violet_b Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 Hi everyone My husband and I have been married 10 years and have 2 elementary age children. He is verbally abusive and controlling, and is constantly crushing my self esteem. I've decided I have had enough. I want to separate, but I am a SAHM and H doesn't make much money. I would kick him out but he would not be able to support us if he was paying rent for another place. I have no friends or family around to help me out. I don't know what to do and I am sick about it. Thanks for reading.
Mike1966 Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 Well..... This may not be what you want to hear, but, have you considered counseling first before taking such a drastic step? Does he acknowledge there is a problem? Have you mentioned the seriousness of it and that you are ready to separate or further if it isn't taken care of? My wife of 15 years left me more than 4 months ago, I was neither verbally abusive or controlling, didn't give me any notice of her "issues" with me then opted for another man than to try and work on our relationship which I sought to do the whole time. Now we are divorcing which is still not what I want but am not going to sit by while she dates others. So, just wanting you to see if there are steps you can take that are not so drastic? I wish my wife would have given me a chance to work on the perceived issues but from my prospective she never did.
Author violet_b Posted October 2, 2007 Author Posted October 2, 2007 Mike, I appreciate your suggestion but H is not willing to change or go to therapy. We have discussed it several times already.
quankanne Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 as hard as it will be to make the change, you should never EVER let money be an issue when abuse is involved: Your safety and that of your children supersede economics, and there are programs out there that help women in your situation. your local women's shelter is your safest option, because they deal specifically in situations like yours, where physical abuse is a possibility (not saying that your husband is going to beat you, but if he's comfortable with the idea of verbally abusing and controlling you, smacking you around isn't that far of a leap, nor would it be something "wrong" when he's already abusing you in some form). the shelter can help you get on your feet by giving you options and providing connections. it's possible that your husband can change with counselling, but the probability is that he may just refuse to see that he needs to improve or that he's hurting his family and his marriage. you've got a lot of things to consider, but like I said earlier, when it comes to your safety, economics should be the least of your worries because there ARE programs out there to help you get on your feet. good luck ...
jmargel Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 Call your local courthouse, talk to the domestic relations department. Here in Pennsylvania they have a group called 'Women in Transisition' which helps women in your situation.
Melovator Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 Quankanne is right- in these circumstances who gives a cr@p about money? Your children are being exposed to what is happening to you, and because they know no different they think its 'just normal'. They deserve an opportunity to learn that abuse is not normal and should not accepted in any relationship. Contact your local domestic violence service who will be able to give you information about having a plan to leave. It is very important to have a plan when leaving an abusive situation, and while you have not mentioned physical violence many abusers do not feel a need to 'get physical' if the other methods of control (such as put-downs, financial countrol, social isolation that you have mentioned) work. Separation is often a dangerous time because the abuser feels their control slipping and their behaviour 'escalates'. So have a plan! Also be prepared for him threatening suicide- I can't tell you how many times I've heard of women (and men too) going back to abusive partners because of suicide threats. This is just another way to maintain control. I would also suggest reading about online safety: here is one link off the top of my head: http://www.ncsmc.org.au/wsas/welcome.htm I would further suggest that if possible do not use your home computer if you will be further posting on LS or making arrangements to leave via e-mail. The other thing to remember is that it can take ON AVERAGE- 6-8 attempts before an abusee (really hate the term victim personally) will finally leave a domestic abuse situation. This does not make you weak if this happens to you- it just makes you normal. But leaving is the best thing you can do if he refuses to acknowledge that his behaviour is a problem. Whatever his issues are: and I'm pretty sure you know exactly what they are; they are his issues to deal with, his emotional baggage to carry. Like many persons in situations similar to yours I'm sure you've been trying to lug his load but PUT IT DOWN. The only person who can fix his problems is himself. You are going to have your own issues to deal with as well as those of your children. And it is going to take you a very long time. Another problem women and children in this situation can experience is recovery delay caused by court action. Its probably a good thing your H doesn't earn much he won't be able to afford to keep you in court for years. But if there is strong DV services network in your area then the DV shelter may be able to suggest to you a cheap lawyer or one who will do pro bono work for you. If your local services are well funded you should be able to access emergency housing, legal advice, counselling services and financial advice for a start. Start writing down every put down, every remark, keep a diary of dates, times and people who have witnessed anything that has happened. Start talking to every upstanding citizen- doctor, priest etc you can find about this. Domestic abuse is a hidden behaviour that requires the complicity of the victim (using that word) to continue. What can happen after separation then is the abusee has done such a great job of keeping the secret that no-one believes them. Do not let this happen! You do not have to victim, you can be a survivor, its up to you.
