esuom Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 Dear all, I seriously need some advice. Im the dumpee, about 2 mths ago, she initiated a breakup as she felt there isnt any spark after 7yrs. I denied and just walked away. I've maintain LC after a week and in fact NC now and moved on. Being jobless and in debt i guess she is really mess up herself and recently i got frequent texts from her asking me to loan money to her which i understand why. I was happy abt her approach(am i optimitic or wat?) as she still thought ofme when she in troubles. Just now, she text again asking me why her life in a total mess. I sudden felt bad and painful for her.She's notasking for money this time Questions & advice pls. 1. Why am i so panic and worried her when she about her now? Is my NC working? 2.Do i have to text back? YOu know, just being nice and hope to be there for her for now. 3. If she ask for money again, its ok to give again?Seriously, its not a good idea at all. BUt how can i avoid this? 4.Could it be possible that she is looking for a second chance? ANyone having the same experience?how do u handle it?Thank you!
niceguy27 Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 Have you guys sat down and had a one on one since the breakup? Try to do that. Just sit and listen to what she really wants. At least have one or two talks to get things out and see if you guys can work on it.
Trimmer Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 Whether NC "works" depends on what you want from it. NC is usually a method for you to get over a breakup, to accelerate the healing as much as possible. To that end, if you are still thinking about her, wondering if she wants to get back together, and agonizing over what to do next, then no, your NC is not "working." If for you, NC is a tool to get her to do something, to "get her back", then you will know if it is "working" if she wants you back. To that end, you will need to find out what she wants in contacting you, which will eventually require actual communication about what is going on. Trying to predict what she is doing based on her scattered behavior is probably pointless. And here's the kicker: she may intend to remain broken up, yet because her life is so messed up right now, she may still ask for support from you - because you will respond. If that turns out to be the case, what will you do? Won't that just drag you along in her messed up life, with no hope of getting back together anyway? That's when the "I have to move on and heal" type of NC will probably start to look more attractive.
outdated Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 Like Trimmer said, NEVER use NC to make your ex do something in response. NC is not about creating a working model to handle a breakup that is fool-proof for everybody. It's about prying your life out of your ex's grasp and moving on. I suppose you'll know it's worked when you stop caring if it's worked.
niceguy27 Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 And here's the kicker: she may intend to remain broken up, yet because her life is so messed up right now, she may still ask for support from you - because you will respond. If that turns out to be the case, what will you do? Won't that just drag you along in her messed up life, with no hope of getting back together anyway? That's when the "I have to move on and heal" type of NC will probably start to look more attractive. Thats right up my alley. She wants to know for sure if Im "it" but she has been getting involved with some new guy real quickly after us. And she had kept most of her clothes at my house (not at hers)!!! Tell me thats not screwed up. So in my situtation it mirrors what is quoted above. I have been in NC but in the back of her mind, she knows she can still "drag me along" with her until she decides. In order to cut that tie, I told her today she has 2 days to get it all out. Thats really cutting things off to force her into realizing it. Either way, you know her better than us and whatever you think is the best option for YOU and not her is what you need to do.
NorCalDave Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 Dear all, I seriously need some advice. Im the dumpee, about 2 mths ago, she initiated a breakup as she felt there isnt any spark after 7yrs. I denied and just walked away. I've maintain LC after a week and in fact NC now and moved on. Being jobless and in debt i guess she is really mess up herself and recently i got frequent texts from her asking me to loan money to her which i understand why. I was happy abt her approach(am i optimitic or wat?) as she still thought ofme when she in troubles. Just now, she text again asking me why her life in a total mess. I sudden felt bad and painful for her.She's notasking for money this time Questions & advice pls. 1. Why am i so panic and worried her when she about her now? Is my NC working? 2.Do i have to text back? YOu know, just being nice and hope to be there for her for now. 3. If she ask for money again, its ok to give again?Seriously, its not a good idea at all. BUt how can i avoid this? 4.Could it be possible that she is looking for a second chance? ANyone having the same experience?how do u handle it?Thank you! I had a very similar experience with my ex. We had re-connected after a couple months apart, after our 2nd breakup which was 4-5 months earlier. We were still in fragile, uncharted "friend" territory, and it felt great just to be back in contact. I still wanted more and she wanted to remain just friends. She was going through financial problems herself, and she had to move out of her place and move in with her sister. She had tried to go back to her millionaire ex, but he said no. So, when her sister then told her she didn't want her there either, I opened the door to my house for her and let her rent a room. What a mistake that was. It was great and exciting at first, with my ex -whom I had been pining for and missing and using no contact as a means to get her back- now in my house, within my reach, close to me and relying on me for help. But after she lived there for 40 days, and it was evident she didn't want anything more than friendship- and I was frustrated all the time- I asked her to please move somewhere else, because I am still in love and want more, and I can't be paying her way and helping her in her life if there's nothing in it for me. She got mad at me for not being the unconditional loving friend, but I have to protect my heart and feelings over picking up her baggage. She ran to me for help because I was weak and soft for her. All it got me in the end was another broken heart and I delayed my healing process. If she is not interested in anything more than friendship, I think you need to cut the chord and let her find her own way out of her own mess. Unless you don't mind giving, giving, giving, and not getting anything back. I just couldn't do it anymore.
