to you. He tried to kill you. I wouldn't let my child go. If you request the courts for supervised visits they will only allow so many supervised visits before the visits will automatically be unsupervised. Your son doesn't know him now but he will if you allow him to visit him. I would protect my child from an abusive father. Don't put your child at risk of harm.
Author crzyblndstar Posted October 3, 2007 Author Posted October 3, 2007 Thanks nittygritty. He does not owe any child support because I never took him to court for it. I know that a lot of people say that I should make him pay but I just figured that if he wanted to be out of his sons life then I wasn't going to make him be in it. I don't need the money, so my son is not lacking of anything he wants or needs. After so long of him not seeing him, I just kinda figured that he was leaving us alone, so I wasn't going to give him an easy "in" back into our lives. I haven't heard from him again since the last email which was a couple of days ago. Maybe the thought has passed and he has decided that it is just too much effort for him to get back into his life. I am not being sarcastic either, it wouldn't surprise me a bit. He is the type that thinks like this. I know he has not changed. A year is too short of time for a person like this. Besides, I heard the exact same thing from him before about how much he had changed and was ready to get back in my sons life, and then a year went by and didnt hear a thing. Heck, maybe it will be another year before I hear anything from him again.
Kenyth Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 Unfortunately, since you didn't do anything before, you're going to have a hard time doing it now. I wouldn't even think of starting a relationship with him now. That chapter in life is now closed. If he truly want's to see his child, go to court and get the rules set like you want them. With abandonment in the recent past, he's liable to have to work for anything like normal visitation. If you had filed a court action while he abandoned you two, you may have been able to cut him out of your life completely. Hindsight is 20/20 and you have to strike while the iron is hot. I know, because I made the same kind of mistakes. In the end, it cost me. A lot.
PollyIvy Posted October 9, 2007 Posted October 9, 2007 I think you should wait and see if he's really, actually serious. If so, go to court and have the court set up the visitation. YOU are the parent (parent here meaning the one who is actually raising your child) and you are in charge, and the courts will recognize that, believe me.
Author crzyblndstar Posted October 9, 2007 Author Posted October 9, 2007 Thanks guys, I appreciate the advice. I have not heard anything from him since that day. By not responding to him right away, I have apparently made it too hard for him and he has realized that he doesn't want to put in THAT much effort to be in his sons life. I figured it would happen. I figure that I will get emails like this once a year or so until he finally just forgets about him all together.
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