Missy27 Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 Quankanne is right- in these circumstances who gives a cr@p about money? Your children are being exposed to what is happening to you, and because they know no different they think its 'just normal'. They deserve an opportunity to learn that abuse is not normal and should not accepted in any relationship. Contact your local domestic violence service who will be able to give you information about having a plan to leave. It is very important to have a plan when leaving an abusive situation, and while you have not mentioned physical violence many abusers do not feel a need to 'get physical' if the other methods of control (such as put-downs, financial countrol, social isolation that you have mentioned) work. Separation is often a dangerous time because the abuser feels their control slipping and their behaviour 'escalates'. So have a plan! Also be prepared for him threatening suicide- I can't tell you how many times I've heard of women (and men too) going back to abusive partners because of suicide threats. This is just another way to maintain control. I would also suggest reading about online safety: here is one link off the top of my head: http://www.ncsmc.org.au/wsas/welcome.htm I would further suggest that if possible do not use your home computer if you will be further posting on LS or making arrangements to leave via e-mail. The other thing to remember is that it can take ON AVERAGE- 6-8 attempts before an abusee (really hate the term victim personally) will finally leave a domestic abuse situation. This does not make you weak if this happens to you- it just makes you normal. But leaving is the best thing you can do if he refuses to acknowledge that his behaviour is a problem. Whatever his issues are: and I'm pretty sure you know exactly what they are; they are his issues to deal with, his emotional baggage to carry. Like many persons in situations similar to yours I'm sure you've been trying to lug his load but PUT IT DOWN. The only person who can fix his problems is himself. You are going to have your own issues to deal with as well as those of your children. And it is going to take you a very long time. Another problem women and children in this situation can experience is recovery delay caused by court action. Its probably a good thing your H doesn't earn much he won't be able to afford to keep you in court for years. But if there is strong DV services network in your area then the DV shelter may be able to suggest to you a cheap lawyer or one who will do pro bono work for you. If your local services are well funded you should be able to access emergency housing, legal advice, counselling services and financial advice for a start. Start writing down every put down, every remark, keep a diary of dates, times and people who have witnessed anything that has happened. Start talking to every upstanding citizen- doctor, priest etc you can find about this. Domestic abuse is a hidden behaviour that requires the complicity of the victim (using that word) to continue. What can happen after separation then is the abusee has done such a great job of keeping the secret that no-one believes them. Do not let this happen! You do not have to victim, you can be a survivor, its up to you. Original poster ~ READ THIS ~ then RE-READ it again ~~~ AND THEN AGAIN
lostboy60645 Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 I third / fourth the listed opinions. If he's unwilling/unable to go for help and you feel that finances are the only obstacle from moving you forward in your life with your kids, then you should look to those listed resources and get out of there. I come from a family where my parents should have divorced long ago. Instead, I witnessed/experienced verbal, then physical, then sexual abuses. It scarred me for life and has likely resulted in a lot of the craziness I put my EW through. No, FYI, I don't blame others for my bad decisions. I've taken full responsibility and I'm paying the full price as a divorcee supporting the EW and kids. Anyhow, you may also want to check out a twelve step program for support such as CODA or Al-anon, depending on what's available and what the issues are. (try www.codependents.org and www.alanon.org ) Good luck LB
quankanne Posted October 4, 2007 Posted October 4, 2007 The other thing to remember is that it can take ON AVERAGE- 6-8 attempts before an abusee (really hate the term victim personally) will finally leave a domestic abuse situation. This does not make you weak if this happens to you- it just makes you normal. But leaving is the best thing you can do if he refuses to acknowledge that his behaviour is a problem. this is what my girlfriend who works with non-citizen abuse victims has told me as well. But, she pointed out that some of those women who actually "leave" do it via a body bag. Meaning, the longer you put off leaving an abuser, the chances of serious violence increases if he or she is a physically abusive partner – that the idea of killing someone to "keep" them isn't unusual or bad in their way of thinking. not trying to scare you, just make you aware of what the stats are …
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