Trialbyfire Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 As defined by real NC, no, your NC is not working. If it were working, you would not be responding to her at all. Instead, you would be using the emotion and energy that you're expending towards/for her and applying it towards yourself, to speed up your own recovery. She is an adult and responsible for her own situation. You are an adult and responsible for your own situation. The two of you are no longer together. Do not respond or she will drag you right back into her muck and mire.
NorCalDave Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 As defined by real NC, no, your NC is not working. If it were working, you would not be responding to her at all. Instead, you would be using the emotion and energy that you're expending towards/for her and applying it towards yourself, to speed up your own recovery. She is an adult and responsible for her own situation. You are an adult and responsible for your own situation. The two of you are no longer together. Do not respond or she will drag you right back into her muck and mire. I agree. This is good advice. In my opinion, if she really needs help she should seek her family. Family loves unconditionally. When seeking favors from ex's, feelings/emotions/pain/confusion are all involved, so anything with $$$ or favors should be treated delicately. My ex had to move in with her parents, at 49 years of age (poor thing)....but I feel it was wrong of her to lean on me when she knew I wanted to get back together. You don't lean on someone unless you can give something back to them, or unless they're family, IMO.
CaliGuy Posted October 2, 2007 Posted October 2, 2007 As defined by real NC, no, your NC is not working. If it were working, you would not be responding to her at all. Instead, you would be using the emotion and energy that you're expending towards/for her and applying it towards yourself, to speed up your own recovery. She is an adult and responsible for her own situation. You are an adult and responsible for your own situation. The two of you are no longer together. Do not respond or she will drag you right back into her muck and mire. +1 She's using you because she knows she can. If she is to grow up and be responsible then you need to "teach her to fish" instead of "feeding her for a day." Stop loaning her money, don't reply to her text and move on with your life. I know you spent a long time together but this is the true definition of tough love when you force people to live with the choices they make in their lives.
Trimmer Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 She's using you because she knows she can. If she is to grow up and be responsible then you need to "teach her to fish" instead of "feeding her for a day." ... and I'm pretty sure CaliGuy probably meant it this way, but you don't have to be her teacher, either. She may need to go find a fish, she may need to go learn to do it herself, but you are not responsible to provide or facilitate any of those options. She broke up with you, that means "I take responsibility for my life now." You go work on yours. __
CaliGuy Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 ... and I'm pretty sure CaliGuy probably meant it this way, but you don't have to be her teacher, either. She may need to go find a fish, she may need to go learn to do it herself, but you are not responsible to provide or facilitate any of those options. She broke up with you, that means "I take responsibility for my life now." You go work on yours. __ I should have clarified. I didn't mean HE needs to teach her, but to break off the umbilical cord and let her fend for herself.
Trimmer Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 I should have clarified. I didn't mean HE needs to teach her, but to break off the umbilical cord and let her fend for herself. Yeah, I knew that, I just wanted a way to get my Springsteen sig line up there for TBF to see...
Trialbyfire Posted October 3, 2007 Posted October 3, 2007 Haha...would be funny if a number of members did that and we posted in order of the lyrics. Fishing is a good sport. I think the OPs ex would enjoy it.
Author esuom Posted October 6, 2007 Author Posted October 6, 2007 I have no desire to call/text her since after 1wk of breakup. Trialbyfire, my NC may not be100% but im demanding myself to set close to it. GUess i was vulnerably when i got her text telling me for the first time that she "CRIED" about her life was upside down. And i never had any intention to lure her back with my NC. Calliguy, Thanks! I see this as a kind of love too; to see one grows and be able to defend oneself and handle tough situation. NorCalDave, thank for for the advice. I could sense your pain there and i do see my potential pain-zone if i continue to contact her.
Author esuom Posted November 17, 2007 Author Posted November 17, 2007 hi guys/gals... Help help plz:lmao: its has been the third day since the last text from her.. and i don know wat to react. gosh she said she miss u badly lately.
Trialbyfire Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 I wouldn't respond. Any contact from her is suspect, since she relies on you for financial support. You're better off without a parasitic relationship.
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